i totally feel the same way you do. i know that it is not healthy for me to hate anyone but i hate her with so much passion. she not only had an affair with my husband but has a kid with him as a result. if i did not love him i would hate him just as much(my feeling towards him have completely changed). my hatred towards her consumes me and the mere mention of her name sends me into a tailspin. she is disgusting and so is he. but you know what, she has to look at a kid everyday who she thought having would make my husband hers-i hope every morning that she wakes up and knows what she did makes her feel like the ass she really is.

"He who has so little knowledge of human nature as to seek happiness by changing anything but his own disposition, will waste his life in fruitless efforts, and multiply the grief which he purposes to remove." (Samuel Johnson )

You know - the OW didn't do it alone. he was right there with her - telling her god knows what about the state of things between you too and possibly about a future together for them.

Don't waste your time on the OW - she is not 100% to blame. Your husband was there too - and its always good to look at ourselves in this situation - honestly, openly and with forgiveness. This bitterness will eat you up and you are worth more than that.

Dont buy into the blame, the name calling, the diagnosing of "personality disorders" - it will get you no where.

Millstar had a great post.

I think it gets better in time -- that anger and that hurt seem to settle down. It does for me and it's been about 4 years. What can I say? When I get mad, I get really fricking mad.

How's about forgiving but not forgetting? I forgive the poor fool who cheated on me but I won't forget what he did.

Just a thought -- I think my not being so angry now is that I built a life without him in spite of all of that. When I start to feel that old anger come back, I stop and look around at where I am now, and where my kids are now, and tell myself "I am doing just fine." It helps. You can do the same -- he is still with you, and you are building your life in spite of it all -- still going the distance. Doing just fine, considering.

Does that help?

Millstarr thanks for your response. I do not blame the OW 100%, I do realize my husband pursued her after she aired her dirty laundry to him one day, letting him know it had been years since her and her husband were intimate with each other. I understand they are both to blame. But, you see, I have been with my husband daily since D-Day and have expressed my feelings of anger, hurt, etc. with him, as for the OW, she was a close friend, I phoned her immedialty to confront her about this and she hung up on me as soon as she realized I knew. My last statement in the letter I wrote her was, "Someday you may realize an attempt to apologize may have been so much more beneficial to all concerned", she never has responded. Oh wait, she did give me the finger one day when we passed each other in our cars!! Almost as if she felt she had every right to do what she did! As for my responsibility in the affair, the only thing I blame myself for is my convincing my husband to go out and have a card night with the guys once a week because I felt he deserved this because he is a hard worker. That card night became their night! I blame myself for being so considerate of his feelings.. I was a good wife and a good mother and never deserved to be treated with such disrespect from my husband or my close friend. I am a very compassionate and forgiving person. I understand people have issues, we all do. If you hurt me and show remorse for doing so, I would more than likely be able to find my way to forgive but when you ignore the pain you have caused and try to hurt me more, then I will become bitter. This is the point I am at with the OW. I do hate her and probably always will.

I feel the same way about the OW and it's only because she's never acknowledged her role in this mess.

I gave her the chance 11 months past d-day. I called her and told her I would like to hear her side of the story. I was at the point that her view of the situation was the last piece of the puzzle I needed in order to move forward. I explained to her that I just wanted to know if she was at all sorry for being a part of this mess that my H brought into our lives.

She told me that the only thing she was sorry about is that her and my H were not still friends. That she didn't care one bit about me or how I felt during or in the aftermath of the A. She told me to get a job and quit dwelling on the A and that I must be really weak for not getting over it yet. She told me that my H went down on her and he was soooo good. She also told me things that I already knew but said it like she was dropping a bomb. Kind of like she thought my H lied about those things to me. CLUE honey, you got with the liar AS a liar... I didn't.

Now I know some people on here will try to say that she was being defensive. That I probably went at her with both guns drawn. Believe me, I was as cool, calm, and collected. Mostly because I was stunned at the audacity of her gloating and venom towards me, not my husband, ME... She felt she was justified because she just came out of a divorce and she had had some emotional attachments but she needed more... The conversation lasted 34 minutes. If she felt that I was attacking her, she would have hung up long before that.

She also waxed poetic about my H and what good friends they were... She knows nothing about him. I asked her to name one of his three siblings... she stumbled and asked why she would have to know that. I asked her where he went to HS, and what was the nature of his moms illness, and who he was voting for... That's when she started saying I have to go... She couldn't answer one question about my H. She was not his friend...

