Wow! I can not believe I am coming up to 3 years post D day next week. Things are so much better now. Some how I turned into this older - wiser - version of the really fun and cool person I was in my early 20s when the ex and I met. Everyone says I look better than I have in years.

It is not as stressful and I expected being on my own. I have also learned a TON about relationships. My kids are used to things.

All in all - MUCH better.

Its been over three years for me and things are definitely better. I am not comfortably numb. In fact I am probably more aware and in tune with life than I was prior to the affair. I am also older and wiser and perhaps a bit jaded, but maybe that is what is needed to view life the way it should be seen.

I've learned that if I just keep my mouth shut and never mention anything about the affair or show any negativity or sadness or frustration or resentment...then everything runs smoothly and my wife and family are happy.

At first I couldn't maintain that for very long. But I can now for much longer stretches of time.

So I'm wondering if I'm actual healing or just taking the path of least resistance because I'm burned out.

I still think about it way too much. I don't know how to shut it off.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ANGRYELMO}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Im so sorry :(

Hey bud....

I will respond below each of your quoted sentences.

"I've learned that if I just keep my mouth shut and never mention anything about the affair or show any negativity or sadness or frustration or resentment...then everything runs smoothly and my wife and family are happy"

It is certainly wise to avoid discussing in front of your children.
You need to decide what it is you need from your wife and clearly communicate it with her. If you can define this for yourself.....and present it to your wife....then she can begin working on it.

I may be going out on a limb here.....but if you're are anything like me......it is simply the affair trauma that is still affecting you. That NOTHING she will do or say makes you feel better.....or that you got closure. If this is the case......then internal work (IC) is the best course of action.

At first I couldn't maintain that for very long. But I can now for much longer stretches of time.

Understood....your mind shuts off the thinking process to avoid the pain. You have been there....done that. At this point ....acceptance is the answer IMO. You cannot turn back the clock unfortunately. Can you accept what happened? Is your wife a person that you want to be with? Can the trust be rebuilt? Has she met your needs (again....you must define them clearly)?

So I'm wondering if I'm actual healing or just taking the path of least resistance because I'm burned out.

IMO....I think you want to UNDO what happened. If you think about it enough.....and try to rationalize it.....you can make sense of it. Then the pain will go away. Unfortunately, that bell cannot be unrung.

I still think about it way too much. I don't know how to shut it off.

I hear you. Its not easy. My therapist suggested 'labeling' several weeks ago. Basically...when you have these thoughts....you make yourself aware of it.....and say to yourself "there i go with that obsessive thinking"....."i need to change my thoughts because it does not help".
If you keep practicing this....you will have much better control of changing your thoughts. It has been working for me. It's not a miracle cure...but it helps.

Just know buddy.....that we know how you feel. Only those who have experienced this can understand.

Try the IC with a clear objective.
Tell the therapist...I NEED HELP WITH THE OBSESSIVE THINKING.

You can and will be able to quell it in time.
Whether your marriage is salvagable is a different issue.

"I've learned that if I just keep my mouth shut and never mention anything about the affair or show any negativity or sadness or frustration or resentment...then everything runs smoothly and my wife and family are happy."

Oh my gosh, do I hear ya there! The only way it gets brought up is if I do it. Seems to be a common pattern with the CS. So, at least we're not alone, I guess. I guess I wonder if that's just something we have to accept? Because I know for me it makes it feel like I'm working on it alone, and like he doesn't really care how I'm doing. And that makes it hard to move forward. Something to explorce in IC, perhaps.

"So I'm wondering if I'm actual healing or just taking the path of least resistance because I'm burned out."

Me, too. I think what we fear most is probably that we're not doing this reconciliation thing right, and if we don't, will they do this all over again? BIG fear.

I'm 7 months in, though, so not as long as you. But I could have written your posts for sure.