Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
My husband cheated on me with a female "friend" that we invited into our home. She moved out 3 weeks ago (She lived with us for 6 months) and he didnt confess to the affair until he called to make sure that she made it to her hotel safely! He told me he LOVES her and that for the last 2 months they'd been in a "physical" relationship. His words verbatim were: "I love her but I don't want to be with her, I'm IN love with you. She's my soul mate but you are the love of my life." He's doing everything right in being patient, cooperative, and remorseful but... how can he love us both?
PLEASE, PLEASE, someone help me. I'm surprised to say that the "physical" part of their relationship is almost, almost, irrelevant to me. Its the emotional aspect of this that rips my heart out. They are best friends, "Soul mates" even and he loves her! He says he could talk to her about anything and that he's told her things he's never told anyone, including me. AND he defends her to no end.. I can smack him yell at him insult him and he takes it, but the moment I say anything insulting about her he's ready to go to war for her! WTH? Is this normal? Why does he give a damn about her feelings! He should be concerned with mine. He even cries sometimes because he misses her and he worries about her constantly because he's afraid she's lonely. How can he be "in love" with ME and still be so obsessed with HER? Is he in love with her and staying with me out of pity or obligation? He's so bold about his LOVE for her I HATE it. He says he loves me more and that there is no comparison but its hard to believe because of I feel that at any given moment he's thinking of her. What does this mean?
Oh, AND, since they were best friends they do have kept in touch since DDay, I allow my H to do so because they were very close, and they talk or text nearly everyday. Is that ok??
Anyone who has read this far, please, your advice and/or opinion will save me from myself. I dare not confide in my family and friends just yet.
PLEASE, PLEASE, someone help me. I'm surprised to say that the "physical" part of their relationship is almost, almost, irrelevant to me. Its the emotional aspect of this that rips my heart out. They are best friends, "Soul mates" even and he loves her! He says he could talk to her about anything and that he's told her things he's never told anyone, including me. AND he defends her to no end.. I can smack him yell at him insult him and he takes it, but the moment I say anything insulting about her he's ready to go to war for her! WTH? Is this normal? Why does he give a damn about her feelings! He should be concerned with mine. He even cries sometimes because he misses her and he worries about her constantly because he's afraid she's lonely. How can he be "in love" with ME and still be so obsessed with HER? Is he in love with her and staying with me out of pity or obligation? He's so bold about his LOVE for her I HATE it. He says he loves me more and that there is no comparison but its hard to believe because of I feel that at any given moment he's thinking of her. What does this mean?
Oh, AND, since they were best friends they do have kept in touch since DDay, I allow my H to do so because they were very close, and they talk or text nearly everyday. Is that ok??
Anyone who has read this far, please, your advice and/or opinion will save me from myself. I dare not confide in my family and friends just yet.
Lady, I was determined not to post here anymore but your post has broken my heart.
First up stop what you are doing. I know it will be hard to do but please stop beating yourself up. This is not your fault - none of it.
It sounds to me like your husband is infatuated with this whore but he still wants the safety and security of you. In other words he wants his cake and to eat it too - He is a maggot.
Either he wants to be with you or he wants to be with her. It really is that simple. I am assuming here that you don't want to share him with this trollop.
As for the texting and various other shit - he needs to stop it now. No ifs no buts and it is not negotiable. There needs to be no contact between him and his tart, period. So no, it is NOT OK. If he is not prepared to do this for you then he is not a man and is unworthy of you.
Personally, I think the slimey little maggot needs a swift kick in the nuts.
Hugs and support to you love,
Mick
My ex told me he loved her and wanted to be with her. He wanted a divorce. Then a day later, told me that I was the love of his life and he wanted to make it work. He broke it off with her 2 days after that. He said he wanted to keep us togethe and he loved me. After 1 year of living in Hell with his "trying to make it work", I filed for divorce and left with our kids.
You need to get his attention. He MUST stop the texting/calls to her and commit to you if you have any hope of making it through this as a couple. However, he has to give 200% and then some to repair what he is done.
