So sorry for your pain! First of all, buckle up, it is going to be a bumpy ride!! Are you sure she had only one sexual encounter? Sometimes cheaters let the truth out a little at a time, because they think it is harder for you to hear it all at once. It does not matter though, because emotional affairs are much worse than just sex. You are in turmoil right now, so it will be hard for you to make immediate decisions. You need to demand the truth and the whole truth from her. She needs to be willing to tell you EVERYTHING!! Also, get the book NOT JUST FRIENDS by shirley Glass. This book will help validate everything that you are feeling. My CS had more than one affair and fell in love with the last one. I am 6 months past d day and just getting back on my feet. Eat, sleep, take care of yourself. You will get much wise and helpful advice from the awesome people on this forum. they helped me through some pretty dark times!! Your emotions will run the gamut right now, and unfortunately, you will go through some stages of anger and grief that will be tough to take. Being blindsided is never fun. So sorry for your pain...

First, keep in mind that some people feel the emotional affair is worse, some the physical side of it. So whichever one your feelings land on, don't feel like you're abnormal or such. Bottom line, it all sucks. And what you feel is what you feel.

Also, it is quite normal to be flying through a wide range of emotions during this time. My first three weeks, I was an emotional wreck. I'm almost a year down the road now. Will be one year on May 11th when I discovered my wife of 29 years was having and affair on me. Like you, I'd never dreamed she would ever do this to me.

So the general advice is to wait at least three months to six months before you make any life-long decision like divorce. You can always divorce later if that's where this leads, but harder to shift gears once the divorce papers have been served and the process is under way. Not impossible, but harder.

So take this day by day, hour by hour, and just know its going to be rough. I really didn't settle down much until I felt fairly sure that she wasn't going to be easily contacted by the OM (other man) any longer. And I had the advantage that from the get go, my wife was fully committed to rebuilding with me and gave it close to 100%. A little rough start, but she really put herself into it and that's why I feel we are so far along as we are today.

So I think as you work your way through this, do some reading like Not Just Friends. Discover what she wants. She may be ambivalent. But she needs to cut off all contact with any affair partners. Transparency needs to be in place, like access to all her emails, phone texts, phone bills, facebook accounts, or any other such social or communication accounts she has.

One thing that may help too is to read a couple articles I've written. One is on the stages of grief as it relates to affairs:

http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/healing-infidelity-through-faith/news/view/3869850

Another is the first article on the Healing Steps for the BS (betrayed spouse)

http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/healing-infidelity-through-faith/news/view/3895379

My wife is still working on writing the equivalent one for the CS (cheating spouse). And I have one more of those to write as well.

Sorry you're going through this. The BSs don't get a choice whether they want to be in this club or not. But here we are. You are not alone.

What are the two of you going to do, that is the first question? Seeing a counselor? It's ver devastating to families that the cheater takes no one into consideration when they decide to cheat. I wish I had an answer for you. Emotions go all over the place in these situations. The why's and when's??????????????? How could they possibly do such a thing? Don't know. Very selfish behavior. You have a lot to work through. So sorry for your pain. Keep reading posts on here, it will help to talk and get ideas.

Children must never be part of the equation, too many children raised in a disfunctional family.

Good luck my heart go's to you man.

@cigarman-The family unit as a whole must be considered.

You keep your shit up and we will all complain and have your ass kicked off again. Your'e advice is not helpful. I know your'e getting your little troll jollies from trying to wreak as much havoc as possible.... especially to the new ppl here reaching out for help and support. I notice you don't reply to the veterans here.... why is that?

Thanks for the words of encouragement and advice to all who replied. It seems you all have been through and still going through this, not easy I feel your pain. Its not getting any easier for me right now. I can't sleep at night and can't shake this from my mind for 5 minutes. How long does this last? Yeras or lifetime? Wish it were a bad dream I can wake up from and things would be normal. Went to marriage counseling with my wife on Friday. This was 1 week after I confronted her. I was able to get a lot off my chest but I still have many questions that need answers. Going tonight by myself and the wife goes tomorrow. I have kept mycool during all this for the sake of my son. I have not raised my voice once and hope not to.

