Anger, thats my favorite. I don't know how i can help and advise you in anyway as i myself am looking for answers. I just found out a little less then to months ago that my husband who I have been with since 2000 and married since 2010 cheated on me. Anger helps sometimes, I exercise and try to let the frustration out and sometimes that helps. I dont know you but if you could beat cancer, your much stronger then you know. All I keep hearing is that it will take time, almost 2 months and i can say that I have my good days and i have my bad and sometimes the good are really good. There are triggers, like memories and photos and even just a random thought or something he says that will trigger all that pain back and it's like the first day all over again. I made the choice to forgive but what is hard for me is forgetting and like you mentioned seeing their movie together. Why did I choose to stay and forgive because i still love the A-hole, we have a 5yr daughter and a mortgage, and because he seem truly sorry and remorseful. How do i believe and or trust him, honest answer I don't, he has to earn it back, and together we are working on our needs and wants and better communication. We have our great days and we have some not so great days, again people say it's a process, I am so tired of the process and the pain. Whatever you choose make sure you take your time and choose what is right for you and no one else. I hope things get better for you soon

I'm very sorry you are going through this. Take a moment to read my post "Welcome to the newly betrayed". It outlines a few first steps, what to look for etc. As for the fugly affair partner...they virtually always trade down. Its kind of shocking because most of us (wrongly) conclude that we must not have been xyz enough so that's why our partner cheated. Nope. Its because of the massive self entitlement. They are wired differently. As for do you stay or do you go...only you can decide that. Look at the post, set and enforce some boundaries if you decide to stick it out, line up your ducks just in case, get to really understand your true (self) worth. Cheaters always counter with "You're the only one I want. It was a mistake. I didn't mean to. Etc". All those lines are old and tired and straight out of the cheaters handbook. Look for actions and ignore the words. I wish you well! And no, no smiley faces here on the infidelity board...ugh

All- please tell me if I'm responding to these posts correctly. Can you respond to individual posts? This is my first forum/group. Thank you.

Thank you PrincessJazzi, ♥ God Bless, you made it to two months. I don't know how you do it. At this point I have so much hate in my heart I'm always shaking and this is definitely not the way I wanted to lose those holidays pounds. I know I need to care for myself above all but... I think one of the worst things is being up all night sobbing and listening to your husband sleep like a baby and snore! Can you tell me if you've been able to even think about intimacy at 2 months? I told my husband I'm not sure if I can ever be intimate again. He says that's a "deal breaker" What an A-hole! I think one of the worst parts of all of this is how dirty and defiled I feel. I don't know how to explain it. Calling the doctor today for std checks. What he's exposed to me physically and emotionally. Does Lorena Bobbitt have a fan club because I'm in. I'm sending good thoughts, healing, peace and strength to you. It sounds like we're in the same boat.

betrayedtodeath - thank you so much. I read your post and it's great. I'm definitely going to follow those steps. At least as soon as I can muster. It really amazes me how quickly he wants to get over this part. Like my healing and pain is an inconvenience for him. I'm guessing that's probably not a good sign for us. But I will have him read that book and we're scheduled for counseling in a couple weeks. I've never broken down and gone through counseling before but then again I've never been this completely broken. Didn't even tear me down to the foundation but completely ripped the foundation out.

@utterheartbreak your replies are coming though just fine on here. But ummm no the "hurry up and just get over it already", "I don't want to hear any more about your pain" and "why can't we just have crazy monkey sex" crap is not the way to healing. Sounds like he doesn't get it at all. Be cautious at couples counseling. It is usually done after 6 months of each going to individual counseling, not right of the bat. The reason I say be caution is because I have been through it. The first time I didn't know he was cheating but something felt off. Of course I rushed to book an appointment to see how (I) we could improve our marriage. He sat there through several sessions complaining about how angry I was and how basically all our problems were my fault. I gobbled that crap right up and worked even harder trying to be perfect. But you see he was cheating that whole time. There was absolutely nothing wrong with *me* but I did all the heavy lifting and then even more heavy lifting in the marriage. Very damaging to me. This time around once I discovered his cheating, we each went to counseling on our own for a year before I would even consider couples counseling.

And the Lorena Bobbitt fan club? Charter member here. The anger can be to your benefit. It can fuel you to get stuff done. Take action. Make copies of important papers. Check bank account balances. Cover your butt.

No sex is a deal breaker for him? I would counter with "adultery was a deal breaker for me". Don't rush to have sex until you are STD tested. And even then, there is what is called "hysterical bonding" and while that can be good sex, it is not intimacy from a place of love or devotion.

He sleeps like a baby while you're up all night. So very common. He lacks empathy and maybe even a conscience. What I hear is that he is calling the shots. His needs. His wants. Time to change that tune.

