Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
Haven't posted for a while, but feeling very low at moment about STBX.
Since his affair d day 16 months ago I have had so many trials to face and am still facing them.
He has now turned abusive towards me: he tries to manipulate me into me having him back, he has started threatening (although always veiled) financial problems, shouts at me, is critical of everything I do incl. shopping, cooking, cleaning etc, has also reared up to me on occasion but never hit me. He cries, tells me he loves me all the time, and that no-one else could ever love me he way he does, it goes on and on and on. He crazy makes all the time and really I don't think I can take anymore. I have thrown him out and he just keeps on coming back....urrgh. I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I think he has a personality disorder....he is extremely manipulative, emotionally immature and downright awkward. If he is in the house he checks up my FB, phone, underwear...yes underwear!!!! We have 3 children and I have tried so hard to not let them see all this cranky behaviour from him. I have told him hundreds of times I don't want him anymore after his 2 1/2 yr affair.
We go through cycles of this behaviour, at the moment he is being very nice to me (won't last), 3 days ago he was ranting & raving at me.. I feel very nervous and anxious all the time.
He denies all of this behaviour (just like he did over the affair) says he is a nice guy and would never do that, I am a drama queen etc etc....
Because of the children I have to have some contact with him.
Has this happened to anyone else and how do they deal with it.
Since his affair d day 16 months ago I have had so many trials to face and am still facing them.
He has now turned abusive towards me: he tries to manipulate me into me having him back, he has started threatening (although always veiled) financial problems, shouts at me, is critical of everything I do incl. shopping, cooking, cleaning etc, has also reared up to me on occasion but never hit me. He cries, tells me he loves me all the time, and that no-one else could ever love me he way he does, it goes on and on and on. He crazy makes all the time and really I don't think I can take anymore. I have thrown him out and he just keeps on coming back....urrgh. I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I think he has a personality disorder....he is extremely manipulative, emotionally immature and downright awkward. If he is in the house he checks up my FB, phone, underwear...yes underwear!!!! We have 3 children and I have tried so hard to not let them see all this cranky behaviour from him. I have told him hundreds of times I don't want him anymore after his 2 1/2 yr affair.
We go through cycles of this behaviour, at the moment he is being very nice to me (won't last), 3 days ago he was ranting & raving at me.. I feel very nervous and anxious all the time.
He denies all of this behaviour (just like he did over the affair) says he is a nice guy and would never do that, I am a drama queen etc etc....
Because of the children I have to have some contact with him.
Has this happened to anyone else and how do they deal with it.
Hugs,
CR64
In cases like this, counseling will not help, they will just become better able to hide their madness in public, and better at manipulating you. I know you still want to believe him, maybe "save" him, but the truth is, its going to harm you and your kids. You may be able to shield them for now, but that is a precarious balance.
I have a relative dealing with a CS who refuses counseling and shows no real desire to change. She's chosen to live her life and pursue happiness in the rest of her life, with him still in the picture, thinking maybe he'll come around.
I don't judge her decision. I just know that personally, I couldn't do it. H gets one shot at redeeming himself. If he hadn't offered to get counseling on his own, and followed through, then my decision would be made and the papers already filed.
Refusal to work on the issues that led to the cheating, refusal to recognize what a 'gfit' a second chance is and EARN it, are more or less refusals to change at all.
In my bookd, that's a deal breaker in my book. You have to decide what it is in your book. Once you do, stick to it. Don't be sucked back in to the cycle unless you can live with it..
Hugs,
CR64
I did it to my ex for years and I regret every minute of it. Anger was a huge part of my problems in my marriage and whether they contributed to its downfall or not, it is definitely a pattern of behavior I regret and am trying to keep out of future relationships.
My husband said to me that he loved me amid all his crazy behavior and I told him: That is some fucked up love!
He also told me I should have stood by him!??? WTF...I should stand by someone who is running around with another woman behind my back? Ignores me while walking through a parking lot with her? Brought her to my house while I was out of town? Lied, Lies and or more lies?
Have you read Susan Forwards book on emotional blackmail it gives tips on how to handle it. I thought it was useful to recognize when it was happening.
Divorce never brings out the best in anyone. Never.
Let me guess...he cheated and you found out. Then he wanted to work it out and wanted you to forgive and forget. You then decided you could not forgive and forget and that was when he got all shitty and unpredictable. THAT was when he went off his damned rocker. Could that be?
At least that was what happened with my EX. What I had to do? When he was being a human being, I would talk to him but keep conversations to the subjects that HAD to be dealt with. When he was being a jerk?
I would hang up the phone, after saying, 'Hey Clown, you don't talk to me like that. I am the Mother of your children. Don't talk to me until you remember that.'
This is somewhat normal. He just can't accept that what HE did catapulted the end of his life as he knew it. Staying in 'I did this to myself' is too painful. Standing on 'well, she deserved this' does not get him the results that he wants from you. 'Well, now I have lost everything' seems overwhelming. 'Now I am going to be divorced?' Can't imagine that. Sooooo, right now, wherever he stands and whatever way his mind wanders, he can't stand himself. All of this...its more self loathing than anything.
He may love you but he can't stand you for not forgiving him.
Keep contact to a minimum. Make no apologies for this.
No one is at their best during the divorce process.
Sending you support, L~