Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
I have no idea if this is going to help any BS out there or not but I wanted to put my thoughts down on this.
My STBX is a major follower I am a major alpha male and leader. We are pretty much opposites which worked well for us for 10 years of marriage before her A and then jump into crazytown with her new alpha male 10 years older AP who by her friends and families admission that her AP controls her. Not sure now where all the stands because this has now gone on for a year and I have checked out by all accounts with my new GF and divorce finalizing in a couple of months (thank god).
What I have realized is that I could have kept her so to speak we could have kept going the route we were going - her being a major follower but I think at some point I started sub consciously get sick of being the leader and sole provider / solution maker / responsible one all the time. I needed her to step up and not put all the pressure of everything on me all the time.
With work and bills pilling up her lack of creating or planning anything (date wise) anything wise actually I went off into my hobbies of fishing, soccer, lacrosse the boys and she choose to go off and find someone who thought she was perfect and awesome in just about everyway the awesome guy with game she used her escape pod of responsibility of stepping up and jumped into Affair Town/Crazytown.
Again, she wanted attention romance/passion those were her reasons - I wanted someone who would help the family through difficult times and buckle down with me to get through the lows (the good times/bad times) not a fair weather friend/wife.
I would have never had cheated because I know what devastation that would do to the family unit.
In summary, I think that if I would have maintained a total leader position total alpha male position the affair most likely wouldnt have happened but I cant maintain leading someone who should be my partner in life and not another child I have to take care of and think for (her AP can do that now/have fun). I am not sure if anyone else is/was in the same situation.
This all came to light when I saw my STBX at my youngest sons soccer game last night her trying to look all sexy but in the same manner helpless and pathetic. I just remember being the leader all the time and trying to get her to help make decisions. Was she a ticking time bomb yes. Is this a healthy relationship no. Does she repulse me every time I see her now yes.
My STBX is a major follower I am a major alpha male and leader. We are pretty much opposites which worked well for us for 10 years of marriage before her A and then jump into crazytown with her new alpha male 10 years older AP who by her friends and families admission that her AP controls her. Not sure now where all the stands because this has now gone on for a year and I have checked out by all accounts with my new GF and divorce finalizing in a couple of months (thank god).
What I have realized is that I could have kept her so to speak we could have kept going the route we were going - her being a major follower but I think at some point I started sub consciously get sick of being the leader and sole provider / solution maker / responsible one all the time. I needed her to step up and not put all the pressure of everything on me all the time.
With work and bills pilling up her lack of creating or planning anything (date wise) anything wise actually I went off into my hobbies of fishing, soccer, lacrosse the boys and she choose to go off and find someone who thought she was perfect and awesome in just about everyway the awesome guy with game she used her escape pod of responsibility of stepping up and jumped into Affair Town/Crazytown.
Again, she wanted attention romance/passion those were her reasons - I wanted someone who would help the family through difficult times and buckle down with me to get through the lows (the good times/bad times) not a fair weather friend/wife.
I would have never had cheated because I know what devastation that would do to the family unit.
In summary, I think that if I would have maintained a total leader position total alpha male position the affair most likely wouldnt have happened but I cant maintain leading someone who should be my partner in life and not another child I have to take care of and think for (her AP can do that now/have fun). I am not sure if anyone else is/was in the same situation.
This all came to light when I saw my STBX at my youngest sons soccer game last night her trying to look all sexy but in the same manner helpless and pathetic. I just remember being the leader all the time and trying to get her to help make decisions. Was she a ticking time bomb yes. Is this a healthy relationship no. Does she repulse me every time I see her now yes.
I just recently read on a CS thread that they're spouse was more like their child (like you thought of your wife) and that CS was the cheater because of a " a loss of respect".
There are some things that my spouse takes the lead on and some things I take the lead on. We both make an equal amount of money from our respective jobs. Three years ago I would've said we're partners but since the cheating not so much.
Don't think that makes it any clearer but I still firmly stand in the wcamp that " they do what they do cuz they want what they want" When I remind myself of that I don't much care anymore.
A year out - And these thoughts pop into my head - that hopefully at some point I will just close the door to this all and possibly be a source of how to fully get away from a crazytown person.
That is my ultimate goal.
Just last night I was talking with H, again, about his inclination to leave all the decisions and planning (social, wellness, financial, parenting, etc) up to me. It leaves all the pressure on me so I'm frequently stressed, while he enjoys never having to risk being blamed for anything. He works at whatever makes him happy for a year or two, then starts at entry level at the next dream job, and it's up to me to to figure out how to makes ends meet from there, while working around his schedule. Anything beyond securing that paycheck is not his problem and he doesn't worry about it at all. He totally trusts me to make it work one way or another.
Ironically, though, after leaving it all on my plate, he likes to accuse me of being a control freak. With so many details to manage, coming up too much short of control freak would leave us living in chaos.