That is certainly true of my H/CS, his love was shallow, I teased him about being "shallow Hal" from the movie....I know I was not always "loving", my hurt(from his behaviors)and anger, our disagreements, our normal life, work, family(blended, the Brady Bunch lied)an old house and lots of other opposition that came against us, but I often told people who told me to leave him, to end the miserable marriage, that I could not, because I loved him so deeply, that I could not imagine ever living without him in my life and now to find out who he really is and what he is capable of, is making me re think if this will last, beyond this affair, my hurt is as deep as my love, and sadly sometimes the hurt is deeper than even my love goes, and I am relying on God's love to cover that, but I am only human, and I miss laughing, I miss feeling loved and safe and protected, cherished, I miss dreaming of my future, I miss KNOWING my love is being felt and returned, I miss being "in love", I miss being treated like I matter more than life itself, because now I know I don't matter any more than his next fix, and yes it may take a bit of time before he goes there again, but what will stop him when the "right" opportunity presents itself. I guess I should just face the fact that this is over, he ended it and I am holding onto what I wanted so badly that really doesn't exsist anymore, it has been given to another, and then thrown away like trash SORRY I hope this doesn't take this thread where it was not intended....this pain is overwhelming....if only I did not love him as much as I do, I COULD LET GO....

I personally think a lot of people float around like a fart in the wind - sorry bad analogy - but if someone is giving the CS attention and blowing smoke up their butts - they do not have the intelligence level to see that this is just smoke blowing up their butts to get into their pants etc.

The CS gains from this because they get extra awesomeness attention coming their way - their egos go on high alert of super coolness - all the sudden - resentment comes into play because normally our (the BS) reaction is to hold on for the family so then it becomes a game for the CS - love triangle - attention from all over the place - parents/family/friends/co workers/brothers/sisters - from the BS to the AP all giving attention whether it be positive or negative to the CS. They are now center stage of crazytown.

This is the awesomeness high they get and they love the me me me attention and the pay back of whatever else goes on in their mind if their realtionship is not 100% perfect and here is this other person (AP) over here saying a ton of crap that they haven't heard in a long time cause life is doing life.

I would love to interview AP in general to see what makes them tick - what really goes on in their head to think that a married person is a smart investment - is such an appeal with all the complexities a normal single person/realtionship has and divistation these things bring - they must be on a scale of 1 - messed up - a total mess up.

It is all about something called 'capacity to love'. In the same way people have different capacities for playing a sport, cooking, writing, public speaking, etc., etc., people have different capacities for love. Some people love more deeply than others and we should never assume that someone will love us back the way we love them. Some people love because of the way loving makes them feel, not so much how it makes the other feel, so that when the other gains a few extra pounds the love easily declines. Some can only love when life is easy, but when there is difficulty they take flight or gravitate to another where life seems easier. Some love you only when you are doing what they want. Some love you only when you are young and attractive or not yet bald.

And then they are those who learned to love from God who is what love is anyway. Thats a different kind of love. It is sacrificial, selfless and pure. When two people are so blessed to be capable of such a love for each other, the love between them is simply out of this world! Ive learnt that those who are capable of deep and lasting love are very few.

my exS loved me to the best of his ability
so while there were betrayals, a good number of them worse than infidelity, i can take comfort in that one small truth, that he loved me about as much as he is able to love anyone

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZnjonRIvHzo

he was a leaf, on Madea's tree analogy
thats all he can ever be

my job is to recognize a person who is as solid as the roots on that tree

((hugs))

Come on, onyx. I fell for it and I doubt anyone here would suggest that I'm not intelligent. Intellect and emotions happen in separate parts of the brain, and addiction is a whole other factor.

I would find it easier to respect your comments if you didn't make such obviously flawed statements as 'cheaters are stupid' or 'cheaters are bad parents', etc. There is just no one-size-fits-all answer, and often one factor has very little or no correlation to the other.

she, are you just as addicted to impono as he is to affirmations? When you say "this pain is overwhelming....if only I did not love him as much as I do, I COULD LET GO..." doesn't that sound familiar? Don't we CS often say the same thing about our AP and the pain of the A?

Terence Gorski, in Addictive Relationships, talks about getting into a relationship and expecting one's partner to 'blow mymind...on demand'. To be a living, breathing drug who will always make me feel good. He also talks about the masks we wear and the games we play in order to keep our supply of that drug close at hand. Even when it hurts like hell we will cling to each other and try to make it work because 'I just can't live without him'.

No less addictive or dysfunctional than an affair. The story just had a different beginning is all. And because this is the basis, and drugs are interchangeable, one or both partners is at constant risk of being replaced. That just makes us work harder at the head games to keep it all together.

Power and control, dysfunction, and addictive thinking where love and logical trust need to be.

