Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
"While true that the unfaithful spouse carries the bulk of the work to rebuild from an affair, what types of things aid a hurt spouse in this? It is tempting to sit back and think the hurt spouse doesn't need to do anything to help heal from the hurt, that it is the unfaithful spouse who needs to change and fix everything. But this is not true. If rebuilding is to work, both spouses need to invest in the rebuilding 100%, or it will likely fail."
http://healinginfidelity.blogspot.com/2014/07/healing-steps-for-hurt-spouse-general.html
http://healinginfidelity.blogspot.com/2014/07/healing-steps-for-hurt-spouse-general.html
And the truth is, if one successfully rebuilds, will require having empathy for the CS. As stated, it doesn't mean that happens quickly. But if you can't be aware of the difficult issues they are dealing with, yes of their own making, and recognizing they are struggling too (I'm talking about CSs struggling to rebuild, not those pretending), you will not be able to have a healthy relationship with them. Loving someone requires it.
Being cheated on forces us into a selfish mode ourselves, because of the pain. Part of healing is to not stay there. How long that takes for any one individual will vary depending on many factors. Or if ever, in the case of some, in which case that rebuilding will likely fail. If they do stay together, it won't be happily.
I can see why Learnings said it may seem protective of the cheater. I mean, if I had read this early on, I would be thinking the same thing. With time, I understand there is one big difference between empathy and sympathy. And...
...it does pay to understand where your spouse's head was at when they cheated and why they cheated. It's why we came here. We came to understand. In understanding, some see that how some deal with the problems IN the marriage are not the same as how others deal with those same problems. While some choose to cheat, others choose to work harder in the marriage. These are all helpful tools to those who choose to rebuild.
Like the article, Cole. All it says was, 'yup, I understand you were having a problem there and I felt it too. I struggled there too.' And that common ground is beyond value. And essential to rebuilding.
L~
Like I said, I can see where step 7 could be interpreted that way. What I'm hoping to find out is if that was it or were there other points that came across that way. Learnings stated it was the whole article. So I"m trying to nail down what it is that gave him that impression.
I know I didn't harp on what the CS should do as much, because that was covered in the Healing Steps for the Unfaithful Spouse
http://healinginfidelity.blogspot.com/2014/07/healing-steps-for-unfaithful-spouse.html
This article is focused on what the BS needs to do. There will be two more for the BS, one dealing with a cooperative CS and one about dealing with an uncooperative CS. It may just be this article needs to be taken in the context of all of them. Stay tuned.
1) First, realize you are not at fault for your spouse's affair. Because of that, it is never your fault, no matter how bad of a spouse you've been or how difficult the marriage has been. Take responsibility for your part in the problems of the marriage, but not for their decision to cheat.
Does confronting infidelity somehow indicate that the betrayed spouse has been a bad spouse, or the marriage difficult? Just because a spouse is confronted with a cheating partner doesnt mean that to me at all. I can agree that the betrayed spouse is not likely to have contributed to the cheating spouses decision to cheat. Though, not impossible, not usual? I am somewhat confounded that it seems like most of the time when an issue of cheating comes up, there is some kind of subtle implication that the betrayed spouse did something to prompt a cheating spouse. And that the betrayed spouse needs to do something to change whatever it is they did to contribute to the cheating? And, I cant really see how focusing on how wonderful the betrayed spouse should be, instead of focusing on what the cheating spouse did, is productive? It feels somewhat like the responsibility for the decision to cheat is deferred to the betrayed spouse.
2) Don't automatically assume you have been rejected, and that there is something wrong with you"..the majority of cases is the unfaithful spouse becomes vulnerable due to their personal issues and needs, and gives into temptation without thinking about the consequences.
It seems viable that the cheating spouse is in fact vulnerable due to their personal issues and needs, and either refuses to think about the consequences, or, is willing to accept the consequences in order to get their personal needs met. And, it also seems like their personal needs have little to do with the marriage at all. It seems to me like the need to cheat is separate from the needs met by the marriage partner. Maybe, the cheating spouse wants the needs met by the marriage to remain, while the needs outside of the marriage are met too? I mean, what marriage can supply every supposed need? Like? Novelty? Different? Dark needs?
the unfaithful spouse can't see anything other than what he wants right now. ..the strong desires he has, which may be sexual desires, ego stroking, attention, companionship, or a mixture of those.The stronger that desire is, up to an addiction, the less the later consequences play into the decision.
Yes, this does seem viable. It does seem like they want what they want right nowand blast the consequences. And, I believe that the CS does realize the consequences, and, at the time, figures perhaps a few things: I wont get caught, I can lie my way out of it, a divorce wont happen, no one is getting hurt. But, when the time comes to accept those consequences, they seem to balk at acceptance? Where is the decision they already made then?
What happens for many unfaithful spouses is they give in at a moment of temptation without thinking through the consequences.
I know my H didnt even have the wherewithal to claim that statement. Of course, he knew the consequences. The marriage would either be severely damaged or terminated. But, I suspect at the time, it seemed worth the exchange, until the time came to accept the consequences. Then the crying began.pleasedont divorce me? Really? He just believed he'd never get caught, he'd have his fun, and I'd be none the wiser. He would be able to get what he wanted from me. And, he'd be able to get what he wanted from cheating too. Problem arose when he did get caught, and the results were on the table in at least partial view for me.
He gave in to his desires. .I could talk to them about it, explain how desperately I need this, and we could go to marriage counseling. " Usually those needs are ignored or erupt in anger. The needs possibly being which may be sexual desires, ego stroking, attention, companionship, or a mixture of those.
Well, yes, he obviously gave in to his desires, maybe including sexual desires (novelty, etc.), ego stroking, attention, etc. But, how can anyone ever expect that all of their supposed needs be met? I feel like he was getting far too much ego stroking, attention, companionship, and sex at homeand maybe it just gave him an ego trip to seek even more? And, just because a cheating spouse desires some different sex, ego stroking, extra attention, etc.does that mean that the betrayed spouse is bad somehow because they cant meet every supposed need a mate has? I cant even suppose that I could reasonably expect that my spouse meet all of my needs. And, is cheating a need? I cant say that I need to have my ego stroked, or every sexual thought answered, or every novelty explored. I might want that, but I sure as heck dont need that.because if I had needed that, I would have been much more vulnerable than he has ever been. He got far more ego stroking, etc., sex his way, attention, appreciation, etc..within the confines of the marriage than I ever did. So, whining, I need more, is not going to raise any empathy with me. While he was seeking his thrills, I was left with little at all. But, then again, I was committed to marriage, and adjusted my expectations accordingly. I sometimes think that is the great difference in him and me. I might like a lot of things, but that doesnt mean that I expect a lot of things, or that I feel entitled to a lot of things. If I believed that, I would have never married, because? Im pretty sure that he could never, ever, meet all of my expectations if I operated under the premise that novelty is King.