As for the defending her...yeah it can be normal. Sad truth. However, if he wants it to work with you...he has to stop that. I hate that you are having to go through this.
Keep your head up and don't allow them to make you feel you carry any blame in this. You DON'T!!! He did this for his own selfishness.
~S~
~S~
If he loves her - then let him go and live with her. No question. He loves you more??? Then he stops ALL contact with her. By accepting this you are telling him that he can do whatever he wants, whenever he wants, with whomever he wants - and its just fine and dandy with you. fuck that - he's out. Game over. You need to get to the angry stage.......because this is just not ok.
I told my H he could contact her because I know he cares for her. They were best friends, truly soul mates, before the A had ever begun. They're childhoods were deeply troubled and eerily similar. They developed the exact same coping mechanisms and key personality traits so they relate enviously well. I won't deny the inadequacy Ive felt having my H share such a strong bond with another woman, but I couldnt, and cant, find it in myself to deny them their friendship. They are both VERY remorseful and I believe they are good ppl who made a BIG mistake. Am I naive in this? Its so confusing.
What kills me is that he cares for her at all.If he didnt care about the damn friendship, then I wouldnt have to either. I want him to hate her. I want him not to miss her, not to check up on her, not to give a damn about the friendship and be content with just me. But he LOVES her, as I said. So Im here, still trying to make sense of this.
I just couldn't, wouldn't be able to live him pining for her the way he is, HAVE some pride. Its soo humiliating. Cake & eat it springs to mind.
My h also fell in love with ow, although he now denies that he did, I just could not got over that fact, it was me he was supposed to love forever and he broke that . We are now separated. Just can't deal with the fact he had emotional bond, caring, sharing, intimacy, sex all the stuff that should have been for me and me only.
It shows a big lack of committment to you and it's emotionally cruel, he's not even hiding the fact that he misses her and he cries for her WTF, he hasn't even the decency to do that to spare your feelings.
Good luck.
You say you ALLOW this. However, I think you ALLOW this because you feel if you put your foot down he will either leave or he will do it behind your back. Simple. If this is the case, what exactly are you holding on to? You are trying to spin this so it comes out ok. When there is no way to do that.
Rule #1 in recovering from an affair, the cheating spouse is to have NO CONTACT with the OW...NONE! As long as this is happening your are still in the middle of the A. The only difference between before and now, is you are aware of it.
Good luck. Please come here for all you need and I am soo sorry you are having to go through this. I hope it gets better for you soon!
By allowing him to keep contact with her, you are allowing this to continue. If he feels as deeply for her as he says he does, then he will continue to, regardless. Pleae have some self-respect here; you love him, but is he worth fighting for? Then what? You become the W he keeps cheating on, or the W he blames for "ruining his friendship"? He has established an emotional bond with her that he should have with you, regardless of his childhood, past, etc.
You need to look out for yourself. Once you process this, you will have to work through trusting him, etc...it's not an overnight thing, Lady, it takes time. Right now, you seem very concerned about his feelings...and not so much about yours. Somebody needs to put YOU number one, and clearly he isn't. The word "wife" doesn't imply two people doing the same job...there's only ONE wife here, and he needs to stop acting like he has two.
You ask - "am I naive". Hell yes! And no, he is NOT doing everything right. He's manipulating this to no end, telling you one little thing , ie, "I love YOU more", but giving her so much power in your relationship.
This woman will continue to be in your life forever - until she pushes you completely out of his, then where will you be? You'll be that kind, lonely doormat those two 'very good people' wiped their feet on til they wore a hole in it and threw it out.
So they were great friends who went to far, and now they're very remorseful & doing everything right? Wrong! They crossed a line, violated your marriage. And now they're blurring the lines so badly you can't even see where they're being crossed again. The only right thing is to end their relationship.
I'm SO sorry, I know I'm being blunt and perhaps overly judgemental, but of all the scenarios I've read here, I think this one takes the cake. You MUST take care of YOU first, and allowing the OW in your life, allowing your H to continue a close, open relationship with her, is simply not what's best for you. If he truly loves you, he'll choose you, period.
