Windwaker - Sadly, I do not have much advice beyond "Hang in there. It'll get better, I promise." Ordinarily I would suggest pharmacological help - antidepressants or benzodiazepines - and you might want to talk to your doctor(s) about that. But, being pregnant and all, my personal opinion is that you should try to avoid all medications. But that's just me. My sense is that you are 100% correct: Pregnant women's hormones are wacky, wacky things. There's ALL KINDS OF crazy stuff going on in your body right now. Why should your head be any different?

Your future looks bright ahead! Focus on the future.

MrCellophane, I appreciate your reply regardless. I've thought of asking my doctor about an antidepressant, but keep trying to tell myself I can get through this without it. Though that's much easier said than done. My hormones with this pregnancy are far crazier than when I was pregnant with my first. I'm depressed every single day, when I should be happy about having a baby, but it's all been overshadowed by my obsessive thoughts of the affair :/

Windwaker, I am sorry you have found yourself in this club, especially at a time for happiness.

My DDay was 8/14/14. I am far from pregnant, but there are days when it still overwhelms me and I cry and cry. Then there are other days when it is hardly a thought. I have not gone on any antidepressants, I did consider it but since the bad days are not every single day, I opted to wait it out a bit.

It gets better, and seeing a therapist will help a lot. Does your husband go with you or is this just individual counseling (IC). I found that having my husband go along for marriage counseling instead of just IC helped me feel safe talking things out and getting questions answered in a controlled environment.

We are rebuilding, as well, so the MC instead of IC really helps that process. It also helps him see how devastating the A was to me. I feel this is something we need to work on together if we are staying together. If we were divorcing, then I would do all IC, but doing MC has certainly helped my depression and crying days are diminishing.

It will get better. Just knowing your hormones are doing a lot of the work should help you handle the bad days.

Much peace to you on both of your journeys the baby and the rebuilding.

HowCanThisBe, I'm really sorry about your situation, too. This is a terrible feeling all around, but I'm glad I found this site. I hope you and your husband get through everything ok, too. Some days I'm confident that we will, but not as much as I was before I got pregnant. I was thinking so positively before. I had such high hopes for us. My husband has never stopped going above and beyond to show me how much he loves me and how sorry he is for what he did. But every time he tells me how those things, I just want to punch him in the face or kick him out. I didn't feel like that before I got pregnant. It's so frustrating to try and force myself to remember how I felt before getting pregnant. I digress, but he told me he would talk to the therapist as well - to try and get to the root of why he had the affair. He said he would like to talk to him alone, and I'm ok with that. I'm at least satisfied that he's willing to see a therapist since he's never been one to consider it.

windwalker, I'm sorry for your circumstances

i have 3 comments and you should know that my wife choose divorce after her affair came to light so I'm not a success story

1) -- i think it shows something good inside of your husband that he confessed, maybe even respect for you, sounds crazy but remorse shows that he values you as a person

2) you gotta talk to someone, i didn't for a long time, it definitely messed with my head to the point that I really couldn't think clearly, i needed to talk to someone - family, friend....someone not a counselor or minister, someone that knew me as me

3) i think the pregnancy hormonal kick doesn't help with your anxiety



all that being said, take care of yourself - you are your baby's home

have hope for your marriage, your husband may prove to be a man, marriages - love stories have survived worse

Windwalker, i am so sorry you are going through all of this- esoecially with a baby on the way.

To echo refurb's #2. I think not talking with someone was the biggest mistake i made in the beginning. Something this big cannot be bottled up--you must find that trusted someone with whom you can pour out your heart, vent - whatever it is you need to do.

I did find that writing helped a great deal--- never with the intent to show anyone, just my private journals. Getting the pain out on paper and leaving it there.


Do take heart and have hope in all that lies ahead!
You have come so far in such a short period of time. Setbacks are not unusual and can be expected. Be kind to yourself

There are definitely ups and downs.
First off I am sorry you are here it is a hard group to be a part of.
Healing from this type of betrayal takes a long time and is not the easiest thing. I think that you may have healed so fast that you were not healed that you missed a lot of the steps that you go threw and that you were blocking out the real pain of the situation in your mind. I also did this for a while after finding out. Then as time passed I went threw a lot of the more painful emotions and was not sure about anything.
I can not imagine what trying to be pregnant and dealing with the emotions can feel like. My wife's affair was a little over a year ago.
It takes a lot of time and working on things to get over such a tramatic event.

There will be swings in your progress, I still have weeks were I take a few steps backward.
All you can do is get up and start pushing forward again in the most positive manner that you can muster at that time.
I do think that you are doing very well but it is not easy for any of us.
The emotion that I felt was like no other I have ever dealt with.
Not just the pain of what had happened or that I lost what I thought was my marriage, but all of the changes.
It is very good that your husband is doing what he needs to do, that shows that your marriage with lots of effort can heal and that you have a very bright future. My wife has worked real hard and done the things she needed to as well and it helps a whole lot but nothing she does changes the past or the pain she caused me.