"She made me feel better than you ever did, that's why I cheated," "But she said she loved him, and she can't stop thinking about him..a feeling they enjoy and desireinfatuation, their love for their spouse will seem to pale in comparison on the passion level. self-sacrificing love for each other.how the affair partner made him feel. He is in love with a feeling.
Well, yes, I can see how the desire, infatuation, clandestine sexual encounters, passion is not likely to compare with self-sacrificing love. Pale, the love of sacrifice? Colorful, the love of lust? So, then, if that is true, then how on Earth is the betrayed spouse supposed to feel in that pale in comparison situation? They may well have self-sacrificed their own desire, novelty, passion, etc. So, then, is the betrayed spouse somehow supposed to be able to become less than pale? If so, how? I can't quite imagine when dark thrill equals sacrifice to one who values the darkness?
3) Realize that the healing process and rebuilding trust will take time. Two years.. or you have trouble getting past issues.depression and a sense of loss on a recurring basis.hurt will become less and less, duller and duller time it takes for a couple to feel the changes in their life have become the "new normal.
Yes, changes, drastic changes.years of periodic depression, loss, sorrow, hurtthe new normal? And, all of this because a cheating spouse chases a thrill..something a little more colorful than real life, not quite so paleriddled with dishes, children, work, boredometc? And, what is gained here? Can you define a new normal?Does that mean a marriage with less trust? A marriage with less contentment A marriage with less security? A marriage with less intimacy? Because that new normal sure as heck feels that way to me. I took some advice and allowed my feelings to wane, time to pass, etc...don't make any decisions right away. I often feel that was a huge mistake on my part. I feel like my feelings on D-day were more authentic and real than anything I've encountered since.
4) Know the stages of grief so you can work through each stage, avoid getting stuck, and find acceptance. You can read up on them in this article. Realize that these emotions and struggles are normal and needed to heal, as painful as they are. Bottling them up and ignoring them can prevent healing.
Acceptance? Can you please elaborate? Of course, I realize that emotions in relation to cheating are normal. Normal for an abnormal situation. Im not so sure which is stuck and which is just reality of the situation. Can you elaborate?
5) Work toward a healthy and strong sense of self. The affair changes the relationship significantly from what it was before. Both in how you look at your spouse, but also in how you perceive yourself through your spouse's eyes. It will never be what it was prior to the affair.
I can fully agree with this. The relationship is not the same at all. I dont see my spouse the same, and I certainly dont feel good through his eyes. And, I know it can never be that way again. One thing may be good of it, I expect very little.
6) For those of faith, seek out spiritual counseling from your pastor/priest, or spiritual leader, or even a close friend who you feel is strong in the faith.
Why is it such a big deal to end in divorce? And, what else might be expectedexactly? I value my spiritual life far more than I value a marriage. My husbands chosen path has nothing to do with my spiritual life, it may however have a lot to do with his. I would think that he might well need to seek some kind of counseling in that regard.
7) For successful rebuilding, you will want to eventually reach a stage of empathy with the unfaithful spouse. eventually you'll need to get there. Empathy is "the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.Empathy says you understand that their pain exists,. Empathy acknowledges that the other person has real needs, concerns, and difficulties in this journey as well.and focus on self and their own pain, they have to reach a place where they are able to understand the pain the unfaithful spouse is going through. He has to deal with the reality that he committed an act against the one they love (if that's the case) and who he doesn't want to lose..unlike other sins, fornication and adultery are sins against one's own body and person. He also has the initial pain, if the affair was ongoing when discovered, of breaking off a relationship he was enjoying, usually before he was ready to do so. One of the hardest things for the unfaithful spouse to do is break that relationship whether or not he felt he was "in love."
Of course, I realize that he has needs, concerns, etc. I know that he has the pain he has invited. I can say that it is too bad he brought all that on himself. I dont understand any remorse over what he feels about his relationship with me having some kind of value to himwhatever that was or is. Whatever pale comparison I may be to lust and novelty. I could care less about what he was enjoying and missesand I never will. Why should I? Can you explain that? Id love to hear it.
Until you reach a stage of empathy for the unfaithful spouse, until you can find the ability to care for what they are going through, rebuilding will not happen. For what you are rebuilding to isn't just an existence with each other, but a rekindling of the love you have for each other. Without empathy, that will never happen.
Well, that may well be the answermaybe. Because I dont really care about what he misses and I will never care about what he misses. And, as you previously suggestedthings are never the same after infidelity. And, I feel like this is why. Even if I allow for the fact that he is missing his good time, and that he has given up his good time for whatever reason, it doesnt induce me to feel empathy that his relationship with me was pale in comparison. Not to mention, the trust is destroyed. And, what to do of that?
8) Don't obsess over the affair partner. I know, it is natural to do so.take your focus off where it needs to be: on your spouse. ..and continue to seek after what he once had. Because. The more contact he has, the less likely he'll break that bond, and the more likely he'll return to the affair partner.
I cant feel like I would ever want to deny any person of what they want. And, if what they want is someone else, then Id be most likely to suggest they go get it. I cannot imagine thinking that I would want to be their pale comparisonever. So, if I felt my husband was missing his thrill, I would suggest he seek it...period.
9) Guard your thoughts. guarding your thoughts..That is, "Whatever will be, will be." do something physical. burn off some steam. pain would distract her from her thoughts.
or I could start going there myself to "this is where they started their affair, worked out together, swam together." Seeing the gym isn't a trigger to the affair as it would have been had I taken the other route. images of your spouse in the arms of the affair partner arise during sex, causing you to lose all interest, have ready images of you and your spouse to shove in front of them.
How does this compare with avoidance, or denial, or is it just a coping with reality mechanism? I have to wonder, what is my mind, my feelings, emotions, memory attempting to convey? Or, is it just something, a part of me, that I must ignore?
10) Interact with the unfaithful spouse in a straightforward, clear, and business-like manner. Yes, at first your emotions are going to be running wild. Would be a wee bit scarey if I didnt feel at all emotional?
First, what your goals and expectations of him will be.
Second, list the consequences of these not happeningFor some unfaithful spouses, they have convinced themselves that you would never leave them. Hence, I can cheat, the marriage will be damaged, but Ill get to keep it? Make sure you are ready to do that should it go that far.
This is very important to me.
Nothing worse than drawing a line in the sand, to back up and draw a new line when that one is crossed. Then the lines mean nothing.
This seems like an absolute necessity when a partner does not have healthy internal boundaries. Especially, when they cry, swear to the trutheven when theyre lying, and attempt to manipulate the situation. After enough lies are discovered, this is the worst thing for me to encounter. Struggles with hope and feelings of futility.
