I've been proud of myself the past few days. Taking positive steps, trying to move on. But today something--I'm not even sure what--triggered something, and I just cried most of the afternoon. The love we had, the happiness we shared, the plans, the dreams--all gone, because you had to not only be stupid and cheat, but then lie about it when anyone with eyes in their head could see it was still going on. The lying hurt me even more than the cheating. 

I wish I could stop loving you. I started loving you nearly 30 years ago, and didn't stop, even during all those years we were out of touch. I can't see me not loving you--it's like breathing--it's part of my heart and soul. I truly felt you were the love of my life. 

When I left you last week I told you that. How I wished for a reaction from you, but nothing. I know you well enough to know you hide your feelings when you're hurting (which is kind of surprising considering what a bad liar you are), so I suspect there was something there. It would have meant a lot to me to see it. I thought, at one point, I saw a tear in your eye--maybe not. 

The last few months we were together was like watching a slow, painful death. Knowing you were you still thinking of, talking to, texting and sharing with her. It didn't matter that it wasn't a physical affair. You were sharing your life with HER, not me. And I will never understand why. 

For all I know you've arranged to be with her now. Part of me wants to call her and tell her what a cheating bastard you are, but what good would that do? I know how charming you can be, I know how loved you can make a woman feel--she probably won't care--just figure you love her more, and you are hers now. Or maybe you'll never meet her and go back overseas--the way you kept asking me to send your passport makes me wonder if that's what you have in mind. I could find out, but I don't want to know.

Last time we split I heard from you about 5 weeks later. Part of me is scared I will hear from you again, and I'll have to resist you. Part of me is even more scared that I'll never hear from you again. I wish I could hate you.