Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
We have been together for almost 2 years - both divorced with 2 kids each. We fell in love quickly and committed to an exclusive relationship early on. Our children (11, 13, 13, 15) get along amazingly well - have vacationed together, and pretty much integrated our families. Given where we are in life - neither of us are interested in casual dating or short term relationships. We've talked about the future, plan together for the kids and by all accounts - are a great couple that love each other.
It never crossed my mind that he would cheat on me. Even though we'd had a few rough patches, we were both pro-actively working on the relationship. Throughout - there was lots of communication, lots of physical affection, our sex life was amazing (and frequent), and we often made plans about the future and kids.
About 3 months ago - there were a few incidents that happen that just didn't feel right. After some hemming and hawing - I checked his FB messages. To be honest, I really didn't expect to find anything (or so I hoped).
So I was shocked when I found out that he'd been messaging #1 (nd ex-lover - and a married woman) daily for the last 8 months, called each other multiples, had gotten together for drinks numerous occasions. I also saw their gmail chats - again, almost daily chats and calls.
Lots of banter, sexting - and talk of getting together and how wonderful it was to see each other, how great each of them smelled, looked. Several times she told him how much she loved him, had always loved him - and he replied similarly. During one of the exchanges, he told her that they would be together if it weren't for 'complications'.
It stunned me because he and I saw each other almost everyday during that time, so I had no clue that he was getting together with her. I though he'd just gone home. But they would meet late at night - after he left my place, or when he had his kids with him - he would go out after they went to bed. She knew he was with him - and appears to have been his confidant for complaining about what was wrong with our relationship.
I confronted him with what I saw and his initial reaction was anger that I'd invaded his privacy and looked through his emails and chats (he was blackmailed once in the past by someone who tracked his emails so he's super sensitive about this). I admitted I was in the wrong and apologized - but said that we needed to separate what I did from how he was with this woman.
At first he denied it all. Said they'd only chatted a few times, didn't really go out that much. When I told him what I'd read - especially about the two of them being in love, he brushed it off and said I was taking it out of context - that he didn't say that.
He also accused me of violating his trust and privacy and said he didn't know if he could trust me again. That night he called the ex to let her know that I'd read the emails. He told me this (was still furious) and asked me to not tell her husband because they have a child. He said I could be as angry as I wanted with him and take everything out on him - but to please not involve the other woman's family.
Long story short, he - of his own accord - did realize that what he did was inappropriate and wrong and that he'd hurt our relationship. He agreed to give up his friendship with this woman and not be in contact with her again. We discussed that he would tell her that he and I were going to work on our relationship and that how he acted with her was inappropriate. That was enough for me - I didn't feel the need to push for a complete blackout - they were still friends on FB.
It's been a rough 3 months - but we are committed, still planning the future, still loving each other. He was incredibly attentive and present. And I worked on my issues as well - tried to back away from wanting to know who he was talking to every second, who he was chatting with. All of a sudden, I was suspicious about all of his FB chats (both of us are online a lot becuase of the nature of our work).
During that time, we also renewed out commitment to be monogamous in our relationship. Even though we'd discussed it, neither of us were interested in an open relationship. He said he was committed to us, our children, and that he promised to tell me if he felt like he was getting involved or attached with another woman. The honesty was what I was craving for. I can deal with almost anything as long as I have faith that there is full disclosure.
After 3 months, I feel like we're finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I was ready to put the chapter behind me and work on rebuilding out relationship and having fun together again. During this time - there were numerous times where he would tell me that I'm the only one for him, that he wasn't interested or pursuing any other woman. That it was just me and our family.
During this time, he did start locking his computer more and more. Which did raise my suspicions. I will admit that I did check his FB and google chats when he forgot to lock things up and didn't find anything suspicious. It did seem like he was keeping his word about not being in contact with the Ex.
