How Can This Be ... I think that a lot of people say the words "I forgive you", however may not have done so internally. I think that you being able to accomplish forgiveness internally is wonderful. You will say it if/when you feel comfortable.

I love that you took quick action and the arrangements to go to her. That's awsome. I think that's the best reaction to an A I've seen yet.

Good for you and your level head

Often CSs are at a loss as to why they did it as well. Which is why most of them should be in counseling to figure out what was going wrong with them that they allowed it to happen. Too many of them think, "I shouldn't have done that. I'll just make sure it doesn't happen again." But since they never discovered what it was they failed to do that didn't prevent it the first time, they are likely to repeat.

That's like throwing stop-leak into a radiator. Once it stops leaking, do you say, "Oh good. It stopped. I'll just keep going this way in hopes it won't leak again." No, you take it to a mechanic at the first opportunity and get the hole fixed. Being too lazy to look for the hole and get it fixed won't solve the underlying problem.

But CSs have a lot of motivation to run from that process because they don't want to acknowledge and face the fact they were capable of doing this. It is a painful process to look for the holes and fix them. Some people can't bring themselves to do that, or fight the process, even in the face of losing what they consider to be important to them. Much easier to refuse to look, and just say, "I don't know."

Know also that there is no reason he can give you that will make you think, "Oh, of course. I should have seen that. I totally get why he cheated." That's because his decision was based on emotional desires that took on addictive qualities rather than a logical, rational, thought out process. Bottom line, he was tempted and he gave in. Finding out why he gave in is the key to fixing it. He either cooperates in discovering that and addressing it, or he's likely to end up losing you or existing in a broken marriage because you've never had a basis upon which to rebuild trust that it won't happen again.

It will take some work on both your parts. Hope he comes through on it.

One idea. If you can convince him to read something, have him read the short book, "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald. If he's not a reader, Amazon has an audio version of it. If he's serious about wanting to rebuild and not get another airline ticket, that book will give him the perspective and tools to do what the title says. I have no affiliation with the author or publishing company. Just first time we read it, we were both nodding our heads because a lot of it is what my wife did to rebuild is in that book. Currently at 3.75 years since dday (discovery day).

Like a boss!!!!!!
You are amazing! After this performance, i don't think you have much to worry about . He is going to be terrified to step out of line again.
Good job!!!!

Excuse me, but WHY is your husband in a "support" group and not you? What does he need support for? at July 2015 we will be 5 years post D-day. In the first year he also had to go to AA, because he also turned into an alcoholic during the time the affair was going on. So let me tell you about AA. It is a WONDERFUL place to help recovering alcoholics, but most alcoholics are DIVORCED, so what "I" was stuck with, was a bunch of divorced, recovered alcoholic women hitting on my husband. So plans had to change. He either went to all MENS meatings or if it was a mixed group, I went with him. So I'm asking you, what exactly is this support group for (and I don't care if it is christian - divorced women in churches also hit on my husband). Regarding the "good enough". it is NOT your job to make him feel good enough.... good enough for what? He obviously thinks he is good enough if he actually is staying and accepting you will stay with HIM. He needs to PROVE to YOU that he is good enough for you to stay... It is not your job to make him feel ANYTHING! Tell him the FIRST STEP to recovery of any kind is PURE BRUTAL 100% HONESTY. If he is not sharing stuff with you or giving you answers you need, he is not being honest, and REBUILDING can not take place without honesty and HARD work which starts with him. I think as the CS (cheating spouse) he has had enough of someone making him feel "good enough". It is time for him to make you feel like you are the ONLY person in his realm and that he would die for you. Support group is fine IF you both go. Good luck. Reconciling is like recovery. You are in it for the rest of your life. The moment you stop working at it, your marriage is basically over. It will get better, but it never ever ever goes away.

Once again, great advice Musclegirl.

