Well I wish I could help you, but I'm just now thinking about what that will be like. It's the most dreadful thought for me, and my kids are 17 and 20! But our family was strong. We still vacationed together, ate dinner together, thinking about holidays, softball teams my son and husband played on together, and my daughter and I would always go too. I am only separated, but that is what is stopping me from moving forward with divorce more than anything, I have seen so many issues with step families, and I must don't believe it can ever be the same for the kids. I know divorce can be inevitable, but I am still so idealistic and wish it could be avoided for me.
I am sorry for your pain that you have to face this. Make your times with kids as pleasant as possible and establish new traditions. Hugs and luck to you.

Maybe I do have advice. Think of your life as a new family unit. Not the same one you started out with, but a family unit in a new sense. You still have each other (you and your kids).
And try to enjoy your free and single time. Fill it with activities you could not do when tied down with kid responsibilities.

Thank you - I have always said to my STBX that it takes a village to raise a family - She probably counted on me staying put while she went off into happiness via sin - fantasy land with her AP.

My boys are 4 and 7 and yes you actually put it right - I always thought that I would be together forever once married and we did get through a serious health issue with my STBX me nursing her back to health - her almost losing her vision in one of her eyes - The death of the family is saddest to me - but there is nothing I can do - I drew a line in the sand when it comes to infidilty - I can excuse pretty much anything else but that.

My boys and I have so much fun together and do so many activities - zoo, mall, sports, math, the world map, games, fishing etc.

I asked my youngest if he was upset or mad that mommy is no longer here - he said he was fine with it - that all her yelling all the time got to him and he said she seems very upset all the time when he is with her.

I beleive that families can be redefined if necessary. If you and your stbex can find amicable terms, the newly defined family can function respectfully. It's when one or both partners can't agree on terms that makes it tough.

I would think that if at some point there are new people in your lives there would be rules and timelines as to when those people would become part of the unit.

For example, you could say, we need to atleast show up to and be pleasant for sporting events, and pre holiday celebrations as well as portions of birthday. Maybe on a child's actual bday you could agree to cut cake together but the children have two seperated family parties.

You could sit down with inlaws and express the need to be amicable for the sake of the children. That doesn't mean vacations, and weekly dinners but some sense of family for the children.

I've seen my friiend go through this years ago. Her ex and her were hateful during the custody battle but eventually were able to be friends for the child's sake. Infact he was at many bday parties and functions and she was invited to his wedding years later.

Outside of these events dealing with their child together they are not friends but being able to be in the same room and celebrate with your child/children is so important.

I'm just saying that it can be done. When I first seperated with my H (before dday) I was able to attend a family gathering for his family. It was nice to try to find a new normal. Well until a few weeks later and my real new normal (dday) came crashing down.

Well, I hope I gave you some food for thought.
Pink

Onyx:

Reading your post just makes me sad. Families were meant to be together and its the reason so many spouses put up with so much stuff, trying to make things work for the sake of the family unit. People who don't understand just say they are foolish or have low self esteem. But everybody has a limit and you know where yours was.

Remarkably though, children are stronger than we think, and often it is the parent who feels the pain the most, as may be happening in your case. All said, children of divorce, though they often strive well, do no forget the impact and loss of security of a broken home.

Onyx, I've read a couple of your posts and If what you are saying is true, if you were not driving your wife away, I have to say I think your wife succommed to a state of mental confusion and/or some crazy life phase brought on by God knows what. I also believe she will wake up and come to her senses and will ask you back..........too late. As a woman, I have faith in that because what she did is out of line with what is natural for a woman. You probably think I am presumptuous for saying and thinking that but I happen to know of a few women who went through some crazy phase in life and did some harmful things to their husbands and families and then suddenly .........came to.

Anyway, all you can do for your children is to shower them with love. In some ways you can be closer than if your EX was around. Perhaps if you marry again it may get better, but there's always that want for a complete blood family. Like everything else though, time will heal/take care of it. Sending you ((hugs)).

