Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
For those of you who have been arround a while you know that i have been dealing with her Affair for a couple years and have had no progress really in the area of moving forward with it, however our communications skils had gotten better. Or so i thought. and those of you who have seen some of my replies to others have seen what has happened the last couple months. But to be short and simple, she is desperate and has been desperate for another child for a long time. Her mother and her have been trying to convince me that we need another child for several years. I dont want another, we dont have the time or money for another. Her mother has long told me that i will change my mind when it happens. Now a few months ago i come to find out that she has been doing ivf treatments and buying sperm from a cryobank trying to do this behind my back. She has no idea that i have pieced all this together. And in my communications wiht the clinic, they said that she can do this with out my concent if she put on the paperwork that she is single and unattached. And i know this is not the first time she has done this, arround the time of her affair with her ex, she did this as well.
Now while this is not really cheating, i have found i feel just like i did when i knew she was cheating on me. so all the feelings all over again.
She has resisted the idea of counseling since June. and a month ago i finally told her we need to go back to counseling, she told me she did not feel like we were getting anything accomplished and maybe a different counselor would help. So i found a different one and we have our first session on Saturay morning with her. And i know i have to confront her about what i know about this stuff. my question is how do i do it with out gettingthe whole its my fault i found out, and my fault i am hurt all over again?
Now while this is not really cheating, i have found i feel just like i did when i knew she was cheating on me. so all the feelings all over again.
She has resisted the idea of counseling since June. and a month ago i finally told her we need to go back to counseling, she told me she did not feel like we were getting anything accomplished and maybe a different counselor would help. So i found a different one and we have our first session on Saturay morning with her. And i know i have to confront her about what i know about this stuff. my question is how do i do it with out gettingthe whole its my fault i found out, and my fault i am hurt all over again?
2 yrs and you still in the fog of decision time to think decision.
Counseling you can go for it, but sounds like you past it and need to make a decsion.
Too much time man 2 yrs in limbo.
Cigarrman - the two years has not all been wasted, we had spent a year and a half with counseling, nd that helped us get back on track with the basics of a relationship. and we had been wroking on her issues with the relationship. she had not wanted to work on my issues or concerns until we solved her desperation of having another child.
First thing I notice is "you are walking on thin ice" so she has "control".
How she got the "control" - I can assume through the affair and you sticking by her she she knows she can push boundries with you - hence - she is now doing more "major" boundry pushing.
However, This could be a deal breaker for her as well - this meaning having another child - so in her mind - she is taking care of that need with or without you.
So how do you approach this... Well you first ask her - even before counselling - what are the most important things for you in your life - achivement wise.
Give her examples - she might be wondering what the heck are you talking about.
Achievemnt wise - (this is you talking) like I have a friend (hope you do) that his achievements are to get his/her masters.
Another friend really longs to have a large family - lots of kids - he/she really wants xyz about of children and xyz amount of girls/boys.
See if that opens her up. Its better for her to tell you then for you to confront her with what you found out cause then she goes right on the defense then telling you what her real thoughts/concerns are.
So what do u do with that? well you stated you don't have enough money for that. Do you have enough money for a divorce and do you want to find happeniness with someone else or are you in love with this women and if so will what will you do to make her happy.
So lets say you may enterain the thought of having a child. What do you do then? talk it out.
What does talk it out mean - ok - I would love to have a child with you. Lets consider the budget/time and effort that all takes.
let her logically look at what all that takes - she might get defensive cause her "mind" is dead set on this "goal" let her get defense - reconginze that will happen and tell her I am not oppose to anything that will make you happy - tell her - a happy wife means a happy home - lets just try and figure out the numbers and logistics - who will stay home/day care etc.
Either the numbers add up or they don't but guess what you are listening to her and she loves that you are without yelling or spying or whatever. Give it a shot. We will be her to listen. If that doesnt work there are many other ways to get the honesty out. Communcation is the key.
Why he would never leave me with a newborn, BTW boy that guy is hot to trot.
No babies until a new relationship is found and is fully engulfed in love.
I see many red lights here.
