Infidelity Support Group

Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after the transgression.

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He ruined our future...

Earlier this year I found out my husband cheated on me and gave me chlamydia shortly after giving birth to our first child. I never suspected anything, not even that I had an infection. The whole thing felt like my world had shattered. I only found out by going to the doctor thinking my body was still wacky due to post-partum healing. I had a routine appointment with a standard lab order. Week and a half later I get a call from the doctor's office. Literally having a hallmark family moment, laughing and feeding the baby with my husband, when they informed me over the phone that I was positive for Chlamydia. Everything was blurry, my heart was racing, and I could feel my stomach in my throat. I will never forget that day; the week before my first ever Mother's Day at that.


It's been 5 months since that day and it's been an emotional roller coaster. Due to complicated circumstances we are unfortunately cohabiting while separated. He sleeps in the guest room and keeps to his separate living area while we continue to parent as normal as possible. Opposing work schedules makes things better, so the weekends are the most uncomfortable for the most part. Due to the cohabiting we sometimes fall back into old routine, like grocery shopping, cooking large portions, but nothing romantic. This also results in many arguments. 


He repeats that he wants to try to redeem the marriage, but I have made up my mind about filing for divorce and have told him so over and over. For months he has made it difficult to schedule notary appointments needed so I can actually begin the filing process. I had been extremely stressed with college courses and changes at work so he took advantage of my exhaustion. 


I have my mother for long distance emotional support, but that's been about it. His family has "been there for him" through all of this which makes me feel even more isoloated because they seem to be more about supporting him no matter what because he is family, yet not totally holding him accountable for ruining our family.  


How do I keep my sanity through this? Has anyone been through a similar situation? Advice for the impending divorce? I don't really know what to ask specifically. I just feel lost and hurt. I just found this site and I'm hoping the community here can help me navigate this sea of emotions.



Thank you for reading my long post. 

Replies

betrayedtodeath
betrayedtodeath

I'm so very sorry this has happened to you! It's awful for all of us, but I can't imagine the shock as a new mother finding out due to an STD that your husband was cheating on you. Horrific! He is deliberately stalling you at every turn with regard to filing papers and proceeding with the divorce. Its a typical cheater move. He would like to have his cake and eat it too. Its that simple: all they think of is themselves. Make copies of all financial information. Cheaters often lie about money as well as cheating. Good for you for staying strong and knowing your worth. Wishing you the best.
shisnomore
shisnomore

After you got the call from your doctor did your husband come clean and tell you about the affair? If so, do you think he confessed to everything?

I completely understand the frustration you feel with his family. My husband's family is doing the same even though he left me and our daughter for his other woman. They know he cheated and left me for her and they are saying I am making things difficult because I got a lawyer to properly type up the division of assets and I want to file for child support. They think the amount the state determined is too much for him. So he is more important than making sure their grand daughter is taken care of. It makes me so angry. He is a grown adult who made all of these choices, my daughter is 1.5 she is the innocent party and they should have her best interest in mind right now. Instead they are trying to make it easier to have his new life with the other woman. And I have to deal with them all the time because of my daughter. It's just sad and lonely. And you feel disrespected. I have to try to feel deep down they know who is at fault for this marriage ending but blood is thicker than water and they will stick by him no matter what.

I would suggest thinking about what assets you would like so you are prepared with that information when you start the process. And think about custody as well.
refurb
refurb

he is not a parent
"daddies don't mommies STDs and vice versa"
selfish fucks that procreate share STDs
betrayedtodeath
betrayedtodeath

And this is in no way to minimize Shattered's experience, but...this is precisely why I tell each and every newbie to get tested for STDs even if it was *only* and emotional affair or *just* porn etc. Because CHEATERS ALL LIE. That is the one thing you can count on in this terrible game they play.
Shattered_Glass
Shattered_Glass

@Betrayedtodeath yes, they lie so much and it's frustrating. He lied constantly and ridiculously. They weren't even good lies. With how much everything had changed, I don't see how he hid his deceit so well. They did have me so a second lab for more extensive STD screening. I felt so pitiful. And the staff knew why because they were the same staff through my check ups. I could feel their pity.
Shattered_Glass
Shattered_Glass

@Shisnomore it's even more heartbreaking to know that so many are experiencing the same thing. And you're right, I couldn't figure out the emotion his family was making me feel and it is disrespected. In my case they seem to not want to talk to me, but in a way like they want nothing to do with me. He took our LO to meet more of his family this week and they Completely awkwardly avoid speaking to me when I facetime the LO. Like, I know he's their blood, but he flipped my life upside down and they can't even muster a descent hi?!
Shattered_Glass
Shattered_Glass

@refurb I went through so many emotions. It's sad to have to say, but I'm glad it was only chlamydia. I'm a nursing mom too.....I was so angry. I'm still angry. It's crazy how fast love can turn to hate.
heartache5
heartache5