Hi onyx11, I don't have children but I can understand what you are saying. Those things they do break up a family and it is painful but children are very resilient. I am sure you are a loving caring father and that's all they need. As a daughter I can tell you that I am happy if my parents are happy regardless. If the separation is for the best your children will understand. I used to have a friend that divorced her husband after he cheated on her and ironically after a while she found her happiness with another partner and her ex was struggling and very unhappy and her kids could see that and that made them very sad while with the mom they didn't worry because they could feel she was happy. So when you are trying to find your happiness they will understand even if not consciously .

Thank you all for your advice - caring and love.

I think that lovinsimple is correct - she (STBX) is going through a crazy phase brought on by resentment (her being raised by nannies and maids) - poor communication - not that I am the best communicator but poor communication all around - her low self esteem and family history issues of her father cheating on her mother for years and her seeing what control that gave her father as well as some major internal issues of her being depressed.

It really suxs for my 2 young boys 4 and 7 years old and she has caused so much damage that it is not even on any scale of any forgiveness in me or anyone in my family for that matter.

I do not wish to see her at all period and have told her so. Perhaps in years from now I will but for now - soccer practices etc are being held separately.

I did all I could in the beginging phases of her infidelity to save the family unit - her lieing on the bible and her sons souls about what was going on. But she then dove off into crazytown and I had to save myself and my boys.

Yes its sad and hopefully we get to better places in time. It truely has been a test and everyone from family/friends has been affected.

Onyx, I am sorry for your hurt. I can understand where you are coming from. My kids are 9 and 5 and are having a really difficult time dealing with and understand what is going on. When we get married we assume it is forever. Because things change, my only advice (trying to follow myself) is to remain focused on yourself and your boys. The new dynamics and continued show of love and support for your boys will get you through. I have been told there is this adjustment period going through the stages of grief for the "death of the family unit" Stay strong and stay focused. Good luck and Hugs!

Trying to avoid "death of the family unit" is one reason why I tried to reconcile. His adultery will have a lasting effect on the family for years and years to come. Hope it was worth it for him.

My first marriage ended due to his infidelity, among other issues. I struggled for 9 years as a single mother, something I was poorly prepared for financially, having been reliant on the guy who had promised to take care of us. Then I found my husband, a steady guy with strong work ethics, what he described as a good relationship with his family and a desire to make a family with me. My daughter and I were both happy to finally have someone solid in our life. We got married and had two babies before things started to fall apart.

It would have been better to leave than to cheat, but I didn't want to bring about that death of our family unit. DD and I had been through it and it was hard enough with one kid let alone 3.

Staying would hurt and leaving would hurt...I couldn't see a solution so I escaped.

interesting prospective fiber - since cheating happened to you (not judging just curiosity) - did you ever feel like you could never cheat and when you did - did you feel like holy cow - that didnt help? Im just curious with the kids you have and the it happening to you - was it more thearputic to go through what had happened to you?

Was there a curiosity to do it to someone or live through that side at all or in the least bit? I know there are probably a ton of other reasons but in anyway were any of those reasons?

onyx, I understand and welcome your curiosity. This is how we can come to better understand each other.

I knew that I could cheat because I had cheated in other, less committed relationships. These relationships with the two men who are the fathers of my children were the only serious live-in relationships where there was the expectation of marriage level commitment. First marriage (equivalent to) with Eldest childs father had fizzled and we were both seeing other people when I found out I was pregnant. We tried to make a go of it, but it turned out monogamy was not his thing.

But, no, I wasn't shocked by my own ability to cheat, though I didn't expect it to happen but that was my low self esteem talking. I simply didn't believe this man would ever actually want me, so it seemed almost safe to approach the idea of it. It wasn't.

Did I feel like, holy cow, that didn't help? Eventually, but in the beginning, as crazy as this sounds, it did help. I had felt trapped in a marriage with an abuser/controller, only I didn't know that was the issue and neither did he so we had no tools to resolve it. I was deeply depressed, struggling with suicidal ideation so much that I became agoraphobic. The impulse to drive my car into oncoming traffic was so strong I was afraid to even go shopping.

