Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
I have been married for 11 years, together for 15. We have 2 children and I am currently pregnant with our 3rd. We have had a happy marriage, no major hiccups, and I thought we were content. When I was 10 weeks pregnant my husband went out of town on a business trip for one night. While he was at dinner alone he met someone. He made a calculated move and decided he liked this woman so much he wanted to sleep with her. He didn’t tell me when he returned, but was acting distant. I thought maybe it was the pregnancy or the fact that we were busy with 2 kids and full time jobs and that was why he was acting distant. He wasn’t feeling well for several weeks and I urged him to go to the doctor. Well he went without telling me. 10 weeks after his one night stand he was diagnosed HIV positive. He had no choice but to tell me about his infidelity. I had so many emotions. I was heartbroken, angry, sad, scared for my life and my unborn child’s life, and devasted for him. I couldn’t understand what would drive him to sleep with some stranger unprotected, knowing you have a pregnant wife at home that you could bring home god knows what to. Thankfully we didn’t think we had slept together since his encounter with her. He said he had felt guilty and that was why he had been so distant the past 10 weeks. I went to my doctor the next day and got tested. I was negative. Those were the most excruciating 24 hours of my life, Waiting for those results. I met with an infectious disease doctor as extra precaution. I never thought I would have to embark on such a thing in my life.
It has been 13 weeks since his diagnosis, 23 weeks since his affair, and I am 33 weeks pregnant. I have been tested a total of 3 times for HIV and will be again in 2 weeks. I feel like the one person who I cared about and trusted the most in this entire world just crushed everything. I have good days and bad days. I feel so alone. I’m hiding this from my best friends because I do not want this getting out. There is such a stigma with HIV. The only people that know are my doctor and nurse and a therapist that I am seeing. I have had calls from the health department. I feel like I shouldn’t have to go through this. I am pregnant and this is when I needed him the most and he betrayed me.
Of course he is sorry, says he knows he doesn’t deserve me, and says he doesn’t want to lose me either. He says this is the only time he has ever slept with someone else. I want to believe him but my gut is saying something else. It was too easy for him to meet some stranger and take her to his hotel 3 hours later.
I still love him. He is the father of my 3 children. The issue is this...how do We repair our marriage that has been ripped in two pieces without intimacy. Obviously sex for us is off the table. He is on medication and his viral load is undetectable but it still scares me to even think about putting myself at risk. I feel us drifting farther and farther apart mainly because I can’t shake the feeling of this huge decision of do I stay or do I go, that he has put on my shoulders because of his choice. I need to stay healthy for my 3 children. This is so much more than he slept with someone. I may could forgive him for that eventually, but his disease adds another factor. I didn’t choose to marry someone with HIV. While I feel so sorry for him and I do not think he deserves this, I can’t help but lookout for myself and my health and my future. I know no one out there has an answer. I guess I just want to know others thoughts and opinions about what you would do.
I think you are right that you need to looking out for yourself and your future.
Where my H never picked up anything in his infidelities (yet), the risk was too great.
I do agree with you that ‘it was too easy to pick up this one woman - I think you should listen to your gut. I’d also be concerned that his remorse also ties in with him being much less to zero marketable now.
I think you both need therapy together because with this and 3 children - your emotions and thoughts must be all over the place.
You have the right foundation- look out for number one.
2. It is not an easy disease to transmit from a woman to a man. Not impossible, just more difficult. Which makes me think that they either had anal sex, or sex more than once.
Did you confront the woman he supposedly got this from? Did she test positive?
Has your H had sex with men?
I would do a little more research.
DO NOT sleep with him or have sexual contact with him ever again. It is not worth the risk whatever his viral load is. Why would you risk your health/life to physically satisfy someone who cheated on you and exposed you to a chronic and potentially fatal disease.
Don't believe that this is the first time this has every happened. He seemed to be clever enough to get tested right away.
If he wants to continue to support his family financially then good for him but as for being a viable husband....I don't think that is possible now.
I can’t confront the person he got this from because he doesn’t even know anything about her. All he knows is her first name. He doesn’t know where she works exactly and he doesn’t even have her phone number. It drives me crazy that I can’t contact her. He was alone and 4 hours away so no one I know saw him or was around. He admitted he did this out of town because he knew he couldn’t get caught. (Another reason why I believe this isn’t the first time). I’ve wondered if it could have been from a male only because it is so hard to transmit from female to male. But then again I’ve wondered if she had just recently caught it and transmitted it to my H while her viral load was extremely high since most people don’t know they have it until later.
I’ve asked him if it was from a man and he said no. I’ve asked him if she was a prostitute and he said no.
Thanks everyone for your replies. It is good to read messages that confirm what I already know. It just breaks my heart that 15 years together and this is how we end up. I never wanted a divorce from him and this isn’t a relief for me. If anything it makes me more worried about how to raise 3 small children as a single mom who works full time but I know it’s been done.
I too am suspicious he cheated more than 1 time or male contacts. Sure things cheaters won't admit too.
Is this repairable. Only you can tell and no-one can blame you for leaving.
If he's 100 percent renorsefull and in therapy etc than maybe bit now on top of his cheating you will always habe to be concerned of his HIV.
This is huge I do suggest talking to a therapist for urself and to confide in 1 best friend this is not to something you can or should have to go through alone.
Hugs I will keep praying you and ur unborn are clean. Wgat a horrible discovery. Stay strong momma
I think you need to take care of yourself and your children. But you do have some decisions to make. You need more intel though. Start digging.
Good luck to you.
You have children so I agree you need to take your time and go into therapy to figure out of this is salvageable. Does he express genuine remorse and is open with his phone and other devices?
I can’t wrap my brain around that. If you love someone wouldn’t you think “gosh, this may devastate her.” But he was obviously selfish and just cared about himself in that moment. I asked him if it was a prostitute and he said no. He said she was there at the restaurant with a friend, they talked, they flirted, the friend left, the restaurant was closing, and he invited her to his hotel a couple of parking lots away.
He is open with his phone. I haven’t ever found anything. He isn’t on social media, he hates Facebook, etc. He really just has no logical explanation for what he did. That it was basically a careless impulsive move on his part and he says that I didn’t do anything wrong to make him go down that path. He is taking complete responsibility for his actions. It’s all just very devastating. All I can do right now is focus on this pregnancy and praying my next HIV test is still negative. If it is I should be cleared for good!
The definition of marital love is considering your spouse before yourself. Even in non-adulterous marriages this may not be the case.
In adulterous marriages this is always the case unfortunately. To claim marital love for someone while betraying their trust to the highest degree and at the same time potentially exposing them to deadly and at the least harmful diseases is not something loving.
Hate isn't the opposite of love, indifference is and I would argue that adultery is act of indifference towards the spouses' wellbeing and health.
Unfortunately the HIV legislation is being repealed with pressure from the LGBT lobby as it is said to discriminate against them and the fact that HIV is now not as deadly given medical breakthroughs that can reduce the counts to near zero for many people. From a legal stand giving someone herpes will be the same as HIV.