Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
" i am having a very hard time these last few days. I see a CBT therapist once per month (used to be weekly), my WW and I see a MC weekly, and two weeks ago , with agreement from my WW, i see our MC individually. These solo one on one sessions w the MC just wipes me out emotionally..... she says that I turn the anger I have at my wife inwards....we talked about my childhood...being bullied, being a fat little kid, having an alcoholic mother w anger issues.... she said as an adult, i don't need bullies, because I've become my own bully. i beat myself up about things...i tell the MC that i feel that I am weak and not a real man because I am still w my WW (8 ap in 15 months)... and it bugs me so much some days that I still love her, and that i still am in love w her...and i think...what kind of man am i? my MC says its not the adult me talking at that point...its the little fat kid who was bullied , who is talking at that point... self esteem issues have plagued me all my life. the MC says we are going to work on that. The MC says i am not being fair to myself for trying to find fault in myself for my WW actions. she says my WW is 100% to blame for the actions she chose...and that the multiple affairs were not about me...they were all about my WW. I asked the MC, if nothing changed in our relationship except me looking different...like a Brad Pitt guy, does she think that would have changed anything. The MC said..NO. it wouldn't have mattered. it wouldn't have changed anything. the affairs your WW engaged in were not a reflection of you, your looks or your worth. They were all a reflection of your WW lack of boundaries, her lack of impulse control, he lack of empathy and selfishness.
but none of that makes me feel any better.
I'm almost 50 years old...and right now, almost 5.5 months after DDay, i still feel like that little sissy fat kid who never did enough to protect himself. "
but none of that makes me feel any better.
I'm almost 50 years old...and right now, almost 5.5 months after DDay, i still feel like that little sissy fat kid who never did enough to protect himself. "
For me the self esteem question is slightly different: I was never a "little sissy fat kid," but I'm no Brad Pitt either. I have my faults. (We ALL have faults of one kind or another, don't we? Even Brad Pitt.). Still, I invested 110% of myself in my marriage. Everything I did was for my wife and my children. And her stepping out is the thanks I get?? Don't I DESERVE someone better than that? Don't I deserve someone who appreciates me and all of my wonderful qualities? Don't I deserve the fairy tale wedded bliss that I was promised?
You can't blame yourself for your WW. You just can't. Your wife made a solemn commitment to you, "for better or worse." And even if you became an impoverished, lazy, morbidly obese shut-in, that doesn't justify her affairs. There are other ways to address the various problems that arise in marriage.
Should you divorce your wife? Brother, I have struggled with that question every minute of every day for the last two+ years. Fence sitting for 2 years sucks, believe me.
You were bullied as a child - okay I get that. But is divorcing your wife the time to "Man Up"? Or would divorcing her be cutting off your nose to spite your face?
See, it does the same thing for women, that we question ourselves for staying with someone who cheated. 'What kind of woman am I that I would settle for this shit?' I hear you loud and clear on that one.
This level of betrayal seems to bring up so many of our haunts and demons, for all of us. How we learned to cope is how we learned to cope. If anything, it's a good opportunity for us all to take a look at 'why we are the way we are.' It may bring some additional healing down the road.
I do like what your counselor said. Good counselor!
L~
what does that mean?
to me it is about doing things so "men" approve
i'm of the belief that a man does the right regardless of the wind
cheaters cheat because of something at their core
-the ability to fool themselves that what they are doing is justified is pretty sicko, juvenile, selfish
as for staying with your wife,
do you genuinely love her? is she remorseful and open?
if yes to both, then work to reconcile
if no to either.....well staying is just beating your head into the wall
can a cheater change?
- a fundamental tenet of christianity, is that a person can become much more than the sum of their past
I have written that thought down so many times I should just get a tattoo of it--why should I stay with someone who has betrayed me? What kind of woman does that make me? Does it make me a weak push-over?
But the truth is, if you love her and she is being remorseful, taking the blame, being open, and willing to work on your marriage, then I don't think it makes you weak. It takes a LOT of strength to rebuild. It sounds like you have a great counselor, I would listen to her.
One of my favorite quotes since all of this has happened is this, maybe it will help you too:
"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." -Mahatma Gandhi
L~
What she has done is not a reflection on you, in any way. Her affairs are a reflection of her character and personality, and have nothing to do with you. She would have done the same to Brad Pitt.
You are no less of a person because you are deciding to stay with your CS. But what you do now, and how you maneuver your way through this, will pave the road for the rest of your life.
Your beauty and uniqueness lies within you, and you need to believe in yourself. There is nothing wrong with a sissy fat kid either, he is a worthwhile and valuable person. Those who can't see that, don't belong in your life. It's what's inside that counts, always has and always will.
I wish you well.