Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
I've seen it sprinkled throughout posts here and there, but this article got me to really thinking about gaslighting: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/yashar-hedayat/a-message-to-women-from-a_1_b_958859.html
How many BS have heard one (or all) of the following? (I won't say just BW's, either - I'll wager BH's get it, too.)
"You're just being paranoid."
"Stop being so controlling!"
"You just need to get over this."
"What's wrong with you?"
"You need to stop obsessing about this!"
"You're being ridiculous."
"You're making this way bigger than it is."
The main reason I quit counseling was because I felt like my fears, my anxieties, my feelings in general were being glossed over - at best - and completely dismissed at other times. I was literally told by the counselor that I should make an agreement never to mention the A again. I wasn't ready to "put it behind me" at that point. NOT EVEN CLOSE.
It was bad enough having my H dismiss my feelings. Of course he did. My feelings left him *uncomfortable* about what he did. Go figure. But to have a counselor be dismissive was pretty messed up.
Friends are very dismissive, too. "Well, you'll just have to get over it if you want to stay," or "So just leave," as if that will suddenly make this pain go away? I've been on DS long enough to see that even those who leave wrestle pain long after the divorce papers have been filed away.
Why is our society so dismissive of emotions? Why aren't we allowed to feel what we feel when we feel it?
How many BS have heard one (or all) of the following? (I won't say just BW's, either - I'll wager BH's get it, too.)
"You're just being paranoid."
"Stop being so controlling!"
"You just need to get over this."
"What's wrong with you?"
"You need to stop obsessing about this!"
"You're being ridiculous."
"You're making this way bigger than it is."
The main reason I quit counseling was because I felt like my fears, my anxieties, my feelings in general were being glossed over - at best - and completely dismissed at other times. I was literally told by the counselor that I should make an agreement never to mention the A again. I wasn't ready to "put it behind me" at that point. NOT EVEN CLOSE.
It was bad enough having my H dismiss my feelings. Of course he did. My feelings left him *uncomfortable* about what he did. Go figure. But to have a counselor be dismissive was pretty messed up.
Friends are very dismissive, too. "Well, you'll just have to get over it if you want to stay," or "So just leave," as if that will suddenly make this pain go away? I've been on DS long enough to see that even those who leave wrestle pain long after the divorce papers have been filed away.
Why is our society so dismissive of emotions? Why aren't we allowed to feel what we feel when we feel it?
When I joined a parents support group at his school for the deaf we all had the same story.
I think we are all a painful reminder of what can go horribly wrong in a marriage and that is some of why our friends and family don't want to hear about it. We already know why our CS don't want to talk about it.
Its just another reason why this is so hard...we can't really turn to family and friends. We all feel pretty alone in this....thank God for DS
My wife has explained how labor and delivery felt to her, but I really have no idea compared to her perspective as an example. No matter how many books I read or counselors I talk to, I will really never know how that felt. And I was there!
All of our individual stories are too unique to come up with one size fits all solutions. For example, post-affair, I could speak with someone who is not trying to move forward and be critical of them holding on to bitter memories and pain or "not getting over it". In another situation, I could find myself thinking, "how dare you suggest someone get over it".
At some point in affair recovery, the betrayed spouse needs to get to the point that they are willing to move forward, without forgetting.
People avoid funerals when they don't want to examine reckless behavior in themselves. My point was only that sometimes it is easier for betrayers (and any human being) to try and put blame on people for having feelings rather than look at the part they played in helping or hurting those feelings. It is may be easier for an offending spouse to think that the reason they cannot move forward in the marriage is because the betrayed spouse can't get over this, rather than think, they need to be more supportive and remove any expectation of when the spouse will get over this and do everything the betrayed person asks them to do (within reason for you hairsplitters). I also believe marriages fail post affair because the betrayed can not get over it as much as because the betrayer isn't "sorry enough". My best friend asked me, in his own uneloquent way, "Bottom line is, can you get over it or not?" He wasn't telling me to get over it, just pointing out the bottom line as my best friend. I had to swallow some pride and decide to move forward. All I am saying is people suck at communicating emotions, do we really think we are different? If we had all the answers on emotional communication, would we be here (I love it here so I don't even want that)? If our offending significant others were awesome at knowing and dealing with emotions would they have done what they did?
Back on topic, if someone is saying those things, be it family, spouse or whatever. You need to decide if it is is ignorance or meanness. If meanness and inability to understand and change - GET OUT of the relationship or get used to it. If it's ignorance, maybe they can change. If willing to change, stay until you know how you want to proceed, unwilling or incapable of change, time to decide if it's worth it. Get a new counselor, just for yourself. Marriage counselor's are hit or miss, like anyo service provider.
Q: What do you call the guy who graduated at the bottom of the class in medical school, Answer: Doctor.
Love ya' woman, L~
Amen. I wouldn't be where I am today without the support I've found here.