Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
Again from the article but I think people may find some real value in this.
I think the term "shallow" at least hits home for what my situation was really about (along with resentment).
"I believe many people have a very shallow understanding of love"
They get married thinking they love their mate, but in reality they love how their mate makes them feel about themselves. If thats the case, they will continue in the relationship as long as the marriage continues to make them happy. But if, for whatever reason, the marriage ceases to make them happy, or if they find someone or something that makes them feel even better, then it wont be long until the allure of doing something else begins to draw them elsewhere.
Fully article -
Did he ever really love me?
This one is hard to answer. It all depends on how you define love. One thing for certain, if someone betrays their mate, I know what theyve done is not loving. However, I believe every human being is capable of loving someone and at the same time, in a moment of selfishness, act in ways that are contrary to love. Loving your mate in no way precludes you from being angry with them and saying something hurtful. I understand that saying something hurtful certainly isnt in the same league as a betrayal, but if your love for your mate isnt sufficient to keep you from acting in a way thats unloving towards them, then their love for you may not be sufficient to keep them from doing something hurtful to you.
On the other hand, I believe many people have a very shallow understanding of love. They get married thinking they love their mate, but in reality they love how their mate makes them feel about themselves. If thats the case, they will continue in the relationship as long as the marriage continues to make them happy. But if, for whatever reason, the marriage ceases to make them happy, or if they find someone or something that makes them feel even better, then it wont be long until the allure of doing something else begins to draw them elsewhere. If that occurs, does it mean they never loved you? Again, its hard to know anothers heart, but it is possible that their journey into the forbidden may have also opened their eyes and helped them realize that youre what they really cherish. At the very least, if they are choosing to work on the relationship, I believe their betrayal and your response may be the very thing that begins to teach them the true meaning of love.
I think the term "shallow" at least hits home for what my situation was really about (along with resentment).
"I believe many people have a very shallow understanding of love"
They get married thinking they love their mate, but in reality they love how their mate makes them feel about themselves. If thats the case, they will continue in the relationship as long as the marriage continues to make them happy. But if, for whatever reason, the marriage ceases to make them happy, or if they find someone or something that makes them feel even better, then it wont be long until the allure of doing something else begins to draw them elsewhere.
Fully article -
Did he ever really love me?
This one is hard to answer. It all depends on how you define love. One thing for certain, if someone betrays their mate, I know what theyve done is not loving. However, I believe every human being is capable of loving someone and at the same time, in a moment of selfishness, act in ways that are contrary to love. Loving your mate in no way precludes you from being angry with them and saying something hurtful. I understand that saying something hurtful certainly isnt in the same league as a betrayal, but if your love for your mate isnt sufficient to keep you from acting in a way thats unloving towards them, then their love for you may not be sufficient to keep them from doing something hurtful to you.
On the other hand, I believe many people have a very shallow understanding of love. They get married thinking they love their mate, but in reality they love how their mate makes them feel about themselves. If thats the case, they will continue in the relationship as long as the marriage continues to make them happy. But if, for whatever reason, the marriage ceases to make them happy, or if they find someone or something that makes them feel even better, then it wont be long until the allure of doing something else begins to draw them elsewhere. If that occurs, does it mean they never loved you? Again, its hard to know anothers heart, but it is possible that their journey into the forbidden may have also opened their eyes and helped them realize that youre what they really cherish. At the very least, if they are choosing to work on the relationship, I believe their betrayal and your response may be the very thing that begins to teach them the true meaning of love.
The CS gains from this because they get extra awesomeness attention coming their way - their egos go on high alert of super coolness - all the sudden - resentment comes into play because normally our (the BS) reaction is to hold on for the family so then it becomes a game for the CS - love triangle - attention from all over the place - parents/family/friends/co workers/brothers/sisters - from the BS to the AP all giving attention whether it be positive or negative to the CS. They are now center stage of crazytown.
This is the awesomeness high they get and they love the me me me attention and the pay back of whatever else goes on in their mind if their realtionship is not 100% perfect and here is this other person (AP) over here saying a ton of crap that they haven't heard in a long time cause life is doing life.
