Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
I have pretty much come to the conclusion that most CS have a major feeling of inadequacy for whatever the reason in their life and in their relationship.
This normally in the form of multiple reasons. Communication, achievements, parenting skills, lack of self worth and self esteem, total selfish and lack of morals and values/character. They dont feel as awesome as they once did in the relationship and with themselves.
There could be other factors the need for some change, routine situations that are causing stress and burnout, attention is not being given as before. Kids could become the major focal point and attention and the passion is just not there as it once was.
Then some guy or girl comes along, gives them that attention, tells them there is nothing wrong with them, its really their spouse thats the key to open the door the CS agrees yea its not me its really that person over there, I really am awesome, hey thanks for making things clearier you really get me.
Then the justifications into spending more time, more texts back and forth, this person makes me feel wonderful again when really I have some messed up issues I should be taken care of personally, but I will just do it via this person over here telling me Im not broken, I really am a shiny piece of glass not a million pieces broken everywhere.
It wasnt me all along, it was the BS who really is the one to blame lets all dance around the wagon and gang up on the BS. Throw crap at them.
They start to enjoy blaming the BS and the BS is now like WTF is going on. Who are you now? Wheres my Spouse? The CS answers - Im the alter ego of my former self I am super awesome and guess what this other person over here agrees with me that Im super awesome.
The problem with all these is normally, after all over the messed up stuff they do from that point on will come right back around and bit them in the butt its a full circle situation that cant be avoided - that they will do and they try so hard to blame everything on the BS and not have to come around for the full circle ride but in the end they have just burned down their entire house and destroyed their foundation.
Later they want to reenter the house they once helped build and the door is gone burnt down - making them 100 times sadier then when they once started this whole stupid thing. Looking over what they destroyed they wonder what they had done.
This normally in the form of multiple reasons. Communication, achievements, parenting skills, lack of self worth and self esteem, total selfish and lack of morals and values/character. They dont feel as awesome as they once did in the relationship and with themselves.
There could be other factors the need for some change, routine situations that are causing stress and burnout, attention is not being given as before. Kids could become the major focal point and attention and the passion is just not there as it once was.
Then some guy or girl comes along, gives them that attention, tells them there is nothing wrong with them, its really their spouse thats the key to open the door the CS agrees yea its not me its really that person over there, I really am awesome, hey thanks for making things clearier you really get me.
Then the justifications into spending more time, more texts back and forth, this person makes me feel wonderful again when really I have some messed up issues I should be taken care of personally, but I will just do it via this person over here telling me Im not broken, I really am a shiny piece of glass not a million pieces broken everywhere.
It wasnt me all along, it was the BS who really is the one to blame lets all dance around the wagon and gang up on the BS. Throw crap at them.
They start to enjoy blaming the BS and the BS is now like WTF is going on. Who are you now? Wheres my Spouse? The CS answers - Im the alter ego of my former self I am super awesome and guess what this other person over here agrees with me that Im super awesome.
The problem with all these is normally, after all over the messed up stuff they do from that point on will come right back around and bit them in the butt its a full circle situation that cant be avoided - that they will do and they try so hard to blame everything on the BS and not have to come around for the full circle ride but in the end they have just burned down their entire house and destroyed their foundation.
Later they want to reenter the house they once helped build and the door is gone burnt down - making them 100 times sadier then when they once started this whole stupid thing. Looking over what they destroyed they wonder what they had done.
But just like rocket fuel, that tank only has so much in it, then it falls off the rocket.
The focus on the fire is shifted from the BS to the AP. Things become clearer, the FOG is lifted and now sitting in front of CS is the AP which is now in full focus for the true evil crazy person they really are. Using all their shellfish evil Tactics as the knight in shinny armor reveals a real mutant of Ill proportions.
These people normal thrive on destruction that is where they get their energy does the AP ever get it no their generic code normally is wired in such a way that when you see 1 + 1 = 2 they see it equals 7 and no amount of logic will get through to them on that - they are bullshit artiest to the extreme.
The CS is left wonder what just happened.
Before they were blinded of this persons really qualities or lack thereof. Now all they can see is who this person really truly is and its not a pretty sight.
Internally your CS knows they are going down the wrong path but normally they have no way of stopping it and they pull so many crazy moves it is mind blowing. When they say an alien has taken over - that pretty much sums it up.
I think even drugs (obviously not all the time) would not be as worse because with someone on drugs - it doesnt get as "personal" to the BS as the A does.
When they say hang on for a wild wide - that doesnt even come close.
Do whatever it is to save your own life by even cutting your CS out of your life to save your life.
The only difference, for me at least, came prior to the stage where your post begins. I had accomplishments. I had strong self esteem. I brought with me to our marriage great communication and parenting skills, after working hard to develop them for the benefit of my child. I am not generally selfish and I don't lack morals or character. I had all those qualities that should have and could have protected me from being drawn into an affair.
My H was intimidated by my success, my strength, and my interpersonal skills. He felt inferior. However unconsciously, he systematically and habitually attacked my self esteem with his emotional abuse, in order to bring me down to his level and then lower, so that he could feel superior.
It took 12 years for him to destroy my personal foundation, before I broke and began to attack the foundation of our marriage which, clearly, was shaky to begin with as I was married to an abuser.
Yes, by that point, I no longer felt as awesome as I once had. That part was not my fault, and it was from there that the rest played out. This is why my H takes what he considers his share of responsibility for my A. I get that many will be offended by that, by his sense of responsibility, but it's how he feels, not what I tell him to feel. He knows how we got here and owns his part in that.
Looking at GunnaMakeIt's story lately, I see another example of a marriage like ours. Maybe, then, there is an exception to all the rules, a different dynamic that plays out when emotional abuse is part of the marriage.
Maybe we don't all fit into one neat mold.
Maybe the more interesting question is what creates a CS, rather than what identifies us.
"My H was intimidated by my success, my strength, and my interpersonal skills. He felt inferior. However unconsciously, he systematically and habitually attacked my self esteem with his emotional abuse, in order to bring me down to his level and then lower, so that he could feel superior. "
Yea - I have definitely seen that happen as well - someone trying to bring someone else down and then that persons self esteem being majorily damaged.
I didn't apply for that job and I don't intend (with a lot of counselling perhaps) to take it on. The "pay" is way too shitty. (Sorry for that...in a BAD mood today).
interesting