Then an incident happened where they had long, open banter, on his facebook page. Raised my suspicions again. I asked and he said it was nothing - I was okay with that, didn't really expect to ban people from talking to you on social media. Turns out they had also privately chatted a few times after that - which he didn't mention. When I asked him about it, he admitted it and said it was nothing, just a quick hi. That he hadn't been in contact with her for months.
I was unconvinced. The next the computer was unlocked and he was away, I looked at the chats and he was right. It was nothing - just a quick hi. She did invite him out the next day - but he declined (tho' he did indicate he'd love to but couldn't because he was in the middle of a report for work). There was no more contact after that.
I had to admit. I felt pretty ashamed of myself for not trusting him and his efforts.
When I was about to leave though, I saw his gmail open and in the sent folder recognized the name of another former lover, #2. I was surprised because they were together in 2008 (they were both married as well, in the same industry, and met during trade shows.. He'd told me about her before and I didn't think much of it. She lives in California and we are in Canada. (#1 is in the same city as us).
The one email led to a discovery of over a year's worth of emails back and forth. Almost all the emails are about how much he loves her and misses her, how she is the only true love for him, how he loves her more and more each day, and how he will always wait for her. He's sent her presents, and named his new company after her pets (I did not know that).
He also invited her to join him for a long vacation in April, as well as invited her on 2-3 other trips with him. She couldn't go on any of them because of her work schedule. It's clear from the email that she loves him too. And he continues to extend invitations for her to meet him on his business trips - that he would stay longer if she could meet him. The funny this is - on all his trips, we talk/text daily - it just never occurred to me that he was texting other women as well.
I was stunned (again) as I did NOT expect there to be #1, or another ex-lover in the picture. Especially after we'd just spent 3 painful months sloshing through the first one - and he kept reassuring me that there was no one else. That he was not telling any other women he loved them.
This was about 5 days ago. He doesn't know that I've seen the emails and have copies of them. I pulled away for a couple of days - just to regroup and see how I want to approach this.
When we reconnected, in a conversation, I brought up #2's name and asked if he was in touch with her. He appeared genuinely surprised - and said no, that was a long time ago and is over. He has no idea where she is or even how to get in contact with her. I asked if he loved still loved her. He looked me straight in the eye - and said no, he does not - he only loves me and wants our relationship to work.
He did ask where this was coming from - again seemingly genuinely puzzled. I wasn't ready to disclose that I'd seen the emails yet, so I just said I'd been thinking about the last few months and because of #1, #2 came to mind.
I'm crushed that there was Another woman - and that he was telling her he loved her and she was the only one for him for over a year! I'm sure #2 doesn't know about #1. And I'm not sure if #1 knows about me. In the 12+ months of emails, there was no mention of his children - just talk of their love for each other, her dogs, and very brief mentions of her job and his new business. No sexting or sexual innuendos of any sort - very different from the interactions with #1.
And yet, even with all this - I am torn. I still love him, love his family, love his kids - and he has been wonderful with my children as well. And I'm angry with myself for feeling this way.
I just don't see how this can be salvaged though. I don't think he'll admit to anything I tell him I have copies of their emails.
What I want more than anything is for him to just tell me the truth. I could have handled him being in love with someone else - and I would have been willing to find a way to work through it. And the last 3 months seems to provide the perfect opportunity for him to do that. We had SO many discussions about cheating, emotional affairs, being completely truthful with each other. And each time we talked about this - he would get incredibly passionate and tell me he's monogamous and the most loyal person he knows.
He claims he never slept with #1 - that they always got together in public places. Honestly, I don't care if they did or not. It was the 8 months of cover-ups and dishonesty that violated our trust.
I'm not angry with the other women - he CAN be very charming, and loving, and when you are the object of his affection, you feel like a queen. He is attentive, thoughtful, and kind. When crossed though - his anger and race can be frightening (I've felt scared but never physically threatened).
I've spent the first few days crying and being pissed off. But mostly, I've just been exhausted - the though of hashing through this for another 3 months just makes me want to collapse.