You have all the hugs, support and prayers I can send to help you through this difficult and incredibly confusing time. Be strong!
In my mind I see a couple of very important questions that have to be answered in your heart.
1. For the rest of your marriage are you willing to share your husband's most intimate thoughts, feelings, emotional love, and physical love, with another woman?
2. Will you be happy being third or lower in your husband's heart?
He is first in his own heart (almost all of us really are). Through his words and his defense of her, she is very obviously second in his heart. "Soul Mate" is significantly more important than what he feels for you. At best you are a lowly third in his heart.
If you are willing to accept these things, then maybe you will be able to continue in this group marriage you have and be happy.
If you are not willing to accept these, then she is a cancer that will eat at the core of your relationship and marriage. You will either have to get your husband to realize that he needs to cut her out of your lives like the cancer that she is ... or you will have to divorce him.
I have just one other thing for you to consider since you didn't share the details of how she came to live with you. Since they were "best friends, truly soul mates" before she moved into your house, it is almost certain that either one or both of them had already wanted or planned on turning their relationship into an emotional and physical affair. They are remorseful now ... but at least one of them planned for what happened.
You were betrayed before she ever walked in the door.
We realize they arent leaving us. They are telling us that it is us they love more than anyone else. And for that little bit of comfort, we are willing to take on anything they throw at us. I think it is Gods way of allowing us to handle all the details we must absorb now. It is how we are able to ask those questions that are so hard and get the answers that would make us lose the food we ate that day if we were not in a state of euphoria. The relief that the world isnt going to open us up and swallow us whole at that moment as well as take the person we love and have them walk out the door with another woman is what lets us do this. Which is why I think you are allowing this all to take place.
What is about to happen to you mentally though is something you need to prepare for. You see in the next few days to a couple of weeks (it varies from person to person) this state of euphoria will wear off and you will see this all much clearer. You will then feel the anger again. It wont be the intense rage you felt on Dday. But it will be severe and it will be couple with a roller coaster of other emotions that are not the least but fun.
This will normally happen once you settle back into your routine again. What you are okay with today will NOT be the case as it wouldnt be for anyone that was thinking rationally. When this time hits you hon, AND IT WILL.... please feel free to come back here for the support you will need. We have all been where you are. We have all felt what you are feeling and we understand it. You will need all the support you can take. I also have a program that will help you and your spouse but first you guys will have to come back to the real world. Your h will not know what hit him in the next few days when he sees that his sweet passive wife that was just happy to hold on to his wonderful self is no longer so passive! I am not sure how "cooperative" he will be then.
Just remember we are here... I am putting the link to the post I referred to that describes the stages of healing I mentioned above.
Good luck and let us know if you need us!
http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/rebuilding-marriage-after-infidelity/discussions/messages/11137288
In this type of relationship, there are three roles -- victim, aggressor and protector. When you attack her, then he will instantly defend her. And if she attacked you, he would defend you. The key is to make it look like you are the victim so that he stays on your side and separates from her. You don't have to be in reality, but he needs to think so.
Why did he tell you about the affair?
http://www.sosuave.com/articles/infatuation.htm
He needs to stop having contact with her or it will just keep going and he will keep throwing you aside for her. Ending contact is the only way to stem the flow of hormones and end the craziness. They cannot remain friends because they are not "just friends". There is a strong physical attraction there and that urge to take it further will always be there. In fact they probably are taking it further when they are together and they are just telling you that they aren't. That is what happened with my H. I heard over and over that they were "just friends" and nothing physical was happening until I caught them and he came clean and confessed that there had been an emotional and physical relationship going on all along. The sex also contributes to the infatuation and will keep it going because hormones are released during sex as well.
If he loves you he will stop it and start focusing on you and how this hurt you. He will put your feelings first and show you that you matter. He needs to realize that he has changed your marriage forever. He needs to stop this nonsense and show the woman he claims is his true love how much she means to him and stop putting the other woman first and causing you to feel insecure and inadequate, and doubt his love for you.