I chose to try to reconcile. It's over 4 years later and I deeply regret that I did not divorce him when I found out about him.
I chose to try to reconcile because I wanted to say that I tried everything and I just didn't know what the right path was. It was painful to stay and it would have been painful to divorce. It's like I had to choose between two terrible painful choices. I also chose to try to reconcile because one of my children had serious health issues. Also, I tried to avoid the "death of the family unit" as onyx brought up in another thread.
Saying "enough is enough" is different for everyone. For me, it's enough because my marriage is still in a bad place and his cheating can never be erased. Before I found out he was a cheater, I used to think we could get through anything together. His adultery has changed that. We could have handled anything until he decided it was a great thing to tear our lives apart. His APs will always be a part of this marriage. That can't ever change.
We went for counseling, but it wasn't that helpful. I wish I had divorced him then.

You asked for opinions... just like bottoms, everyone has one and they all stink, but here's mine:

1) Enough is enough when there is no improvement in the relationship and boundaries are not respected or upheld. I do think there is room for some backsliding and side sliding, but it's gotta be fairly small. For example, if my husband ran into the OW at work and didn't tell me and I found out some other way, I'd be LIVID... but I'd forgive him. If he met up with her in private for ANY reason without clearing it with me (and trust me, it wouldn't clear with me) I'd be done. Period.

2) I did choose to stay because we both actively chose to work on the relationship and get it "better than before the affair". It is. It has been a rough road, but I knew my OWN recovery would be just as rough without my husband. I would have the same trust issues/fear/anxiety with anyone in the future that I chose to date. Why lose 20 years of history unless it was truly hopeless? He has done nearly everything I've asked and I have made drastic changes, too. If we hadn't, or if we had and it hadn't made a difference, I wouldn't have stayed with him. I love him, he loves me, and we're a good team.

3) Oh, gosh. I'd have done a LOT differently. The outcome would have been the same, but hopefully, our progress would have been smoother and perhaps even swifter. So... things I'd change? I'd immediately have had huz's phone number changed. I'd have read the books on relationships and recovery immediately instead of waiting almost a year. I would have had huz not only call the OW and on speaker phone tell her to leave him alone, I'd have had him write an email to her and CC it to all of his bosses.

There are other things I'd like to say I would have done, but I'll be honest, I wasn't in the head space to do any of the rest of them until I was further in my recovery and healing. I had to bleed out the toxins before I was ready to heal, if that makes sense.

I don't regret staying. We've both learned to be better partners and better people. If that hadn't happened, I think we'd both still be pretty danged miserable and just waiting for a reason to leave (or cheat again.)

You know, I'd like to add: I'd also have huz CC the letter to leave him alone to all HER bosses, too. That's one step that was omitted that has ALWAYS bugged me.

I think there is only "one" valid reason to try. I think that if the offender is "truely" remorseful and obviously changed and committed then it "might" be worth the effort on the part of the betrayed. I feel like any other reason may just be convoluted thinking and quite possibly enabling. If you feel she's staying for monetary reasons, that's pretty much just prostitution. In that scenario, I would feel it's time to set that person on their road.

At this point I am not sure if I am going to try to reconcile, but why I have in the past is this: my marriage has been a joy besides this issue. 21 years with only small issues. We love each other deeply and enjoy each others company. He has never (so far) wanted anything more to do with these women than a turnon, usually through sext messages, although occasionally in person. It still hurts like hell, but I have not been able to imagine life without him, and our kids feelings are also paramount in this decision too.

At this point we are separated, which I wish I had done the first time, because although I saw remorse the other times, this separation has brought it to a complete,y different level. My husband is doing things to "fix" himself that I never imagined. Church, counseling, joining a sex addicts group, etc... He admits it is very hard though, and it may be too late for me. I am 49 in great shape, still have my looks ( but for how long?), so I am considering dating. I am confused. I have gotten off topic here, but wanted to answer why I have tried to rebuild in the past. The future is unsure. Good luck to you whatever you decide.

I think the money comment about orostitution is very harsh and unfair, and I think it is reckless for someone to divorce if they are not financially ready to care for themselves. It's ok to take the time and plan your exit, but don't stay indefinitely just for money.

One more thing about deciding to reconcile. If ou can see that the cheating is a small piece of who that person is as a whole, and possibly that piece can be eliminated, or changed, then maybe reconciling can work. How do we know that? Wish I knew.....

Forgiving and rebuilding are two entirely different things. True forgiveness came for me when my H finally "got it" and the shame and remorse hit. He had shallow remorse in the beginning and it took awhile to really hit on a core level. At that point he was willing to do some heavy lifting to fix things and work on himself.

