Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
I don't post here too often and I reply only here and there, but I am on Dailystrength every single day LEARNING from all your posts and replies.
I guess not many of you will know my story because I am not that active. I am married to a husband with a foot fetish. Not a severe one (I've studied foot fetish to the core-believe me). Some people's fetishes are so bad they can not function AT ALL without foot stimulation.
So I didn't know about fetishes... I knew of them but not about it. Many years after we were married and got more comfortable with each other, my husband told me he loved me feet. WOW! I loved that... He started caressing my feet and massaging them and sometimes would poke a little kiss on my toes. In m retarded mind I thought it was the most beautiful humbling thing... (just like Jesus's feet were washed in the bible)... As years passed footplay often got into our sexlife (which yet again to me was the most special thing ever) My husband said he literally loved me from HEAD to TOE! How romantic is THAT?!
So for many blissful years of marriage I was under the impression that my husband loved me from head to TOE. Never knew about a foot fetish, just thought my special husband loved me so specially that he even loved my FEET!
After many years of me living with this lie that made me so happy, I found out about my husband's foot fetish and can you BELIEVE I can be SO dumb that I never picked up on it?!!! Not until I found out he had been flirting with another woman's feet! My walls came crushing down, shock to the system etc. Well of course in the same time he also had an affair, so that is why I am actually on dailystrength in the first place.
We have been doing great in recovery of the affair and throughout all the revelations and discussions I also found out that for years my husband have been ogling other women's feet and coming home and masturbating with pictures of their feet and shoes in his head.
So now that my husband apparently "understands" the hurt it causes me when he ogles other women's feet/shoes, he said he doesn't want to ever do it again. To me, every time he looks at another women's feet, it feels like he is cheating on me all over again.
So we have been going in circles with this subject that is causing an emotional roller coaster for me and doing absolutely nothing for my self esteem.
He has been doing everything in his power to save our marriage and lived up to being open and honest. All his accounts are open to me, his email, his facebook... everything. He truly loves me, I do believe and I love him. He does not want to lose me, I can see that. So basically he has "excelled" in every other area of rebuilding... more than most of the stories I have read on the different groups.
The only thing that we seem to not be able to get passed is the foot thing. Everytime we are in public and a foot situation arises he has many tall tail stories to explain it away, literally believing himself. I catch him looking repeatedly and everytime there is an excuse. The last one was the tip of the ice berg. The previous one he explained himself out of and I had to believe his words in stead of what my eyes clearly SAW. I chose to believe his story. This time around we were having lunch together. It was friggin fabulous going out with him since it is winter and everybody is wearing boots (or so I thought). Well we were sitting across from each other. He took his glasses off because he was reading something on his phone. then we talked and laughed and I kept seeing his eyes move from my face to behind me on the floor. The first time I thought he just saw a lady that walked past us, then he did it again and again, until I couldn't ignore it anymore, so I turned around to see what in hell he couldn't keep his eyes off of. WELL, there was a girl/lady wearing flats and her feet was out of the flats revealing her bare foot! I looked at him in astonishment and said YOU are looking at her feet!
So this is what happened. He told me he wasn't looking at her feet. he knew she was there and saw the feet, but decided not to look at it at all. So he took his glasses off which made him NOT able to make out her feet since he can't see so far without his glasses. So in his mind because he couldn't SEE her feet, he did absolutely nothing wrong... He is completely innocent. No matter how I explain to him rationally that I would not have even known she was there if it was not for his eyes going there repeatedly. He sticks to his guns and will not at all even see my logic. He just claims to be innocent and not being able to prove it. Then on top of it all, he uses previous non related situations where I didn't trust him but he got proof to show me the truth. Telling me that "I" can perceive things wrongly and it has been proved in the past. So basically he who has lied to me over and over for for years, having an affair for a year, and ogling women's feet and masturbating to them for God only knows how many years of our marriage, is now cured from this and it is ALL in my imagination.