When the OM started hitting on me that pain stopped. I was happier so my husband was happier and so were my kids. For a little while, it helped. When lines got crossed and shame kicked in I fell into a vicious loop of using to kill the pain, feeling guilty for using, hating myself and sinking back into depression/obsession, then using again to kill that pain. The cycle of addiction, plain and simple. It would have felt no different if I had chosen drugs or gambling or compulsive shopping (I tried the last two just before and during the A, only complicating things further).

"Im just curious with the kids you have and the it happening to you - was it more thearputic to go through what had happened to you?" :) You must be a right-brainer (I'm a lefty) because I can't make sense of this one. Re-word it for me?

Was there any curiosity around doing to someone what had been done to me? No. No malice, honestly. I had felt so much anger and grief over our marriage failing, and then after years of living within that I had moved past malice to hopelessness. I really didn't set out to hurt my husband. I did want him to wake up, to be visible to him. He had worn away my self esteem so systematically, habitually, and without even knowing he was doing it...to a point where I felt insignificant to him, like an object without value. I would try to talk to him and he would walk away and dismiss me, like air, only air has value.

It wasn't malice, it was a really desperate need to be visible, valued, anything. When I showed him this need, and he dismissed it, I told him that I would get it met. Otherwise I felt like I would die, if not physically, then bit by bit inside. And OM saw me. And the rest is history.

None of this justifies my A. It was by far the single worst choice I've ever made. All I can do is tell you my mindset going into it. And now I need to take a nap. I haven't visited those feelings in a long time and it takes a lot out of me to go back there.

If you have more questions, or if you want to restate that one I didn't get, I will try to get back to it when I've settled some.

wow fiber - it seems you have been from hell and back and you discribing your addiction is very helpful.

I never understood it like that. But I can see it now - my only comment to that is - when someone gambles or does drugs - its very clear that person is doing things that they shouldnt be do - but when someone cheats - its as if they are doing something so cruel to the person they are suppose to love - that even if its low selfesteem or an addiction - its so personal to the BS that it takes everyone down mentally. Like maybe the BS did something to cause this and that is why some BS let the CS keep cheating. They feel like that did something to provoke this behaviour.

My question was more on - since someone cheated on you - did you want to feel how it feels to cheat on someone (after being cheated on) you already had the side of being cheated on - were you in anyway shape or form trying to relive that side of things to see how that felt. But I think you answered that question.

Thank you for your response and sorry you have to go through what you went through.

Haven't read through all the responses, but wanted to share this ...

From my experience only, it seems that some families actually get stronger after divorce, once the center of chaos is gone. I'm specifically thinking of my friends who had spouses who weren't 100% committed or present during the marriage. Once that person out of the picture, it makes it easier to parent the way you feel led and to create a "tribe" of sorts.

The shared custody part sucks, but the time you spend with them can be even better than it is now.

Even though single parenting was hard, DD and I were definitely better off without her father. Infidelity was just one issue among many, spending diaper money on booze, disappearing for days, unconscious drunk when he was supposed to be watching our toddler. I was used to abuse (more long stories) but when he put her st risk I was done.

When I wouldn't love him, he punished me by not loving her. And she thought it was something about her that was not lovable. So, when my H came along and gave her that Daddy-ness that she deserved, I held on for her. When dysfunction bubbled up I should have run like he'll but I couldn't see her go through that again so I dug in, determined to
'help him'. I underestimated the power of his dysfunction and overestimated my ability to cope. We are, after all this ship, finally starting to get somewhere but in baby steps. DDI and H are still very close and that has value so in that way I'm glad I didn't just quit.

I take full responsibility for my choice to cheat. H has tried to take that on but I won't let him. I had options and it was my choice. What he does own, and what he continues to work on, is how his behavior contributed to my mindset at the time. The choice to cheat was mine; the condition of our marriage did and still does belong to both of us. Those patterns of relating that broke me down (and it took a lot!!!cuz I'm Strong!) still have to be repaired so that staying is healthy for all of us. It's a long row to hoe and anyways I still feel the burden of keeping that ball rolling is on my shoulders...if I quit pushing for something better we will just be done. I wish that he could be more motivated...after all, this is our Family Unit. What could be more important?