In your situation I would say it depends on your actions during the separation. If he gets to live separately, pursue his sexual trysts, and then you are still there on the side to console him and love him "fiercely" every time he comes around and shows remorse, then this pattern will just be reinforced more and get stronger.

If you totally cut him off from your fierce love until he hits bottom and internally really decides to change, then it might not be a death blow to your marriage.

Separation just gives him more freedom to up his sexual antics and get deeper involved, and will only cause a change if its a true separation from you.

Also, go have a consult with an attorney before separating just in case, and let him know you are doing this, but not in a threatening way.

This problem will follow him through his life unless he chooses to change and faces this head on because he doesn't want to be that way.

If he chooses to change and your still around then he should count his blessings.

You can decide if you deserve to be supplemented by thes ow to fulfill whatever need he has. I can't imagine accepting that.

Separating may be more liberating for you than you realize.

In my opinion he has to work inn his behavior and what drives him to do what he does

Good points, I have thought about the fact that living alone might not cause him to reflect, but rather drive him to seek even more sexual affairs, given the freedom hell have. But I feel it's a last chance and all I can think of at this time. We've tried counseling, and been apart for a few days before, but not long enough for it to ever sink in, I guess. I hate being out of control and not being able to fix things, but I have to realize I can't fix him. Only he can do that.

Even though it seems like I know everything, because he has told me stuff he didn't need to, there still could be more secrets. I don't know how I will recognize change in him either, because the whole time he treated me so great. No anger, no late nights, no clues.... So how will I know a difference???

I'm not into the open marriage thing, although it did cross my mind to let him do this as long as we kept our happy life and saved the kids from knowing, but I would NOT continue to be happy knowing he was deceiving me, and worrying that he'd fall in love with one of the sexual conquests. I'd probably start to hate him.

I believe in separation. That way you're removed a bit from the offending spouse. You'll still be dealing with a lot but at least you won't have to come in constant contact with them so you can cool off, get your head together, and may even find out you like being alone!

It seems like the only thing you are dissatisfied with is his cheating.

Unfortunately, it's one of the most significant problems a relationship can have. Furthermore, he is a repeat offender.

Cheating is not just a breach of a contract said before a priest.

IT LITERALLY PUTS THEIR PARTNER IN LIFE THREATENING DANGER and well as other health and financial problems...yet most of us focus on the emotional aspect.

Non-emotional effects:

Health: BS's get STD's (some incurable), sickness, depression, etc. Stress destroys the immune system

Wealth: BS's lose their jobs....their WS's lose their jobs. BS's lose their houses even if they don't divorce. Their life saving can be erased.

The EMOTIONAL cruelty is another topic which would fill pages on the list of impacts.

It appears that YOU may have been happy in your marriage, Your H was not evidently. He may have been happy with you, but not himself.

Now this rogue is crying after bedding all these chicks? How pathetic. He is seeking sympathy rather that addressing his issues.

Cmonge: You are correct that one size doesnt fit all. I had what people would consider a model marriage. Here is my story:

My husband was the perfect man except for the cheating. I could not fault him for anything else. He is very affectionate. We kissed and hugged everyday. We had a lunch date together every Friday for years and years. We didnt argue and had a satisfying sex life. He took care of me. I felt safe and secure and that I was the only one he would ever want.

Then after 16 years of marriage I discovered an affair. I was ripped. He was extremely remorseful, ended it and we tried to rebuild but it was never the same again. Although I forgave him, I realized he hadnt forgiven himself and it stole his joy. 5 years later I discovered another affair. This one was worse than the first. He seemed to be strongly emotionally attached to this woman.

There is no way I would be putting up with a husband who is having an affair. NO WAY! While I was trying to figure out what to do and how to do it, he was the one who moved out. Surprisingly, I was devastated, perhaps because it was so sudden. He didnt announce it. But leading up to it he went into a state of depression for several weeks, hardly eating, and lost a lot of weight. Already being slimly built, he looked haggard. He said he was in a state of mental confusion and wanted the space to sort himself out. He came back home in less than a week with tons of tears. He held me for literally 45 minutes, crying and talking all the while and told me there is no one in the world he would choose over me. I have spoken to these 2 women and they both told me he never had anything negative to say about me nor his marriage.

He left again a few days later, equally depressed and confused. To cut a long story short, it was during our separation that he confessed there were more affairs in our 21 yrs of marriage and he had been struggling. There were times in our marriage when he would hold me during the night and sob softly, but the explanation was never plausible. If we watched a movie where there was infidelity he would also cry.