Hello to those of you who have sent wonderful comments recently. I took a brief break from completely focusing on the A over Christmas. My CS and I have had a couple of necessary discussions because this is the first Christmas since the A. He has had a lot of awareness about how different this Christmas season would have been if I had made the choice to not give him a second chance. Second chances was the topic of discussion with our MC during our second session. She wanted to know what I would do should it become clear that my CS was having another A or continuing with the same one. I told her that I would end our relationship. She wanted to know if I was strong enough, and wanted to make it clear to my H that there is not a third chance...this is the ONLY chance. It is clear to me and my H that I would have absolutely no other choice than to end our relationship should he cheat again. Our MC told him that if she should find out at any time that he was cheating that our couples counseling would end immediately, and that the focus would be on me getting through a divorce.

Response to musclegirl is that I didn't provide complete details regarding my situation, because like all of us it would have been a very long novel. My CS attends all-male support groups that are helpful to his healing from horrible abuse that he suffered from as a child. The A has shined a spotlight on that issue, and fortunately he has some best-practice resources available to him in Southern California. He is completely committed to doing whatever is necessary to work towards my healing, his healing, and our relationship's healing. My role is not to be his therapist, spend my time making him feel better, etc. My role however is to acknowledge what he does to assist my healing and our relationship's. His roles are too numerous to list here, because the lion's share of the work does lie with him.

I don't attend a support group, because unfortunately the ones that are currently available are women who are focused mostly on the anger and leaving the relationship. I was excited to find this group and to receive some excellent feedback. I am fortunate because I am a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and have a colleague and a personal friend who are completely honest, non-judgmental, and supportive of my healing. Neither of them have been through an A, so there is not a complete understanding from a personal perspective of what I am going through. Being a Social Worker does not help with a number of the issues that I am currently experiencing...the hit to my self esteem primarily...but, it does assist me in reaching out to get support when I need it.

Our MC has a very specialized practice in working with those who are in church leadership positions and are working through an affair. Unfortunately she is very busy. Musclegirl is correct, being a Christian does not make you immune to affairs. In fact as those who are in leadership positions in the church, the attack on us seems to be a little greater. There are a lot of people who take great delight in seeing us fall, and our families fall apart.

Cole...I can't thank you enough for your wisdom and perspective. In fact I read your comments to my H and he said that you are "right on" and "respects what you had to say". We are going to get the book that you recommend and read it together. Thanks so very much!

Happy New Year to all of you!!

I'm coming in to your thread late in the game but a great big Bravo for how you handled the situation :)

If I could go back and redo my D Day I would have taken control and forced him to live with his other woman.

I'm 3 years out and I still struggle, but I'm stronger now and finally at peace with the past. I'm content with my decision to stay and our marriage is stronger because of it. Hang in there and stay strong, it gets better.

I am so sorry to hear this, I first hand know how this feels, it was done to me via facebook, my H met up with an old school mate from way back, he left me for her 5 years ago, although I moved on and healed from that I later met a wonderful man who loves me more then I can imagine, treats me like gold, until...I found out he was talking to a female, I got the text message on his phone one day when I was holding it for him, and I pretended it was him texting instead of me, she made it clear it was a friendship (still not knowing it was me) but may it also clear that they spoke a lot, everyday, then lost touch with each others months ago, this friendship with her lasted a couple of months, His reason was, he and I fought over something that was easy to resolve between us, it was something that I admit that hurt him deeply, I didnt realize that it affected him and it was wrong of me but instead of coming to me he seeked a total stranger to discuss what he was feeling towards our problems...we almost broke up but managed to stay together, after many nights talking it through. Now........I don't trust him anymore, I cringe when he gets a text message or call, I have knots in my stomach when he doenst pick up or answer me right away. This has pushed me over the edge.
Although we are not married, we live together and together we made big bill and I can not afford it without him, I want to forget what happen, but it haunts me over and over everyday, I don't know how much more I can take this way of living. He is so sorry, and so am I for trusting another man in my life. I wish I had an answer for you guys, if I did, I wouldnt be on here discussing this, lets just be there for each other.

I am new here, please help me out, add me and I will try to add u, hope I am doing this right,

To add more, he did this twice...and the most recent time was last month, he admitted he not only talk to one female, he had 3 he spoke to,