WOW!
That is quite a story!! You are a strong woman. Bravo for taking the initiative.

As for where you are now, I get it. I am in a similar position. My H has never really given me the answers I need. He'll hold his head and moan and groan if I ask questions. While he has accepted ownership of it all, says it was a huge mistake, he just won't take the next step and tell me what I need to know.

I'd love to know how to change this, too. I think it has to do with these cheaters protecting themselves, maybe their AP, too. I just don't know. My H uses the excuse that it will take us backwards. I will find
the information hurtful.

What I have been doing is checking his phone periodically for my peace of mind. Asking my H to do more for me. And doing what Dr. Laura says - I've become his girlfriend, again.

Try doing things that are pro-active, things that you know will help you, help your marriage. You were so strong during the crises and now you're feeling defeated.

I know you probably want him punished as well. I do. If you want to save your marriage, you'll have to let go of that.

Good luck to you; I know how much this sucks.

As far as the sleeping thing goes it took me a while to get to were I was sleeping good again. I do not have any real answers as far as how to start sleeping better, it just kind of eventually happened for me.

You definatly have to let go all the way of wanting to punish your spouse in order to move forward. I tried to look at the over all picture and think that KARMA will do the punishing that it is not up to me. It took a long time to get there but that is a good way to let go of the part of wanting to punish.

Another thing that we really have to understand here that is so so very hard is the length of time it really takes, man oh man I wish it did not take as long as it does. I am about a year out from DD and still think about it a lot. So as BS we just have to keep working everyday on moving forward and I know how hard that is, and its not about giant leeps forward but baby steps just keep working on being more positive and stonger each day.

We have to look attarctive and not pathetic as well to our spouses and that is also so very difficult when in the middle of all of the emotional tornado that our spouses have caused.

We have to look and understand that sometimes they do not know the real reasons they did it. Without some IC or MC to help them figure it out better.

We look for answers to help us cope with what has happened in all reality there are no words, answers, or books that we can read to take away the pain so just understanding that we are hurt and trying to move on is about all we can do. ( A whole lot easier said then done I know).

After we have got to some point of acceptance and understanding then we have to make a choice
1. Work it out.
2. Leave a bad situation
3. (were I am) Just keep going with a positive attitude day to day, not real sure if we will work it out or not. Most days I am still on the #1 but have moments of #3.

Stay strong and I hope that some of this helps. I have a long way to go and will be repairing her mess in my mind for a very long time, but I try to think God for all that I do have and keep working on emproving for the future.

Good luck and Merry Christmas!

My story is very similar to yours, but my CS (cheating spouse) did not know his AP (affair partner)prior to beginning the texting. My DDay(discovery day) was 8/14.

We are rebuilding, as well. We had a couple of MC (marriage counseling)sessions where I wrote down all my questions and we went over them with the counselor together. If he had no answer, she kept asking additional questions to get him to a place of understanding what I was asking and to answer it. It was helpful to finally know the answers to my questions. I wrote down his responses so I can refer to them if the questions come up in my mind again.

This betrayal is the worst thing that can happen in your life. It takes time and outside help to get through it intact. Seeing that your CS is doing the needed steps to rebuild is a huge step in the right direction. His total buy in to the process and having good counseling help will get you to a good place.

In the meantime, buckle up and be ready for a roller coaster of emotions. Just when you think you have a handle on it all, some trigger comes up and you are back to crying, feeling worthless and afraid he is doing it again. If you have read any of the books on this subject, you know that they all say give yourself around 2 years to start feeling normal again.

I was in a good place before 8/14, but since then I now have high blood pressure and thought about antidepressants, but opted to try to stay off of them. You sound like a take control person, having made the steps you made post DDay, so these feelings are probably foreign to you...the sleeplessness, the worry, the depression. I think of it like this, I have been hit by a bus. It threw me over the top of the bus and I landed on my face on the pavement. It is going to be a long recovery process, but I am strong and will make it to a full recovery, with time.

My best tip is keep going to counseling, learn to communicate. If at any time you feel the counselor does not get it or is excusing his behavior, drop them like a hot potato and find someone you feel is helping you and helping you rebuild.

There is another board here just for rebuilders called Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity....try going there as there are people who have rebuilt and are rebuilding so they can give you much needed support and advice.

Thank you for posting your story. I'm very impressed with the way you handled things. I thought you showed tremendous courage and wisdom.

I'm glad to hear you guys are in counseling. I think it's essential in moving past something like this in your life. My only encouragement for you would be to rememeber that healing is a process. This all takes time.

I've turned to Focus on the Family more than once in my life for wisdom and strength in a time of crisis. This might help you too - http://bit.ly/1AAMHqu. Hang in there, friend. I'm praying for healing and continued strength for you.

