Infidelity Support Group

Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...

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/ Infidelity Support Group

first time

pinkrose28
pinkrose28
I have posted in other groups but this is the first time for me posting here.

Some background info on me:

I am 28 years old and I have been in 2 major relationships. The first one started at a very young age. I met him when I was only 15 but we got engaged when I was 21. He cheated on me the entire year we were engaged with the same woman. We both actively planned our wedding did an engagement photo shoot. We had set a date for our wedding and about a month before it he let me know he would not be marrying me. That he had fallen in love with someone else. I truly did not take this well at all. I never truly got over the hurt from this betrayal. The most humiliating thing was having to tell all my friends and family about this situation. I did my best to get by but my self esteem was totally gone, I felt so worthless, I blamed myself for him leaving. I eventually met someone else that I was with for 2 years. This relationship also ended very badly. I feel I am incapable of being in a normal healthy relationship. I am so afraid to loose someone that I will let myself be emotionally abused so I don't "ruffle any feathers" . I never stand up for myself because I am so scared whoever I am with will leave me. I am always waiting for something to end because I have never found my own self worth or value again since my engagement ended. everyone says you have to work on yourself but how is it that I learn to get over so many of the things that happened in the past. How do I not allow that to carry over into a new relationship. I have been to a few therapists but I haven't really found anyone who was a good fit. I want to learn how to trust someone again but with more self respect and value for myself. Is it possible that you can stay so broken from a past event that I never heals?
refurb
refurb
start with being able to trust yourself
anyone trustworthy is worthy of love
if you are not trustworthy...become it
sarah2220
sarah2220
Possibly what you need now is to find your sense of self. The best way to do this is to remain unattached for a while, while you cultivate new friends, interests, etc. There is a thing online called meetups, where you can find friends that have similar interests, etc. Join some of these groups in your area--these are not dating groups, just people who want to share common interests and they are fun! They have activities that are geared toward learning and just enjoying life. You will meet all sorts of people in these groups. Find something you are good at, find friends who support and care for you. Concentrate on building a happy life without a man for a while. The thing is, that if you do this, you will gain more of a sense of self, and you will learn to place less value on the failures of your romantic relationships and more on your own confidence. Then when the right man comes along, that man will not be the center of your life, and you will be able to focus more on being the chooser than the choosed and therefore more likely to choose the right person.
sarah2220
sarah2220
Seriously---choosed??? I meant chosen! LOL
Cole50
Cole50
Another means of gaining self-esteem is to take the "self" out of it, and esteem others. As our Declaration of Independence says, all of us are created equal, that is equal value. We too often place our value as a person in the good or bad we've done or has been done to us. While no one likes to be disrespected by another because they aren't viewing you as someone of value, but to be used for selfish purposes, it doesn't diminish your real value as a person deserving respect.

Bad self-esteem tends to come about by focusing on "self": how people have treated you, how others think about you, how you've failed in times past, your physical "flaws," etc. Once your mind isn't focusing on yourself, but as part of humanity and respecting/loving others, while things like this may make you feel bad and even some trauma, it doesn't change who you are: a person just as important and valuable as anyone else. Nothing/no one can really take that away from you unless you let them.
overwhelmednc
overwhelmednc
Pinkrose: I can relate to a lot of what you posted. First of all, it takes a lot of courage and strength to be able to look at oneself and admit to areas that need personal work--Brava! Secondly, a book that I found very insightful and helpful is Women Who Love Too Much. I recently read it and am thinking about reading it again soon. I agree w/ what Cole50 said, as well. Take time for yourself. I do not pretend to be an expert in self-respect or strength. (If you read my journal entries and posts, you will know why.) However, I know that I have--and am--growing, even if only a little at a time. Take care of yourself and know that as you grow you will attract better potential partners--and be able to eliminate those who exhibit Red Flags. Love and peace to you.