Infidelity Support Group

Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...

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D-Day - 3 Years Later

Broken2271
Broken2271
I posted this two years ago...I thought it was fitting to share this once more, especially with those who are just now embarking on this journey...
So much has happened in the past three years, some bad, some good, but I am still STANDING...so life is GREAT!

It was 3 years ago today that the course of my life changed forever.

To say that it has been a difficult road, would be an understatement. It was one of the most life changing experiences of my life. I did not think that I would be able to survive it...BUT I DID! I am not the same woman I was prior to that day. My whole view of life in general changed in the most prolific of ways. I no longer view life with blinders on. I am absolutely aware of everything now. I am stronger than I have ever been. I no longer allow people to define who I am. I no longer allow these events to control my everyday life. I take better care of my body, my soul, and my spirit. I am more in tune with myself. I know my value and my worth. I am in awe of who I HAVE BECOME.

Yes, my life forever changed that day. But I took what was thrown at me and I ran with it. I am OK...BECAUSE I CHOSE TO BE! There were no other options. Was I going to sit down and let this destroy me? NOT A CHANCE! This has become the catalyst for who I am now and where I am going in life...and I have welcomed the changes. I HAVE LET GO of the past, and am embracing and LIVING in my present, because (God Willing) my future is going to be amazing...

Hugs to all...
gina666
gina666
That's awesome! Hope I get to where you are someday
deleted_user
deleted_user
So are you together with the CS, are you the CS, or have you embarked on a life without those that were in your life at the time....people keep saying "life is too short", but what of lifelong commitments and what they mean, how does one ever enjoy that mindset again, that security of having someone who would "die" for you, go to hell and back to keep you as their own...I am happy for you, but am curious about so many things, I have a friend who was a cheater, married the guy she left her marraige for(he left his marriage for her too)and then he cheated on her(my friend)and she wants me to believe it gets better with time and work, and yet I have seen her still be in enormous pain because of his new affair against her...can you shed any light from your experience
Broken2271
Broken2271
Shegavehimareason,

I am the one who was betrayed. My partner cheated on me and the discovery left me devastated. I was sure that it was all over once everything was out in the open. I left him...and to my surprise, my leaving devastated him. It was two years of him working hard and proving to me that he was worth another chance. And he worked his ass off to show me that he was serious about me. One thing he said to me that made me open up to the idea...He said that people can change if they WANT to change. He said he wanted to be the man that I deserved. It wasn't easy, but we had built a life that I was happy with and loved and I wanted to believe that we could get there again if we BOTH wanted it. And we did, we both made the effort and worked it out. And it's still a work in progress...ALWAYS WILL BE. It took a long time, lots of tears, lots of pain, lots of arguments and anger, but if both people truly want it, it can work. That's not to say that it won't happen again...there are no guarantees, and everyone is capable of crossing that line, but one thing I know...if I don't take that chance to see that he is capable of being the man I deserve, I may look back and realize that I should have. Everyone deserves redemption, if they truly want it and work towards it.
gina666
gina666
All I feel is anger and it's been a year..I don't know how to ever trust him again.He was the only one I did trust and look how that turned out.Selfish ahole.
deleted_user
deleted_user
It is great to read this, Broken. My D-day was almost two years ago. I went through a similar series of events. Devastation and shock. Horrible anger and grief. I knew that I had to leave.

My wife worked hard over the next six months to prove that our marriage was worth saving and that she would do whatever was needed to give it another chance. I had never thought we would stay together, but we have. Our relationship is not great, but it is better, and I feel like my life is so much better in most ways. I went through a lot. I focused on revenge for so long and spent so many hours of torture.

I will say that coming on the 2-year mark, the crisis forced me to grow. It made me confront my wife's alcohol and obvious other problems instead of just being a victim of it. I got into good physical shape and lost some weight and am much healthier. I have an appreciation for my family and friends and everything. I got out of my comfort zone and found a better job. Ironically, all of this was made possible because of this horrifying event. As I head into the third year, I try to remind myself to keep growing and not give in to the stagnant state that I was in constantly before this awakening. Kudos to you for staying strong and finding the light at the end of the tunnel.
deleted_user
deleted_user
"... my leaving devastated him. It was two years of him working hard and proving to me that he was worth another chance. And he worked his ass off to show me that he was serious about me."

