does the book actually intend for you to send it to them? or just get your spouses take to see if they agree or disagree with whe you write on how you feel?

I couldn't agree with you more! I sent OW a text the day after I founf out about the A and said "Sorry oW, just because you asked, doesn't mean you get a free pass on this. You fucked this up and as much as he did!"

2 months later I followed up with contacting her H and telling him about the A. I don't regret any of it and my H did not know that I was going to do it. Why should he? I'm with you sista! They didn't consult us before they did the deed - why should we have to consult them?

I agree-she gave me NO choice in fucking the om-she isn't going to have any say in how I chose to handle the fall out of this crap.

The purpose of this is to demonstrate your commitment to each other. That you stand united.

I get that blindsided. But I just can't help feeling that the spouse that strayed is still in charge of this whole thing. I may be having an angry day, but I don't think I will change my mind on this. I need to feel that I have some power to make decisions that are right for me on my own. I am an adult I shouldn't have to ask permmision to feel what I feel. Even if it is my H that I "should" ask. I am my own person, and I am a different person now. All because of him.

im so sorry socrushed about the way you feel.

That letter is only applicable in some cases anyway.
It's a way of lettting ALL parties know what the deal is.

I strongly recommend that you don't contact the OW independently.
All cases are different, but in general, its not a good idea.
t

The unfortunate thing with contacting the OM/OW is you can only control what you say.
You cannot control what they say.
Sometimes they say very damaging things.

I made the mistake of contacting the OM......but that was BEFORE I had the benefit of a support forum.

What he said to me HAUNTED me.
It hurt more than the affair itself.
I obsessed and dreamed about it for years.

At over 3 years since DDAY.......I still hear the words he said to me at least several days a week.


U

socrushed... I dont remember that part being in there..what I remember I THOUGHT was that HE sends a no contact letter to her and YOU approve it. Where is this part you are reading?? What chapter?

I contacted OW. I allowed my H to read all my communications to her. When he got mad, I got mad back and told him that she lost all expectations of anonymity when she deliberately pursued a relationship with a man she knew was married. He couldn't disagree. Just try not to jump on the crazy train and tell her off every time you're feeling bad. I have contacted her several times only to have her ignore me every time. I finally gave up and realized that she really doesn't care what price my family and I have paid for her and my H's poor decision making. Don't give her any power.

Socrushed:

I totally agree..... I 've read the book, too. I do not agree with that approach.
I confronted the OW three times face to face and once over the phone. She never said muh the first three times and did not know what to say over the phne, Finally she hung up on me.

When I confronted her the very first time, H got pissed at me because I called her before he had a chance to talk to her. Really???? That's what I told him. So you can prep her up???? I wanted her totally unprepped not to mention I love the element of surprise; I got exactly the response I had expected.

If you are to confront her, do it on your terms, nobody else's. If he doesn't like it, too bad, you do not like what he did to you, either.

If she says anything to you, read throught the fine print, because she may say things out of spite. Only YOU will know if what she says is true. If you have any doubt, ask for proof. If she is telling the truth, she will provide proof.
Good luck to you.

I contacted the OW and she used is an excuse to try and renew contact with my H.

I get wanting to contact the OW....but someone said something about not being able to control how THEY respond...or their husband if there is one. And that's HUGE.

I would advise AGAINST contacting OW if she's married....

I contemplated confronting the OW when I discovered the affair. However, she found my email address before I could make that decision. The details that she told me will forever be etched into my mind. I learned more from her than my STBX ever decided to tell me. I was not prepared for the things that she had to say - describing the inside of my home to me and telling me that she had been there while my children were sleeping was more than I was prepared for.

In my opinion I don't think that you can ever prepare for what the OW/OM is going to say and it can be a lot more damaging if you want to try and work things out. Unfortunately for me that was the icing on the cake and I was the one that moved out as I could no longer remain in a home I once loved and try and put the pieces back together.

I contact the OM on dday, so i had no time to think.
At that point, the affair wasnt even confirmed!

OM told me....He loved her....they had something special......and its time for ME to move on.

I generally agree that there is nothing positive that comes from contacting the OW/OM.

HOWEVER, if your spouse is still in la-la land and you are telling the OW in no uncertain terms to back off, then there's no reason to get your spouse's approval or input. If the dust has settled and you're past the crisis phase, then I can see why it might be beneficial to get their buy-in.

If you do contact them, make statements, don't ask questions, and avoid name-calling.