Any way for you to get into his email? see for yourself? If not ask him I would...

I would confront both your H and the OW. Put them both on the spot.

I would ask your H if there has been any contact and see if he lies. Tell him you have ways of getting the truth so he better be honest and see what he says, but never tell him how you might know. I would write back to the woman's H and let him know when your H will be in town. Ask him if there is any way to find out if your H sees her.

I think that you and this woman's H need to start working together to get at the truth. When you have all the facts and proof then decide what to do. Don't confront him until you have proof or he will just deny or try to weasel out of it.

I would also ask this woman's H how he knows they are emailing. If he can get copies of the emails or has some other proof of what he is saying ask him to provide it to you.

You need to know so that you can react accordingly.

Unfortunately, there is no way I can get into his email. When the affair was going on, he had several different email accounts that he would use to communicate with her. Once they got caught (by her husband) with one account, he'd create another. I have no idea what the addresses are, or how to get in. I could try to hack into his work email, but I don't really know that password either. he's in IT, and is pretty good about covering his tracks.

I've sent a message back to the OW's H to ask how he got his info. Last time he contacted me that the two were communicating, my H said that he caught the OW looking at my H's Facebook profile.

hugs to you! I would confront both and take a bat to all the computers...

Hey, let's get all FOUR of you on a conference call. Its time for full disclosure and no more secrets.

LOL, needhelp -- I think I could sell tickets if the 4 of us got on a conf call!

So, yeah - my H got into my Facebook account (where the OW's H sent me the message) using my BlackBerry! I told him that it was a huge violation of my privacy, for him to just go into my cell phone and start looking through all my applications. Yes, I know it's probably a bit of a double-standard, because I would do it to him just to make sure he's not continuing this fling with the OW. I can't help it. He still didn't say why he logged into my cell phone, but of course he was livid that this guy had sent me another message saying that they were emailing again, a lot. He said something like "if (insert name) keeps sending you messages, I am going to flip out".

I suggested that he call the husband. I would have dialed the number then and there so they could work it out. I had a long discussion with my H about this (and other things last night). I really fear for this OW's safety. From my limited discussions wiht her H, he seems a bit emotionally unstable. I worry that he's going to beat the crap out of her one day. He's already borderline physically abusive - to the point of throwing her stuff across the room in front of her (and their child). I don't know why I care so much about her well-being. I guess because she's another human being too and I never want to see another woman physically hurt. I have so much more I could say about her, but I won't.

you are a very calm, patient person...all I did was throw my husbands stuff around and break glass when I found out about the affair and I am normally a very sane, very calm person... so who knows what kind of person the OW's husband really is...affairs tend to bring out the worst in everyone...and anyway ..not your problem...she crossed the line knowing what could happen. I was in contact with the OW's husband as well... we helped each other with information, exchanged emails that we both had and compared notes on dates,phone calls etc. it cleared up a lot for me...
In your case....
It's hard to imagine that if they had a sexual realtionship before and are still keeping in touch via email that nothing else is going on....your husband has a lot of explaining to do...and the fact that he coincidentally hacked into your email now...is suspicious as well...seems like there is a lot going on...and that the affair is DEFINITELY not over yet!

So sorry...Its a very, very, difficult thing to go through...the whole disclosure...and finding out what the extent of the affair has been etc....

Can her husband get in to her e-mail and forward them to you???? You may need those in the future.

Yeah, Jrsygrl13, the only reason why I think nothing physical is continuing is that they live in different states - cross country!

So, my H says that if someone wants to email that there is nothing that he can do to stop it. True. You don't have to respond though. He wants me not to respond to this guy. I can't help it that I don't believe my H that there is nothing going on. I feel that he wants me to stop communicating with this guy because he wants to be able to continue his contact (that he denies, but then contradicts himself to say that you can't stop a person from emailing, and if two people want to see each other that nothing can stop it).

He says that seeing these messages makes him really insecure. Uh, yeah! How does he think it makes me feel?! He also said that he's concerned about me saying bad things about him behind his back and that makes him insecure. I think that he was looking in my account to see if he could find this evidence. He says that if I'm feeling depressed, insecure, or stressed that he feels the same. Part of me wants to believe him and another part of me thinks he's manipulating me.

he also says that this OW is manipulating her husband by using my own husband. She doesn't love him any more and this is the only way that she can get her vengeance on him by using my H. My H says that her H has treated her like dirt since the very beginning (yet my husband fails to make any connections here about the way that he as treated me!) To me, this seems like a possible reality. You find what really gets at someone, and you can use it to your advantage. It seems kind of dangerous for her to do if he has a history of being abusive toward her. I ramble...

She knows her husband better than you and if she is choosing to betray him in this way then she is taking her own risks isn't she? Not your problem. Don't waste your energy on it. Your problem is your husband. I would be damn hard to catch an IT man out I would think, unless he got really sloppy or wanted to be caught. I think confrontation is the only way, you watch how he reacts. Over-reaction ca be a sign of guilt as well. Next time the OW hubby contacts you show your husband, when he denies, tell him it' time you all sorted this out together once and for all. Call his bluff. Sorry you are felling this way. Not knowing whats up sucks.

I'm sorry, but I think it's a bit of a stretch to call someone borderline physically abusive simply because he threw some stuff across a room after he found out his wife was fucking another man.

NO LADY YOU NEED TO ADDRESS THIS WITH "YOUR" HUSBAND. DOn"T BEAT AROUND THE BUSH WITH HIM EITHER. WHY LET IT GO IF YOU LOVE YOUR HUSBAND AND EXPECT HIM TO BE TRUE TO YOU. I'D CONTACT THE OW HUSBAND, FIND OUT IF HE HAS PYHSICAL EVIDENCE (EMAILS, TEXTS, AND OTHER THINGS) I'D ASK HIM TO MAIL COPIES OF EVERYTHING TO MY OFFICE..THEN I WOULD HAVE MY EVIDENCE ON THE TABLE AND ASK MY HUSBNAD ABOUT HIS AFFAIR BEFORE I RELEASE THE DOGS ON HIS TIRED AZZ!!!!!SEEMS TO ME THAT YOUR MORE CONCERNED ABOUT HOW THE OW HUSBAND GOT YOUR INFO...AND NOT YOUR HUSBAND TRYING TO HOOK UP WITH A MARRIED WOMAN (IF HE HASN"T ALREADY). PUT YOUR BITCH HEELS ON AND LET 'ER RIP!!!!

LOL... OK. FrankLawyer, maybe you're right. Sorry... I just don't get a good feeling from this guy and I'm glad I don't have to be anywhere near him. You know how some people just give you the creeps? Maybe not. Maybe I'm just overly sensitive about everything.

I am certain my H would be acting the same way if the tables were turned.