I have to admit that if I tell him I found the emails with #2, he'll be furious. All I want is for him to just come clean - but I am realizing that that is probably wishful thinking.
And yes, there's a part of me that is racking my brains - trying to make excuses for his behavior and deception and wondering how we can work through this.
*sigh*
It never crossed my mind that he would cheat on me. Even though we'd had a few rough patches, we were both pro-actively working on the relationship. Throughout - there was lots of communication, lots of physical affection, our sex life was amazing (and frequent), and we often made plans about the future and kids.
About 3 months ago - there were a few incidents that happen that just didn't feel right. After some hemming and hawing - I checked his FB messages. To be honest, I really didn't expect to find anything (or so I hoped).
So I was shocked when I found out that he'd been messaging #1 (nd ex-lover - and a married woman) daily for the last 8 months, called each other multiples, had gotten together for drinks numerous occasions. I also saw their gmail chats - again, almost daily chats and calls.
Lots of banter, sexting - and talk of getting together and how wonderful it was to see each other, how great each of them smelled, looked. Several times she told him how much she loved him, had always loved him - and he replied similarly. During one of the exchanges, he told her that they would be together if it weren't for 'complications'.
It stunned me because he and I saw each other almost everyday during that time, so I had no clue that he was getting together with her. I though he'd just gone home. But they would meet late at night - after he left my place, or when he had his kids with him - he would go out after they went to bed. She knew he was with him - and appears to have been his confidant for complaining about what was wrong with our relationship.
I confronted him with what I saw and his initial reaction was anger that I'd invaded his privacy and looked through his emails and chats (he was blackmailed once in the past by someone who tracked his emails so he's super sensitive about this). I admitted I was in the wrong and apologized - but said that we needed to separate what I did from how he was with this woman.
At first he denied it all. Said they'd only chatted a few times, didn't really go out that much. When I told him what I'd read - especially about the two of them being in love, he brushed it off and said I was taking it out of context - that he didn't say that.
He also accused me of violating his trust and privacy and said he didn't know if he could trust me again. That night he called the ex to let her know that I'd read the emails. He told me this (was still furious) and asked me to not tell her husband because they have a child. He said I could be as angry as I wanted with him and take everything out on him - but to please not involve the other woman's family.
Long story short, he - of his own accord - did realize that what he did was inappropriate and wrong and that he'd hurt our relationship. He agreed to give up his friendship with this woman and not be in contact with her again. We discussed that he would tell her that he and I were going to work on our relationship and that how he acted with her was inappropriate. That was enough for me - I didn't feel the need to push for a complete blackout - they were still friends on FB.
It's been a rough 3 months - but we are committed, still planning the future, still loving each other. He was incredibly attentive and present. And I worked on my issues as well - tried to back away from wanting to know who he was talking to every second, who he was chatting with. All of a sudden, I was suspicious about all of his FB chats (both of us are online a lot becuase of the nature of our work).
During that time, we also renewed out commitment to be monogamous in our relationship. Even though we'd discussed it, neither of us were interested in an open relationship. He said he was committed to us, our children, and that he promised to tell me if he felt like he was getting involved or attached with another woman. The honesty was what I was craving for. I can deal with almost anything as long as I have faith that there is full disclosure.
After 3 months, I feel like we're finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I was ready to put the chapter behind me and work on rebuilding out relationship and having fun together again. During this time - there were numerous times where he would tell me that I'm the only one for him, that he wasn't interested or pursuing any other woman. That it was just me and our family.
During this time, he did start locking his computer more and more. Which did raise my suspicions. I will admit that I did check his FB and google chats when he forgot to lock things up and didn't find anything suspicious. It did seem like he was keeping his word about not being in contact with the Ex.
Then an incident happened where they had long, open banter, on his facebook page. Raised my suspicions again. I asked and he said it was nothing - I was okay with that, didn't really expect to ban people from talking to you on social media. Turns out they had also privately chatted a few times after that - which he didn't mention. When I asked him about it, he admitted it and said it was nothing, just a quick hi. That he hadn't been in contact with her for months.