I KNOW that I am split in a ghazillion pieces. If he gets cured from his foot fetish all together, I will feel like yet another thing has been stolen from me. Something that I guess was stolen anyway the day I found out. if he doesn't get cured then this will be my life for the next 30 years. So either I have to find a way to accept this, or I can't see us every being fully happy and in love. There will always be a white elephant in the room which will prevent us from being spiritually, and emotionally close. I have to make a choice of some sorts but can't seem to see strait, so I hope if anybody can suffer through this very LOOOONG story that you can shed some light from an outsider's perspective.... I will appreciate it so much.
I guess not many of you will know my story because I am not that active. I am married to a husband with a foot fetish. Not a severe one (I've studied foot fetish to the core-believe me). Some people's fetishes are so bad they can not function AT ALL without foot stimulation.
So I didn't know about fetishes... I knew of them but not about it. Many years after we were married and got more comfortable with each other, my husband told me he loved me feet. WOW! I loved that... He started caressing my feet and massaging them and sometimes would poke a little kiss on my toes. In m retarded mind I thought it was the most beautiful humbling thing... (just like Jesus's feet were washed in the bible)... As years passed footplay often got into our sexlife (which yet again to me was the most special thing ever) My husband said he literally loved me from HEAD to TOE! How romantic is THAT?!
So for many blissful years of marriage I was under the impression that my husband loved me from head to TOE. Never knew about a foot fetish, just thought my special husband loved me so specially that he even loved my FEET!
After many years of me living with this lie that made me so happy, I found out about my husband's foot fetish and can you BELIEVE I can be SO dumb that I never picked up on it?!!! Not until I found out he had been flirting with another woman's feet! My walls came crushing down, shock to the system etc. Well of course in the same time he also had an affair, so that is why I am actually on dailystrength in the first place.
We have been doing great in recovery of the affair and throughout all the revelations and discussions I also found out that for years my husband have been ogling other women's feet and coming home and masturbating with pictures of their feet and shoes in his head.
So now that my husband apparently "understands" the hurt it causes me when he ogles other women's feet/shoes, he said he doesn't want to ever do it again. To me, every time he looks at another women's feet, it feels like he is cheating on me all over again.
So we have been going in circles with this subject that is causing an emotional roller coaster for me and doing absolutely nothing for my self esteem.
He has been doing everything in his power to save our marriage and lived up to being open and honest. All his accounts are open to me, his email, his facebook... everything. He truly loves me, I do believe and I love him. He does not want to lose me, I can see that. So basically he has "excelled" in every other area of rebuilding... more than most of the stories I have read on the different groups.
The only thing that we seem to not be able to get passed is the foot thing. Everytime we are in public and a foot situation arises he has many tall tail stories to explain it away, literally believing himself. I catch him looking repeatedly and everytime there is an excuse. The last one was the tip of the ice berg. The previous one he explained himself out of and I had to believe his words in stead of what my eyes clearly SAW. I chose to believe his story. This time around we were having lunch together. It was friggin fabulous going out with him since it is winter and everybody is wearing boots (or so I thought). Well we were sitting across from each other. He took his glasses off because he was reading something on his phone. then we talked and laughed and I kept seeing his eyes move from my face to behind me on the floor. The first time I thought he just saw a lady that walked past us, then he did it again and again, until I couldn't ignore it anymore, so I turned around to see what in hell he couldn't keep his eyes off of. WELL, there was a girl/lady wearing flats and her feet was out of the flats revealing her bare foot! I looked at him in astonishment and said YOU are looking at her feet!
So this is what happened. He told me he wasn't looking at her feet. he knew she was there and saw the feet, but decided not to look at it at all. So he took his glasses off which made him NOT able to make out her feet since he can't see so far without his glasses. So in his mind because he couldn't SEE her feet, he did absolutely nothing wrong... He is completely innocent. No matter how I explain to him rationally that I would not have even known she was there if it was not for his eyes going there repeatedly. He sticks to his guns and will not at all even see my logic. He just claims to be innocent and not being able to prove it. Then on top of it all, he uses previous non related situations where I didn't trust him but he got proof to show me the truth. Telling me that "I" can perceive things wrongly and it has been proved in the past. So basically he who has lied to me over and over for for years, having an affair for a year, and ogling women's feet and masturbating to them for God only knows how many years of our marriage, is now cured from this and it is ALL in my imagination.
