Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
My husband cheated on me with a female "friend" that we invited into our home. She moved out 3 weeks ago (She lived with us for 6 months) and he didnt confess to the affair until he called to make sure that she made it to her hotel safely! He told me he LOVES her and that for the last 2 months they'd been in a "physical" relationship. His words verbatim were: "I love her but I don't want to be with her, I'm IN love with you. She's my soul mate but you are the love of my life." He's doing everything right in being patient, cooperative, and remorseful but... how can he love us both?
PLEASE, PLEASE, someone help me. I'm surprised to say that the "physical" part of their relationship is almost, almost, irrelevant to me. Its the emotional aspect of this that rips my heart out. They are best friends, "Soul mates" even and he loves her! He says he could talk to her about anything and that he's told her things he's never told anyone, including me. AND he defends her to no end.. I can smack him yell at him insult him and he takes it, but the moment I say anything insulting about her he's ready to go to war for her! WTH? Is this normal? Why does he give a damn about her feelings! He should be concerned with mine. He even cries sometimes because he misses her and he worries about her constantly because he's afraid she's lonely. How can he be "in love" with ME and still be so obsessed with HER? Is he in love with her and staying with me out of pity or obligation? He's so bold about his LOVE for her I HATE it. He says he loves me more and that there is no comparison but its hard to believe because of I feel that at any given moment he's thinking of her. What does this mean?
Oh, AND, since they were best friends they do have kept in touch since DDay, I allow my H to do so because they were very close, and they talk or text nearly everyday. Is that ok??
Anyone who has read this far, please, your advice and/or opinion will save me from myself. I dare not confide in my family and friends just yet.
PLEASE, PLEASE, someone help me. I'm surprised to say that the "physical" part of their relationship is almost, almost, irrelevant to me. Its the emotional aspect of this that rips my heart out. They are best friends, "Soul mates" even and he loves her! He says he could talk to her about anything and that he's told her things he's never told anyone, including me. AND he defends her to no end.. I can smack him yell at him insult him and he takes it, but the moment I say anything insulting about her he's ready to go to war for her! WTH? Is this normal? Why does he give a damn about her feelings! He should be concerned with mine. He even cries sometimes because he misses her and he worries about her constantly because he's afraid she's lonely. How can he be "in love" with ME and still be so obsessed with HER? Is he in love with her and staying with me out of pity or obligation? He's so bold about his LOVE for her I HATE it. He says he loves me more and that there is no comparison but its hard to believe because of I feel that at any given moment he's thinking of her. What does this mean?
Oh, AND, since they were best friends they do have kept in touch since DDay, I allow my H to do so because they were very close, and they talk or text nearly everyday. Is that ok??
Anyone who has read this far, please, your advice and/or opinion will save me from myself. I dare not confide in my family and friends just yet.
Great Advice.
It means you let him continue to make the decisions in YOUR life or you start making them for YOURSELF.
My h told me he loved the ow-but not as much as he loved me-WTF?
If you want to save your marriage and he wants to save his marriage-NO CONTACT-PERIOD. Nothing less-then it won't work.
It took four months for the NO CONTACT in my case to finally kick in-it won't be easy-but it is the only way.
Never make someone the priority, when they make you the option. And he's made you the option. Stop the madness-take your life back-start calling the shots here.
Sending you support!
This is not how a normal man in a normal relationship behaves. As Rositas said in one of her post that I actually wrote in my calendar and read often: "You are either in a relationship or you aren't." Don't let him play games with your head. I believe from experience that if it happened this time; it will happen again.
My heart goes out to you.
Betrayed Spouses Bill of Rights
1- You have a right to the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. By having an affair, your spouse has closed off the relationship with you and opened one with the OP (other person). You have a right to insist this is reversed for your healing and to assure that loyalties have been realigned.
2- You have the right to trust- but verify. Trust has been broken, snooping is not snooping. It is verifying that someone proven to be a liar, sneak and cheat has changed their ways. Like an addict, a WS(wayward spouse) will often go back to their emotional fix. You have a right to verify this is not happening.
3- You have the right to insist there are only two people in the marriage. That choice was made when you made vows to each other. Even a moment with a third person is too much. You owe your WS no time to think about it. Theres a marriage or theres none.
4- You have a right to know who the OP is, the flip of this is you do not have a right to harm or harass this person. Hold yourself to a better standard than the OP did.
5- You have the right to choose to give the gift of reconciliation or to divorce. You have the right to take some time to make that choice. If you one day realize you cannot live with the truth of what has been done, you have the right to walk away.
6- You have the right to insist your WS gets STD testing done and to see the results. Even if the WS claims it has not gotten physical, as many WSs will admit to only a kiss when it has gone much further.
7- You have the right to insist that your WS initiates and honors NC (no contact) immediately. You have a right to have input and to be a witness to how NC is established.
8- You have a right to set and enforce boundaries. This is not blackmail or any of the other negative words your WS might use. This you protecting yourself.
9- You have a right to hold onto evidence for as long as you need it to feel safe. Your WS has created an atmosphere of risk and danger. It is natural to have a safety net to counteract what has been brought into your marriage.
10- You have a right to know who your WSs friends are and the nature of their interactions. If it is kept a secret, it is not healthy for the marriage and therefore something is amiss.
11- You have the right to out the affair to anyone you deem will help you and/or your marriage. This is not your secret to keep, this is not your shame to hold. You owe no protection to those that failed to protect you.
12- You have a right to heal on your timeline. As long as you are making steady progress, you are healing. It is a slow process and a WS that says things along the lines of, Youll never get over this! does not have a full grasp of the damage betrayal causes. This is a healing process that takes from 18 months to five years.
13- You have a right to yell, cry, fall apart and otherwise handle this in any way that relieves some of the devastating pain, shock and loss of trust. Your world has been turned on its end. You do not have the right to physically, verbally or otherwise abuse your spouse.
14- You have the right to insist on a true marriage. A marriage of partners, where you love, honor and protect each other. If you feel your marriage is missing one of these components, either fixing it or leaving are your only two options. You dont have the right to cheat and/or turn someone else into a betrayed spouse.
15- You have a right to love yourself. Often the betrayed have forgotten themselves as an individual. This is the optimum time to remind yourself that you are unique and lovable in your own right. That as much as you might love your spouse, you should love yourself enough to refuse any sort of mistreatment.