even though my H and i are separated and going to divorce, i understand so well what you said: "I don't want to deal with fucking consequences for feelings that are a consequence of choices she made" that is how i felt during the months we were trying to reconcile after his affairs. i still feel that now, on a lot of levels.

but also, i just want to tell you: you did NOT cause her affair. you might "feel" like maybe if you'd have paid more attention to her this never would have happened. and on some level i understand why you feel that way. but the bottom line is, you don't make someone cheat. there are all kinds of ways she could have chosen to address her concerns in your marriage, even asking you for a separation if she felt neglected. but she cheated instead, and that is on a whole different level. also, i don't know all the ins and outs of your marriage, but i will say this: my stbxh cheated on me, and i gave him all of the attention in the world. i know it may seem like "if only id have _____" but see, we all have that. we all have something that fits in the blank. "if only i would have _____." or "if only i wouldn't have _____." but the reality of it is, no matter what someone does or doesn't do, the other spouse ALWAYS has the choice to do something besides cheating. always always always.

I feel the same way! I also think that my H's xOW was watching me on here so I cancelled my account a few times. Then my h was watching me on here too and got really offended when someone asked knowing what you know now would you still have gotten married. The way I felt that day I said "no"! I don't feel that way today but he was hurt. So I set my privacy higher. I like to have support from those who understand and are on the outside of our family w/o co-pay! So I think I will stay, post, and journal.

"I don't really want my wife here reading what I write." I find it strange that she'd either have your password, have access to your account, or know your profile name.

She tells you that your feelings have consequence? In what context does she mean that?

Her actions have consequence, and as far as I can remember, you can't help how you feel, but you can certainly help how you react to those feelings.

"... if I would have just paid more attention to her ... " I'm wondering who's writing this post?

Wife bashing? Really? And you're an asshole because ... ???

Given the situation, I say you have every right to post here and have your privacy here. It's not cheating to be here.

So, you worked a lot....it that makes you a jerk? Really? You didn't always pay attention to her...that makes you human. Even in the midst of all of that, you did not make the choice, on your own, to pull down your pants with someone else.

This is a support group. You know, we all landed up here, and stayed, because no one else gets it, what it's like to have this rug pulled out from under you. No one else does. And if that offends her?

Tell her to go to hell.

Sending you support, L~

I told my husband that I was on a support group and he ask to read what I wrote and what people told me. I told him flat out NO. This is my therapy. He went to private therapy and flat out told me don't ask him what happen in each session. I agreed (though I was dying to know) and now you want to know all MY inter thoughts and problems and whatever? How does that even make sense. I told him you tell me what happen in your sessions, better yet get a copy of your medical notes and let me read them then I will let you read my journal post. I'm sure we all know how that conversation ended, he suddenly didn't want to talk about it anymore and said never mind.

He had is work girlfriend that he confided in to this day I still get pissed because he gave her one advantage he didn't give his own wife of a most 20 years, he told her things about me (he said they never talk about their spouses but that I doubt). Issues or problems he had with me he told her, how he probably truly feels about me he told her and then he wants to get tight lipped about HER and tell me NOTHING except she is a good person and sweet. Oh yeah? So what you are saying is I can go out and have an affair and you will still view me as a good person and sweet? This is the standard of woman that will have your mind and possibly your heart? A woman who is lying to you and her husband, a woman who let's someone other than her spouse kiss and hug and a woman who tells someone other than the one she vowed to love what she wants to do to him? Because if that is the standard you have for the women you want, that can be arranged. Just give me 30 minutes to walk out this door and go some place where men hang and I could be well on my way.

Only problem is...I have morals and I have no problem saying no to advances and sweet words and lies. I've been so disgusted by all of this and what is going on with other friends that I'm just turned off by the whole idea of marriage. It means NOTHING anymore.

I find it very ironic that the people who did the cheating suddenly now what to keep tabs on their BS and read our thought when they kept their thoughts and secrets about their affairs tightly wrapped. Really, now you want openness?

Don't started letting her blame shift and trying to shoulder her decision to cheat and your problems too. Yeah we can all do better, no marriage is perfect not a one. Marriage is about work and you either but that work in or move on and find your happiness with someone else. I can't fault anyone for wanting happiness but I can fault you for having an affair when you could have just told me you are not happy and you want a divorce. I'm not one of those people that will cry and beg you to stay. If I'm not wanted, I'm not wanted I will survive. I sure don't want to say with you while you are sitting there sad and pining away about some other woman.

One other thought when cheating spouses try to shift the blame to the BS that is just one other example of how selfish they are. The fact that things are not right or this is a problem is not a green light for an affair. That is like saying that because I can't pay my mortgage it is the banks fault that I had to go out and rob another bank to pay my mortgage. NOPE it's was your choice to do that because you thought that was the easiest and fastest way to fix your problem.

I concur with the majority.
You have every right to be here where you can express your feelings freely and "without consequence." SHE gets hurt and angry? Well... If she wasn't unfaithful to begin with, you wouldn't even be experiencing the feelings you are., right? AND honestly... Why would she expect you to feel any differently? Perhaps if she tried to have more empathy, instead of anger for what you are experiencing, then maybe you would be inclined to share more with her.

