Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
Hi, i am new here. It's been almost 2 1/2 years since D-day. My husband had an affair for 6 months with a coworker. (Off and on again with the same woman.) I found out by reading messges over his shoulder but that was the day he was going to tell me he was leaving me for her anyway. A few weeks later (after he had moved out) we decided to try and make our marriage work. He cut contact with her through text, while I watched (supposedly. I guess you always have that terrible feeling in the back of your mind that they haven't.) We've gone through two bouts of marriage counseling and individual counseling as well. The first year, the ow would not leave us alone and we both had to block her on all social media and her phone number. She would show up everywhere I went: tried to run me and my 2 year old off the road, the gym, the grocery store, ect. (No, I never went through with a court order, writing down everything made it really painful and I wanted to ignore it. (Ignoring her did, eventually, make her stop.) Its hard enough trying to heal when there is a constant reminder.
Since D-day, the "trickle truth" has come out time and time again, whether I was looking for it or not. We are still together but I am still so, so angry. If I'm not angry, I am extremely depressed. My husband is the type to hold things in. But how can we communicate if he is always like that or jumps to defensiveness? I feel like I can't talk to him about my pain or what I need. I feel scared (about this happening again), slightly ashamed (since so many people know about the affair and that I stayed) and my self esteem is at an all time low.
How do you cope?
Are you saying you didn't really want to know, or can you clarify? You express that you have anger, and this is often a red flag, if you are still angry 2.5 years after D day.
My H also was not good at communicating things about his affair, and I think it's safe to say that most betrayed spouses on here, have felt this way to some degree. CS's don't exactly open up and spill the beans; they generally only admit to what they've been caught with. It's up to the BS to decide whether or not they are going to allow their CS to get away with it.
I find your post a bit confusing. I firmly believe that when someone gives you a confusing message, it's because they are avoiding the truth by shrouding it in confusion, intentional or not.
When you ask, "How do you cope?" I'm not sure what you're asking. Are you asking:
How does one cope with their anger over this situation?
How does one cope with a situation they can't do much about?
Or is it how does one change the situation that they're in to relieve the anger that they're feeling?
These are three very different scenarios, and to recognize them as so, would be important.
Wishing you well.
About a year and a half after d day, my h got a new phone and when he synced it, all of the texts get had sent and recieved from his old phone appeared (even those that had been deleted). I probably shouldn't have, but I read all those texts between them. He said I could but that maybe I shouldn't. I found that they had met up more than he had said and those lies hurt.
I will sheepishly admit that I went through her social media posts to try and find out more information about the affair.
I'm sorry my post was confusing. Maybe in trying to keep it as brief as possible, in condensed it too much?
I'm not sure why I am still this angry. It comes and goes. Seeing her out and about definitely triggers some of that anger. I'm also still angry that she bothered me so much and he didn't stand up for me.
When I said, "How do you cope?" I ment, how do you cope with the anger.
I do like how you asked "How does one change the situation that they're in to relieve the anger that they are feeling?", so I guess that would be a better question to ask. Thank you for replying!
Anger can be a good emotion because it signifies that our boundaries have been trampled; prolonged anger tells us we have reached a place where we now feel something has to change.
Search online with the words, "what is my anger telling me," and you'll be surprised at how much information you'll find.
Don't feel sheepishly about checking her out online, it's completely natural and it's done as a form of survival and self protection; as one needs to know the beast they're dealing with. Never feel ashamed of your feelings or any actions you had to take in order to know or find out anything about the affair, as it's your right. Privacy is for strangers and people who feel a need to keep something from you, not loyal spouses; your relationship should be an open book. When it's not, that's when you need to put the work into making it one. I see so many unhappy spouses with completely different schedules, lifestyles, and friends, who wonder why they're not happy. A relationship is about compromise, the better you are at this craft, the happier you'll be, and it has nothing to do with giving up your wants and desires.
I've found that I was holding onto values and ideologies that no longer suit me. They were what caused me a lot of disappointment and anger, because they were based on old ways of thinking. During my recovery, I sought weekly therapy appointments for a year, to delve deep down, and through this, I realized that I had to let go of silly ideas that I'd formed through my formative years, that were purely based on romantic notions, and things I sponged throughout my life. I use the word silly because when I boiled it down, I realized how trivial it was in the big scheme of things, and what I wanted for myself from this life.
Once I was able to remove the emotional influence, the self-pity, how I felt about relationships and my expectations from one, and use my sensibilities to maneuver through the caverns of uncertainty, I was a able to free myself of the anger and self-induced torment.
It would be important for you, at this time, to figure out exactly what has kept you in anger. Once you do it will unlock the mystery, and allow you to make changes. Write it down, in list form, and you may be surprised what you come up with. Bring it here if you feel comfortable and we can help you try to decipher it, and help you find a path, and a way out, so you can be happy and feel joyful, because life isn't living without joy.
Eventually after all the counseling you are describing we had it to.
For me I couldn't live like that anymore. I couldn't be in a marriage where I was always suspicious or policing everything he did. I had anxiety and panic attacks whenever i couldn't pinpoint where he was or something in his story was amiss.
I felt like I was walking on eggshells and I wasn't sure it would ever be better again.
After a lot of therapy for my well being, I needed to finally leave. I'm not saying that's the right answer for you, but therapy for me helped me come to terms with that.
He still cheats on his subsequent wives. I don't think he ever really stopped.
I'm married to a wonderful man now and it's like night and day to see what a normal healthy relationship is. There is no nonsense like all that.
Good luck and remember for your family, your well being and sanity is most important.