you'll be vilified, we live in a skewed world in which few people want to know the truth
i understand your "feelings", if you can objectively discern valid argument for, then do so,
don't do it just to do it

According to Dr Harley author and therapist. It's in his you have to do list.
www.marriagebuilders.com

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the OW/OM again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the OW/OM ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the OW/OM (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.
_________________________

I've read the site that represents Harley. I quit reading it as the folks who post seem to believe they speak for the author, and rather then listening to people..they just go and tell you what they think you SHOULD do..... rule number 1 of therapy...no therapist will ever SHOULD you.

You could (no use of word should) do what you feel is the right thing to do. No one can say what is right or wrong in this instance. I agree with you that loyal spouses could do well to know the truth. As long as you are not concerned with how some of them may react, and as long as it wouldn't affect you in a negative way, then you are good to go.

I wish you well.

Is there a reason that these women should know? Like STD risk or something of that nature. You run the risk of being looked at as the crazy person depending on the manner in which you reveal the information. Do they all know each other? Can they rationalize your statements into making it seem like you are the bad person? Just make sure if you do tell them that it can't back fire on you for any reason. My husband's OW sent me a very nasty email detailing how I should go away and how she is the one he is with now etc. but in a really vulgar and nasty way. I was about to respond and I stopped and thought about how this could bite me in the ass. I didn't end up send a response as hard as it was. Sure enough she had some scheme planned where she told my husband how someone hacked her email and was planning on using this situation/scenario to play the victim once again. I think she likes the attention or something. Well anyway, I know that these scenarios are different, but just make sure that it can't come back to bite you in the ass.

No one can tell you what's right or wrong or what you should do. I would suggest counseling for yourself.
Also for people dealing with infidelity, for each partner, the hurt one and the unfaithful one, After the Affair by Janis A. Spring is excellent to help get through this time.

My husband contacted the wives and he felt better. Felt he was telling them what he would want to know if the role was reversed. They were appreciative for his call. I didn't have any issues With him calling them. ..if that was what he needed, then it was ok with me.

I think you should tell them. Its the correct and moral thing to do. In telling them, you need to be sure the message is not intercepted.

Do not tell your wife, you're doing this. Just do it.

A simple message saying " MY name is_____, I have some information I think you should know about your husband[insert name] and wife/ex wife, call me on ______ for further information. if you do not want to know anything else, please call me to confirm you received this message details"

All I know is that I wish someone who had known would have told me.

Now, as refurb said, it is true, you may possibly be vilified, as in a "shoot the messenger" type of situation. However, I know that I still would have wanted to know. Their initial reaction may be denial and/or anger-denial, but they have the right to know.

I think anymore we live in a society where we just don't want to stick our neck out to help someone, for fear of their reaction. I'd say, find a tactful way, and let them know.

Better to know the truth of who they are married to, then they can decide what they want to do about it.

Some people say it is "vindictive" but I dont see it that way: I was betrayed, and I wish I'd have known sooner than what I did. I wish I'd have known someone had my back, than finding out on my own and finding out all of the so-called "friends" that kept his secret in the interest of "minding their own business."

Just my 2 cents.

I am struggling with this same issue. My wife's affair was ten years long. I really think his wife deserves to know, however I feel perplexed by the fact that I would be bringing the same pain to someone else that I am going through.
I also fear that if she knows she will leave him giving him free reign to pursue my wife.

A few months before my wife's affair came to light there was a point where she was really upset because one of the wives in her group of friends was blowing up on her over what she told me just her asking the person's husband a question. Now I found out that what the person was upset over was finding a picture of my wife in lingerie on his phone. If she had contacted me back then I would have been upset but grateful. It may have stopped it from going further with other men.

In other words, letting them know may actually help bring things to light and stop their spouse from having other affairs.

I can honestly say this was something I do not regret doing. I should have contacted the other spouse sooner actually. When I found out about the EA I didn't say anything to the other spouse and I should have. Especially since she kept trying to contact my husband.

I finally did tell the other spouse after his wife sent my husband a message using a fake facebook account.

He then in turn decided not to repay the favor by telling me it was a physical affair when I only know about the emotional part.

So, yes I think it is good to tell them. But as others have said it could bring back lash from them, from the other men, or from your spouse. But until all parties know, there could be something waiting for you that you never knew.

For me, I did contact the other spouse. Mainly because my H and TOW worked together in a closed area that I couldn't just pop up at his work for a visit. So I felt that they both felt secure in knowing their work place couldn't be compromised by folks that don't have entry to their work. I called the other spouse two months into D-day. They might have had Fort Knox at that work, but that didn't relieve once they stepped out of those doors. It didn't help that my H insisted he continue to go to events that he knew TOW would be at. And those events were strictly voluntary. I opened up a whole new can of worms with calling him. Did I regret it? Not one bit. I didn't do it out of vengeance - I did it out of fear that they could continue carrying on the A with no one being the wiser. At least by telling him, there was now a pair of eyes on her too. He initially did not believe me. But as I provided info that just some random person would not know, it began to sink in. I still wasn't sure if he believed me or not, but less than 5 minutes after our conversation, my H asked me if I called him. And I said yes. Time for H's stomach to be churning & upset. All in all, I do believe the OS has a right to know what their significant other has been up to. And then he or she can decide if the marriage is worth it. At this point, 5 years later, they don't have near the contact that they did. She's in a completely different bldg. from him. And I've heard their marriage ended. I hope it was worth it to her.