So I would suggest breaking them down in stages as much as possible, both loosening up as he does better, and tightening down if he falters.
I would feel like his mommy hereand that isnt conducive to a marriage for methoughI realize its merit. .
forced to hand in his smart phone and get an old fashion, no frills, basic phone with no texting ability.
Like I might do to a teenager?
Or he allows spyware to be installed on his phone so you can fully monitor him.
Further proof of no trust at all?
Or you first take an extended trip to a relative, and if that doesn't reverse things, separate.
I am more comfortable with this option, because it allows him to own his own decisions and outcomes. And, it gets me out of his presence. I often feel much better when I am not in his physical presence. So, a break with that is good in many ways.
If he falters again, divorce after a certain amount of time has passed without resolution.
I see no other viable alternative.
Break it down into progressively more restrictive stages as required, and back them down as he becomes more cooperative.
I think this is both good and bad. It allows me to enforce healthy boundaries. Yet, it reduces him to being in a controlled situation because he wants to do what he wants to do. I often feel like Id rather he just do what he wants to do, and accept the results of so doing? I have no problem with his choosing his path. I do have a problem with his whining when he reaches the end of it.
Not to be manipulative, but to reward behavior that will help rebuild, and discourage behavior that will end in divorce court. The idea is you are joining him to work on this together, not just him doing all the work.
I can almost see your point, yet again, it seems like the same method I used to train my puppy. And, I dont want a puppy for a husband?
The communication needs to happen in a calm, rational manner. Not threats, ultimatums, and screaming. You also need to be firm and confident. A no-nonsense manner of "this is the way it needs to be if we're to make it. Are you with me or not?" Also allow the unfaithful spouse to communicate clearly to you as well. Make it a discussion, not a lecture. Not all of your goals need to be given at one time. You may start with a basic list, but add to it over time as new things pop up. Think in terms of short-term needs and where you want the relationship to be over time.
I fully agree that quiet communication is a valuable asset. Couldnt agree more. On the other hand, given the circumstances, it seems phony, contrived and unnatural. The last thing I might want to become is a phony.
11) Get help through counseling and good books.
Books can be a major source of help in rebuilding both yourselves and your relationship. I'd recommend the following book to begin your healing journey.
I find that reading books written by others does allow me to see their perspective, but, it seems like it more reminds me of the folly of the situation. However, it does allow me remember why I feel like I feel, and to keep myself current on how I really feel. I often feel like it is most distressing to feel like Ive forgotten what the facts are.
In the same way, rebuilding a marriage and yourself after an affair is not a do-it-yourself task. If you go it alone, chances of success go way down.
I often think of success in this kind of situation as doing what is best for me given the circumstances. And, it seems like that is so individual that no one could greatly advise me. Ultimately, I am likely the only one who knows what quality of life means to me. Though, reading someone elses journey may be parallel in many ways, we are all individuals with distinct needs and goals in life. So, hearing some schooled person telling me that it is expected that men will become bored with their wives and marriage, and that is just to be accepted that they have a desire to cheat and experience novelty, is not acceptable to me at all. Maybe for that counselorwith their specific needs, desires and goals. But, not necessarily to mine. So, sometimes, sometimes, it seems like a counselor is just adding another problem to the mix.
When you look for a therapist in your area, search for those with experience in helping with infidelity. Once attending sessions, if it is clear they are enabling rug-sweeping, blame-shifting, or other tactics which divert you from dealing with the issues.
Here, I feel like any counselor who does not want to deal with the immediate issueinfidelityand instead seeks to explore an overall marital status is not going to help me at all. That...smacks of diversion of the issue to me. Whether or not my husband perceives that his laundry is not to his expectations, has no bearing in my mind whatsoever in why he feels entitled to seek thrills.
feel free to change counselors until you find one that can truly help you.
I agree. I fired two of them. And, the third suggested that this kind of situation is just something you live through. So, I did. I didn't need his help to tell me that?
Posted on 05/28/14, 11:25 am
Partners of sex addicts commonly demonstrate six stages of personal growth and development. These stages were initially developed by Dr Patrick Carnes. His research focused on sex addicts and their partners. He followed 99 partners of sex addicts over five years, as they progressed from finding out about the addiction to integration of this, in their lives.
These six stages will serve as a model to help guide you through a rough and necessary journey toward your healing and recovery. There are aspects of the stages that will best describe you today. But the stages are also meant to give you a practical set of steps involved in recovering from this crisis in your life. Most important, the stages help you see that you are not alone and that things can improve.
The Stages;
* The Developing Stage/ Pre-Discovery
* Crisis/ Decision/ Information
* Shock
* Grief/ Ambivalance
* Repair
* Growth
How you experience the stages of recovery will depend on many factors, including your personality, any medical or psychiatric diagnoses such as depression or addiction and past loses. If you have experienced losses or betrayals, or have suffered abuse or trauma in your background, you may find it more difficult to move through your stages.
You may find one stage more challenging than another, and you may even stay in one stage for a longer period of time. You may confront a new crisis or challenge which may pull you back into an earlier stage, such as triggering event like the anniversary of discovering your partners addiction or an old cell phone bill. These triggers can conjure up old feelings that you believed you had resolved. Similarly, you may see yourself vacillating between two or more stages at once.
1. Developing Stage
Is the period of time prior to knowing there was a problem or before discovery/ disclosure. You may find during this stage that you were either completely in the dark about the addiction, or had some suspicions but were not fully aware of the extent of your partners sexual acting out. During this stage, you might try to keep the peace in the home and hold an idealised view of the relationship.
If you were completely in the dark about the acting out, you may have had a hunch that something wasn't right with the addict. You likely experienced the unmanagability of the addiction in the other areas of your life, such as parenting, finances, work and intimacy. Because life was increasingly unmanageable, you may have found yourself attempting to control the other areas of your life, such as work, the children, the household etc.
Conversely, you may have known about certain aspects of the behaviour, like pornography use, but had no idea about the content of the sex acting out. When you accidently found suspicious info you might have overlooked it or believed the addicts convincing explanantions. Your gut instint may have been telling you one thing but your mind told you another. You sensed that something was wrong, however, you didn't have the info to back it up. Instead you questioned yourself and would give your partner the benefit of the doubt. This may have even resulted in you questioning your own self worth.
During this stage its common to tolerate behaviours that others woulf find intolerable. This may include verbal or physical abuse, lack of availablity, emotional distance, and a lack of functioning in many areas. You may have found yourself caretaking to a fault. Unconsciously, you may have minimised the addicts behaviours, and covered up for them by making excuses or concessions despite your better judgement. You may have found yourself defending the addict, and believeing the addicts words over his actions.