It is the new relationship that I look at when I get down or sad, or in pain from what happened. I have to look at who she is now and not who she was during her affair.

You also very much need to talk to people even if it is just us on this site it will help you to get it out.

As in reply #6 I kept a jornal and wrote down all of my hates,fears, and everything accualy over the first 9 months I filled up two.

I wish you the best and have much hope for you and your family it seems that you are doing a great job heading forward and just know that the pain and tears will not last forever.

There is a sub group on DS Rebuilding Marriage after an affair it is a good group as well.

Also I hope Cole responds he is really good at helping.
Dear Peggy has some really good articles that are free she spent over 30 years helping people deal with affairs and I read a lot of her articles.
I truly hope that helped and if there is anything else that you want to discuse I will be happy to help.

Well you seem to have 2 things going on here (IMO)
Pregnancy hormones & the end to what was likely "hysterical bonding".

Hysterical bonding happens to many of us bs. Its those early monthsof rebuilding where your almost high with lust, love, and a need to be close and empathetic to your cs. Usually we focus our anger in those other than our cs, such as AP or secret keepers (like cs family and friends).

When that bonding period wears off we are left with the harsh reality of what was done. I know my worst months were after i went through hysterical bonding. I kinda went from HB to complacent, to hate and disgust.

Be open with your H. You may feel that its not fair to him because you were doing so well and he's done so much to redeem himself. But it's ok to let him know where your at. I wouldn't throw it in his face but Deffinately go to him. Let him comfort you. Coming here is also a good idea. Journaling can be a way to track your progress. Stay busy reading some good healing books. If you havea friend that you trust, I would reccomend you consider confiding so that you have that live support.

Let your ob/gyn know your going through a personal crisis that's causing you to have these real low moods. He may havea suggestion as well.

As always, Pink is right....the hysterical bonding can come to a sudden end and you feel like you are back to DDay when the real impact of the betrayal takes hold. I look at that time as the period where the real work began. The hysterical bonding time was the time my hair was on fire and all I could do was hang on and hope to live through it all. When the wall of reality sets in, the real work begins. That is when having the therapist means the most. IMO

First of all, to sign in today and see all your responses was so wonderful. I appreciate it so much! I never heard of hysterical bonding before and that's EXACTLY what happened! It makes total sense now that I've seen someone talk about it!

You all hit so many things on the head, it really makes me feel so good to be part of this group. I do talk to my husband when I'm upset. I've never intentionally thrown it in his face. 9 times out of 10 I just break down and sob in his arms. I tell him how I feel and he's always there for me. Sometimes it makes him cry, too.

I do have a friend I could confide in - I'm not 100% sure why it's so hard to just call her and tell her. I feel like my friends and family have so many of their own problems that I don't want to bother them with mine. But I will work on the courage to call her. I know she would be there for me. Like I said, it's like I don't want to bother people.

Between therapy last night and seeing your responses, I feel like today is a really good day. Thank you all so much for your support!!!

I also started writing in my journal on here yesterday. I plan to keep doing that and see how well it helps me. I'm hoping that, especially if I write good positive things, it'll help me heal looking back on the things I've written.

I really don't have much to add to the advice given.

For me, depression set in once I honestly felt the "danger" was over. It's like once I felt she was going to be okay, I could finally rest enough to focus on me. That's when the reality of what I lost hit home enough to grieve over it. For me, that happened about 9 months after dday. It is all normal, and it will get better, but it won't happen overnight. It takes a while.

Thank you so much for sharing your story.

Everyone gets past the grieving phase.

Sometimes, telling a friend can complicate matters and make it challenging for them to reintegrate back into having a balanced relationship with the CS. Often the friend/confidante can take a side, point of view, or offer advice that convolutes the situation. The CS can feel that their indiscretion is now table-talk, making it distressing for them to reintegrate back into the friendship, especially if it's your bestie. There is also the burden that you place on your friend/confidante, without ever knowing if they'd rather not know.

Upon my D Day, I felt like I had been dragged out to sea on a leaking boat. The focus became the relationship, the infidelity, and the leaking boat. Once I was able to see land again, I waded back to shore, burned the boat, kept warm by its fire, and began to work on myself. It wasn't until then that I could feel the ground under my feet.

I wish you well.

Im glad you are feeling a little better. This rebuilding crap can suck at times but honestly, if you find it is successful, it can be very rewarding.

Keep taking care of yourself. Reducing stress is the most important thing you can do right now to make sure your pregnancy goes smoothly.