I KNOW that I am split in a ghazillion pieces. If he gets cured from his foot fetish all together, I will feel like yet another thing has been stolen from me. Something that I guess was stolen anyway the day I found out. if he doesn't get cured then this will be my life for the next 30 years. So either I have to find a way to accept this, or I can't see us every being fully happy and in love. There will always be a white elephant in the room which will prevent us from being spiritually, and emotionally close. I have to make a choice of some sorts but can't seem to see strait, so I hope if anybody can suffer through this very LOOOONG story that you can shed some light from an outsider's perspective.... I will appreciate it so much.
If so, then he's not the first person to have this; and there is a solution out there. You just have to find it.
Make him wear one of those dog shock collars, and every time he looks at a woman's feet - shock him!
Try to remove yourself fromnthe situation and see whatvyou think?
All I can offer is support on this one because this is a totally different breed of cheating. I don't see a way to avoid feet.
But shocking him with a collar was hilarious. But with the way you describe you husband he will have brain damage by the time the first week of spring is over.
So he's got a thing for feet. I'd be more upset that he couldn't keep it in his pants.
Many people have kinks- leather, rubber, food, underwear... A healthy relationship could capitalize on it and you could support it.
Why is this more upsetting to you that him cheating?
It sounds like this is more about your ego than anything else.
I am sorry, seems like this is upseting to you - but maybe you need to stop dwelling so much on what gets your man going and what moves him sexually - or do you think he's really just in lust with YOU from head to toe? - Some of these stories worry me sometime. And please, get out there in the summer and enjoy life - you are either obsessing too much or there is more that "FEET" to this whole story.
I've had this thing for pretty female feet for as long as I can remember but kept it a secret for more than 12 years into our marriage. When I finally revealed my deepest secret to her she happily accepted it, fully believing that it was HER feet only that turned me on. We were married for 19 years when I had the affair which lasted for about 7-8 months. It was during the turbulent period after the affair was discovered that she figured out that I also liked to ogle other women's feet (assuming they were pretty) with lustful intent. This was yet another betrayal to her and I can fully understand why she feels that way. The worst thing to me is seeing the indescribable pain in her pretty eyes every day. She smiles at the world but her eyes still show the pain. The mere thought of going somewhere with me now creates an enormous anxiety in her as a result of her fear that there might be women wearing sexy shoes there...
I have promised her to stop ogling other women's feet and I intend to do this by focusing 100% of my attention on her and her only. She is my soulmate and the love of my life and I cannot let this bullshit destroy both our lives because I love her with all my heart. For some or other strange reason she still loves me too...
So, musclegirl, I do believe that there might still be hope for that husband of yours. If he TRULY cares about you he WILL find a way to stop his BS.
It sounds to me like the affair got tied in with the foot fetish somehow, whether in actuality or just mentally. I'm pretty sure there have been instances where people on this board have felt triggered when they catch their cheating husband staring at another woman's breasts or when a cheating wife is caught checking out another man. This situation is no different. It's a trigger that this betrayed spouse now has to deal with, and that is hard for all of us, so I don't think saying to get over it is the solution.
That said, muscle girl - how much time has lapsed since the affair? Do you think this is something that, with time, you can get used to? I mean, I know for me - if I caught my husband checking out another woman right now, I'd probably punch him, and have a lot of the same misgivings that you are having over the foot fetish conduct your husband is displaying. But there's a rational part of me too that says "men are men" - by and large, they like checking out attractive women, and let's face it, sometimes we like to check out attractive women too!
What if you confront this fear head on by joining him in checking out women's feet?? I know it seems really outlandish given how much pain it causes you to witness his behavior right now. But what if, when sandal season rolls around, you both go to a park or the mall or something together and look at feet together?? Comment how much you like a girl's ankles or toe ring or pedicure make it fun maybe that way you can reclaim this type of intimacy with your husband instead of having to cut it off altogether.
I hope that suggestion doesn't seem crazy or insensitive, it's just the only thing I could think of that would let you "own" his foot fetish once again without having to get rid of something you once enjoyed with him.
Best wishes musclegirl :)
Ugh. Feet don't turn me on whatsoever.