Yes, to therapy, both separately and together.
There is so much to say here, and it's too hard for me to say it. All I can say now is: Keep seeking the truth. Hell is survivable; it's just a temporary state.

Take control of this situation- decide what you want and move forward. I lived this - I'll nevwr do it again. I loved my husband too and wanted our 20 year marriage - but sadly he did nothing g to save it. Let her find out the reality of this little fantasy. Four months va 14 years and a living family - no contest... separate and spare your kids.

I'm sorry you're here and going through this. She's already told you that she loves the other guy and is ready to move out. Would you even want to be her plan B? You love her, but her actions show that she doesn't love you. I would suggest individual counseling for yourself. Take some time to know your worth. One person can't do 100% to keep a marriage together, no matter how hard you want to save it. If she's already checked out, well then you have your answer. In the meantime, please get tested for STDs immediately. They all say they use protection but you can't really believe liars. I wish you well!

My wife had an affair, she moved out, and we headed down the road to divorce. I agree with everything the three other posters wrote. And yet... After two and a half years of being separated, she got her head back together, and we reconciled.

I'm sorry this has happened to you and we have all gone through this.

You just found out and likely you are in survival mode. Right now you see your wife as the person she was presenting herself to be during your long relationship.

This is why you feel this heightened sense of "love" towards her. It can take many months but you will slowly realize that the person she really is, and that she isn't so loveable after all.

As well, there is nothing you can do to make someone love you. She simply may not have the capacity to be loyal/trustworthy. At this point she doesn't want to be with you. You can't force her to love you.

Get some counseling and try to stay healthy in other areas of your life.

Her motivation to seek a therapist as you noted was to figure out "what she wants". It isn't to gain introspection to why she would betray her husband, children, friend, and extended family. Sadly this means she is just going to selfishly look for external validation to continue to do what she wants.

The therapist may caudle and enable her feelings and decisions or on the other hand may give her an objective kick in the butt.

Thanks all for your insight, my objectivity blinded/lacking at the moment... 8-( I did have a brief conversation with her this morning and she has all intentions to move out, and doesn't want anything said to our kids, "we'll tell them together". I have convinced her to go see a therapist together on Monday so we can sort out the impactful stuff (ie. kids telling them and living situations, finances (as we are tied together until the sale of our house closes in April! (have to maintain mortgage/bill payments until then) and all the other stuff that just eludes me now. I did get the STD test stuff today (had a pre-existing appointment for my daughter) so that'll be done today. From what I could manage it seems the therapist has told her, she'd checked out long ago and if it wasn't the current man, it would inevitably have been another and basically to leave. I'm a firm believer that anything can be fixed if there's a will and a want to do so, but her 'mixed' feelings are fading away from me towards him. I just need to know ultimately where she stands, how best to care for our children moving forward, and trying to take care of myself and obligations.

In telling the kids (12 & 16) I am of the mind they should indeed know she had an affair with another, as it will teach them right from wrong and hopefully they won't do the same thing in their lives. She had the choice to confront me directly with her wish to end it prior to engaging in the affair, and she knows she's in the wrong. But what message does it send to the kids if that key deceitful piece of information is left out? The wrong one in my mind. This doesn't come from a place of malice/vindictiveness or wanting to inflict her pain, just taking responsibility for her complete lack of consideration for me and the kids so she can truly own it.

Your thoughts are, as always, appreciated and valued,

Thanks friends!

So sorry ur going through this. It sounds indeed she wants to leave. There's nothing right now you can do or should even want to try forcing on her to safe ur marriage cause that sets you up for more pain. Cause if she's not renorsefull and committed it won't work. Good ur both in individual therapy or if ur not tgats a good thing to do. Glad u got STD tested. I think it's good to talk together to a therapist about how to bring this to the kids . I have no advice there but I'm sure the therapist will give you advice. So no words of wisdom. Let her go for now and who knows she might get hit with reality once things get "real" about the divorce . Also her affair relationship won't last cause they rarely do. She will get bored of him or he of her. Wish you all the best. Ur not alone

Kids that age can be told something as simple as "I'm not ok with Moms boyfriend. Married people don't have boyfriends or girlfriends." I'm sure you can come up with something objective that is truth-telling but not a direct slam against their mother. So glad you got STD tested and hoping for negative results for you!

