Im reconciling, only 6 months so far since D-day but we have a 1.5 year old son, and I felt I needed to try for him, so I can understand your wanting to try.
I think in some cases it sure can work out well, but things cannot just go back to how it was, things have to change and improve and the CS has to grow and change.
Theres a few rules that a CS needs to follow: taking full responsibility, no blaming, being honest about all what happened, not only about what they were caught. break every contact with AP and change jobs if it was at work (this is not an option, working with an AP is a no no). being remorseful and feel guilty, realizing the pain they caused. willing to work on themselves in individual counseling and going in couples therapy down the road. being an open book for as long as you need it, as in openness to all passwords, accounts, facebook, emails phone etc. no secrets. always telling you where they are and with who.

she needs to do all of that to even have a chance of reconciling, if not than don't waste your time. You cant change her, she needs to hit rock bottom and want to change.

I can see a tremendous maturity and growth in my CS, so far so good. the pain is still very much there for me, but Im slowly finding a peace and slowly letting leash that I have on him go a little, reconciling takes 2-5 years if all goes well.
For yourself I also recommend individual therapy, its very traumatic to be cheated on. down the road couples counseling to make the relationship stronger and better than before.

If she's doing all the above than if you have it in you its definitely worth giving it a few month and seeing if reconciliation is possible, actions speak louder than words. And no one would blame you if you cant forgive down the road and still leave. but like I said if she doesn't do all of the above than she's likely still cheating.

1 little thing concerns me, you say that you would have to tell your kids that their mom abandoned them. I do not know your situation, but she made a huge mistake and maybe your relationship wont survive, but you cant say that to kids that she abandoned them. she made a mistake, she doesn't abandone them (I hope??) I assume you would share custody and you need to find a way to be decent to each other in front of the kids in case things don't work out, the kids do not need to be traumatized more.
That said please remember, she was the one risking your kids future, not you, she cheated not you as long as you talk decent about their mom you are not the one causing them pain, that's all on her.

To answer the intimate question, that's different for all, we were intimate fast, but in retrospect it was likely just hysterical bonding. we are regular intimate since then though, but that is very different for every couple and also very dependant on their recovery actions.
forgive Im definitely not there yet, I hope to forgive one day but will never forget, I have no idea if and when I will forgive.
how to do it you ask, allow yourself to grieve, you just found out, there is the shock at first, than the trickling of the truth from the CS, than the anger phase for you and the "how could you"-phase, slowly the dust will settle, usually around 3-4 months the BS starts to slowly be able to see things a little clearer, this is also a nice time frame to revaluate if your spouse is working hard.
I don't feel the love for him yet, do I feel loved again, not as much as I would want to, betrayal crushes out self-esteem, so we need a lot and a lot of reinforcement that our CS loves us.

so is it worth it, I would say if she does all the things above, its worth it to try for your kids at least. if she doesn't do the above no its not worth it.
Good luck

Sorry you're here man. And I'm not sure I fit your qualifications either. My success story is a day by day story. It has been 12 weeks since my wife started to come clean and we are both still on the rollercoaster. We had a great afternoon yesterday and it all fell apart last night and ended after a 3 hour talk fest and here I am @ 2AM writing you a response. But still trying.

You are like me in some ways though. For me, I was willing to do what I had to do to try and keep my family together no matter what. The kids are our biggest job that we take on in life and giving them stability sometimes means sacrificing our principals and pride for their sake. It was the best reason I could think of to stay and try to work through all of this crap. My kids are older now but we have a new grandchild and I don't want him to be dealing with a split family either.

I may be a little different than you on the wife part though. My wife is trying and trying hard. She does show remorse and guilt and I think realizes how wrong she was all these years. If your wife hasn't come to that same position yet then she may not feel the remorse she should. Let's face it, she is the reason things are what they are in your house. Nobody else is to blame and that includes you.

As I said, it's a rollercoaster ride for sure and for us, it's the worst one we have been on and we have been on a few over the years. My guess is you have been married quite a while so as strange as it may sound, you probably know your wife very well. I know, we thought we did right? But you know her. You know what she is really like on the inside. If she is truly sorry then you can make the effort. What I found for the first couple of weeks was that my wife was on the defensive because she was caught. She was backed into a corner. Hell, the first week was still all lies.

You are going to go through mood swings like crazy. Know what your triggers are and watch out for them. You are going to spiral down that hole very easily and very quickly at times. Use the kids to pull yourself back out. I use my grandson and I have his picture for my screensaver. Try to stay busy so your mind can get a little break from it. Don't make decisions when you're in the hole. It's a dark place and not a good time to make snap decisions that will affect the rest of your life and that of your children.

Good luck. Check back with me in 3 more months and I'll let you know if I can call my story a success or if I'm in need of a wingman for Friday nights.
Stay well. Stay healthy.

1 . 5 years in from D-day of wife's ~2 year affair.