I was unconvinced. The next the computer was unlocked and he was away, I looked at the chats and he was right. It was nothing - just a quick hi. She did invite him out the next day - but he declined (tho' he did indicate he'd love to but couldn't because he was in the middle of a report for work). There was no more contact after that.
I had to admit. I felt pretty ashamed of myself for not trusting him and his efforts.
When I was about to leave though, I saw his gmail open and in the sent folder recognized the name of another former lover, #2. I was surprised because they were together in 2008 (they were both married as well, in the same industry, and met during trade shows.. He'd told me about her before and I didn't think much of it. She lives in California and we are in Canada. (#1 is in the same city as us).
The one email led to a discovery of over a year's worth of emails back and forth. Almost all the emails are about how much he loves her and misses her, how she is the only true love for him, how he loves her more and more each day, and how he will always wait for her. He's sent her presents, and named his new company after her pets (I did not know that).
He also invited her to join him for a long vacation in April, as well as invited her on 2-3 other trips with him. She couldn't go on any of them because of her work schedule. It's clear from the email that she loves him too. And he continues to extend invitations for her to meet him on his business trips - that he would stay longer if she could meet him. The funny this is - on all his trips, we talk/text daily - it just never occurred to me that he was texting other women as well.
I was stunned (again) as I did NOT expect there to be #1, or another ex-lover in the picture. Especially after we'd just spent 3 painful months sloshing through the first one - and he kept reassuring me that there was no one else. That he was not telling any other women he loved them.
This was about 5 days ago. He doesn't know that I've seen the emails and have copies of them. I pulled away for a couple of days - just to regroup and see how I want to approach this.
When we reconnected, in a conversation, I brought up #2's name and asked if he was in touch with her. He appeared genuinely surprised - and said no, that was a long time ago and is over. He has no idea where she is or even how to get in contact with her. I asked if he loved still loved her. He looked me straight in the eye - and said no, he does not - he only loves me and wants our relationship to work.
He did ask where this was coming from - again seemingly genuinely puzzled. I wasn't ready to disclose that I'd seen the emails yet, so I just said I'd been thinking about the last few months and because of #1, #2 came to mind.
I'm crushed that there was Another woman - and that he was telling her he loved her and she was the only one for him for over a year! I'm sure #2 doesn't know about #1. And I'm not sure if #1 knows about me. In the 12+ months of emails, there was no mention of his children - just talk of their love for each other, her dogs, and very brief mentions of her job and his new business. No sexting or sexual innuendos of any sort - very different from the interactions with #1.
And yet, even with all this - I am torn. I still love him, love his family, love his kids - and he has been wonderful with my children as well. And I'm angry with myself for feeling this way.
I just don't see how this can be salvaged though. I don't think he'll admit to anything I tell him I have copies of their emails.
What I want more than anything is for him to just tell me the truth. I could have handled him being in love with someone else - and I would have been willing to find a way to work through it. And the last 3 months seems to provide the perfect opportunity for him to do that. We had SO many discussions about cheating, emotional affairs, being completely truthful with each other. And each time we talked about this - he would get incredibly passionate and tell me he's monogamous and the most loyal person he knows.
He claims he never slept with #1 - that they always got together in public places. Honestly, I don't care if they did or not. It was the 8 months of cover-ups and dishonesty that violated our trust.
I'm not angry with the other women - he CAN be very charming, and loving, and when you are the object of his affection, you feel like a queen. He is attentive, thoughtful, and kind. When crossed though - his anger and race can be frightening (I've felt scared but never physically threatened).
I've spent the first few days crying and being pissed off. But mostly, I've just been exhausted - the though of hashing through this for another 3 months just makes me want to collapse.
I have to admit that if I tell him I found the emails with #2, he'll be furious. All I want is for him to just come clean - but I am realizing that that is probably wishful thinking.
And yes, there's a part of me that is racking my brains - trying to make excuses for his behavior and deception and wondering how we can work through this.
