Hi Crazy!

I am 2.5 years since Dday.
My STBX also will not go for therapy.
She does not want to talk about it either.
I have no idea what the truth is.

Dec 2009 was two years for me since D-day and I am in same boat. To them it is the past. My H and I never went to counseling mainly due to money. It is Very expensive here and insurance doesn't cover it.

I wonder why neither of us felt that it was important enough to make the sacrific to get counseling. Makes me wonder if either of us feel our marriage is really worth it???

I am not so far into this myself, but counseling was a requirement for our reconciliation. My H had left me for 3 months. When he told me he wanted to come home, he actually brought up counseling himself. Of course, I agreed, and told him it was a non-negotiable requirement for rebuilding our marriage.

Just a few months into this, and he has already made comments about not wanting to live in the past. Part of this stems from not wanting to revisit their "crime" or be reminded of the pain they caused. I brought this up at our last counseling session because I wanted him to realize that this is a process that will take a long time (most of what I read says at least 1 1/2 - 2 years) and that my feelings and reactions are completely normal.

That is where counseling, or at least reading good, informative books on the subject may help your spouse. He needs to understand that this is not just you, but it is a commonality for all betrayed spouses in this situation. What he probably does not realize or understand is that those on the other side of an affair actually go through what is described or equated to post-traumatic stress. You are going through what you need to go through in order to heal, and yes, move on.

What I am going to try to impress upon my H is that this is not about punishing him, re-hashing details, or staying "stuck in the past," but getting the full picture of what happened so I can move on. It is about replacing the lies with the truth. It is about him regaining my trust through talking openly and honestly. It's a necessary part of this that he has to be on board with.

Would he be willing to read a book? I am currently reading "Not Just Friends" as recommended by some here. I guess you have to decide how important this part of rebuiding the relationship is to you. If you feel it is necessary and he refuses, I question his commitment to doing whatever is needed. I wonder if he has considered that, perhaps if he would have agreed to counseling, you might be further along in your healing than you are? He needs to understand there is benefit to him as well as you. It can take longer to recover from infidelity without help.

My stbx was the same way, his addiction had him in denial of even having a problem. He called me weak for going to counseling.

Mine never told me the truth about her first infidelity when it happened (but I figured she was playing fast and loose with the facts anyway), but she finally came clean with it when I caught her in March of last year. It bothered me more because it re-opened an old wound that I thought was healed over. I then realized we really never dealt with her original affair anyway.

Speaking for myself, I just found that as long as she was open and honest about her whereabouts and in building trust, I didn't really pursue the facts too much beyond what she originally told me.

My divorce will be final in a week, so I'm not sure about what advice to give if you're trying to keep things together, but if you are concerned, I would definitely bring it up with your spouse.

If you find that you can't work through it, you may have some difficult decisions to make.

there are a couple things i think we forget. observation changes the results, and you get what you focus on. for awhile questioning and stuff is good. eventualy its either you can move on or you cant. if you cant then you need to move on with life. the more you focus on it the more it will effect things. i know its hard but there are things that help get your mind off it. to an extent your H is doing the right thing. let it be over and done and move forward with you. how many car wrecks would you get in if you spent most of your drive time looking in the rearview mirror? or tried running cross contry backwards? i KNOW how much it hurts. i know how much it can change you. detailes won't help. shure i am plagued with questions but knowing the answeres won't help me. there are basic stuff; who, when, where, and why, but only vaguely. do i worry his... you know is bigger than mine? you bettcha. could i believe what she said about this? nope. would know ing actualy help? no. if its bigger than ill feel inadaquit and if its smaller then he must have had something special. granted a graphic guy consern but i promise every guy here worries about it. you have to find the line between info that will help you move on. weather its with him or not, and what is just torturing yourself. pain is a drug. it is very easy to without reolizing it get addicted to your struggle. to be the marter is a high.

You can never get past this until you truly feel that you have been heard. If you can never get to the point of being heard, how can it be in the past? It's not in the past. It's still your present.

In your marriage, you have to be able to talk about your feelings. When one partner won't talk or won't be approachable to your talking, there is a problem that will fester forever. So....tell him, period, that you need to talk. End of story. Put your foot down - and tell him that you are only doing this for the best interests of your marriage...

Sending you support, L~

He does not live in the past, but history does repeat itself.

Saying that we don't live in the past is the most ridiculous statement to me. Our past is what defines who we are. Our past is what we draw our futures from. If we don't learn from "past" mistakes does that mean that we're perfect?

I would suspect that he means but doesn't say... "Let's not dwell on my mistakes and my flaws".

LStecker is right, as long as there are lingering questions his past mistakes are your present issues. Only you will know when you've heard enough to take the leap of faith to repair your marriage.
However long it takes you is not to be dictated by anyone but you.

It takes a meeting of the minds and intense work on their part to look at themselves and face what they did. Saying that he doesn't live in the past tells me that he's unwilling to do the work on himself.

I agree with rel8. Your past defines you. My H has used that "I don't live in the past" thing too, but not about the A, just life in general. But he understands that the A isn't in the past, it was our part of our life. What do we have if we are not building a life of memories and love?