First point would be that she admitted the affair, confessed to work and got fired along with her affair partner. (religious non-profit)

This fulfilled two positive motivators for me to take her back. Confession rather than being caught (remorse) and no contact.

Son was 6 months old at the time of confession and part of the reason I let her stay was because of him.

She stopped using facebook/social media and provided passwords to phone/messaging apps.

She took full blame for her actions and suggested counseling for herself and as a couple.

Anything less than that and I would have told her to leave.

Ups and downs where horrible for the first 6 months but slowly improved after that time.

There was hysterical bonding immediately but that lasted probably 4 months or so.

Forgiveness is a process so there is no "point" of forgiveness but how far you have gone in not holding resentment.

It depends on many factors in terms of how hard she is working and your willingness and capacity to forgive. It also depends on the nature of the affair and how much wrong has been done and needs to be forgiven.

Ie. A one night stand vs a long term affair? Where there diseases passed on? Are there illegitimate kids?

Your question of if reconciliation is worth it is subjective to each individual.

Personally, I am the main income earner, young enough, and can find someone new. I can start new and not really be behind most guys my age in terms of starting a family.

However, I have a 2 year old son who would be best served with a functional and stable family environment.

If my wife hadn't taken the steps she did to become a decent human being (which she is working at daily), I would told her to leave.

In a holistic view given my particular circumstances it is worth it. Sacrificing a new start for my son and to give my wife a second chance is a choice that benefits those most within my sphere of responsibility.

While it may not bring me the most instant gratification it is what will bring the most joy in a utilitarian sense.

My temporary happiness should not cost those around me deep and long lasting suffering, (even though my wife would truly be responsible for this)

Divorcing in my situation would be exactly what my wife did by trading her vows for an experience that now only brings her shame and regret.

I was the (female) CS and am still married 2+ years after my affair. We are doing pretty well. When I was caught, I was quite emotionally invested in my affair and had trouble shaking my rationalizations (which were all the usual ones). I didn't end all contact with my AP for about 6 months, although it was certainly tapering off as reality set in. My H and I never lived apart. We got into discernment counseling about 3-4 months after discovery, which cleared my head and gave both of us perspective about where we were and where we could choose to go. We both opted for reconciliation, and I never spoke to my AP again.

I generally believe it's not ideal to make a decision about divorce or reconciliation when the BS is in shock and devastated and the CS is in a panic, defensive, or mired in a pit of shame. That said, I know some BS are in favor of instant divorce filing, and that is absolutely a valid choice. You have to protect yourself, but you can follow your own timeline.

One challenge I am having, is that they still kinda work together. They work at a local Rec Center, where my kids and I love to come and work out and socialize. This is also where the affair took place. I have asked him to quit, but doubt he really will. I asked that we find a way for them to never work a shift together so we are still working that part out. This all only happened 11 days ago.
4 days after D-Day, she was even offered a promotion.
Is it possible for the CS to keep working where she had the affair, and where he is still working, for now. Even if he does eventually quit, he will still be coming in to work out.
I am troubled by her attitude in acting like things are just good there at her workplace, because she has made the decision not to do this again, she says. She says she will quit if I ask her too, and yet she pushes back some when I point out my concerns of her there. She doesn't get it. At this point in the game, how in the world can I believe anything she says she will do or not do??
We have been married almost 12 years and have 3 young kids. If she quits, its a somewhat significant impact on our finances, and our family overall. No other job she gets will have a built-in child care that can take our kids between our jobs until I can pick them up at times.
Aside from these details, I am looking for, is it ok for her to continue working there? Should I learn to be ok with it and just accept it?

I don't see how it is possible for them to continue working together after having an affair. It is not good for any of you. It will interfere with your path forward. She might not be realizing the severity of what she has done yet.

It's up to you two if she quits today or just starts aggressively looking for a new position, but I think it's critical one of them leaves.

No contact is non-negotiable. Exposure usually what allows this to happen as no workplace would stand for something like this.

My wife and her affair partner were fired once they found out.

If she stays in the job and in contact the cheating will continue. Cheater's lack self and emotional control. It's like having a alcoholic working in a bar.

I know you want to protect your children but at the same time being a "white knight" protecting everyone from your wife's actions doesn't allow her to take responsibility for her own actions and can enable her to continue down the same path.

Right now obviously she is untrustworthy and one day there may be a measure of trust restored but this will only after your wife owns up to her actions, works hard on building character, and proving over time that she has changed and has been open/honest.

I agree the no contact is non-negotiable. It's just odd that she seems so quick a ready to just move past this issue. Her quitting has a significant impact on the whole family. We love being there. It's never been about the money from her part time job, although it has certainly been helpful.

Because I see her attitude as being "i've made the decision not to do this again so it's going to be just fine," part feels like she is sorely missing the point, if not even totally remorseful and appologetic.

