Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
I'm freaking out a bit right now. I had a session with my therapist tonight and we were talking about cyber affairs and why they happen and such. I've also done some reading on the subject and now I have this in my head: If I didn't look at his phone and find out about this woman, maybe we'd still be together.
I told my therapist that he wasn't actually physically invovled with this woman, it appeared to be purely an online fantasy thing. And she said that a lot of the cyber things are just that--fantasy. So maybe it didn't mean anything to him, and maybe if I never saw that message I wouldn't have been angry and hurt, and we wouldn;t have been fighting all the time. This happened toward the beginning of this thing with this woman--maybe it escalated with her because I was so freaked out about it. Maybe I ruined us. We were good together before this happened, and after that I just couldn't let it go. He told me it didn;t mean anything, and maybe at that point it didn't. But I was so hurt and angry about it. He kept telling me I needed to "stop this"--maybe I should have listened. Maybe I should have gone into therapy long before -- I had thought about it. Maybe WE should have gone into therapy. Maybe this could have been saved!
I am sitting here totally flipped out right now, and thinking of emailing him that I want to talk. At the same time I'm scared to death that if I did that he wouldn't respond. I've got myself thinking this is MY fault, and I'm sure some saner head out there can speak to that more rationally right now. I just want to talk to him so badly right now and I can't let myself contact him. Help
There are so many of us here that the A started out as texting/ on line/ social media flirting until someone suggests “let’s get coffee”. It then leads to them being irritated with the spouse for nothing, which makes the AP seem so amazing, great listener, never asking for anything in return. The AP keeps building up their eggo.
The perfect fantasy.. not bitching or complaining, willing to listen, is SO INTERESTED in every aspect of their lives.. even gives suggestion how to make the marriage better... making comments “well if you were my man you would never go a Day without sex” ...
if you want to fix or work on your marriage.. do that. DO NOT TAKE THE BLAME FOR ANY OF THIS MESS!
I know this sounds harsh. I know you hurt. But this was your H's choice. You did nothing to make him cheat. He was not a good husband. Put the blame where it belongs - with him.
We accept the love we think we deserve..you have to realize in your own time that you deserve a better love. You shouldnt have to convince someone you love to be with you, if he cant see it he doesn’t deserve you
They all say I don't know why, or it just happened or whatever lame excuse. Its because they don't care to examine what is lacking within them that would cause them to do such a hurtful and disrespect thing to their spouse. They simply don't care about anyone but themselves.
The "only" online excuse is a really really paper thin one. I wish your therapist understood this. So few limit themselves to "only" online activities. Even so, that breach of trust, the lying and sneaking around about it...that is not relationship material.
Its like asking you to invest your future with the likes of Bernie Madoff and then being told well, he "only" took $1000...he could have taken $10,000 but he didn't. Does that make him a stand up guy? Are shades of cheating acceptable? Does it have to be full physical contact to be a deal breaker?
Only you can determine what is/is not acceptable to you in a relationship. People do not change unless or until they want to. You can't do it for them or make them do self-work they do not wish to do. You did not cause him to do whatever he did online. You need to realize that these people do not love the same way you do. They don't have the same morals and boundaries that you do. Their love is not reciprocal. Everything is a 1 way street for them, with them being on the receiving end of it all. Do not start pick-me-dancing to "win" him back. You will be mightily disappointed.
First of all the only reason you "want" to feel responsible because it gives you some semblance of control over the situation.
You tell yourself if you did A or didn't do B then your marriage would be perfect and thriving.
I know you fear not having control over your relationship but the essence of every relationship is two people making choices that help the relationship thrive.
You only control your choices and not his. You can't make him love you or be faithful to you.
You worry that he doesn't love you anymore. The fact is that he never loved you, but don't take this as a personal slight. The truth is that he isn't capable of loving anyone to the degree that you'd expect in a relationship.
He is capable of love in the sense of possessing something that will benefit him. He loves his new car for how he feels when driving just as he loves how cheesecakes satisfies his cravings.
The problem is that he can't love people beyond being objects that he objectifies. People only hold value to him as in far as they provide something for him and are useful.
Cars that have lost their shine soon end up in the scrap heap, just as do the people in his life.
Don't crave water from a rock and give him a chance to snake his way back in. You don't want the "love" of a person like that. He is a user and a loser.