Amen, I hear you. I'm sensing a pattern here with the entitlement, the selfishness from both men (I use the term "men" loosely). I hear that repeatedly from him, if we go to counseling "don't expect it to be all me, you have to take some of the blame" Really? I really think he just doesn't want to face the music. He doesn't want anyone to know. he doesn't want to talk about it, of course. I never would have known had I not found that post of her post sex on the internet, so disgusting. And then, he has the nerve to turn it around on me and say "if you wouldn't have kept digging we would be fine right now". Can you believe it? I mean I'm sure there were things we had to work on. Married life is never perfect and it takes work. But I thought we were working towards the same goals for years. Typically I'm a type A personality. You sound like a strong intelligent lady. I just don't get it, I don't get mean. They just want their cake and to eat it too. Honestly I think they are just all pigs and never to be trusted, ever!. Oh there's my hate, sorry. Boo hoo stuff is usually not my style. Life is hard, but...come on! I can't even be in the same room with him right now. I'm not sure how we'll be intimate again. The worst part is we had hysterical bonding already but that was about him losing his job and that's when I thought (and believed) that they were just friends and just had "coffee" together. So the fact that we had all that hot sex for months is just killing me now. Thinking about where he has been. Good God, how I wanted to believe his lies. The lies just keep on coming.

I can guarantee you are married to narcissistic cheater.

The tell tale signs are that:
- he isn't showing genuine remorse for betraying is marriage vow to you.
- he wants you to just get over it. That's call spackeling.
- he wants you to accept blame not only for his cheating
- but for being intelligent enough to keep digging for honesty and answers

I truly believe you will find that he is a man who had multiple partners over the years. He wants you to stop digging so you won't find out what a gigantic ass hat he really is.

Visit: https://www.chumplady.com

You'll see your husband and your relationship replicated a thousand times over on that site. It will teach you language to talk about his behavior.

The counseling initially is all about him and the blame is his alone. He is the one who cheated, not you. Be very careful with this one in couples counseling! Take no blame. I hope you get a decent therapist who won't allow him to hijack the session and dump it all on you. If it heads that direction you have to put a stop to it.

A few terms to familiarize yourself with: Impression management (don't want others to know what they have done).
Gaslighting (You're crazy! I never said that. You must be imagining things).
Blame shifting (If you weren't so wrapped up taking care of the kids and therefore unavailable to me I wouldn't have had to look elsewhere).
Trickle truth (I never had sex with her. Ok I did but it was once once and it was just a BJ. OK I had sex with her but it was just once and she took advantage of me when I was drunk. Ok I had sex with her for 5 years...)

Many cheaters follow a very similar pattern of behavior and have similar character/morals/conscience deficits. Its a tiny bit easier when you know what to look for, what the translation is, and if you're basically being played. They ALL want to have their cake and eat it too. My husband would have continued to deny with his last breath had I not had concrete irrefutable proof. When I confronted him, his response was utter fury at me for looking through his phone. "How could you look through my private things! Why can't you trust me? You just ruined everything!". I too thought we were working together towards the same goals. We just emptied the nest, married now 30 years, I had dreams for us. I too believed all the lies. I never imagined in a million years this would have happened to me. I am not a trusting person by nature, but I married a liar and a cheater unbeknownst to me so that made me blind to who he really was. I too engaged in hysterical bonding (not knowing what it was at the time but grateful for any attention after being ignored for years) and it feels humiliating now in hindsight. A really base form of pick-me dancing. But in my next lifetime I will do better because I know better. Cheating really is the worst thing someone can do to someone they claim to love. Things can be different but they will never be the same.

Thank you Gutted ♥, I'm on it. That's exactly what I need right now. I feel like everything is spinning out of control and I think I'm going to need that guidance to find the words to attach to my feelings. I've been such a sucker and it's really not my style but here I stand. I'm very grateful to you and everyone here. I've been hesitant to ask for help. Asking for help I think must be one of the hardest things for to do, at least for me. What a narcissistic a**hole. I just wish I could make sound decision right now. I guess what bothers me the most is he literally had a thousand opportunities to make the right decision. It was all planned out, there was thought and deliberation involved to make this double life work. Not once out of all those opportunities did he choose me or his family. Yet he professes his love.

Betrayedtodeath-♥
Absolutely amazing how all these things ring true. I'm sensing a theme. He does all these things mentioned in the terms you posted. It sounds like it is truly more like science, unbelievable. I guess we all fit into categories somehow. I probably must too. I read your post. Right now I also have a zero tolerance policy as well. Everything is transparent. Down to receipts and GPS. At least the things that I can truly point to and say "that's an avenue" for you to....but dear Lord it's exhausting. I didn't trust him before and now? Well it would probably be safe to say we're in the negative territory, Is this incessant monitoring worth it? My suspicions were probably just instinct but he sure made me think I was crazy. He has of course, promised complete honesty (now) but that is what I thought we had before. Truly it sickens me to think what a good liar he was. To the point that I don't trust my own judgement now. Just in your own personal experience are there good days for you as a couple now? Things that make it still all worthwhile? Is there a constant cloud looming overhead? I guess I can say that my husband is still my best friend and the worst part may be I want to share everything with him. But then again a true best friend would not do what he has done.