You have to let her leave. I personally would not do therapy together right now. You have to let go and hope she wakes up and comes back. Just legally seperate for now and you do not have to rush to file for divorce, but you can't let this be acceptable. Don't let her treat you like shit.

Thanks all for the advice and experience... I truly appreciate all the viewpoints during this horrific time.

My situation is very similar. My husband of 25+ years had an affair (emotional and physical).We agreed we would try to make things right but then after 2 weeks of me finding out, he moved out because he is angry, confused, and needs space. So in my books he has dealt me a double whammy, first the affair, then abandoning me. He says he will go to couples counselling but cant make me any promises. There is a long waiting list where we live so we will have to wait for several weeks for an appointment. He is currently staying with his parents but is looking to rent somewhere and we have little contact.. I have serious doubts that he is committed to reconciliation. Im confused too. Whilst he stayed I really wanted him, but now he's gone, I dont know anymore if I want him back, especially as he is not reassuring me that is what he wants. You may find that you start to feel the same. It is indeed a nightmare; I too lost my Mum very suddenly several years ago. I know exactly how you feel. I cant give you much advice other than agree that you should both go to counselling. I hope both our situations improve soon.

So I drew up draft legal separation papers today, and she thinks she's getting joint custody of the kids?! How do I approach this as to not enable her and ensure this fantasy of having it all is just a fantasy. The kids stay at home, and that is in this house with their father to make the best of things left.

Sorry to hear your story. My wife cheated on me so I totally agree with your statement that it is a new kind of hell. Unfortunately we are not in a club with few members.
We have both been to a psychologist separately on a regular basis over the last two years and I have found it very helpful. I would certainly recommend it.
The advice I was given was not to tell the children about the affair. This could seriously affect the relationship with their mother. I felt like telling my four too when I found out, I was so angry. I wanted her to tell the kids why their father was leaving. So glad I didn't.
Secondly, I was advised to stay in the house together initially if we were serious about sorting things out. We did, and once again it was good advice. It can be difficult to communicate if you are both living apart. Two years on I am sort of comfortable where our relationship is and I think now would be the best time to move out for a while as a lot of the emotion is out (certainly not all!) The head is a lot clearer and it would be a far better time to decide if you have a future together.
In regards to the kids, do your very best to be fair with the custody situation. If things don't go well for your with your marriage and I really hope it does - you will be and inspiration to your kids for the way you handled this event and with the fairness you displayed.

Well she has moved out for the time being, with her 'only place to go' is to him. Hopefully she realizes the error in her ways and can find forgiveness in her heart for me and everything that led to this point. Hopefully he's not as great as he seems, time will tell, the polish will fade. Very tough to read her as all the honest exchanges we had seemed to be 'passive aggressive' (that's what she said I was being) and said I'd never be forgiven for this. Hopefully those were words of conflicting emotions and a slight realization the sh!t is now real and there are consequences. I'm here now simply trying to console my kids who are having a hard time, understandably. We love them no less, it's not their fault and I wish the pain could be magically wiped away...

"A whole new level of Hell"

Well said.

My experience says this:

You are in the emotional shock phase. Your heart is still deeply invested in the marriage and in your wife.

She has been de-vested in the marriage for some time now. The affair started 4 months ago, but it typically takes a lot of additional time for her to get to that point.

Give yourself a bit more time, let it sink in, seek emotional support from reliable friends/ family and find a good therapist.

If She wants to salvage the marriage, has remorse and wants to do couples counseling then by all means go that route. I wish my experience had gone this way.

You will eventually make it through this hell. I was married to my life time partner for 27 years.

Surprisingly I'm happier over all now than I was when we were together. I no longer love her, nor hate her. The thing I didn't expect is that she has become an emotional wreck, wants to try again and realizes she made some errors. I even feel a little sad for her, another surprise to me. I can't live my life in reverse. Things could never be like they had been between us.

You have a lot of grieving to do my friend. My heart is with you.