Core Characteristics;
* believing tall tales
* tolerating and normalising unacceptable behaviour from the addict
* self doubt, not trusting gut instincts
* having hunch something is not right
* seeking couples therapy
* unmanagability
* loss of values, morals, or beliefs deemed imporatnt to keep peace with your partner
2. The Crisis/ Decision Stage
During this stage, the facade of the secret life of the addict has been exposed, and reality and disillusionment is beginning to settle in. As in any life-altering crisi, how you respond has a lot to do with your personality and if you suffered from prior crisi in your life. This means that if you are someone who has experienced frequent loses, then you are apt to be more reactionary than someone who has not. The old responses get reactivated and add to your distress. In addition, the duration of the addicts behaviours, the types of behaviours engaged in, and length of time of the relationship will also influence how you respond to the fallout of discovery/disclosure.
If you are someone who withdrawls from crisis, you will find that you want to avoid knowing about the addict or sex addiction in general. You may act as though nothing has changed and try to keep up with your normal respomsibilities. Or if you are someone who is more action-oriented, you will find yourself seeking honesty and accountability from the addict, despite the fact that a part of you cannot trust what she or he says.
Due to broken trust, you may find yourself checking up on your partner or playing detective to determine if he or she is still lying and acting out. In fact, you may find yourself doing these behaviours when typically you are not someone who snoops or even wants to, but you find you are compelled to look for things. You may ruminate or obsess about the addict, his ir her whereabouts and seek to review the details of his or her behaviour repeatedly.
Much of this is in attempt to examine what happened and to come to terms with how you didn't figure out what your partner was up to before the discovery. You may be replaying the past in an attempt to capture how you could have prevented it from happening or confronted it sooner. All of these action steps are in response to being lied to and are a strategy to ward off the painful realities you are beginning to experience as a result of the betrayal.
Core Characteristics;
* a catalytic event occurs: you discover or are disclosed to about your partners duplicate behaviour.
* information gathering
* taking action/ making decisions, such as sending the sex addict to treatment or joining a 12 step group.
3. The Shock Stage
The crisis and shock stage often overlap, and for some may even happen simultaneously. During the crisis you learned about behaviours, gathered info, and perhaps responded by making decisions. Shock is how you responded emotionally and spiritually to the crisis confronting you.
The upheaval during the shock stage can last 6 months and at times years. Variables that predict how long you are in these two stages depend on your presponse to the crisis and how your partner does or doesn't progress in recovery. Feelings of betrayal are overwhelming and mistrust of the addict reaches its peak. You seek honesty and accountability from the addict even though he or she has become untrustworthy to you. Despite this, you want disclosure of all previously concealed info or believe there is more when you have been told that there isn't. You don't know what to believe and you suffer from a multitute of reactions.
You may have periods of numbness, contrasted by times of upheaval and conflict. At times, you may find it easier to avoid the feelings. However, despite this strategy, there are often many feelings lurking underneath the surface that arise during times of conflict such as anger, resentment, pain, shame, hostility, and hopelessness. You may be experiencing crying spells, depression, and even thoughts of suicide. You may begin to question your worth.
Understandably, you will have tremendous self doubt and will need outside support to help you validate your pain and challenge some of your thinking. Living in an addictive system is about secrets and isolation from others. Recovery becomes about letting others into your world and learning new behaviours and choices that were previously unavailable to you.
Core Characteristics;
* emotional numbness or avoidance
* feelings of victimimation
* suspiciousness
* terror about the slips, future relapse
* distrust
* conflict
* feelings of despair
* anger, hostility, self rightousness, blame and criticism
4. Grief and Ambivalence Stage
One of the most important aspects of moving through your pain is recognising and experiencing your grief. Acknowledging your pain and sadness is essential to moving past feelings of anger and betrayal. At the core of betrayal are feelings of pain, sadness and rejection. Anger is often considered a secondary emotion to pain and sadness. So grieving is one of the central processes allowing you to move through your anger and feelings of betrayal. The wounding you have experienced cuts to the very core of your heart and soul, leaving you feeling shattered. Allowing yourself time to grieve the many losses during this time will help propel you into the next stage of repair and growth.
Distinguishing grief from self pity is important too. You may believe that feeling sorry for yourself is a waste of time and an indulgence that should not be tolerated. But grief is essential because it is that most private area of yourself that allows you to own your pain on a deeper level. Acknowledging, "Hey I have been seriously wronged and i hurt" is important. It helps you stop internalising the problem and move into your own core feelings of loss, betrayal and sadness. It allows you freedom from focusing on what the addict is or isn't doing which will assist you in connecting with your authentic self.
Some of the losses you will experience are;
Loss of the dream of your relationship
Loss of self
Loss of relationship as it once was
Loss of emotional safety
Loss of sexual safety
Loss of financial stability
Spiritual vacancy eg; 'where is god?'
You may contemplate separation, divorce, and have fantasies about how life would be without the partner or wish something would happen to him so you wouldn't have to go through this pain anymore. You may also find yourself attracted to someone else. Alternatively the idea of being attracted to someone else may repulse you and conjure up feelings of mistrust and tremendous fear.
One of the significant gifts that comes from this stage is the gift of self awareness and introspection. Instead of focusing on the addicts needs and wants, you begin to focus on your needs and wants. Your self care typically deepens during this stage. This is an essential shift to make in the healing process because without focusing on yourself, you will not move into the next stage of repair.
Core Characteristics;
* grieving losses
* feelings of dpression
* ambivilance about the relationship
* increased introspection and focus on the self
* less focus on the addicts behaviour and more on your own
5. Repair Stage
For many partners, it can take years of shock and grief before healing really starts to solidify and they move into the repair stage, Repair is marked by increased introspection and less focus on the addicts nehvaiour. Although you continue to hold the addict accountable for what he did to you, you have moved toward greater responsibility and honesty for your own happiness. You know you need to be treated respectfully and honesty by the addict, but you see how others treat you stems from your own self worth.
You may alos start to make the connections between your past during this stage. For example; you may consider how your family of origin impacted your choices and influenced your adult actions, especially in your relationship with the addict. This may include focusing on the themes from your past, such as abandonment, abuse and neglect.
Many partners deepen their spirituality at this time. Coping skills and social support systems become stronger. Secrecy and isolation are replaced with solitude and compassionship. Self defeating behaviours often diminish. Overall your deep pain and turmoil subsides and a more relaxed, introspective self emerges with a stronger voice.