After almost a year of separation I met with my lawyer to arrange a divorce. This seemed to be the game changer. When he got the letter from my lawyer, he suddenly got the strength to get up and seek counseling. All of a sudden his priorities became clear. He begged me not to follow through with the divorce and asked to come back home. I said no. He spent the next 6 months in counseling where he discovered his affairs were the result of a constant need for approval and attention traced back to his badly abusive childhood. Something I had already worked out but felt was no excuse. During those 6 months he wanted to date but I wouldnt. He visited us, and at every chance sat and told me about the counseling, that he was finally finding peace, that he was working on himself now he understand how he got his demons. He seemed different and cooperative.


I allowed him back home two months later (July of last year) on a trial basis. From day one he seemed like a different man, Im told that serial cheaters dont change so Ive been expecting to see him change back, but not yet, so far. He is peaceful, hes gained back his weight. He says sorry to me nearly every day. He is back full of life, because he has finally forgiven himself. The last time he was like this was during our early years of marriage.

Perhaps he will have another affair, perhaps not. But guess what, IT DOESNT MATTER TO ME EITHER WAY!! Because during the separation I became an amazingly strong woman. I went from hurting immensely, to very happy being alone. Ive learnt so much, I rediscovered myself and now I know how to enjoy ME much better. I also know that noone will have opportunity to hurt me like that again, because I will not become so attached to anyone again.

I am immensely happy at present. Not because of him, but because of ME and the strength that God has given to me. If he has another affair Ill send him away for good and he knows that. But it will not affect me. I know how to be happy with him and how to be happy without him, so I couldnt care less. My heart is not attached to anyone but I am faithful, kind and respectful towards him, and he is working like crazy at a good marriage.

So its not one size fits all, at all. If I felt I was hampering myself from finding a good man by staying with him, I would not have let him back. Id be on the hunt looking for that man. I happen to know though that the odds of finding that now are extremely slim.perhaps if I were younger I would put in the effort. People have all kinds of deficiencies, financial, sexual, self esteem issues, selfishness, etc, etc, that threaten happiness. These all require work. I AINT LOOKING FOR ANY WORK!

There are benefits to me giving him another chance: companionship, financial, someone to go out with, a great sex life, someone who looks after the home (the only thing he cant fix is a dead person!) etc, etc, so its worth a try. If it doesnt work, NO BIG DEAL! I know how to do it alone.

Conclusion: Do not allow your husband to disrespect you in your home. So welcome the separation. If he cant get his act together, go and get the lawyer. If he really wants the marriage he will bolt into action. But if he does not, just love yourself enough not to allow him to keep on cheating on you. Youre worth more than that, girl! Good luck and God bless.

lovin simple:
Wow! long post, but so much to say. First of all, for you to say your are "immensely happy" is huge. It makes me very happy to hear that. I want to feel "immensely happy" again too. It is so important that you are not tying your happiness to your husband, but to your own inner strength. I think I've got that, but it's been so long since I had to be a strong woman on my own, I have to unbury that part of me! I have been strong in my marriage, in that I take care of a lot of things, but face it, we do become dependent in certain ways, and it feels good not to have to do evrything on your own!
anyway, I also hate to give up the regular great sex, the companion, someone to go grocery shopping with, out to eat, watch T.v., someone who cares as much about my kids as I do, someone to be there when i'm sick, to fix things, share financial responsibility, take vacations, and on and on. As you say, it's not easy to start over with someone new anyway - especially at my age - 49! However, I don't want to be 50 or 51, or 52 and trying again to start over. I guess the best thing if this doesn't work out is to follow your lead and become comfortable and accepting of being on my own, and not expect a new better relationship.

I have to be strong in this separation. I know that will be really hard to not let him come over and visit - to actually let him suffer and feel the consequences of his choices. I will try- once he actually gets out. Finding the apartment and furnishings is taking way longer than I expected. I wish he'd just go stay with a friend - seems so much easier.

A theuraputic Separation is the best thing to give yourself, family ect. You do not end the relationship, nor do you break up or make that choice. But you do live separtly and work on yourself. It is to work on yourself individually, gain some closure, and some insite, while getting intouch with your true self. I wish I had done this years ago. When your forced to sit alone with yourself, you really do learn alot. It is a compromise to a very hard decision.

cmonge: I'm glad I was able to give you a ray of hope. Sorry for the long post but I wanted to give you a sense about my journey.

