Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
I've been with my husband for 16 years and we have two kids. I call him my husband but we aren't legally married. I recently found out that he has been lying to me for the last 2 years and involved in an emotional affair for the last 6 months or so. It started with him locking his phone, going online to connect with women, pornsites, to staying overnight so he wouldnt have to commute. To recently going out to places with the co-worker that turned into more. I know it sounds like why didn't I see the signs but I did and every time I confronted him, asked him, he would spin it and create a story or feed me lies that I actually believed. Most of the time he would get angry and shut down so I was left with the unknown for a very long time. All our fights we're about him living a secret life away from me and our kids and her never saw it that way. He saw me as a nag who wouldnt leave him alone and me wanting to know what was going on in his life or who he was talking to he said was invading his privacy because it's his life. He's very stubborn and no one can tell him what to do so it was hard to try to communicate with him. I didn't walk away at the first mistakes he made because I never knew for certain and I didnt want to throw away all the years we had been together because I truly believed we could work on our troubles and fix them. finally I had to hack into everything just to find the proof of the affair and caught him in all his lies. He finally admitted it and has said sorrys, tried to justify it all but he now realizes how bad and far he went to please himself and how selfish he has been. He sees he has major self issues he needs to fix before he can even consider working on our relationship but that leaves me in limbo. My world is destroyed and I can't grasp or accept the knowledge that he would do this to the one person that has been the only one by his side, loved him and supported him through everything. I know we had problems but I never imagined this. My question to anyone is how do you cope with the pain, sadness and heartache of it all? How do you turn off the obsessive thoughts of what they did, talked about or all of it? I've been dealing with so many emotions and can't stop crying. I have days where I am ok but then something reminds me of his betrayal and I lose it all over again. I start to have negative thoughts towards myself, feeling like I'm not good enough, maybe I did something wrong or didn't love him enough. How does a person manage every day with such heartache? I am even willing to consider couples counseling to try to get passed this but now he isn't sure that he can forgive himself for hurting me. He's all messed up in his head and not happy with himself. He wants time to figure out his own head but where does that leave me? I get that he needs to fix his own issues to a point but what am I supposed to do til then? Wait for maybe him to consider us or just let him go completely? I am so confused, lost and alone. I try to put on a brave face for our children but they know what their Dad did and it's hard to be normal. I've gone to therapy alone but my therapist is a man hater so that didn't work. I'm in the process of looking for a new one but in the meantime I get so crazy in my head. I can't sleep, don't eat and can't focus at work. I have to be okay long enough to take care of my kids and once they are alseep my nightmare destroys me. I hate myself right now. I'm weak and afraid and feel like a failure in life. All I ever wanted was to be someone's love and live happy. Now I feel like my love is crap and worthless. Sorry for the long rant but this doesn't even cover all of it. . Scary!
In any sense he doesn't want to take the initiative to change or perhaps he doesn't believe there is anything wrong with him.
Separation at a minimum seems necessary at this point. Honestly I think you will get through this fine. It can't be much harder living without him given the description you have of him.
Since your kids know it will probably be beneficial for them to see you show self respect and not allow his behavior to continue. You don't want enabling behavior to rub off on them or they could allow themselves to enable similar types of abuse from others in the future.
I can relate to you on so many levels. It is soooo hard. Honey, I am glad that you are searching for a therapist, but what about him? He certainly does have a lot to figure out and I don't think he'll succeed on his own. I think he needs to do a lot of self-examination as to why he is treating you this way, what needs he is trying to fulfill, and what is a healthier way to approach getting his needs met. And if the two of you are going to work it out, then I really think you need to get into couple's counseling.
If he is serious about wanting to get himself straightened out, I'm wondering if there are any strong men whom he really respects who are in successful relationships who could come along side him as accountability partners. What he might interpret from you as nagging, he might really take in if a solid man whom he admires calls him out and holds him accountable.
My marriage broke up when my husband got involved with an old high school friend from Facebook. When it happened, I worried about why wasn't I enough, and I became like Martha Stewart, cooking good meals, keeping the house picked up, trying to show him that I was a good wife that he wouldn't want to leave. If I had to do it again, I'd have done it differently. All that did was made it easier to keep doing the bad stuff, having his cake and eating it too. If I had to do it again, I'd have kicked him out of the house, made him go find some place else to stay so that he would get a wake up call. When it happened, I thought it was all me, and so I got into counseling. He didn't. Being Martha Stewart didn't help. Going into counseling only helped me, not him. It was because I was afraid to confront him, to make him face the hard realities of his choices. How I wish I had done that!