*sigh*
Flipping the script on you after OW number 1, and getting pissed you invaded his privacy, is a common defense mechanism used by those who cheat. In your three months of reconnecting, which isn't long at all, he continued to do things that violated your trust.
What you know, is that he continues to lie to you, hide things, and he's not being transparent. You chose to back off and give him 100 percent trust, which then led you to see that he is continuing to be untrustworthy.
It isn't so much about do you still love him, as much as it's about where do you go from here?
Sending you strength...
You have every right to know, read and take copies of his emails if he's cheating on you, be it physical or emotional. Snooping is not a crime, cheating on your partner is.
Anyone who feels their privacy has been invaded is keeping something private from you. They're basically saying, "I can't trust you because you might find my private stash, and then know everything about me."
When one has nothing to hide, one has no reason for feeling invaded. And how silly of him to use a platform like fb for his private indiscretions: that's hardly snooping.
His comment about you being a complication is heartless, and it's troubling that he can be so coy and callous in his conversations. Perhaps it's a characteristic of this charm you say he has.
Don't be ashamed to show him the copies of the emails. Liars and cheaters need to be confronted with the smoking gun before they'll fess up. But you may not need to go there if you have already made a decision.
I must agree with Justme2892, where do you go from here, knowing what you know?
I wish you strength.
I'm going to just come out and say what I think. I DO understand that you still love him..of course you do. Unfortunately, love doesn't shut off like that. My ex cheated on me with prostitutes and denied..denied..denied. He swore he loved and wanted only me..I still loved him too and wanted to believe him. I tried for two years after I found out about the escort to move on from the betrayal. It haunted me though and I never could be peaceful in that relationship.
Your guy is not honest..he betrayed you twice. How can he be talking to two women and living with you and have all these different faces? He loves himself above all others is why. He loves the thrill of keeping secrets and the chase. You will forever be looking over your shoulder if you stay.
I say..you dodged a bullet. Pack it up..get out..he has shown you his true colors. You aren't even married..your sex life is great..there is not a real "reason" for him to be cheating. It's not like you have been married for 20 yrs and it's been dead for the last couple of years..or no sex..no communication. You were completely blindsided. He's doing this for fun. OR he's using you as his stability for his kids...not sure which. Or it's both. You will continue to try to rationalize his behavior because that is what we do when we want to believe someone we loved did really love us back the same way. I did the same thing. Only now that I've been out of the relationship completely for almost 5 months am I seeing things more clearly.
I know it is hard..you have teens..you don't want to up their lives again. I DO understand..I have teens myself. This truly sucks for you and I feel for you. You have to stand up to this - it's inexcusable.
Sending you strength to get through this, whatever you decide to do!
You must have been married to a total schmuck before this to even consider putting up with this guy's bull. He sounds like a narcasistic ass.
I know your in a million different places right now because love and fear can paralyze us. If your not able to put yourself first think about your kids. They don't need to be exposed to this. Let him go.
I am so sorry for the pain this must be causing you. It is so very hard when we fall in love with someone who does not treat us the way we treat them. I am still and have been in love with a man who is emotionally unavailable.
It is so very hard to turn our love off when it is very deep seated. We can tell ourselves as often as we like that we deserve so much better than what we get back or don't get from these men, but trying to convince our hearts is another thing altogether.
((hugs))) and all the very best at letting this man go, and giving yourself the self love and freedom to move on to a better and equally loving relationship with a truly good man that you deserve.
Why are you giving his feelings of being "angry" you snooped one minutes thought? He lost his pass when he continued to blatantly lie to your face.
I absolutely understand still loving him, or at least the part of him you thought you knew and loved, but if you do not confront him with his additional lying and cheating, you are diminishing your worth to yourself and in the end we only have ourselves.
His "charm" is manipulation. His "charm" is having his cake and eating it too. His "charm" is betraying your trust. His "charm" is blame shifting by making you seem crazy for snooping.
