Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
I am going through some emotional swings lately, some days are good, some not so good.
My spouse hid a prescription drug addiction from me for about 5 years, I found out about it and about 3 days later found out she was also having an affair. I really don't know if the affair was emotional or emotional and physical when I found out, but she moved out and in with him within days. I was left alone to deal with the betrayal and lies for about a year, I didn't have a lot of contact with her during that time frame, and the contact we did have was far from positive during that time. She had a life event that caused her to get clean, and during that time she made sense to me for a change, and we decided to reconcile our relationship. 6 months after our second marriage together I found out she was in active addiction and had been since before we remarried. She went into rehab for the addiction and within days of her going in I went through her phone and found facebook messages with people I had asked her to end relations with that I link to the affair with the guy. All of the same betrayel and pain from the lies hit me again just as hard as it did two years ago.
She is out now, and I am realizing that I never healed over any of these issues, and I don't feel she has put forth effort to help heal the relationship, and I am hurt to feel that she may not have the capacity to work on our relationship and her addiction recovery at the same time. That is a whole other post sometime.
I have trouble in my mind seperating the events, I feel she had an emotional affair with drugs that led her to live a double life with me, I know she had an emotional and physical affair with a man that lead to the end of our 10 year marriage, I know she never ended the affair with the drugs, it just took a break when she had to, I feel she is emotionally attached to some of the peer group that not only accepted her affair with the man, but they encouraged it, and now I am also having feelings that she is in an active emotioal affair with AA, meetings that encourage secrecy and self centered behavior. (I know that may sound crazy, can't help what I feel)
I have started reading NJF's and I know it is based on an extramarital affair between people, but as I read I seem to be able to apply it to the addiction, the affair, and the recovery. All of these things plus her mother, her sponsor, her counselors, etc.... have open windows and I am on the other side of a wall, and have been here for years.
Am I going banannas? Should I just look at all of the betrayal and personal devestation she has put me through and say "well, that is when she was high" and try to just forget it? She is in a new world now and even says she doesn't remember most of the last several years, but I sure do.
She tells me now that she is trying to be open and tell me the truth , but just a month and a half ago she was living a double life behind my back for the second time. Just a few weeks ago she told an outright lie to me in a counseling session before she left rehab, and that lie was encouraged by the counselors, she chose to let them decide what was appropriate for me to know, I feel betrayed by that. I think sometimes that the last half of our first marriage was based on lies, and I think that our entire second marriage was based on lies. And I think I am a fool sometimes, even though my intentions were to rebuild my family, for me, my wife, and my children, I feel like a tool to her, not a partner.
I am not sure how to even start getting a handle on any of this, not sure if I need to seperate one event from the other or combine them all into one to try and deal with it. I am also not sure if I can sit by her while she is focused on herself now, when I feel I need more help from her than she can give, or is able to give.
Thank you all for letting me vent, I hope you all have a good day, God bless.
My spouse hid a prescription drug addiction from me for about 5 years, I found out about it and about 3 days later found out she was also having an affair. I really don't know if the affair was emotional or emotional and physical when I found out, but she moved out and in with him within days. I was left alone to deal with the betrayal and lies for about a year, I didn't have a lot of contact with her during that time frame, and the contact we did have was far from positive during that time. She had a life event that caused her to get clean, and during that time she made sense to me for a change, and we decided to reconcile our relationship. 6 months after our second marriage together I found out she was in active addiction and had been since before we remarried. She went into rehab for the addiction and within days of her going in I went through her phone and found facebook messages with people I had asked her to end relations with that I link to the affair with the guy. All of the same betrayel and pain from the lies hit me again just as hard as it did two years ago.
She is out now, and I am realizing that I never healed over any of these issues, and I don't feel she has put forth effort to help heal the relationship, and I am hurt to feel that she may not have the capacity to work on our relationship and her addiction recovery at the same time. That is a whole other post sometime.