These changes reflect in your relationship as well. You will have a better understanding of the addiction and the addicts behaviours, which places you in a stronger position to evaluate the relationship. You have a clearer picture about the addicts sexual acting out and the boundries you need to keep yourself safe. You belive the actions, not the words of the addict, and you don't live in denial of the addiction or the addictive behaviours. You are able to hold the addict accountable and not fear communication. You are able to see red flags and confront them effectively. If you become retraumatised by relapses or divorce, you openly seek additional resorces and handle it. You are more emotionally prepared to make a decision to leave a relationship if indicated. If the addict is in recoevry, and your relationship is progressing in a healthy way, you may explore trust and intimacy that is deeper than before.
Core Characteristics;
* intropsection
* decision making stage about the relationship
* deeper insight into causes of your co-addiction
* family of origin themes examined and intergrated
* prior losses more fully grieved
* increased strength and coping skills
* Boundary setting
* emotional stability
6. Growth Stage
The final stage is growth. This syage involves continued self transformation. One of the hallmarks of this stage for partners is letting go of feelings of victimization and replacing it with resiliency. You may discover a way to make meaning out of your suffering.
Gratitude for the addiction and the opportunities for self actualization that it provided occur here. The addiction was a catalyst for change and you responded to it. The many challenges you faced elevated you to a higher level of well being and you experience of inner peace and greater appreciation for the work that you had to do in confronting this challenge.
You turn outward, not in a caretaking sense, but in a genuine desire to pass on what was given to you. Your compassion for other peoples pain reinforces your committment to healing. You can now realisitically check your motivations and can catch yourself when you fall into old self defeating patterns.
Core Characteristics;
* decreased feelings of being victimised by the addiction
* focus on issues not directly related to the addiction
* communication of your role in the dyfunction of the relationship increases
* acknowledgement of the gifts the addiction has bought to your life
* ability to be present and fully focused on the other areas of life.
Conclusion;
While considering these stages, don't judge yourself harshly or try to force yourself into a future stage. Every partner goes through the stages at her pace. Hopefully, reviewing these stages will provide you some peace of mind that the crisis will not last forever, and growth and insight are the inevitable gifts you will recieve through this experience.
Learning, thank you for taking the time to respond in such detail. It was helpful to see what you were seeing. Likewise, I'll extract parts of what you said to answer questions or clarify. I'll try to keep them short, so feel free to ask me to expand on anything I'm not clear on.
Yes, DS doesn't have a good way to quote post. To make it clear, I'll enclose your words between two number signs like I did above.
##Does confronting infidelity somehow indicate that the betrayed spouse has been a bad spouse, or the marriage difficult? . . . I am somewhat confounded that it seems like most of the time when an issue of cheating comes up, there is some kind of subtle implication that the betrayed spouse did something to prompt a cheating spouse. And that the betrayed spouse needs to do something to change whatever it is they did to contribute to the cheating? . . . It feels somewhat like the responsibility for the decision to cheat is deferred to the betrayed spouse.##
Maybe I should have worded it clearer, because I'm saying the opposite. What I'm addressing is many times BSs come to the forum feeling like their spouse cheating was their fault, at least in part. Sometimes due to low self-esteem, but frequently as the result of a successful blame-shifting by the CS. Usually this involves the CS saying something along the lines of, You push me away all the time and nag me to death. Of course I couldn't resist when she desired me. IOW, they usually point to some issue in the marriage for which they are dissatisfied.
My point being that even if the accusation is true, and I'm not saying it is, it doesn't justify the decision of the CS to address any perceived problems by deciding to cheat. If there are marital issues that need addressing, then the BS should accept their part in the development of those and work on them. But that is the case whether cheating is in the mix or not. No spouse is perfect. Most spouses can point out things about their partner they don't like or can identify areas of the marriage that need work. The point being no matter how true or bad those are, it is a rare case that the BS is in any way to blame for the affair. (I'm personally aware of two cases where I could viably claim the BS is in part at fault.) At best they might have contributed to the CS's temptation to cheat, unknowningly, but that isn't the same thing as being at fault for the CS's affair. Far from it.
##And, it also seems like their personal needs have little to do with the marriage at all. It seems to me like the need to cheat is separate from the needs met by the marriage partner.##
While one would hope spouses' personal needs would in part be met through the marriage (it is supposed to be a mutually beneficial arrangement, and if that isn't happening on some level that is a marital issue), but you are right. It is unrealistic to think the marriage will meet every need. Spouses shouldn't expect them to.
Again, I'm pointing out that the affair happened not because of a shortcoming in the BS, but due to an issue within the CS. Because frequently BSs come here believing he cheated because I'm not pretty enough or I'm too fat or I don't have dinner on the table when he comes home, etc. Frequently a BS will think to themselves, if I fix this, then he won't cheat on me. Not true. Ultimately it isn't about the BS, but the CS. Any projection by the CS of BS shortcomings is usually a justification developed after the fact, not why they cheated. Even if it was, it would not justify the affair.
##What happens for many unfaithful spouses is they give in at a moment of temptation without thinking through the consequences.
I know my H didnt even have the wherewithal to claim that statement. Of course, he knew the consequences. The marriage would either be severely damaged or terminated.##
True, but there is a big difference between knowing the consequences and thinking about them. Few CSs say to themselves before they say yes, This will likely end my marriage, for sure severely damage it, but what the hell. I don't care.
Rather, like you point out, the pull of the affair is so strong, they will come up with justifications of why they don't need to think about this.
##And, just because a cheating spouse desires some different sex, ego stroking, extra attention, etc.does that mean that the betrayed spouse is bad somehow because they cant meet every supposed need a mate has?##
Hardly. It has nothing to do with the BS, but because it is a desire of the CS, that is where the problem lies. Not in the BS. The BS may be responsible for not meeting a need/desire they should be meeting (like romance, you shouldn't expect them to get that met anywhere else), but of course they will have needs or desires that the marriage can't meet. Some desires, frankly, should not be met by anyone. Because a CS has desires shouldn't equate to the BS is responsible for fulfilling them all. This is more explaining what is generally going on in the CS in order for the BS to understand it is not their shortcoming, but the CS's desires that are out of whack.
##Can you define a new normal?Does that mean a marriage with less trust? A marriage with less contentment A marriage with less security? A marriage with less intimacy? Because that new normal sure as heck feels that way to me.##
The new normal is whatever a couple rebuilds to. Whether one likes the new normal and can be happily married in it is another issue. Each BS has to evaluate that for themselves. There will be losses, and possibly some gains (like I feel more intimate with my W now than we've been through a good hunk of our 32-year marriagein some ways I've got the wife now that I'd wanted for over 28 years). While I'm not glad the affair happened, I'm happy with my new normal. I know more aren't than are, though.
