Infidelity Support Group

Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...

4,945 Members

18,074 Posts

0 Online

bigguy3 12/03/2007

I have read a lot of posts by people that have cheated on their spouse. There seems to be a common theme. Most of the time, the cheater shifts blame - my spouse was neglectful, didn't pay attention to me, was an alcoholic (or other addict), spent too much time at work, was away from home too much, was inconsiderate, didn't provide me with the emotional support that I needed, didn't provide me with the intimacy that I needed, spent too much money or didn't allow me to spend money, etc., etc., ad naseum.

These are all wonderful reasons to not be happy with your spouse and to be disenchanted with your marriage. However, NONE of these reasons is an excuse to search for what is missing outside of the marriage. How many of the people that have cheated on their spouse actually talked to their spouse and told them how they felt. I'm not talking about hints, or a few arguements about not getting your needs met. I am talking about complete, brutally honest communication where you tell them the why's of your unhappiness. If your spouse is unwilling to listen to you, ignores you, or brushes you off as being "overly emotional", then file for divorce before you seek support in the arms of another.

The emotional damage that is caused by infidelity is HUGE ... even for us men that are supposedly "not be in touch with our emotional side." Infidelity tears at the heart. It shatters trust ... and that trust can be nearly impossible to re-establish and will NEVER be the same as it was. What is worse, is that the trust that can't be repaired in the failed relationship becomes very difficult to re-establish in a new relationship as well.

I wish more people were honest with themselves and their spouses before they CHOOSE to be selfish and cause so much suffering. Perhaps it is a personality flaw in cheaters that they are unable to see the damage that they will cause and are incapable of having any compassion for the people they have hurt.

I guess I will never know. I am one of those left to figure out why it was so hard to talk to me and left to try and mend a broken heart and find a way to open my heart to someone else and risk placing that shattered trust in the hands of another.

deleted_user 12/03/2007

well said.

deleted_user 12/03/2007

Very well said...more than anything I wish my wife would have just TOLD me she was unhappy,maybe given counseling a chance, anything would have been nice...as you said,,all those things are reasons not to be happy in a marriage, but not reasons to cheat...also your right about trust,,,it will never be the same...

deleted_user 12/03/2007

I totally agree... Never will I ever be the same...

deleted_user 12/03/2007

Very well put! Too bad people just can't be a good man/woman and talk about what they are feeling before they go feeling up someone else. It just goes to show how much better we deserve!

deleted_user 12/03/2007

Yes, you are so right in ALL that you say, but not all cheaters think things out that clearly beforehand. Maybe in a perfect world... In fact, I'm willing to bet that most cheaters AREN'T thinking!! Perhaps some HAVE spoken to thier spouses about things they've been unhappy with, but didn't have the courage to leave or divorce if what they said fell on deaf ears. It's not always that cut and dried - that a spouse feels they can just pack up and leave when they're unhappy. Does it excuse them to go outside their marriage and cheat? NO! Absolutely not!! I know for sure if I had read what I've read on this website, and seen all the pain and hurt BEFORE cheating on my spouse, believe me, I would have thought twice about even having a simple friendship with another guy. At the time, I was simply lost, in a fantasy world, caught up in something that was way over my head, and I wasn't thinking clearly about what I was doing. I certainly didn't expect for MH to find out, either. Yes, it was stupid of me to think any of this! However, non-cheaters just don't accept hearing stuff like this. That's the only way I can explain it from my perspective, though. You bet your life I wish I could go back and change it, too, but unfortunately I can't. For the present time, all I can do now is learn from this terrible mistake I made, make things right from here on out, encourage others to NEVER do what I did, and hope that MH will someday find it in his heart to forgive me.

deleted_user 12/03/2007

I agree with ast64. Its not as easy to just go and talk to someone who doesn't want to listen to your side. NO that doesn't give you permission to go and find it else where. What I would give just to take back the past 8 months and never to of done this to MH, but all I can hope for is forgivness and that our love for one another will outweigh the "fantasyland" I was trying to live in. So very well put ast64....

deleted_user 12/03/2007

I agree with you totally, The day I caught my H, I had just told him, I dont know if I can be with you anymore. I had such strong feelings that he was cheating, I was losing my mind. But atleast I was considerate enough to talk to him about it before I did something stupid.

deleted_user 12/03/2007

Maybe that's a difference. Whenever I've been faced with that situation, I think it through. I realize the pain and destruction that comes from something like that. My mind never goes any further than that and the temptation is over. This is up there with killing someone or abusing someone. If you can control yourself and keep from killing someone in a fit of anger, then surely you're able to control yourself when someone comes on to you. Killing someone has all sorts of repercussions. It affects so many people. So does an affair.

deleted_user 12/03/2007

Thank you ast64 for your input. I am having a very difficult time forgiving my STBX. I can't stand that he has put hate in my heart for both him and the OW (she was a "friend" of 10 yrs). I am usually a positive and upbeat person. It has gotten me thru quite a bit of this mess, but EVERYTIME I look into my son's eyes and see big, fat tears because he misses his dad...well, Truth be told, I feel a hate so strong for the two of them that it seems like I will NEVER reach the point of being able to forgive. I am MUCH happier now, with MY life, but when I see my son hurting..I want to do bodily harm to that BITCH and tell my STBX EXACTLY what I think of him and his selfishness. Part of the reason I am still on this board is to TRY to find SOMETHING that will help me understand his/their actions.

bigguy3 12/03/2007

ast64 and jenny ... you are both right. Cheaters don't "think" before they "do". But regardless if there is thought involved or not, it is a choice. A choice that they KNOW is wrong but do it anyway.