Take time to get your feet under you after your hair has been lit on fire again. Then think of the signals you are giving your children. Do you want them settling for a liar and a cheat when they form relationships? If you let him off the hook you are teaching them to accept this behavior. Let them see a strong woman who values herself.
I am not saying you can't rebuild, but rebuilding takes TOTAL commitment from the cheating spouse (CS). Read the 180 on this board, protect yourself and do what is right for you and your legacy to your children.
1. When you are in a committed relationship, your right to privacy is extremely limited. Especially in matters that have a direct effect on that relationship. You have a right to know if he's cheating or not, and someone who isn't won't mind opening up their life to you. Loving someone exclusively means not keeping any secrets. You had every right to find out whether he was cheating once you had just cause to start checking.
2. Trust is the glue that holds an intimate relationship together. If you don't have that, what you are left with is a stressful living arrangement. It is obvious you can't trust him, and the way it is going, there is little hope that will change.
3. Because of that, based on his history, you can't believe a single word that comes out of his mouth. You can only believe actions. Actions like breaking off all contact with them, completely, totally, absolutely. Delete the FB account if he has to to accomplish that. He has to be totally transparent, allowing you full and free access to all his forms of communication. He has to tell you the truth, the full truth and be completely honest with you. Short of those concrete actions, he can say anything he wants to manipulate you, but it will mean nothing.
4. Of course you love him. I love my wife. Thankfully, she did actually do the above and now 3.5 years later, we are still happily married. But because I love my wife, if she had not done what needed doing, I would have divorced her--because I love her.
You see, what he is doing is destroying himself, the lives of his kids, as well as you and yours. It is not loving someone to enable that kind of destructive behavior. If it is obvious he won't change, maybe you leaving will bring him to his senses to actually do something about it. As long as he feels he is getting away with it, he'll have little motivation to change.
Love does what is best for the other person. In this case, it would be unloving to enable his continued behavior. Not to mention unloving for the kids and yourself as well.
5. Sounds like you are doing this, but be patient with yourself. This kind of betrayal takes months to come to a point of acceptance, maybe years. Plan your moves, don't jump the gun. Start doing the 180:
http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/healing-infidelity-through-faith/news/view/3932216
And consign yourself to the realization this probably isn't going to end well. Great if it does, but it isn't looking good. You need to be making plans for departure so when you've made your decision, you'll be ready.
I know it sucks big time to see the ideal relationship suddenly turn into a nightmare. It is life shattering. Turns your entire world upside down then shakes it real hard so everything falls apart. Unfortunately it is what it is. Unless he does a total 180 himself, I don't see this being saved. You don't wan to live this way the rest of your life.
So that you know what a 180 for him would look like, read the Healing Steps for the CS article:
http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/healing-infidelity-through-faith/news/view/4974162
You may find some of the other articles there helpful as well:
http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/healing-infidelity-through-faith/news
Do not let him use the reverse psychology on you concerning you looking through his emails.
I would absolutely let him know what I found and show him. I would also leave him. He isn't honest. He has lied to you over and over again about #2 when you already knew the deal. Let him go.... you deserve better. Much blessings!
The hard part is that we actually spent a couple of "nice" days together with his son. If we didn't have the affairs hanging over us, they would have been perfect days.
I know it was futile, but I SO wanted him to confess and come clean so we could get everything out in the open. I kept hoping. We talked on Monday and I told him that I knew about the emails with #2 and asked him to about her and how much contact he had with her.
He reluctantly said yes, they'd been in contact - but not much. And that he'd sent her an email on her birthday - like he would with any friend. (Not true). He asked where I saw the emails. When I told him that I'd looked on his computer when he wasn't around - he said that he'd left that open for me as a "test" to see if I would look and I'd "failed".
When I confronted him about the list of emails with #2 (didn't show the copies I had), he got angry and said I'd invaded his privacy again. He was going to change all the passwords, etc. and make sure he locked his computer up every time he left the desk. It was a surprisingly calm conversation - I think I was mostly numb that he could continue to lie to my face when I was clear that I'd already seen the emails. Unbelievable.