Listen I love you I love us/what we have/ are we perfect? What is perfection? Who has it? Bill Gates? No idea however, love is that you put the other person first and you create a very safe zone for them to live and grow in. (you can say) I am trying to do my part (she may think I should do my part as well).
I hope we can grow and with growth comes trust however in the past things have happened that have broken my heart and in turn broken my trust I have come to find out xyz I am concerned xyz is happening without you letting me know that xyz is happening (xyz is the part she is trying to get pageant) . Thats a huge breach of trust again but there must be a reason so I am willing to listen to it. her is where she should explain.
Again defensive action will take place on her part safe zone should be installed to get her to see things through your eyes. That means a lot of communication on how this effects you and how would she like it if xyz happened on your end. Hopefully you can remain calm.
How does that look listen we both take responsibility for communication breaking down this seems to be very important to you I am here to listen to you and your concerns and thoughts and desires however you are taking extreme action without telling me or my input how would you like it if I did the same thing in regards to any major discussion.
She will probably blast you again however you then can say well a relationship is a 2 way street Not one way - offer her to either write you a letter on her feelings or talk to you about her concerns these folks are very poor communicators and she may feel she cant win an argument or get you to truly listen ones of my friends has told me that he lets his wife win arguments just so he doesnt run into these sorts of issues builds trust and her self esteem - so you tell her if we are to stay together we must learn to communicate what dude in the world will go through all of this for her (that would be you) and communicate like this she can then go ahead and try try and replace you cause every other guy wont put up with all the stuff you have again communication and letting her voice be heard and you saying to her I will think about that lets talk more women love communication and attention. Mainly thats why they cheat cause some dude listens and says hes a jerk now let me get into your pants - Women are emotional people that have hormones that go up one day and down the next with their cycle. To a guy its nonsense but to a women its not controllable but that need you to listen and not yell or pass judgment.
Again I hope this helps.
I think you need to just bring it up very matter of fact at counseling. In my opinion you are dealing with a huge potentially life altering situation here. She is clearly not respecting boundaries and that is something to be dealt with right away.
I think she is lucky that you are able to stay with her in light of this recent discovery. I hope she realizes this.
I don't know all about your situation or your wife as a person. This is just my suggestion as to how I would talk about it in counseling. I hope that it at least gives you something to think about.
This sounds like emotional blackmail...I will not address your feelings or needs in the marriage until I have what I want. A lousy power trip.
What if you just quietly get a vasectomy and let her know that if she suddenly turns up pregnant you'll be sure that it's not yours?
Damm why is she controllling your arse.
This is why society and marraiges is in such a mess.
Why look many states the criminals run the prisons literally.
Go ahead and be cuckhold or simply stand up for your rights.
The heart makes decisions that the mind is fighting but normally the heart wins out until we have in our minds done everything we can so that the heart becomes numb and tells us to move on.
So - you can communicate with her as much as possible and see where that takes you - let her know your feelings and how all this has affected you (if your honest and truthful you can also move on without regret).
People here have offered many a way to do just that. Do what is best for you.
She may be so broken that there is no saving her so you may only have to save yourself from her.
Thats a tough pill to shallow. But you are a good guy and you will be pulled by another girl (how was cheated on by some jackass) who would appreciate you to the skys or just great girl in general altogether that is just looking for a great guy.
Do what you need to do to either move on or fix this broken sitution - either way - you will be fine and we will be here to help you out and please keep us informed.
I can tell you that i am nervous for trying to do this romorrow with the counselor. i think more nervous than i was the first time a couple years ago. because i had thought we were past all this.
I might give her an opportunity to come clean about it all, but if she doesn't, then confront her in the counseling session. If possible, give the counselor a heads up so he or she knows what is coming. I'd do it calmly and as business-like as possible, explaining how this deception will tear your marriage apart. The counselor should be able to help you communicate with each other, and if you contact him/her before hand, perhaps some advice on how to approach the topic.
If she acts resistant, then I'd look at applying the 180 more fully.
That's just backwards. It should be as least as hard to qualify for that as adoption, because practically, it is the same thing. Only real difference is one doesn't exist yet. But that shouldn't play into it. Both would be placing a child into a broken family situation.