I would love to interview AP in general to see what makes them tick - what really goes on in their head to think that a married person is a smart investment - is such an appeal with all the complexities a normal single person/realtionship has and divistation these things bring - they must be on a scale of 1 - messed up - a total mess up.
And then they are those who learned to love from God who is what love is anyway. Thats a different kind of love. It is sacrificial, selfless and pure. When two people are so blessed to be capable of such a love for each other, the love between them is simply out of this world! Ive learnt that those who are capable of deep and lasting love are very few.
so while there were betrayals, a good number of them worse than infidelity, i can take comfort in that one small truth, that he loved me about as much as he is able to love anyone
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZnjonRIvHzo
he was a leaf, on Madea's tree analogy
thats all he can ever be
my job is to recognize a person who is as solid as the roots on that tree
((hugs))
I would find it easier to respect your comments if you didn't make such obviously flawed statements as 'cheaters are stupid' or 'cheaters are bad parents', etc. There is just no one-size-fits-all answer, and often one factor has very little or no correlation to the other.
Terence Gorski, in Addictive Relationships, talks about getting into a relationship and expecting one's partner to 'blow mymind...on demand'. To be a living, breathing drug who will always make me feel good. He also talks about the masks we wear and the games we play in order to keep our supply of that drug close at hand. Even when it hurts like hell we will cling to each other and try to make it work because 'I just can't live without him'.
No less addictive or dysfunctional than an affair. The story just had a different beginning is all. And because this is the basis, and drugs are interchangeable, one or both partners is at constant risk of being replaced. That just makes us work harder at the head games to keep it all together.
Power and control, dysfunction, and addictive thinking where love and logical trust need to be.
I believe that you have to be whole as an individual first. If you are both incomplete and join together to be One, then the neither is never truly complete. One person must always take from the other in order to be whole, leaving the other desperately empty. It is much healthier and functional to both be whole and, when you marry, become a solid Two.
I honestly don't think it has anything to do with intelligence or capacity or any of the other things mentioned so far. Infidelity is more about filling a hole rather than giving or getting love. In our case, I think my H had a spiritual void he was desperately trying to fill with things that were temporarily - porn, alcohol, dating sites and eventually another woman.
Please try to dissect yourself from most of folks comments - we are not in anyway shape or form referring to you.
Back when the Betrayal happened he was trying to fill a hole in his life at the time that had nothing to do with me. It's hard for me to accept that, but it is the truth. He was miserable in his own right with all the structure he had to endure in the military, he is not a person to live by structure and it drove him crazy! He has said this from the get-go...even before I found out about the A. I knew that he was miserable and there was nothing I could do about it. I certainly didn't choose for him to go and do what he did, but I didn't cause it either. I don't know what he thought he would accomplish by eventually giving in and doing what he did, but all it did was cause him to hate himself even more.
He loves me very deeply. I love him just as deeply. And I know that walking away would not be a simple way to ending my pain!! B/c then would I not only have to deal with the never ending pain of the A, but then I would have to live my life w/o him to boot and I just cannot do that! I prefer instead to try to deal with the pain, move on and continue our lives together.....eventually. Today I'm just going to try and cope the best I can until I can get past this. I do think that some ppl are only capable of certain depths of love, and others more, but for us.....my H and I are both on the same level for each other and we have enjoyed it for 20 years....yes there have been bumps and bruises in the road and there have been hurts, but ultimately we have worked through it b/c of our love for each other. And I have no doubt that we will work through this also it just takes time. Lots of time.
I have told him I hate what he did and that I hate that I have to go through all this pain b/c of what he did. He therefore regrets ever having told me. I don't blame him, but I needed to know and I need to deal with it. I sometimes think I would have rather not have known to some extent, but ultimately I really needed to know in order to move forward. I know he feels bad, I know he doesn't want to talk about, but I NEED to. I can't keep everything pushed down inside simply b/c he feels bad and doesn't want to talk about it. But it makes me feel bad when I need to talk about it b/c I know he does not want to. I just try to pick and choose my battles. I do my best to get through the day w/o any questions or saying anything about it even though it is on my mind ceaselessly! Like I said, some days are better than others.......
No, she, I don't seek you out in particular. Our paths happen to cross because we post on the same boards. I answered your question because you posed it. If you are not open to input that could be communicated by prefacing your post as a vent.