Sorry to keep adding but I do not blame the OW 100% for the A either. I blame them both equally.

The difference is that my H knows his actions were wrong she doesn't believe they were... He recognizes the damage and hurt that THEY inflicted on many, many people and he's doing everything in his power to be stand up about it. She on the other hand does not see the pain in anyone but herself.

Carbon copy...once again.
Funny because the OW also told me to get a job the day she gave me the finger. I had rolled my window down asking her- after all she had done she had the nerve to give me the finger, she yelled "get a job" and drove away. i felt the same as you. Why am i all of the sudden the bad guy? She also appears to recognize no ones pain but her own. Actually, she's rather pathetic...thanks for the post.

I am sooo sorry, you have been delt a double whammy...Your husband & friend. I don't care what anyone says you don't have to FORGIVE if you don't too.

Hello... that would be if you don't want too :-)

If you are trying to make your marriage work you pretty much have to find a way to forgive you mate. The other person - what ever for? They don't have to be part of your life and why would you want them to be - who needs friends like that? They are not worth the time.

her telling you to get a job shows how jealous she is that she works and you dont...
she is envy of you all over her....
that is why she wanted what you had.
she didnt get it and he betrayed her by telling you on her and now she is pissed that she lost control of your h
it is all about control..
they dont feel feelings for no one but themselves and what they could gain
she wanted your life,not your h and she was slowly trying to get him to divorce you probably and it all blew up after she put in all that effort and skeeming so it blew up in her face and her h left her to boot....
you won...and she hates it
so stop looking at yourself as the loser
he made a huge mistake but you won
so stop looking at yourself as the underdog and her as the winner....
if she won, your h would have left you
not just fell victim to her manipulation for a while...
the first thing you have to realize is
you are not the underdog and you won....
and you are the one on top ,not her
dont allow her to be apart of your life now...unless you want to marry her into your marriage...that is what obsessing on her is actually doing...making her a permaneant person in your marriage.....
focus on today and tomorrow and
not yesterday
we are all getting older..dont waste your energy time love or life on nothing but today or you will wake up one day realizing your life is gone and all that you missed by
being caught up your entire life on the past...
you have a second chance and so does he,
make it all new.......
i know it is hard
but the reality is...
you have to divorce her from your thoughts and life or make her a permanent fixture by giving her space in your mind daily....which will always ruin your present ....and future and one day life is over
this is not a dress rehearsal...each day you focus on this is a day gone that you can not
make up...it is gone...

bluebird you have some good points.
In my case, my H used her and she expected NOTHING in return. The sexual part didn't last, it was only 6 1/2 weeks. I know she was jealous of our life though, from the first time she started to befriend my H. He would tell her thing we were doing, about trips we were taking and she would ALWAYS follow up by saying "your wife is so lucky to have someone like you". This was happening for two years prior to the SA and he would tell me everything she was saying to him...

You're also right about "divorcing" her from your marriage. I found that indifference is the best way to view her and her life. It's so much easier said than done though.

mypugglesx, time helps a lot. I'm 16 months past d-day and I don't feel like I would like to beat the living crap out of her every time I see her anymore. She'll get hers someday. I will never like her and I'm hoping my hatred for her fades too. I basically feel sorry for her because she has nothing in her life.

Pity and indifference... those are my goals and I'm halfway there.

Forgiving is to FREE youself. Think of it as a journey - refuse to stay stuck in that pain. If you think forgiving is easy or for the weak ones, you have not tried it yet. Forgiving is for giving...by accepting others human frailty and to move on without bitterness is not to excuse or condone their bad behaviour but to refuse to let go and hold on to that feeling of injustice in order to punish them is a fallacy...YOU are the only one being punished.

Forgive her the right way. Tell her ( or yourself) that you feel bad she is such a whore and can't have her own things and man. Then smile and move on.

You don't HAVE to forgive anyone. Is it good to? Yeah. But really? Forgive what it WAS- forgive her for being such a nasty tramp and don't exemplify her as anything more than a lost soul.

You have to forgive, let the anger and resentment go. It will eat you up inside. I have had to forgive the two H's for their cheating, however you also have a friend also. Maybe ask yourself are they worth letting it tear you up. Who is suffering here? You, it's just not worth it. However this is something we can never forget. Hugs.