The hope and prayer here, is that he quits, liked I asked him to. yes, I was there when she came clean to him, so we were able to have a "discussion". Cool and calm, even though I was raging on the inside.

I asked that he quit, and he said it would take some time but would seek out another job. But certainly, I can't force him, without coming clean to the GM and getting them both fired.

It's almost too easy for my wife, as it appears to me, like she comes out of this somewhat unscathed. Not much changes except the pain and turmoil at home. That, and supposedly the sex and contact has stopped too. It's weird, cause I feel like she should face some real consequences, but forcing her to quit her job affects me and the kids, significantly. Even I have some work that is starting to carry over and build partnerships there. Her quitting could really squash all of that.

Our friends don't know anything. Only my dad, and her parents, and our therapists. I don't want to inflict pain, but I am troubled with the idea of no punishment at the same time. How do you work through this thought process?

I think she's being delusional, probably because she just got caught. I assume she is usually a person with a conscience (before her affair)? If not, that is a whole different story.

You could tell her that you cannot consider staying married to her if she and her AP still work together or have any contact. You could tell her that you are truly considering divorce, which would mean uprooting the kids and totally changing the household structure. You could tell her you don't know if you will be able to forgive her. See if it brings her back to reality.

Very simple answer NO they can't work together. Tgats absolutely non negotiable.
Your wife ckearly doesn't get at all the gravity of her actions. For her to even say to you I will quit if you ask me too shows she diesmtvrrally want to quit and makes you feel bad for asking. This is a no brainer. She ruined the right toveork there by having an affair. If she was renorsefull she would have quit without asking you if she has to quit.
She surely cannot have changed that quick. How can she say after 11 days tgat she won't cheat again if the juicy bone is still dangling in front if het fave every day (as she's working with him) and why do either of you give this AP even any power by hoping he's quits.
She needs therapy. She can't just become a non cheater without eirking in het issues. As long as they wirk together how could you ever be sure nothing is going on why torture yourself. There's more wirk out places to go too.

I felt like you did- I swallowed my pride and desperatley tried to work on our marriage. Had sex sooner than I wanted to try to make him happy and bond. Was willing to put aside my morals and pride for my child's stability. He just would not let go of his mistress and kepy lying for months. I realize that he does not want to work on us and is willing to sacrifice our child's stability and comfort for his own selfish needs. Please, if here is any contact and a single lie- do not waste your time. I spent over 6 months in misery just hoping he would really try and here I am alone. Look at affair recovery on You Tube. I thought that was very helpful to get into the mind of the cheater and what the betrayed should do. I am grieving now and the rejection can be more than I can bear at times. Things could have been fixed. There was so much more good than bad in our marriage- how could he throw it away so easily and feel nothing? Then there is the other side of me that says- she can have him and his cheating and selfish ways. The fantasy will wear off and he will realize too late and be miserable and karma will be sweet. I wish you all the best and pray she really comes to terms with what she has done and does the right thing.

we did stay together - he was addicted to websites back in 2007, which turned into 2 infidelities, and some weird experiments into S&M and Subs & Doms. WHATEVER! he cried, we cried, but I couldn't leave, and I stuffed everything under the proverbial rug, and we moved house, and moved on. then in 2010 he became disabled, multiple concussions, and was taken away from me to a sort of legal rehab situation, 9 months later he was back, and we're still trying again. I love our life, we have a great place, and are great friends, but the physical side of our relationship has suffered, whether through my menopause, or a combination of betrayal and meno. I'm not sure. now i'll never leave, and sometimes I wonder if I should have left when I had the chance. You have to do what your gut tells you to do. even though I lost MANY good friends when I chose to stay with him, and support him, obviously they thought he was disgusting, and sometimes I wish I did too. sometimes you have to dig deeper and deeper to find what makes you want to be together. he's done with his infidelities I know that, its just a daily struggle to forget everything that's gone under that bridge between us. Forgive - no problems, forget - not a chance. I can't.

An update:
I am trying really hard to work through all this and work it out together. It's only been 12 days, and it is really hard to see through the fog. Some moments are better than others, and days better than others. I find that when I am away from my wife, at work for example, my mind wanders a dark path and it is hard to both stay focused and positive.
At our counseling this morning, we decided together, finally, that she needs to quit her job. It is not a safe place for her. This is not easy as my kids and I loved going in to play and workout and there will be some financial impact for some time.
This really sucks on many different levels. But we will try to push through it all. It's just hard understanding all of this and why it happened this way.
Everyone's feedback and support has been appreciated. Because of the anonymity here I feel more comfortable sharing. And I see where most of you have gone through the same issues yourself, and that gives me some hope.
Hope is really all I have to work with at this point.

That's a very good and positive move. Her quiting. As long as she's working there of course your mind goes crazy when your at work/away from her. Tgat worry at work will slowly fade once she quits and once she starts showing her good intentions. 12 days is so short. The fog will stay for a bit but it will get better with time. Hang in there.