The other "discovery" was with a Facebook chat with a third woman. She is overseas in the Philippines - they'd met during his vacation on a boat tour. Started innocently enough on FB - sharing photos publicly. Then I'd noticed that they were chatting a lot - and that some of their chats were crossing the line of friendly flirting with friends. (I'm okay with all of that). When I asked him about her before - he said it was nothing, she wasn't interested in him and he wasn't in her - and that he thought she had a boyfriend. I said that she didn't act like she had a boyfriend and wondered if she knew about me. He said yes - of course she did.
I did notice before that he was sending her photos. When I asked about that - he denied it and when I looked again, the whole chat history had been deleted (yes, I know - huge fuckin' Red Flag). For a while, when we were working through #1, he did seem to back off from #3, so I let it go.
Anways - last week I looked at his FB chats and noticed that they'd picked it up - and again, the flirting was way over the line. And to top it off, he sent her a photo of him naked in bed (at least from the top up) with his 13 year old daughter - telling her what a great dad he was because she'd had a fight with his mom and he let her sleep with him.
And #3 telling him how sexy he looked in bed, and how glad she was it was his daughter, not his girlfriend because she would have been jealous. And how much she missed him. So unbelievable!
I know - how many times do I need to be beat over the head!!
It took me a couple more days of hanging back - talking to friends, and just gathering some strength (as well as not being mad at myself for still caring). Also, I wanted to get myself back from his place first before saying anything.
I finally ended it this morning. Took his belongings up to his place and gave him his stuff back. Told him it was over - it was surprisingly short and there were tears on both sides. I told him that I was walking away because I valued my worth and self-respect and would not stay in a relationship where there were so many lies. I also said that I was doing this for my daughter - so that I could look her in the eye and tell her with integrity that she NEVER needs to put up with this kind of behaviour from a man she loves.
I feel good about the decision...and still struggle with missing him. Did sent a quick text this afternoon to see if he wanted to talk - and immediately regretted it.
I know the next step is deleting him from FB, Skype, Google - but man, I am dragging my feet doing it. There's a part of me that still wants to know what he's up to - and even secretly hopes he might change. (I know he won't).
I also don't know if I should say anything to his mom or mutual friends? What do you say when people ask? I don't want to cover for him - but I also don't want to be a whining bitch who can't talk about anything else except her cheating ex. I've been around people like that - and it gets old fast.
I also wrote a long letter (not asking him back) that I've been sitting on for a week now and wondering if I should send? I don't expect a response - it's for my own closure and to say the things I didn't feel like I could say when we argued because the blame always shifted to me invading his privacy.
On the bright side - I went out with friends last night, will try and go out again tonight, and am going to a Halloween party tonight. I'm so not into a festive mood - but know I can stay home and wallow.
When people asked me, I would say, "Ask his girlfriend; she can give you a better answer" hahahaha
What can you say? Up to you depending on how well you know the person asking. For some it is enough to say, "We had some irreconcilable relationship differences." To others you want to tell, just say he had an affair and wouldn't stop. Or the girlfriend comment gets the point across too.
As far as what to tell other people keep it simple. Your don't need to announce it all or seek anybody out but if your asked Give a quick answer like "we have different definitions of monogamy" or "i figured if he wad going to behave single he may as well be single"
Whatever you can say that gets to the point without upsetting yourself .
Stay strong and busy. That should help.
What you said about looking your daughter in the eye, is powerful, and I commend you for this.
He will never change, as you know, there's no 180 to be considered here. He's gone, be glad and be done.
In regards to what to say when asked, tell the truth. I hate when people try to give a high falutin convoluted reason for something so simple, it just causes mystery and further questioning. It also makes you look like you haven't quite gotten over it yet, or there's more to the story.
Tell them the truth, you left him because he cheated on you, he lies, and you see no future with him.
I wish you great happiness and joy.