Anyway... as lstecker pointed out, this is A SUPPORT GROUP.
just happens to be online. What is shared on here is between those of us who have been through the same thing...really no different than if you were attending a support group for something else. It is always private within that room. This is for YOU

....'your feelings have consequences'.....


????????

I would be saying 'you mean, my feelings about you cheating????'

L~

I guess I just have a hard time. My parents did nothing but badmouth each other to us kids. Their inability to get along ruined several childhoods and a couple adult lives. I always told myself I wouldn't be "that guy." I don't think I ever said a bad thing about my wife behind her back, and now all of the sudden I feel like that is what I am doing. Please don't get me wrong... I've said some really inappropriate and hurtful stuff to her face, but I guess I play by the old rule of "if you can't say it to someone's face, don't say it at all."

Even after the EA I don't think I ever talked about her behind her back. That is one of the things that hurt so bad... here is a story.

So my wife had always said she didn't care if I wanted to go to a strip club. Up through my 20's I had never been to one since I got married before I was old enough to go, and after that it just wasn't a priority. Anyways, I went on a long business trip to the other side of the world (literally). One night the guys from the office said they were taking me out (didn't say where) and it turns out they took me to, you guessed it, a strip club. So I acted like a gentleman, kept my hands to myself, had some beers with the guys, and went back to the office to work. When I got there it was just about time for her to be getting up, so I called her on the phone.

When she asked what I did that day, I told her about work and told her about the fact that the guys took me to the strip club. She exploded on me, told me up one side and down the other, and I think ended up hanging up (don't quote me... I don't remember). I just remember walking back to the hotel that night. It was 3am, and while I was in a good area of the city, the country I was in was known for American kidnappings. The streets were empty, I was uneasy, felt guilty as hell, my wife (who I missed a great deal) was furious with me, I was 13,000 miles from home in a strange place, and had never before nor since felt so alone.

Now, for the sake of disclosure, it WAS the type of place that you could order "take-out" if you know what I mean, but I had nothing to do with it, didn't pick the place, and was at the mercy of others for transport. Judge me if you like... I can handle it and won't defend.

Anyways, even after the blow up I said nothing but nice things about her the whole time I was there, and even skipped some activities so I could stay in the hotel room and talk with her one night. I saw a lot of guys do stupid crap, and it was important to me (again) not to be "that guy." On the way back a couple weeks later I wanted to do something nice for her (not out of guilt.. just because I missed her). She loved pearls, so I bought her matching Tahitian pearl earrings and a necklace. They came from the south Pacific, so kind of a souvenir? It was about $1,200 if I remember right. I'm not good at showing affection (didn't even know what that word meant growing up) and I am not romantic, but that is how I knew to show her I cared. She later confessed that she figured I had just bought them because I cheated on her and felt guilty. Ouch.

Anyways, I found out later on that the whole time I was gone she was sitting around having webcam chats with the OM. That one really hurt.

As far as thinking this is my fault, I don't really feel that way. She is an adult and it was her choice. I just meant to say that I am presenting a one-sided story and it feels kind of wrong... I can be really really insensitive without realizing it, have a hard time with empathy, don't always know how to show affection, and especially in my "young and stupid" years did and said some hurtful things (no cheating though). In other words, I don't want to make myself look like this perfect husband who did everything right with an evil bitch wife that does everything wrong. I am not. Especially since the EA she usually goes out of her way to be nice to me. Then she lies to me about shit and undoes it all, and says I focus on the negative. Sounds like a weird dynamic after vocalizing it.

WhAt happened between her and you?
The cheating was between her and a male scumbag just like her.

I'll comment more later, but I did want to let you know that this forum is PUBLIC. You only need to log in if you want to POST.

I know it is public. Things like messages and history and whatnot aren't though.

If she finds me here she finds me. I am just nt encouraging it.

Funny I have 2 sides to my posting here. Initially and still periodically I wanted him to show interest. In a "hey how is this really affecting you" way.

Yet the there is the private side that sees this as counseling or private discussions amongst friends. He's never asked for Pw and shows minimal interest. I think for him he prefers to not go through his actions again unless I make a discussion unavoidable.

So I don't worry much about my posts as I would be happy to have an open discussion about them.

Mauszer - If you were getting therapy in a shrink's office, this probably wouldn't be an issue for you or your CS, would it? Well, this is the 21st Century, Pal. This online forum is just a modern-day method of therapy. I'm new here (just joined yesterday), but as near as I can tell, everybody on here is pretty much anonymous. I am not likely to bump into your CS in the CVS and snicker at her. You are entitled (ENTITLED) to journal, and to write whatever you want. Your CS has forfeited the right to object. What's more, she should be THANKFUL that you are venting and sharing with anonymous people online, rather than griping to Mrs. Blabbermouth who lives across the street from you. Some of the most interesting, private, or provocative conversations I have ever had were with random folks I sat next to on an airplane or train. Single serving friends.

You shared, "I liked being respected) and if I would have just paid more attention to her this never would have happened." This is just not true...at all. Just because you work long hours to get ahead, does not give her permission to cheat. Actually, she might have been very grateful for a husband who works hard to get ahead. That is "her" thinking, and "her" justification. Not even close!