It is sad that nobody warns us about becoming too dependent on our spouses, emotionally or otherwise. Human nature is too fickle to depend on someone else for our happiness. Yet if you're too independed in a love relationship, there wouldn't be intimate love. So we need to strike a balance. I'm now learning that its possible to love someone without depending on them emotionally, and boy am I glad!!

The separation will not be easy. It is hard to sleep in an empty bed when you're used to cuddling up with your husband. Then there is the feeling of abandonment and loneliness, and failure. These are all rotten feelings that make you feel quite hopeless and depressed. But....as you spend the time looking back on your marriage, you will come to realise your husband was actually using you to prop up his lifestyle, even if he didn't intend to. You will also realise that for all you have given to the marriage, the vows, the hard work and the sacrifices, you deserve respect from this man. It is then you will start to gather strength. When you start to gather stength you will start to love yourself in a different way. When you get there, you will start to care less about what he does and who he's with. But it's not an easy journey. Be patient with yourself.

Respect for yourself comes first. Don't let him ride you by having his cake and eating it too. You are not a dog. If standing your ground causes you to lose him, ask yourself what did you really lose. The comforts he provides should never overide respect for you. I promised myself that if I end up alone (and who wants to?)I'd rather die with my dignity than let anyone walk all over me. I'm praying for you. Strength will come.

lovinsimple: tell me how the reactions to your reconciliation have been amongst friends and family (kids?). I imagine that they all knew the reason for the split, so does that make it difficult to hang out as friends again? So many people are very judgemental, (especially family since they want to protect their loved one), that I assume the past relationships are tainted forever now. Can you tell what that experience has been like? A few friends have known about past infidelities in my case, but have been really good about witholding judgement because my H is such an incredibly nice guy in every other way, but this time, with him actually moving out, more people will know, and I fear we'll never regain the same comfort level with friends/family.
This is, of course not my primary concern, but I do think about it.

In your case, separation is INEVITABLE. And it is urgently needed if there is any possibility to turn things around & work towards possible R.

Character change takes years. Becoming a proverbial "doormat" isn't going to get you there.

Don't get your hopes up either for R. You've got a SERIAL cheater on your hands. Draw the line, make your stand, ENOUGH!!

builttolast
realizing that more every day. It turns out I DO have an angry bone in my body. I was beginning to wonder. Exactly, I am DONE being a doormat. He is a bigger liar than I ever imagined. I caught him again today texting this woman. After sobbing, not sleeping, eating and begging my forgiveness for almost 3 weeks? Unbelievable. I texted the OW and she said, she thinks he was calling my bluff all along about moving out. He's getting out this weekend. I'm done at last. I don't want his "fake" affection anymore. then it makes you wonder if any of it was real? How much will I never know? UGH!!!!!

Cmonge:

That's a legitimate concern. In my case I was more concerned about people finding out about the separation before I was ready to talk. Thankfully (or not) we don't have close mutual friends. Several mutual acquaintances, yes, but not true friends. The only people who knew about the separation were my his sisters, my only close friend, and our sons. It would have devastated my mother so I had planned to tell her when the divorce proceedings were coming to a close, but of course that never happened. His sisters were devastated to tears, and our sons took it hard. When we reconciled one of his sisters didnt agree at first, but she came around eventually. Now all his sisters and my sons are happy he is back home. So there wasn't a lot of adjusting to do.

I suggest that once there is a reconciliation, the two of you together or at least him should have a chat with whichever of your friends, family who wouldn't accept him. He should have a long talk with the kids and just throw his sould to them and let them (and your friends) know how sorry he is for what he did to you, and that he will be working hard on the reconciliation.

If they really love you both , they would have to respect him for that. Which of them lead perfect lives?


My sons took the separation harit hard

Sorry, the last line was just a cut and paste error. And, it was his sisters that knew about my separation not mine. Sorry for the typo's. I was in a rush, as usual! Have a nice weekend.

Tough love really can make a difference. My story is very similar except I left as soon as I discovered it all. It depends on the dynamics of it all. Is he going to visit? Are you cutting him off? Is he committed to fixing things? Can you get past it? It is tough when they are so great in every other way. My husband visits but he knows I am not living with him again till I get my degree which will end up being 4 years total. It sounds like for you, you are still in love. The kid thing sucks...that is my top reason for trying so hard to make things work. You sound like a strong woman to be put through all this and you deserve fidelity.