Oh, and would anyone happen to know of any good books for me to read about all this? Thank you

Oh this is a work in progress with regard to our personal situation. His come to Jesus moment was when he realized I would totally file and file at-fault. He agreed to a post-up. Without that and his individual counseling I never would have agreed to stay and try to work it out. Even still, I wear no rose colored glasses. Time will tell. What I can say absolutely is, knowing what I do now, if this had happened 10-20 years ago I would have divorced. I would have had the opportunity to make a whole new life for myself. Who know, that could still happen if things don't go right.

Good days? They're different days. Because what I thought were good days before were really not authentic due to the lies and deceit. I'm waiting for a good day, nearly 2 years out from DDay. But there are no awful days. That is some sort of twisted progress I guess.

Books to read: Anything by George Simon (Character Disorders, In Sheeps Clothing), Chump Lady (Leave a Cheater Gain A Life...but if you stay in your marriage at least be willing to forgive yourself for trying. She advocates leaving 100% and that can be a bitter pill if you're hopeful or on the fence. Read the book you ordered for your husband before you give it to him. You will feel like you could have written it yourself!

Individual counseling for you if you can swing it. You need to learn to trust yourself again after all the lies, gaslighting and blame shifting. Years of that takes a toll on your psyche. Ask me how I know. My C-PTSD is not anywhere near as bad as on DDay and the days following but it is not gone. Not by a long shot. And being the Marriage Police is an awful way to live. You need to give that up for your own peace of mind, regardless if you stay or go.

I can't thank you enough for your honesty, openness and willingness to share. It's funny, I guess I never thought I would be in this position. This is what happens to other couples right? Funny how life likes to get up and smack you in the face just when your just getting comfortable. I would like us to stay together, I think?
I'm definitely in some sort of flight or fight mode here and I'm even afraid to have a glass of wine or something. I feel as though any second I may have to jump to my feet and perform some great task. And the constant shivering and visual imagery is driving me mad. PTSD is a good thing to call it because that's exactly how I feel right now. I am absolutely praying for some sort of respite.
It's funny, in a way I don't want him to have individual counseling. I know he'll pull his poor me routine and gain sympathy from whomever. I feel like he doesn't deserve that kind of attention. It fuels him and I just want the "narcissist cheater" to suffer. That part of me is probably wrong but I guess that's just how I feel right now.
Hoping for some good days ahead, some not so awful days. It still boggles me how the cheaters all seem to have a fall back dialogue or script they go by. Absolutely textbook.

I am a LEOW too. It’s been over 3 years. I didn’t believe them when they said it takes 2 years. 2 years to get back to a place that feels normal. Well we are happier than we were before the A. We have changed the way our relationship works. He is ashamed of how he treated me for so many years. He didn’t treat me bad, no yelling no fighting. But there weren’t flowers. He had me doing everything including work.. while he worked. Not the case anymore!
His ah ha moment.. a book.. “how to help your spouse heal from your affair” by Linda MacDonald
It’s 280 pages... sit and watch him read it!
I am routing for you, what ever you choose!
Married 30 yrs
DDAY 10-28-2104

Im so sorry for what you are going through. I think we all can relate to your current phase of anger and disbelieve, we all have been through it, or still in it. As much pain as you feel now, It will slowly get better for you, heck you are a strong person surviving cancer, you sure will survive this, With or without him, you will, I promise it will get a bit easier down the road once the dust settles.
Can your marriage be fixed, that's tough to say just yet, there's a good post a bit further down "welcome to the newly betrayed" with good advice as to what to expect from your CS. also the book "how to help your spouse heal" is good for him and you to read and if he's not doing everything in the book, it wont work.
Remember he choose to cheat, this is his responsibility and choice, not your fault, maybe there were contributing factors, but its not cool if a partner just goes cheat as soon as married life gets a little tough, don't allow him to blame you.
Also you cant change him and you cant safe a marriage on your own, you can only change your own future and actions, not his. he needs to be 100% committed and in for repair, otherwise it wont work.
You got this. Just keep reminding yourself that you beat cancer, you got a second change at life, don't let him ruin it. Hugs stay strong

I'm so sorry you are going through this :(. As others have commented, we've all felt that sting of betrayal and disbelief. I too was blindsided like that. As I was going to work each day and them coming home and taking care of our small child and our home, he was having an affair with a co-worker. I felt the same as you: "I thought I knew him!" I don't think you need to make any concrete decisions right now. Give yourself some time. You are so strong! Show him this won't break you. Act confident and secure around him but if you need to go have a good cry in private, then by all means. It is NOT your fault he cheated, just as other have said. IF you want to try to save your marriage, there is hope. He needs to be completely sorry and remorseful. Maybe seek out a good marriage counselor? And separate therapy might be a good idea also. Is he still seeing the other woman (OW)? All contact with her needs to completely stop. My ex wouldn't change jobs to have no contact with her so he had to leave our home. I wanted our marriage to work but it takes two. I went back to church and got into a support group called Divorce Care. It helped immensely. I let him file for divorce so I didn't have to carry that burden also, along with everything else. I coped, I got through it, and my daughter and I have had a good life ever since. He and I can co-parent peacefully, as he apologized and asked for forgiveness. You have a lot of support, you will get through this no matter the outcome. Hugs!!