##I took some advice and allowed my feelings to wane, time to pass, etc...don't make any decisions right away. I often feel that was a huge mistake on my part. I feel like my feelings on D-day were more authentic and real than anything I've encountered since.##
How long did you wait before making a decision? The recommended time is 3 months. By that time a person should generally be able to evaluate whether the CS is doing all they should and whether they are willing to give them another chance. After 3 months, the emotions of dday are still fresh in the mind. Maybe not as immediate, but certainly not gone. It isn't about the authenticity of the feelings, but giving yourself enough time emotionally to make a decision not based on reactions to wild emotion, but a broader perspective. 3 months into it is not much time and one generally still feels the impact of dday. But you've had time to evaluate where you are at and the CS, to make a more informed decision.
Most of the people who lament not divorcing on dday do so years after dday, not 3 months. But I agree, some people don't divorce that should, in part because they believe if they just fix X, then everything will be okay. They end up enabling destructive behaviors of their CS and nothing changes in the CS's behaviors and attitudes because the BS ends up believing it is about them, not the CS. Not suggesting that is your situation, just one reason.
##Acceptance? Can you please elaborate? Of course, I realize that emotions in relation to cheating are normal. Normal for an abnormal situation. Im not so sure which is stuck and which is just reality of the situation. Can you elaborate?##
Acceptance is step 5 in the stages of grief explained in the article linked to there: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. These are the traditional stages any person tends to experience when a loss happens. Most often applied to the death of a loved one. Essentially they detail the emotional stages a person goes through to deal with the trauma of a loss to the point where they can effectively move forward with their life: live in the present and look toward the future. How long and how winding the path is through these stages vary according to the individual.
Acceptance is the stage when a person comes to terms emotionally that it happened, the loss is real and no amount of longing and crying and sorrow over it will change the facts, it will only put one's life on hold until they're finished grieving. Acceptance of the reality ends the grieving stage and allows the person to focus on now and the future.
Getting stuck in one tends to happen because the BS feels some security in that stage. Like being angry at the CS and the situation is normal. But some feel the anger gives them control over their CS and feel staying angry will ensure it doesn't happen again, so they stay angry. Sometimes it is because the CS isn't cooperative and the pain stays fresh, being renewed constantly. Sometimes it is because the BS feels safe there, so they stay until they feel secure enough to move beyond it.
##Why is it such a big deal to end in divorce? And, what else might be expectedexactly?##
I wouldn't label it as a big deal in that sense (though it is a big deal for someone going through it, none of this is easy). Simply, if a BS wants to rebuild, it either ends successfully or it doesn't. Employing all the support one has available, including spiritual help, often gives it a better chance of being successful. But can be of value too if one ends in divorce instead.
##I value my spiritual life far more than I value a marriage. My husbands chosen path has nothing to do with my spiritual life, it may however have a lot to do with his. I would think that he might well need to seek some kind of counseling in that regard.##
To me it isn't an either/or issue. One's spiritual life should impact and inform all aspects of their life, including marriage and infidelity. It should be natural to lean on the resources of one's faith in times of crisis. Yes, the CS should be doing this in addressing their sin, but this is an article directed to what the BS can do, not the CS.
##I could care less about what he was enjoying and missesand I never will. Why should I? Can you explain that? Id love to hear it.##
Having empathy (not sympathy, which is what you are describing) isn't caring about why they hurt, only that they do. I wasn't at all sympathetic that my wife missed her OW. To me, it was an invalid relationship that never should have happened, and I expected her to bring it to a sudden and complete end. I didn't care about her missing her OW, I hated it. But I did care for her, and feelings are there whether legitimate or not, and one can't flip a switch and have them go away (for either party). The fact was she suffered. Did she deserve it? In some ways, yes. She brought it on herself. It wasn't my fault she developed an emotional and intimate relationship with another man. But because I care about her, I cared that she was suffering, no matter the reason. That's empathy.
##9) Guard your thoughts. guarding your thoughts..That is, "Whatever will be, will be." do something physical. burn off some steam. pain would distract her from her thoughts.
How does this compare with avoidance, or denial, or is it just a coping with reality mechanism? I have to wonder, what is my mind, my feelings, emotions, memory attempting to convey? Or, is it just something, a part of me, that I must ignore?##
Avoidance and denial means you don't want to face the emotions and issues at all. But often thoughts and triggers artificially refresh the pain long after those things have been dealt with. Often quite unexpectedly. Dwelling on things for a period of time will happen naturally for most, but if at some point they don't diminish, continued dwelling on them isn't constructive. So learning to distract yourself from them is an attempt to get the mind out of that loop of being overly focused.
That is assuming, of course, that the CS is on the right road to rebuilding as well instead of continuing to inflict new wounds.
##So I would suggest breaking them down in stages as much as possible, both loosening up as he does better, and tightening down if he falters.
I would feel like his mommy hereand that isnt conducive to a marriage for methoughI realize its merit. .##
I can see how that impression could come across. Not my intent. Rather, you can't control him, but you do control your responses. The concept is he does X, you respond accordingly with your own decision, mostly dealing with transparency. Of course you can't force him to get a non-smart phone if he really doesn't want one, but then you have your answer: he's not invested in rebuilding and establishing boundaries to help you feel safe.
But in the end, those are just suggestions and examples. A BS will have to decide what those stages should be, how many or few, and respond to his actions with their own. The point being if you draw the divorce line in the sand too early and aren't ready to follow through on it, it will be worse for the BS and the resulting relationship.
##I can almost see your point, yet again, it seems like the same method I used to train my puppy. And, I dont want a puppy for a husband?##
If that is what it ends up being, I'd agree with you. If in the end of it, he's not there because he decisively wants to be, and this has simply manipulated him into staying, that is a false win. But often they do want to be there, but they struggle with conflicting emotions as a result of the affair. It is more like demanding certain boundaries be met until they are able to keep them on their own. This is more akin to helping someone break an addiction than training a puppy.
From what I can tell, about three or four of these dealt with feelings of protecting the CS. Most of the rest dealt with other issues. I can see your points on that, and if I do a revision on the book in the future, I'll look into making it clearer. Hopefully I've clarified some of it though. Thanks for your time in responding. I appreciate the feedback and perspective.
However, I have felt like there was a consistent tendency to describe the infidelity in such a way as it seemed to me to be a glorified 'wow" kind of thing. I get that. I really do. I understand "wow!" I'm neither inexperienced or immune to "wow." But, I remember, and sometimes it still really irks me to read these statements that "seem" like, marital affection, sex, or intimacy just doesn't quite equal the "wow" of cheating. I often, honestly, threw the books at the wall. They resounded quite nicely...ha! I would pick them up and read a bit again when I didn't have the keen desire to burn them...ha!