Well maybe in the human sense however I believe when we marry we become ONE, so he is a part of me, and I am a part of him, he is the one who has betreayed that God ordained union, not me, and no one hates a part of themselves but loves it with a passion, with protection, addiction to making it the best, caring for it....so I just don't know anymore, I can't imagine my life with out him, we really were so very good together, so intune, he got really fucked up...so am I just suppose to give up, walk away, ABANDON him like he abandoned me, IS THAT THE ANSWER TO END MY SUFFERING

Well, she, I think your belief system has you locked into a deeply dysfunctional pattern. I hope you find a way out of your codependence, but I don't think that can happen as long as you hold on to that belief that you are One.

I believe that you have to be whole as an individual first. If you are both incomplete and join together to be One, then the neither is never truly complete. One person must always take from the other in order to be whole, leaving the other desperately empty. It is much healthier and functional to both be whole and, when you marry, become a solid Two.

And, if you're asking me, then YES!!! WALKING AWAY IS THE SIMPLE PATH TO ENDING YOUR PAIN!!!

Hmmm ... the only unconditional love I've ever had is for my child. The rest are conditional - some more than others.

I honestly don't think it has anything to do with intelligence or capacity or any of the other things mentioned so far. Infidelity is more about filling a hole rather than giving or getting love. In our case, I think my H had a spiritual void he was desperately trying to fill with things that were temporarily - porn, alcohol, dating sites and eventually another woman.

fiber maybe you should go back to the CA board and stay there and cheer the crowd with their choices for self...you seem to seek me out, just ot bash my pain, to bash whatever I put out, am I hitting your nerve because you are "hurting" mine, alot...sorry onyx11, I can't send this privately to her....I appologize in advance, hopefully she will answer me privately

Fiber - I like your comments normally but please - don't take anything anyone is writing personally - no one is talking about you or your situation - ever and you seem to comment as if we are.

Please try to dissect yourself from most of folks comments - we are not in anyway shape or form referring to you.

I also believe that when we married we became "one". We both have brought something to this relationship that neither of us were capable of creating on our own. And maybe neither one of us were "whole" when we got together, but became whole together and neither of us feel desperately empty inside. We always seemed to complete each other and I believe that is the definition of finding ones Soul Mate.
Back when the Betrayal happened he was trying to fill a hole in his life at the time that had nothing to do with me. It's hard for me to accept that, but it is the truth. He was miserable in his own right with all the structure he had to endure in the military, he is not a person to live by structure and it drove him crazy! He has said this from the get-go...even before I found out about the A. I knew that he was miserable and there was nothing I could do about it. I certainly didn't choose for him to go and do what he did, but I didn't cause it either. I don't know what he thought he would accomplish by eventually giving in and doing what he did, but all it did was cause him to hate himself even more.

He loves me very deeply. I love him just as deeply. And I know that walking away would not be a simple way to ending my pain!! B/c then would I not only have to deal with the never ending pain of the A, but then I would have to live my life w/o him to boot and I just cannot do that! I prefer instead to try to deal with the pain, move on and continue our lives together.....eventually. Today I'm just going to try and cope the best I can until I can get past this. I do think that some ppl are only capable of certain depths of love, and others more, but for us.....my H and I are both on the same level for each other and we have enjoyed it for 20 years....yes there have been bumps and bruises in the road and there have been hurts, but ultimately we have worked through it b/c of our love for each other. And I have no doubt that we will work through this also it just takes time. Lots of time.

I have told him I hate what he did and that I hate that I have to go through all this pain b/c of what he did. He therefore regrets ever having told me. I don't blame him, but I needed to know and I need to deal with it. I sometimes think I would have rather not have known to some extent, but ultimately I really needed to know in order to move forward. I know he feels bad, I know he doesn't want to talk about, but I NEED to. I can't keep everything pushed down inside simply b/c he feels bad and doesn't want to talk about it. But it makes me feel bad when I need to talk about it b/c I know he does not want to. I just try to pick and choose my battles. I do my best to get through the day w/o any questions or saying anything about it even though it is on my mind ceaselessly! Like I said, some days are better than others.......

onyx, when you refer to 'they', meaning CS, while you may not be referring to me specifically, I am included in the group to shixh you refer. If you are not referring to that group as a whole maybe you could be more specific in qualifying such statement.

No, she, I don't seek you out in particular. Our paths happen to cross because we post on the same boards. I answered your question because you posed it. If you are not open to input that could be communicated by prefacing your post as a vent.

When one's wholeness depends on having their partner when the relationship is co-dependent and generally disempowering for one or the other. When both come to the relationship whole there is healthy interdependence and co-empowerment. Given that most of the population is dysfunctional in one way or another, this kind of relationship may be rare but no less worth aiming for.