It is that "lack of thought" that is the pinnacle of frustration for those of us that were cheated on. For me, the choice to willingly do something that you know is wrong doesn't compute. You may not realize that damage and pain that it will cause at the time, but you do KNOW that it is wrong and choose to follow through and "just let it happen".

Perhaps it is the euphoria of being with someone that makes you feel special. The thrill of doing something forbidden and hoping you don't get caught. However, I think I would feel some exhiliration and excitement by stepping into a street of speeding traffic and dodging the cars. It would be exciting and create a rush ... but I KNOW that I will get hurt and all those that love me will be hurt as well. It is a STUPID choice and the end result will always be bad.

deleted_user 12/03/2007

You are absolutly right it was a STUPID choice.

deleted_user 12/03/2007

bigguy3, You are right, It is always a choice... cheaters can never come up with a reason for cheating... Lies and dishonesty is a way of life to them.. And they don't think they will never get caught..

My husband told me he didn't think I loved him or he loved me... I was not affectionate enough or had gotten fat and wasn't attractive to him.... All excuses! But he never told me these things before the affair....
He just threw me away like some old rag doll and went out and got another woman.... GREAT and wonderful he thought.... WELL, NOT ANY MORE!!

He ask me yesterday, when am I getting over this and going on with life....
I am going to tell him today, that the affair lasted 8-9 months and then he broke it off, it took him a year to get over her... so what does he think....
Just venting, I know but I get mad and hurt all over again at some statement like that from him....

We will never know the whys but I think it is because the only people who are important in their lives are themselves!!

deleted_user 12/03/2007

April, I can tell you have a lot of bitterness and resentment against your husband. However, when you use blanket statements like "lies and dishonesty is a way of life to them", it's not necessarily true for every cheater out there. I've been a devoted and faithful wife for 25 years, so lying and dishonesty certainly has NOT been a way of life! What I did was not the norm for me! You're right, there are NEVER good excuses for cheating! I agree totally with that! However, a marriage is like a garden, and it needs to be tended to, no matter how long you've been married, or things can start getting stagnant and dying away. It's not the same for everyone, but I think might have been part of what happened in my marriage. Plus, some past issues on my part. The good thing is that MH and I are working together, now, and I am holding on to hope that maybe our marriage will end up being better than it was before. I've already seen some positive changes in MH, and I hope he is seeing positive changes in me, as well. For once, I'd like to hear some positive success stories and/or comments to give people hope here! Even MH, who used to look at these posts all the time, can't come here anymore because it depresses him so much, drags him down, and makes him feel mad all over again and again. Please give us some hope, and let's not always lump all cheaters into the same category, either. We're all very different, with different problems, different marital situations, and NO, we're not all the selfish idiots that are depicted here and on other posts. We're human beings that made grave mistakes in judgement! Yes, the mistake we made by cheating was a selfish one, and we'll probably be paying for it for a very long time, along with our spouses, who we've hurt worse than any person we could ever hurt in our entire lives! It's shameful and awful what we cheaters have done, but with encouragement from those who've been there, maybe we will have a fighting chance of getting through it, and perhaps make ourselves and our lives better in the long run! Can someone give me some hope for a change?

deleted_user 12/03/2007

Yeah this is depressing.. but in my case I deal with the depression of being left a selfish stupid choice made by my husband. We talked until we were both talked out and he did not get...he just did not get it. He wanted to be single and just did not have the heart or the courage to say it and admit it and live it. The kids are the least of his worries or his heartache.. I don't personally see much of a success in our marriage here and God knows I tried, I honestly tried..every day to get this ... I gave all I had and then some to the point where I said I will go and do whatever it takes to make it work...he said he just didn't know what he wanted from me, us or the marriage and much less the kids or his relationship with them.. so I find myself lost and trying to reestablish myself-- I still struggle with the rage and anger of being held to higher standard and then being blamed for his infidelity / mistake or whatever..yes we are human but at least in my case he needed to be honestly sorry for the hurt he caused us.. and derive joy from it and continously cause us heartache with his many actions to cripple us. ie..no child support, stealing our stable means of transportation etc.. so sorry to be on my soap box but in my case there will never be answer and forgiveness is difficult...therapy works but it will take a long time..it has been 6 months so far of this hell. I am a good woman and I was a good wife and I would have NEVER hurt him. I envy those that can forgive and those that can repair and trust again because I don't think I ever will...

deleted_user 12/04/2007

I am very sorry for those that are hurting and seem to have no hope for reconciliation in their marriages. It's not fair to those that have been good spouses, and it's difficult for me to understand how some cheaters seem to have no conscious about their actions. That's certainly not true in my case, and I'm grateful that I have such a wonderful husband! Dragonamb, you are in my prayers, girl!!

Join the Conversation