Sweetheart, if counseling helps you, good for you. But for this to work, he needs to work for it too. You might approach him about couple's counseling and if you can think of a man he really trusts and respects to come alongside as an accountability partner, that might help. Hugs to you!
guilt. He says he loves me and cares about me but he's changed and needs to find that person again. Its hard to trust what he says because he lied to me for so long and it all sounds like excuses and BS. When things were tough, I didn't run into anyone, I stuck it out and worked on what needed to be fixed. He says he wishes he could change things and maybe if he would've come to me sooner and made an effort to fix things then he wouldnt have betrayed me but he did and he can't change it. He can only try to get himself better and he needs to be alone to do it. He is now pushing me out of our home because I am a constant reminder of his guilt and he can't deal with it. He says he has to focus on himself and getting better so he can be a father to our kids and focus at work because all this has messed up his mind and he can't handle it. So separation is my only option because even if I could take the steps to try to get past his betrayal, he's not in a place to consider working on us right now. I have to learn to face facts that it's over and nothing I say or do will change him. I have to hate him to get over him because I care so much and still love him so much.He doesn't know I need to do that. He doesn't want me to hate him but I must. I am okay saying it's over but actually really accepting it and doing it are two different things. I just feel lost, alone and worthless. I feel like nothing I do, no matter how much I love or sacrificed is enough to be and feel loved. He's made me doubt myself and be insecure about everything that I feel like I'm nothing. How could he throw away 16 years so easily? He says because he doesn't show emotions doesn't mean it doesn't hurt or that he doesn't care but I don't believe that. I'm so confused and when I really get lost in my own head I go to dark places. I just want to HATE him so I can move on but it's so hard. He doesn't realize how deeply I love and care for him and it's not something I take lightly or can change so easily like him. I've always been the type of person to give myself completely into a relationship and this just makes me feel I'll be alone forever because I won't feel good about myself or be able to trust anyone. I'm just thinking too much. Sorry to those who left advice. I hear it and appreciate it I'm just in a weird frame of mind right now. But thank you everyone for your help. It has helped me alot to talk about this even if it doesn't sound like it right now. Talking to family only brings me judgement and criticism and that's not what I need. I am going to let this be for now and focus today solely on my kids and making their day fun today. We had plans and he tried to sabotage them but I won't let him do that.
Guilt is just all about him feeling bad for himself and how he feels about his situation. It is self focused and another form of selfishness.
Remorse would be feeling empathy for you and your kids and how his actions have affected you.
The first just keeps the downward spiral going with no positive change.
The second way of thinking starts the practice of thinking about others and developing empathy. Only through this way can you learn to love people and gain a sense of self worth. The more he focuses on others the less he will focus on himself.
One thing many BSes figure out is that throwing yourself fully into your relationship to the level where it becomes part of your identity is dangerous and unhealthy. Codependency will cause you to be overly attached even when logically it makes no sense. It is something you may need to figure out in counseling.
Legally married or not, most states/provinces have common law and as such division of assets and home may still apply.
Furthermore, in most western court systems it unfairly favors the women in custody, child support, and alimony. In your case I am glad there is protection for you.
Unless there is some type of sort of legally binding agreement between you two I don't think you and your children can't just be kicked out.
Once you leave the home things become difficult.
It's unfortunate also that he is using his kid to blame you while at the same time taking away their security, home, and subjecting them to emotional turmoil. A man who doesn't love his own kids is really something else.
Taking down the pictures, all the blame shifting, telling the kids before you could do so together (impression management and re-writing the narrative), being totally self-absorbed...yes you have a cheater here making many classic and predictable moves right out of the cheater's handbook.
Consider looking at Chumplady.com's website. There are archives there that discuss exactly this type of personality and forums you can chat on. They have lots of information about abandoning the home or standing your ground from those who have gone before you.
I wish you luck! Put on your own oxygen mask and save yourself first!
You have claim to half the home's value, half custody (I would suggest getting physical custody), child support, and alimony given your lesser salary (especially if you had stayed at home at any point to raise the kids).
He is trying to trick you into leaving the house and offer you less than you are entitled to through the law.
Copy and past this in a post. I will like to give you information but don’t want to hyjack her posting. Be strong, you are not alone!
Hugs