Well, my h and I have reconciled, but I have to say, it has brought us so much closer and more aware of each other's needs and wants. It has changed me so much that I don't even know where to begin. I will never have such a blind trust in anything ever again! Even when I had clues in front of my face, I just wouldn't allow myself to believe he would do such a thing. Boy was I naive. However, I do feel more love from him than ever and appreciation. I too appreciate more out of life and I don't sweat the small stuff anymore.

Broken:
If the A wouldn't have happened, we would have been living the same way we had been. Living separate lives under the same roof. We were forced us to choose between leaving or sticking things out and fixing them. We could have left, but we had to look at what caused us to drift away and resent each other. We had to decide if our family was worth keeping together We deserved a second chance to make things right, make our family stronger and have a better relationship with our kids.

We talked about everything that caused problems and keeping talking and communicating has been key. Learning to listen to each other, be sensitive and compromise is always ongoing. I think in some aspects, our marriage is better now than it ever was.

I cheated in 2008 and had a son from the A. Surprisingly, the child was never the issue, it was always about making the connection between H and W the priority and respecting each other.

That's a stretch. I've read about that but it hasn't been my experience.

My wife had an affair in 2008.

It's been a long hard road but yeah, in some ways I guess we're better off than before. In terms of communication and focus on our relationship.

But the damage that has been done is huge and always feels like its right there, just below the surface, waiting to jump up and bite us on the ass.

And frankly I'm burning out living this way.

My wife would probably tell you that things are better than ever between us now. We talk, we spend lots of quality time together, we're romantic, we enjoy a very active and passionate sex life.

But we had all those things before too, just slightly diminished from many years of married life. Maybe we both just took some things for granted.

But from my perspective things are not quite so good. I'm the one struggling day and night with underlying feelings of resentment, betrayal, anger, disgust, disbelief, and jealousy. I keep that all to myself as best I can but it's like poison in my veins.

The worst part of this is that should a better situation present itself now I might be open to it; whereas in the past I wouldn't have even considered it.

That's the awful reality of the damage that has been done to our marriage.

Elmo:
I have to say, from my H's point of view, he may feel more like you. I keep forgetting that his spin is different from mine.

I like to believe I have "come back from infidelity" but there are some days it feels like it did the day I found out. First, I will distinguish between my view of my marriage and my self-esteem. As far as my marriage, we are together and in MC, but I don't see any positive changes in our relationship. If anything, there is LESS communication than before. As far as my self-esteem, I have never felt lower. I feel worthless as a wife and mother. I have lost friendships and withdrawn from social events. One personal positive is that I have been able to help friends who are dealing with the trauma of infidelity. It is an unfortunate expertise to have, yet I do feel that I can help others.. Now, I will compare the past, present and future. In the past, my marriage was a fairy tale. Turned out it was too good to be true. Now I mourn for the marriage I lost, when I thought my H loved me the same as I love him. I used to want to tell him everything and anything. I drive myself crazy asking WHY? over and over. I no longer feel "special." I feel guilty that I should have known better, that life isn't fair. Why should I be different? There are people out there with bigger problems than I, so why can't I just handle it and move on? Now looking to the future brings me back to the original question: I do think that someday, I will be a better person having experienced the pain that unconditional love brings. I don't know if that will improve my marriage, but I know it will never be the same as when I was happy in ignorant bliss.

Elmo,
Just wanted to say that not only can I relate to everything you said, I love your profile picture!

Hmmm, good question.

Depends on what you mean by starting over. I started over on my own.

Am I better? (Nodding head here) Yes. I am.

While I do give so many credit for reconciling, this was my EX's second shot and last chance. We divorced.

I like me now. Much better.

L~

haha..thanks RJ. I thought it was fitting for this site. And for the record, I'm not really angry and my name isn't Elmo...it's Bob.

I think things change when you reconcile. I don't know if they are better or worse or what. We are in the tender months just after the A still and without much counceling. So, I can say that it has it's ups and downs so far. I feel like my H pays more attention to me and tries really hard to be loving and caring, more than he was prior to this. But I also wonder if it's an act or if it's genuine. I wonder if we are in a "honeymoon" stage. Where we are all feeling good to be together for a bit and then it will just fall back to where it was before the A. Who knows. I still cannot get him to make love to me. He says we didn't do that really prior to the A and wonders why I need it now... Crazy, but I keep saying that we do need to do this and it will make me feel better and that we can't go back to where we were before the A. He keeps saying he liked what we considered normal before the A. I said we must have been broken for this to have happened and he says it wasn't because of us or our lives, it was a moment of weakness for him and he wasn't out looking for it. So, I just don't know the answer to your question, but I am on the road to finding out. I wish I knew if it all works in the end. I'm not ready to give up just yet. But I do believe if things can't stay positive for us and that if we can't get back to being intimate, then this may not work. I need a whole marriage, I need my h to be my friend, my lover, my soul mate and my companion. So far I have friend, soul mate (i think) and companion. I do not have my lover in him yet.