Choosing to rebuild was easy - I wasn't ready to pull the plug on our marriage and took the wait and see approach to where all this was headed. Rebuilding is sort of like purgatory - you hang in limbo for quite awhile until there's enough evidence to support leaving or staying.

Good luck! I'm happy I stayed - our relationship is stronger and more honest than it ever was before. But in the back of my mind I know that if he ever chooses to go down this path again it will be the end of our marriage. There's no longer the safety net of having a second chance - this is it.

Enough is enough depending on the individual, and how much they are willing to put up with, to try and save their marriage. There really is no knowing which path to take. It's not like the movie 'Sliding Doors' where you get to see what happens on both paths. I believe one will always wonder if they took the right path.

Staying depends on what you have invested in the marriage, and how remorseful your spouse appears to be. A lot of people stay for the sake of the children, or financial reasons. If you make a list of fors and againsts, it will be a start. There is also no guarantee that if you are lucky enough to find love again, that the same wont happen again. There are so many cheating people out there.

For me, the rebuilding will never end. There will never come the time when I will think, I forgive her. Because i wont. My wife's affairs were EAs. I think if they had been physical, I would have left. It is very difficult to know what to do. I am not happy, but I believe I would feel a lot worse if i had left.

I am in an almost identical situation to you normalguy. To make matters worse my CS and I are approaching our 10 yr anniversary next month. She never really put in the work of helping me properly heal and just wanted to forget it all ever happened. That was great for her but hasn't helped me much. Things are different for me now and I still struggle with whether to just bail or stay. The crazy thing is when she doesn't get some amazing present or what not this year for the milestone anniversary she's going to act like I did something wrong. It's a tough decision, but I have to keep telling myself no matter what kind of excuse/affair fog BS statement she makes to try to make this seem like I somehow "made her do it", in the end she decided to ruin our marriage, not me. I think you and I are both part of a big show to make them look like they are still the amazing people they think they are in their minds. I think we are part of a show.

ibivibiv,

I hope you are hanging in there..... This affair of my wife is giving me a hell of a training on mu emotion control. Right now, she has been trying to be the model housewife, even appears to be a victim sometimes (since i am not talking to her). The tough part is the kids, since she is a stay-at-home mom, the kids always want her when she is around. I am not asking to take the kids away from her, I am just asking for some blocks of time I can spend with my kids, but she is around all the time.

now she disabled my technology, so i have no way of tracking her. It seems like(don`t know whether it actually is) she is not contacting the other guy, but on her smartphone`s calender, she marked his birthday, and a date in 2027 when they promised to fly together in a small airplane.

It is so unfair...I am working hard to support the family, play with my kids, go over homework with them, I do not deserve all these!!!!!!!!!

Hey normalguy, I feel for you with the kids. I don't have any and I still have a ton of guilt with wanting to leave. I can't imagine what you are going through. It's just so confusing to see them try to be perfect, but then still hold on to their "other life" secretly. I would advice letting go of the "technology" thing. I finally just said to myself that I needed to make a decision. If I had to live the rest of my life using technology as a crutch to make sure she was being truthful then that was no life to live. Either I have to leave or just find a way to let go and trust again. In the meantime while you decide, sure technology might help you with some peace of mind, but what are you going to do if you find something again? Don't you already deep down know the answer to your questions? For me it's just about finding the strength to do what I know has to be done. Staying or leaving is hard work. Easier said than done right?

If she has calendar appointments about them that aren't deleted, that is a huge problem. If she's no longer being open about emails, phone and computer passwords, etc., that is a bad sign. That sounds to me like she still believes she is in love with him but is staying to 'do the right thing' and people who are staying to 'do the right thing' can't keep up the facade forever.

thinkaboutit, I think you are absolutely right. My wife is trying to be the best housewife at home, she started going to church now, going to MC, offer sex to me (before I shut myself from her),,, but on the other hand, she is marking her calender the OW's birthday,,are they going to do something?..I don't know, she is also marking her calender 26 Nov, 2027 which I know they're trying to meet up again!!

I totally find this phenomenon unreal, I don't think one can love two people at the same time. Not knowing I know what she marked down on her calender, I presume this is something she is doing straight from her heart, which means she is still deeply attached to the OW. Yes, she is asking me to go to MC with her but how can I reconcile when she is even planning something as far as 2027!!!!

If she was cheating with a man, it's OM.
If she was cheating with a woman it's OW.

Is your youngest out of the house in 2027? What's the significance of that year?