In my case, I'm not likely a good example of a "recovering spouse." Because, I was once married to a man for around twelve years who I suspected was a cheater, amongst other things. By today's loose description he might be the poster boy for sexual addiction. And, I'm pretty sure that as much as I hate to admit it, his "wow" far exceeded my offerings of marital fidelity, honesty, affection, etc. And, it never could, or would, be an even exchange. I often feel like marriage is kind of an exchange for a life free to roam? I feel like I entered into marriage because I knew that I was both willing and able to maintain my focus on the marriage partner of my choice. If I didn't feel like either of those things, then I certainly wouldn't even begin a losing hand. But, it seems like some folks do that. For what reason, I'm unsure. Though, I don't think that I "expected" that marriage might "always" be "wow!" Nice thought! I did try to keep it that way against all odds. It seems I can feel that way, mostly, but a cheater can't?
Then I married again, been over thirty years now....a really large span of time. And, once again, I have discovered that I am confronted with what might be loosely termed these days as a "sexual addiction." And, once again, I suspect that my offerings of marital fidelity, honesty, affection, etc...are not equal to that "wow." And, given a lot of the materials, articles, and commentary I've read, I suspect that maybe infidelity in general, might, be loosely described as a weak form of addictive thought processes?
I know that I haven't been immune to the "thought" of infidelity. It was suggested to me quite a lot. But, I can't imagine ever disgracing myself, nor degrading my partner with such a lowly behavior. I told my H this "before" we were ever married. If I "ever" felt like I encountered a person who I just "must" pursue, my H would be the very first to know that. And, I would not "ever" cheat. I find no reason to. I can't quite equate the "wow" of self-service with a disrespectful person to be equal with self-respect and honor. There's no "wow" equal to that for me.
That being said, I just can't quite get why any spouse can cheat, lie, betray, and then "expect" any kind of positive response. Not only is the BS been cheated of whatever amount of time in their lives the indiscretion chewed up in futility, but, they are confronted with a spouse who has displayed their degraded character openly. That's a tough thing to encounter. I'm not saying that it's necessarily an "end all." But, it certainly isn't a recipe for a respectful, honorable and loving marriage is it?
As far as the empathy you describe....and thank you for doing that...I have always had a wee bit...wee bit...of empathy for any person who would stoop that low. I can only imagine how it might feel to look in the mirror and see that character staring back at me. I can however really say, there but for the grace of God go I. And, I'm grateful to have had the basic structure to know that self-destruction does not end well? In that manner, I do feel what you describe as a sort of distanced empathy. I'm not so sure that that empathy equals a good outcome however. I know, because I've experienced it in real time, that though I was able to feel empathy for my X, I was not willing to live a miserable life for him.
You made a statement, "Because frequently BSs come here believing he cheated because I'm not pretty enough or I'm too fat or I don't have dinner on the table when he comes home, etc. Frequently a BS will think to themselves, if I fix this, then he won't cheat on me. Not true."
I can agree with that. So, then, because I do believe that, then it is also hard for me to understand why so many authors made suggestions about what the BS must do to mend the marriage. If, in fact, and I do believe it's true, the BS really has nothing to do with the decisions of the CS, then what can changing themselves accomplish? It often "feels" like it's just a deterrent to dealing with the real issue. And that is? The cheating spouse's thoughts and behaviors?
You shared, "True, but there is a big difference between knowing the consequences and thinking about them. Few CSs say to themselves before they say yes, This will likely end my marriage, for sure severely damage it, but what the hell. I don't care. Rather, like you point out, the pull of the affair is so strong, they will come up with justifications of why they don't need to think about this."
Ok, I get what you're saying, they know, but they refuse to acknowledge that there are going to be costly results of their behavior. My H, at one point, when he was attempting to get really honest, told me that of course he knew that "if"(he believed he wouldn't or could lie out of it) he got caught, it was likely that the marriage would be seriously damaged, or, more likely, that it would end divorce. Yet, at the time, he felt he was willing to accept those consequences. He only found that he wanted to avoid them after it was too late. The reality, wasn't quite the equivalent to his imagination? I get that too.
As far as the suggestion of wait time for a BS, the "experts" in "sexual addiction" suggested the minimum of a year. One has to be willing to allow a year to elapse before taking "punitive" action...ha...a wee jest. I found that by the time a year has passed, there has been much emotion passed too. Not that it is totally forgotten, but, I didn't really "feel" it quite so much. And, I'm not so sure that is a very good thing. Perhaps in the way that I wasn't quite as reactive at that point, but also perhaps not quite as authentic? It sometimes seems that way to me.
I do know what you mean about some "gains" of discovery. I have gained a lot of previously unknown education. Because I have, I am not nearly so unaware. And, though a burden, a loss, it may also be described as somewhat of a gain? I suppose any knowledge has some benefits, no matter how hard learned? And, I think I may also have some benefit in that nothing much surprises me? That is both good and bad, I suppose like most things. I think the thing that bothers me most, on a regular basis, is that the feeling of specialness, commitment, and perceived appreciation is somehow inexplicably reduced. I mean, when the bullet meets the bone, he chose to be with me right? So, there is that. But, I can't quite ever feel like I'm that special one somehow. I can't quite put a name to that feeling. More exploration into self? I'm pretty sure though, that he does know he's a very special person to me, because...I'm still here.
Don't have a lot of time at the moment, but maybe I can come back Sunday with a fuller discussion.
On the "wow" factor. Several thoughts.
There is scientific research done on how a "new' relationship can have a wow factor. It is the whole falling in love infatuation dynamic that happens to most of us when we first start seeing someone we feel a "chemistry" with. Fine when your dating, bad when you're married.
Of course because someone experiences that doesn't justify what they are doing or let them off the hook. It does explain why they arrived into the mental state of so readily rationalizing away some very dire consequences of what they are about to do that they want so bad. It is in no way rational.
I've been on Cheater' s Anonymous for a while now. Every once in a while someone will come on there who hasn't cheated yet, or are in the beginning stages but haven't "gone all the way" yet. The other long-time CSs will warn them not only of the big damage they are doing to themselves, the AP and his family if he has one, but the massive pain they will experience themselves. They relate that in a "been there, done that" way, warning them the massive pain they will experience if they do this, that it is simply not worth it.
I think out of the handful I'm aware in that situation, only one, maybe two, listened and backed away from it. Most either acknowledge it but don't feel they can stop, or believe they are the exception, they won't get caught, they can avoid it, etc. It is frustrating, but reasoning with many of them is like banging your head against all wall. It does no good except they can't say they weren't warned when it comes crashing down.
Anyway, I should note there is a difference between being an addict and experiencing an addictive behavior. An addict has succumbed to an addictive behavior enough that they find it very difficult to not do it over the long haul. Repeated enough times, it creates "ruts" in the brain that make it much harder to change course. While there are CSs who are also sexual addicts, I thing many are more akin to the following:
A person convinces themselves that smoking some crack to see what it is like is innocent enough. Once they do it, however, they realize how addictive the behavior is, because they crave more. But due to external and internal motivations, they force themselves to go through withdraw and break away from it before a true addiction sets in. For that person, setting boundaries and diligently sticking to them with accountability is enough to avoid going there again.