I was very emotional and I still get triggered. I think the OW is a Who@@, he thinks she is a saint. I think if you have questions and need to know, keep asking. I asked and asked until I knew everything. It gave me an idea of the depth of the relationship, and the strength of the connection. Time is your friend. I did not sleep without medication for 6 months. Eating was impossible in the first months as well. But one good thing that came of it is I began to exersize and I am now in great shape! I think the only thing to do is stay with your MC and IC. Your CS has to be honest and open. it is her job to heal and clean up the mess she made. She can not keep any secrets, and she should answer all your questions honestly and truthfully. Good for you keeping your cool! I must admit I have had a few good outbursts at my CS about him and his foolish choices. One day at a time :)

You never know how much you love someone till they cheat on you (as weird as it sounds). I used to make comments with my buddies while we were drinking " if my wife ever cheated on me I would throw her ass out of the house so fast". Well that did not happen. I still love her so much but still don't know what to do. Only time will tell.

Hang in there brother, the waves of pain lesson and sleep returns. In the meantime, exercise, eat, drink, and try a combination of OTC sleeping pills and time released melatonin if you get desperate for sleep.

Your problems with sleeping are because your conscious and unconscious brain are working overtime trying to make sense of what is happening and what to do, and its a cluster fuck of emotions so they are having to work over time. That will get better.

Just hang on and be sure and take care of yourself. You are really early in this process. What course of action to take will become clearer to you in time.

Peace

My wife cheated on me with my sons soccer coach. We were married 17 years. I didn't sleep either for days. "Going" has good advice for you. Take someTylenol PM and some Melatonin. I also had a book near my bed. When I couldn't sleep I would move to a chair and read the book until I became tired again. Then I could sleep some more. Don't toss and turn for hours, it only makes things worse.

You will get better. We are in the final stages of divorce. It has been about 9 months, 9 horrible months. But I am surviving and slowly getting better. The consensus on the site seems to be about 2 years for the recovery period. I am 50x better than I was at your stage, but I have a long ways to go to get to a good place. My therapist told me this week that if I can survive the next year without developing a drug or alcohol problem and keep from diving into another toxic relationship, it will be a successful year. That may sound grim, but it is reality. Good luck to you.

I have to say. In a twisted way its nice to see other men with morals who care so much and wouldn't ever have ended it this way. Not a sexist comment, its just nice not to be alone. Great advise from previous comments so I really have nothing to add besides follow the advise, don't dive into any woman's arms. Maintain your integrity because the pride that you own after you keep clean is immense and huge for your character. Be strong friend.

Well, I can say I understand how you don't get loving them even after...I divorced my CS, however, the love you have doesn't magically go away just because you learned they cheat...it's that love that makes you as angry and heartbroken as you are.

I didn't let our son be the reason I stayed or left, but I understand that you're needing to process this. Making rash decisions when you're angry is never a good idea. I mean, whichever way you go, you're child is ALWAYS your child, and you two are always his parents...so, one way or the other, when you get to that pt, you will have to maintain some type of relationship with her, you know?

Now, what to do NOW? Do what's comfortable for you...the CS owes you answers, owes you everything u need to process this..this is your timetable. You take time for YOU and what you're comfortable with.

Also, I agree with keeping your PRIDE intact.

"Never go to bed with anything you can't wake up with in the morning".

I don't actually have any advice.. I just found out that my husband has been cheating with men and a women through our entire five year marriage and going back to when we first met 15 years ago. We have four children. He is a million percent committed to change, to fixing his issues, to getting help and getting past this. the issue is whether I'll be able to live with knowing what he's done and what that says about our relationship. I just don't know. The kids have to be taken into consideration.. I'm one of those old fashioned types who'd stay with him for the sake of the kids regardless of how I felt.. That's just me. I grew up in a divorced remarried divorced again home and I want more for my kids. You are coping, in whatever ways you know how, and that's the best you can do. Hugs and good wishes.. just wanted to pass along my support and understanding, if not any helpful advice.

I am going through the same thing. My wife had mostly an emotional affair for 10 months(besides kissing once and sexting with pics blah!) and we are trying to get through it. It's a emotional roller coaster for sure. I am a month out from D day and my wife is trying extremely hard and is constenly working on healing both of us. I'm putting the work in as well. I was not there emotionally or physically for my wife for basically our whole relationship so I understand my part in setting the climate but there is still no excuse for her weak actions. If you're wife shows true remorse and is working hard it does make it easier but it takes 18 to 24 months for things to get "back to normal" they say. Keep researching and don't stop working on healing. Staying idle makes it worse.