I'm terribly sorry that this has happened to you. There are some who do it for the thrill and continually engage in these relationships. There are others who will cheat out of weakness and pain. Yes it is always a selfish act. I don't disagree with that, but there are also those who cheat and feel the regret and remorse of their actions and work hard to repair the damage. I thank god every day that my H is the latter. Huge hugs to you!!!!!!

Sorry for the pain you experienced.
You put your faith in someone who deceived you.
It is no reflection on you.

Try to find a glimmer of hope in this experience.
Perhaps .....if anything you can see the symptoms earlier.

Take your time and get healthy.

((((((((((hug)))))))))))

Just like some people are born with a physical disability, a missing arm, missing sight... some people are born without fully formed consciences, without the ability to empathize, and some people - in my opinion - without the ability to love in a deep way, a healthy way nor be monogamous. Some people are born that way and some people choose to live that way, or develop themselves in that way, or are raised that way through circumstance, experience, lack of impulse control, narcissism, low tolerance for discomfort, lack of self-control, lack of empathy, selfishness all combined with poor choices.

For all of those emotionally disfigured people there are plenty more who love like we do - singularly, with our whole hearts, with respect, fidelity and character.

It is up to us to decide, when we find out what kind of love they can offer, whether our lives are improved by being with them, or whether we can live with the level of love they can provide.

My situation is very much like yours. Not only do I think these type of people (I'm not saying all that cheat are like this) do it because they can but I truly believe they do it because they think they're entitled to. There is something in thier self-concept that causes them to believe in this entitlement. From what I've researched those that have this quirk have a very difficult time changing - it takes supreme effort and brutal honesty about themselves. It really is very much like dealing with an addition where you're always an addict but move to recovery.

Before I married my husband I knew he was a womanizer. But I thought he was a reformed womanizer. We even went to counseling for it before we were married. And the sad thing is, I really believe he wanted to change.

The counselor told us that I would have to keep him accountable - if he said he was going somewhere make sure that was where he was. He told him he would always have to remain transparent.

However, looking back I can see that if my husband had married someone else this might have worked (I say might have because statistically speaking it wouldn't have.). The problem is that I hate confrontation. I didn't fully understand what was required on my part to hold him accountable. It felt like I was being his mother. It also took an enormous amount of energy and having gone from being a single working mother with a 14 year old son to being a wife and mother with 3 additional young step sons I already felt spread very thin. Add in the factor I developed cancer and had to go through treatment and well, life happened and I just didn't have the emotional fortitude.

I also think we should have gone to counseling specific to his quirk. We should have made counseling a more long term commitment. He had no idea that it was more than turning over a new leaf. His perceived needs and belief of entitlement were totally unrealistic and I was very quickly a disappointment because I could not meet those unrealistic expectations.

My husband and I got along well. We rarely argued, we laughed a lot, had long talks and had fun together. At first I thought all that was just such an illusion but as I move away from it I see it's all part of the package. He was so able to compartmentalize his life that he was fully functional in all areas without a hint of bleed through.

I have great compassion for my husband. I accept that marrying him was a mistake. I accept that he needed someone vigilant and not someone who enabled his quirk because conflict was too inconvenient and distasteful.

At the same time, I understand he is not quite right. He's a womanizer, a compulsive liar, deceptive, manipulative and cold hearted in getting what he wants. He's hot or he's cold, loving or dismissive, supportive or arrogant - it all depends on how a thing relates to what he wants in how he acts and reacts.

We've had a very friendly separation and he's been absolutely wonderful as I try to get on my feet. He's fully supporting me financially as I look for full time work. But if I'm not careful he will take advantage of me. Once after having a long and very mutually healing talk I ended up doing his laundry the next day: )

My problem right now is establishing boundaries. I want clearly defined boundaries that he knows are there - not the high voltage electric fence that is presently around me.

My husband believes he's turned over a new leaf. He thinks he can make this marriage work now. He still doesn't get it. And my biggest fear is that he will someday do this to someone else.

Your description of these type of men is right on. And you are right - you need to take care of yourself. Your anger is justified and you should not subject yourself to such treatment.

Stay strong in your decision. I applaud you for your courage.

"It is up to us to decide, when we find out what kind of love they can offer, whether our lives are improved by being with them, or whether we can live with the level of love they can provide."

Well said, Bella - it is so much more important to work on ourselves and defining what kind of love we need and can offer others, than it is to try and figure out what makes CS tick and how they can be reformed. Everyone is only capable of loving the way they know how. It doesn't excuse causing pain to someone, but we have the choice to move on and not subject ourselves to less than we need.