So sorry what ur going through. And an STD what a horrible way to find out. Thank God u found out though chlamydia can ruin ur future fertility. Has he come clean since or does he still lie cover up and try to put the blame on you?
I'm proud of you ur so strong. Good on you you sure don't need him ur strong!
I found out when my little one was 1 year old it's so tough. And the fact they don't use protection is just sickening. I found him risking my health even worse than the act of cheating itself.
I'm trying to work things out he's very renorsefull. But if he had given me an STD that would have probably been the limit.
I understand ur frustration with his family. You have to let it go though if you can. It's not that they don't like or support ur pain but it's their son. They likely have given him shit for cheating but it's still their son. I know how hard that is. My CS sister support him as a brother but also told me how mad she was at him for doing this to me.
However when I asked him to tell his mom, who I get along with very well she was sad to hear it but has since never reached out to me to show any form of support. It made me mad but I have to accept it I know she loves me and we will be fine but yes it would have felt nice to feel some support from her. But he's her son she loves him regardless of his mistakes and so does ur CS family as hard as it is to realize. So sorry for having to go through this with a 5 month old. You deserve much better. Hugs feel free to pm if you need to chat
refurb
refurb

what you see now is that he loves only his impulses & and desires
he doesn't even love his child enough to not put his child's mothers health at risk
your hate will fade
your horror at what he is won't

get a lawyer, get yourself counseling, take all the steps to pull yourself together
your family is you child and you
if your in-laws haven-t reached out to you by now, they won't and that means he is where he came from...as is a "family" of shitbirds, get full custody & move
forwardmotion
forwardmotion

It seems that cheaters rarely use protection. A rational person would think that if they were to cheat they would use condoms to protect themselves and also reduce the risk of pregnancy.

However, cheaters are emotional over logic and you could reason the same thing for them having a fling which will ruin someone else's life and their marriage/family and self respect.

It actually makes sense that a cheater wouldn't wear protection or think about consequences. A sociopathic type cheater may actually be more calculated and cover their tracks better than a emotional type person.

***
You need to tell your STBX husband that the notary public way is the cheapest way for you guys to get a divorce. If he keeps dawdling you can tell him that this divorce is happening one way or another. Lawyers will cost a lot more and the divorce will still happen.
Shattered_Glass
Shattered_Glass

@Heartache5 that makes sense of the CS's family point of view. Hopefully we can have a better relationship in the future since they will always be a part of LO's life. But I hope they make an effort. I refuse to go out of my way to rebuild the relationship bridge. If they want to have frequent contact they should have the decency to speak to me. No matter how they're feeling or how conflicted they are, it's still disrespectful.
Shattered_Glass
Shattered_Glass

@forwardmotion you would think that they would have that type of sense smh! And I was even more angry when I brought that up and he stated that she got a pregnancy test and that she's not pregnant. The fact that he created this situation is mind blowing. And I told him he better hope she's telling the truth, because more child support for him to pay out and we won't be a part of no blended family foolishness with them.
Shattered_Glass
Shattered_Glass

@refurb I definitely won't be going out of my way to have them in our life. But if they can't respect me enough to acknowledge me then they would have to see LO during my STBX husband's time.
forwardmotion
forwardmotion

Poverty and many of the difficulties people in society face are due to having to grow up in a single parent family.

Your STBX is to blame for this and I hope he pays his fair share to help you raise your child. It's selfish and irresponsible people like him who help society spiral down the drain.
guachita
guachita

I believed reconciliation was possible as soon as infidelity touched my door, the first time, I thought it was just a shortcoming, I really thought my 13 year marriage could be saved. He appeared to be a good dad and the kids adored him. All this while he was not even showing remorse and he insisted "it was just a friendship" (a very good friend apparently, she would ask him what purse to buy, "the white or the black channel?") (now I see where our savings went).
But there was another time, different woman, (second in 5 months) this time, he admitted to sex). I got tested for STDS, thank god nothing was there, but he called twice to ask me for the results. SOB, SOB!!!
I went to see a therapist read all the books possible, and I still believed my marriage could be saved (crazy right?), yeah, my denial was abysmal...
I still think the reconciliation is possible, but it really takes a drastic change from the cheater that is 99.9999% impossible. As long as they justify it, blame you, etc IT IS OVER.
It took me almost 10 months to realize that my marriage was over... I'm filling for divorce now. I can wait to present him with the papers. I don't need any notaries, I just did it, I'm presenting him with an agreement next week. He doe snot even have to show up in court.
The best for you and your baby. Hopefully there is a real man out there that can be a better male figure for that child.
About the in-laws always remember, blood is thicker that water.... we will be second for them, and also remember, they have his side story.... somehow no matter how wrong they did us, we are automatically bitches and we drew them to infidelity. I'm doing my best to raise 2 boys capable of taking their own mistakes and fix them. Also I'm raising kids with no tolerance to cheating. IT IS POSSIBLE!!!
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