To me, that only explains the process. I can relate to it to some degree because I've experienced such things in my life as well. I've desired things to the point of irrationality about the consequences. I've made snap decisions that were totally stupid in retrospect and I ask myself, "What was I thinking? How stupid I was being."
It doesn't let them off the hook, however, from experiencing those consequences, anymore than telling a judge you drove drunk and had a wreck that killed a person that you are an alcoholic will get you off the hook for murder/manslaughter. It doesn't mean you have to put up with it. It doesn't mean you have to stick with them to help them through this if you don't want to. Crossing boundaries has consequences. Those consequences have to be dealt with, no matter the motivation.
So, yeah, infatuation has a wow factor, an addictive pull, but it is not real love. Also, it doesn't mean that a marriage can have continued wow factors itself. Romance goes up and down. To go up takes some investment by both spouses. Too many get lazy and take each other for granted over the years (raises hand) but it doesn't have to stay that way. Marital romance can still have the wow factor. It is just easier to get it with a new person because it feels automatic, and no investment necessary.
Saying there is a wow, however, doesn't mean the marriage pales. Nor does it justify the CS submitting to it. The flash-in-the-pan wow of an affair doesn't have the love of a long term relationship. It pales in comparison to the history of what you've been through together. It all depends upon one's perspective.
To me, this all tells me that the CS is the one with a problem, not the BS. The fact they were tempted, however strongly, and gave into it only points to their lack of inner strength and self-esteem that promotes a healthy relationship.
I wish I could write more, but I've already gone on too long. Got to get ready for a weekend getaway to my brother's house, or I'll be the one in trouble with my wife. ;) Will come back to this, and I hope I didn't cause you to throw your computer/tablet/phone against the wall. That could be expensive.
That would be a subject worth of a full article, and I'm out of time. I can point you to the Healing Steps for the Unfaithful Spouse which addresses that indirectly:
http://healinginfidelity.blogspot.com/2014/07/healing-steps-for-unfaithful-spouse.html
But I'll keep that in mind for a future blog article. A lot could be said about that.
I want to say that in the wake immediately after discovery, none of this will mean much. That is to say, it's all still truth, but I think most people need a little time (hours, days, sometimes even weeks or months) to let the dust settle before they can diligently work through those steps.
It was SO hard for me to know/understand which parts to own. Do I own his affair? Was it because I wasn't "enough"? Was it because I was a bad wife? Do I take responsibility for my poor choices and behaviors that had encouraged deterioration of our marriage? If I do, does that then mean the affair was my fault? (and on and on...)
It took a LOT of soul searching, fumbling, bumbling and honestly, without the community of folks who were also recovering and rebuilding, I could NOT have managed. I will say that without BOTH of us investing 100% and BOTH of us working toward bettering ourselves and our marriage, we wouldn't have made it these last 43 months.
Thanks so much for posting this.
I think this is the only other issue I needed to address.
There are several reasons to work on yourself once a BS is out of the emotional ICU from dday, keeping in mind that the CS should be working on their issues if the marriage is to survive so none of this supports the BS doing all the work, or even the bulk of it for rebuilding.
1. The BS does it for their own self-improvement. Even if the marriage dies, the BS will be able to use these lessons in future relationships.
2. Strengthening the marriage gives rebuilding a better chance of working. Team work, support, and love provide more motivation for both of you to endure the hardships of rebuilding.
3. As a BS, knowing the CS has a lot of work to do (the ball is in their court), I wanted to make sure I didn't do anything to complicate her progress anymore than it would already be. Not to enable bad behavior, but encourage success.
4. When you rebuild, the truth is your marriage needs to be better than it was before dday to feel the effort was worth it. If you get to three to five years out and feel your relationship is the same or less than before dday, you're not likely to be happy with the outcome.
In essence, marriage problems did not cause the cheating, but addressing them is part of a rebuilding from infidelity. This is because infidelity affects the quality of the marriage. If that is not addressed, the chances for a successful rebuild go downhill drastically.
My motivation is I felt we had one good chance to rebuild. I didn't want to get to the end of that to divorce and not feel I hadn't done all I could or should have done. If we divorced, it was going to be because she didn't address her issues effectively, not because I didn't work on myself.
On the year wait, yeah, I can see emotions having cooled down by then. Oddly enough, I know a lot of rebuildings fall apart at that point. I think because a lot of people go into this thinking that after a year, it should be better, they should be over it. When they are not, they give up. Also, if a person is progressing through the stages of grief, many are in the middle of depression at one year, plus going through the drama of the first anniversary of dday. Depression and stress can peak around that time, especially if there has been little progress with the CS.
But I hadn't heard a year wait was suggested dealing with sexual addictions. Makes a little sense, I guess, as that takes more work and time to evaluate whether it will be successful or not.
All that said, I would never fault a person who decided on dday to get a divorce. Some marriages were pretty much dead before dday. If it was already on life-support, discovering cheating pulls the plug. That is something each person has to evaluate.
Even then, it could easily take 3 months to prepare for divorce, so there is rarely a reason not to wait that long before telling the lawyer to go ahead and serve the papers. If you still feel it is the best thing by then, then it probably is.
As is often said, if you have to ask if you are done, you probably aren't. Despite that, some BSs don't cut their losses when they should, stick their head in the sand, and enable the CS to not address their problems. A recipe for disaster.
I'm pretty sure that because I have such "extensive experience" ha...my perspective is a bit lopsided. However, I do think that if a BS does do some of these things, they are even better folks than they were before, and how could that be bad? I've learned a lot of things from the multitude of my life experiences. Some of them, though costly, are very valuable to me.
I think that a spouse who tends to be thoughtful, caring, forgiving, and has a keen desire to do right, it's a learning path that could only lead to being even stronger. I think I'm likely a bit cautious about this though, because of my experiences.
That line between infidelity and sexual addiction seems a very fine one indeed, especially to me. And, the costs increase over time. Those who walk that path of infidelity, who do not address the issues as to why they continue to walk it, only progress into more and more and more "fog" if it can be described as that. I suppose it's the fog of a battered conscience? I suspect that at first their inner voice of conscience is giving them a heads up. But, when they silence it and continue on to do what they already know is wrong, it becomes less and less audible? And, there is the danger the spouse becomes susceptible to. That one really spooks me on so many levels. The silenced conscience of the CS may directly endanger the emotional health, physical health, financial stability, and even the life of the spouse. That's one heck of a fog!