It really depends on the players and circumstances, plus you're dealing with the roller coaster of emotions no matter what you're doing once you decide to rebuild.

I was glad to be able to choose a goal and work in that direction because I didn't want to remain stuck in that pit of misery, so just even having that goal helped a little bit... but it sucked more than a black hole during those times my H was being a completely insensitive moron. I questioned my decision a lot and spent a lot of time crying and doubting. I still do sometimes. But overall, when we made progress I wanted to celebrate quietly and keep a mental score in my brain so I knew I was making progress and feeling better.

I think, though, regardless of choosing to rebuild or leave, time has a way of dulling the pain. Sort of like the memory of childbirth pain without anesthesia. If women remembered the pain, I think we'd all be an only child, lol. Hope this helps.

I think if we all waited for the pain to go away before committing to rebuild, very few would rebuild.

I think part of rebuilding is having to work through the painful things until they are no longer painful

To me, and this is just my opinion, rebuilding is based on a choice you make. A choice not based on emotion but the commitment you have to one another. The pain will still be there, and it will be there for some time, sometimes all the time, sometimes easing, sometimes vague....


...and we hope that someday, it's gone.

I know of many that have committed to rebuilding even in the midst of great pain. Most have made it.

I hope the same for you.

L~

I don't think the pain will ever go away, frankly.

But as you both start to work together on a common goal, it does lessen. Rather than being at the forefront of your life, it starts to lose ground and slips more into the background.

You'll get some trigger and POW - there it is again. You just have to acknowledge it, and let it pass.

It's important not to breathe new life into the pain. Stay busy and focused.

My pain really started to diminish when I decided to divorce. It's divorce that makes you feel better. I wish I had divorced him as soon as I found out. No one really wants to be married to a cheater anyway.

The pain subsides and imo repair must start with marriage counseling. Therapy was painful and brought out many more emotions for me, resentment and anger, but I don't know how else you can work through things without a professional.

Thanks everyone! I need to find a goal and work toward that. Only then will I feel like I am not living in limbo.