That is the KEY!

Unfortunately I see so many couples on such forums that are "reconciling" without the KEY ingredient, which is a massive & consistent effort from the CS to heal the BS.

Good Luck!
deleted_user
deleted_user
My D-Day was over 4 years ago. It has been a devastating and overwhelming process for me. Sometimes I still feel irked that I had to pay the consequences of his poor choices. The one thing I worked on after I went through my stages of grief was myself. I realized that the relationship had gone off track somewhere and that it takes two to be in a relationship. I'm not saying he didn't chose the wrong way to deal with it but I had my part in the problems of the relationship as well. I went to counseling to look at myself. If I don't want this to happen again I needed to look at what part I played in the relationship issues. I am so much stronger as a person! I have come such a long way in understanding myself, my self confidence, and internal happiness. I still struggle with trust issues but I'm working on that. Just my thoughts.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Its been 4 yrs for me, I also left, and hubby begged me to come home. We have worked hard the pass 4 years. I found the hardest thing was to trust hubby again. I went to counseling on my own, to work on me. I dont worry about what hubby does so much anymore, or (spy) on him. Just not doing that again, it makes me worry and every little thing I want to turn into something it isn't. We are happier now, I say the biggest problem was being able to talk to each other, so we smashed those eggshells and started talking.. It really takes two to make it work. One person can't do it alone...
deleted_user
deleted_user
It has been 6 years. We are still together. I don't think we will ever be the same. I am different woman today. I love him but I am not in love. I happy where I am. He says he loves me but I really don't care anymore. We are friends and I guess just having me still in the house with him is good enough for him. To me he feels like a roommate. To him I am his wife. I guess on some level both of our needs are met. He pays the bills. I don't need to be in love for that. I don't ever want to be in love again. So I say I got good roommate. If he should decide he wants to leave, he is free to go. I will still be happy and will wish him well.
Broken2271
Broken2271
Thank you all...

Vicki323,
I understand the pain of betrayal, but do you want to live the rest of your life not being in love again? I totally get it, I DO. For a long time I felt the same way. I never, ever wanted to hurt like that again, and that meant I would have had to close myself off to everyone and the possibility of falling in love again. Eventually, I realized that I couldn't let his actions destroy my life and all the joys in it, including loving someone else again. If your happy in your situation and are OK with that, then good for you. But don't let the prospect of loving and being loved the way you DESERVE slip away. Just a thought. Whatever path you chose in life, I wish nothing but happiness for you....
deleted_user
deleted_user
It is good to hear that there is healing. It has been a year since D-day and I too feel much stronger and in control of my life. No, WE aren't great but are working on it. I will never be the woman I was before D-day; I will be a stronger, better woman because of it. If we make it, great. If not, I WILL BE OK. I hope to get where you are one day; but I do hope we make it.
jdickey
jdickey
Broken, your story is compelling - I wish I would have read it before.

I have a feeling that I moved back in with my wife way too soon after finding out that she had affairs that spanned 3 years.

We are trying to save our marriage but it is seems so surreal.

I pray the very best for you and your marriage.
balingomingo
balingomingo
Broken I loved it. This served of great inspiration for me. And I agree with you it changes us forever.
deleted_user
deleted_user
wow, sorry I have been on so many other threads trying to defend my self from bashers....our first year has just passed since dday, the day i found out who and what I was married to for so many years....and I am forever changed, and will never be the same see things the same way again, not ever....i see that many leave, divorce, separate....I so do not want to do that, but am feeling ever more that may be my only real choice...not one I want, and it will devastate me even more than I already am.....
deleted_user
deleted_user
Wow, sounds just like us. We both want ed to reconcile, and did some great work towards it. However, he was caught lying shortly after (not about affair, other stuff) and I have decided I can love him, but never completely trust him. These are two separate things and you are so right about never being the same after DD. I told ny H recently that this trauma he gave to me is unfortunately mine to deal with until I die. I just prefer to deal with it together and not on my own. I think it's so incredibly unfair that the BS has to manage the pain forever. Kudos on your progess!