#Livn'ItUpInCO
#MerryChristmas

Awesome handling of the situation!

I'm sorry you are finding yourself still in some murky waters....many hugs!!

Oh my goodness...I can't thank you all enough!! I wasn't certain how an on-line support group might help. I must say that your replies have helped me tremendously.

This has been a pretty bad couple of days. I had a huge trigger at the same time my husband was coming home from his support group that convinced him that he is "good enough". Of course to him I became the major offender of him not feeling as if he is "good enough".

I am at a point where I am feeling very discouraged, and you have brought me some hope. If you have any other tips, I am all ears!

I forgot to thank you Reply #3 for defining the abbreviations (CS, MC, AP, etc)...also to tell me about the Rebuilding your Marriage group.

I am so very grateful for all of the replies that I received so far, and really need to hear more of your great thoughts and advice.

Have a great weekend!

I'm sorry you have found yourself in this situation.

Do you know why you took the actions that you did upon the discovery of the affair? Sending my CS into the arms of the OW is the last thing I wanted to do. I had thoughts of launching her into the upper Niagara River, in a leaky boat, without a paddle, in high winds. Buying him a plane ticket to go and be with her, peaks my interest.

Do you know where the most immediate hurt you're feeling comes from, or perhaps what specific questions you're not having answered by him, or specific things he is or isn't doing, that's affecting you?

You say you've forgiven him, but forgiveness can be quite complex and often implausible, when your trust has been betrayed, and you are left to figure out why the perpetrator did what he did, without reasonable answers or definitive actions.

We are told by the powers that be, that we must forgive, and to do so as quickly as we can, in order to get to the starting blocks of rebuilding and reconciliation. But often, we fool ourselves to believe we've forgiven, when we are still deeply hurt by their actions, feel resentful towards them, feel forced to bury corrosive anger, and react terribly at the slightest triggers, which can wash away any trust we'd amassed.

It's so easy to say and repeat, 'I forgive you', yet it requires a great deal of harmonious effort on both the betrayed and cheating spouse's part, in order for it to come to fruition.

Your story is very similar to mine. In a way I did the same thing. I wanted to be absolutely sure that what I read, reread, and read again was real, so even when my husband offered to take care of something with the kids after work one day, I made sure his schedule was clear to see if he would still complete his plans to go the AP's place, which he did.

I am on a complete roller coaster ride. Last week I was a mess... tearful, angry wondering what the heck I am doing, and the last couple of days I am better. It's hard to roll with, sometimes.

I hope that things level out for you and that you are able to develop a sense of trust again.

I have to say, I am very impressed with how you handled the discovery. I think you saved yourself a lot of pain. I wish that I had handled my discovery the same way, as it could have nipped it in the bud...
I don't want to go on a tangent though, wanted to throw in another piece of advice that might help. It deals with your husband's actions, too. When you gave him the choice - he stopped, and he has been taking steps to help you. So, I have to give him credit, as well. He values your marriage, and he hopes that you will truly forgive him.
See, one of the things that went wrong after my discovery was that my wife got it in her head that I wouldn't/couldn't ever forgive her, so she might as well continue.
I'm guessing that one of the reasons that AP's hold back so much is that they feel on the fence still of whether or not they'll ever be truly and completely forgiven - you forgave him, but he's afraid that if he shares something he may have been hiding from you, that you may change your mind.
I hope the best for your continued recovery. I'm not the best example for that, but I hope these thoughts help.

correction, I said "AP", meant "BS"...still cant get all the acronyms down.

Ha, I'm horrible, ignore the initials, you know what I mean.

Reply #8 - To answer your question about the actions that I took after learning of my H's affair. My immediate reaction was to bring what appeared to be so dark to the light. I was able to take a quick look on Facebook regarding what his AP looked like and what type of life she seemed to be living. My feeling was that if that is what my H really wanted then he deserved it. My other feeling was that I obviously had no control over the fact that my H chose to have an affair, but I could take control over what the next step would be for them. I was sending them a message that now I am the one in charge.

The immediate hurt that I feel stems from my H being able to easily toss me aside and chose another woman. The lack of loyalty, having my back, and complete disrespect causes me extreme pain.

Looking for closure...Yes, I do know what you mean, and what you said was very helpful. :)

I want to make an additional comment on the forgiving. I told another poster recently, that I know for a fact if you do not internally give forgiveness, you get stuck and anger overwhelms you. I want to further clarify that I have not said the I forgive you words to my CS. I am not there yet. What I have done is all inside of me, not in words to him. That will take time for the trust to build enough for me to actually forgive him in words to his face. I know that sounds weird, but doing it internally helped me move on in rebuilding without so much anger.