I have trouble in my mind seperating the events, I feel she had an emotional affair with drugs that led her to live a double life with me, I know she had an emotional and physical affair with a man that lead to the end of our 10 year marriage, I know she never ended the affair with the drugs, it just took a break when she had to, I feel she is emotionally attached to some of the peer group that not only accepted her affair with the man, but they encouraged it, and now I am also having feelings that she is in an active emotioal affair with AA, meetings that encourage secrecy and self centered behavior. (I know that may sound crazy, can't help what I feel)
I have started reading NJF's and I know it is based on an extramarital affair between people, but as I read I seem to be able to apply it to the addiction, the affair, and the recovery. All of these things plus her mother, her sponsor, her counselors, etc.... have open windows and I am on the other side of a wall, and have been here for years.
Am I going banannas? Should I just look at all of the betrayal and personal devestation she has put me through and say "well, that is when she was high" and try to just forget it? She is in a new world now and even says she doesn't remember most of the last several years, but I sure do.
She tells me now that she is trying to be open and tell me the truth , but just a month and a half ago she was living a double life behind my back for the second time. Just a few weeks ago she told an outright lie to me in a counseling session before she left rehab, and that lie was encouraged by the counselors, she chose to let them decide what was appropriate for me to know, I feel betrayed by that. I think sometimes that the last half of our first marriage was based on lies, and I think that our entire second marriage was based on lies. And I think I am a fool sometimes, even though my intentions were to rebuild my family, for me, my wife, and my children, I feel like a tool to her, not a partner.
I am not sure how to even start getting a handle on any of this, not sure if I need to seperate one event from the other or combine them all into one to try and deal with it. I am also not sure if I can sit by her while she is focused on herself now, when I feel I need more help from her than she can give, or is able to give.
Thank you all for letting me vent, I hope you all have a good day, God bless.
People that are addicts, regarding of what it is they are addicted to, have deep emotional problems. Drug addiction is merely a symptom of the serious psychological problems your wife has.
There are few people who quit and turn their life around - it takes huge amounts of self discipline and effort to change. It becomes number one goal in life. I ve seen few people succeed in doing so, but the ones that did are truly amazing human beings.
You can support and addict all your life, but they will still do whatever they want to do. Sometimes "support" turns into enabling, because she knows that no matter what she does she has a place /person to go back to. Quitting the drugs will not change who she is, she can only go through such transformation by faithfully attending counseling, taking medication and solving her internal problems.
you and only you can decide if you are willing to go down this road with her.
I decided for me that trying to help an addict who is in denial and will not get help is futile and I need to move on with my life, because no matter what they say they will do it again.
hugs
The one thing that stuck out to me is when you talked about the counselors and they told her that she didn't need to tell you everything (that's the impression I got...) and that is a bunch of crap. I would go to a different counselor so fast. Any good counselor will tell you that honesty is key. Especially for you as the healer. When my H cheated on me, I had to know everything. There were some things that were the most painful things I think I will ever hear in my life, but after getting All of the details, that is when my healing started to begin. I think that you should talk to her and really tell her what you need from her. Don't make her promise you anything for the future, but tell her what you want to see happen with her, between you and her, and with your family.
I don't know if my advice is really helping, but communication and good, open, true honesty was the key for me, so hopefully it can help you too. As for the rest of your post, I honestly don't know what to say... you have been through so much and you have a very unique situation. Take one day at a time, and follow your heart. Hopefully that will take you where you need to go. Sorry that I can't be more help. God Bless.
Beyond devastated (discovered the forum the day i found out).
He thew himself into 28days of rehab here in Sydney. BUT i know he also used it as an escape to avoid the affair that i had blown out of the water by confronting the OW.
I had NO answers and very little remorse AFTER rehab as it wa "all about him and his recovery".
Addicts need to be so disciplined with their programs, mine was in G.A and i believe still attends (we never reconciled). I get very sad that he led a double life, lying to me in order to be with her and she enabled his habit (pro gambling, they both work at a club that has poker machines). I pray he's not with her.
I can only say i totally understand. There are 2 issues to deal with, infidelity is hard enough. We have a double whammy!
I just know that IF i reconciled with him i couldn't trust him NOT to never gamble again, or not be with her..I just didn't get enough answers about it all.
I hope you get answers and always stay alert to things IF you stay. Don't become co-dependent and let it be all about them, for it becomes an excuse for their bad behaviour!
THEY fucked up and must bear the consequences, addiction or no addiction , it's not an excuse (it's part of the ghastly spiral though).