We have not told anyone else either, and many don't, for whatever reasons they deem. Some feel you need to out them so that they can realize, feel and see the damage it has caused and begin their own journey of self-change. Depending on the circumstances, I agree with this outting of a cheating spouse, but not everyone can do it.

You say you didn't know he was so unhappy, and I'm assuming he has told you this as a reason for his infidelity. It doesn't matter how unhappy he says he was, playing that card is called blame-shifting, meaning he's blaming the reason for his infidelity on you; it's dastardly and vile, and shrugs off any responsibility for his actions.

Being unhappy is not a reason to go out and have an affair, never is and never will be. Affairs don't just happen, they are methodically planned and executed. A man with his history should never be permitted to have relations with other women that don't involve you. He has proven that he cannot keep female friends as just friends, and for as long as he does, you will have triggers. Nothing you could have done would have stopped this from happening, absolutely nothing. He did all of this, all on his own, you cannot take any blame for it at all. If you do, your stunting your chances of moving forward in a healthy way, he gets a slap on the wrist, and you get a life sentence.

There are basic rules that must be put in place before a loyal spouse can start to heal. They are: he must go completely no contact with any/all of the affair partners, none at all, not even to cut things off or make explanations to them, you are the important one, not them. Anything to do with the affairs, must be trashed, no mementoes of any sort.

All his digitial devices must be an open book for you to peruse at any time you feel triggered. No private emails, no private accounts, no private passwords, no private anything, at all. Anything that he does that triggers you, has to change so it no longer triggers you. Going out with the boys? Sorry, he's lost his priveleges. A man who cannot abide by this, is not ready to reconcile or realize the damage he has caused.

Our big d day was September 2014. I feel like it was yesterday. Heck, even today. I hope that you are having a better week. I truly do understand what you are feeling and hope as we share we can help each other in some way.

it took a bit over 2y to really get to a place where the reminders didnt cause painful sting....you are still early in the process, as experts on infidelity typically agree it takes 2-5 years to heal from such traumatic event....so hang in there and just keep active, focus on yourself, finding a hobby was also a great thing for me to keep focused on something else

For some who have been cheated on the cheating is so traumatizing that a form of PTSD results.

It can not be removed from their thoughts by a force of will. Almost anything can trigger it.

for me, i was traumatized like that. It took years to stop it. Nightmares, and so on.

I even was triggered by driving past the apartments the ex-wife used to manage and cheat in.

I finally moved away from that city and the triggering stopped. Divorcing her and remarrying someone else, definitely helped the healing.

Hello Ineedadvise.

Dday for me was May 21, 2009. Coming up on 7 years. We also told no one but went to some intense MC for almost 2 years & went back again later. That, for me, was key in getting our marriage back on track. The 1st year was hell. It didn't help that my H worked with the OW. Closely worked with her & continued doing so after the A was exposed.

I had crazy thoughts of calling his supervisor & pleading with him to separate the two of them. And I'm not ashamed to admit that I made it hell for the OW too. After 2 months, called her H & filled him in on what was going on. I understand they're divorced now. My H no longer works with OW. That was a huge relief. And yep, I still check his brief case, car & wallet. Sometimes he sees me doing it, sometimes not. It doesn't bother me in the least & while he may have a pained look when I do it, he understands. The biggest thing that we have had in our corner is communication. He wanted the marriage to work. I made it clear that I was not dependent on him & that I could leave at any time without any further conversation. I didn't do it in a threaten manner. I plan & simply told him my heart has a permanently scar on it & I want that scar to be treated with respect - by me and by him.

6 years later (almost 7) we are in a healthy, close relationship. It's been a struggle, however, I'm happy that we both made the effort to make It work again. It's important to also know that his A has nothing to do with me (and you), it's purely selfish on his part. So it doesn't seem right that you have do some work in getting it back on track, after all, you did nothing to contribute to his A. This is something that can be forgiven & I'm 98% there in the forgiveness department. Time is inconsequential. You take all the time you need. Doesn't matter if it takes 1 year or 10 years (even more!). It's a slow steady process that you can't rush through. And the decision to stay is one that my H is thankful for every day. He makes himself available & visible in all that he does. In the beginning (ok, lets be real 5 years) I needed that. While some of my guard has been brought down - the occasional checking of said wallet, phone, brief case is all that's needed. And when I find nothing? Relief. And it brings me closer to him.

Will it ever get better for you? Yes, it will. Time does heal all wounds - but it is never forgotten.

Thanks 4yearslater. If I could ask you, how did you deal with the sexual connection in your time of rebuilding? I sometimes wonder if I didn't withhold long enough, but the weird thing is I felt more willing after I found out , and that's probably because It was one of the reasons for the affair in the first place, no surprise there, aren't most affairs due to lack of sex and attention, or am I wrong?? Also how do you cope with the daily references on TV about affairs, I mean am I crazy or what?? I feel like I can't escape it, although I am trying really really hard. That's just one trigger. I have too many to go into,but they are present all the time.

I just hit the 5 year mark from the date I found out of my husband's affair. I had PTSD, triggers, the whole deal. It took a good 2+ years before I felt like I was going to be okay. It takes time and alot of work on both parties part. My husband and I are now the happiest we have ever been and our communication is 110% better. There is hope.

The sexual connection: Oh, I wasn't "pretty" about that at all. Our sex life was very active. I screamed at him during the "act" literally. Like you, I wanted it, probably more so, because I needed to him to feel what he could potentially be missing out on.

Affairs don't happen because there's lack of sex or attention. They happen because the AP is really the one with the low esteem and they need to be told all the time how wonderful they are, how good they are. The more people that tell him, the better. That's where it gets messy. These are called boundaries. I think for all intents & purposes, we all know what boundaries are. Having drinks after work with coworkers, bot male & female, is ok. Accepting an invitation for a drink with the only one person of the opposite sex, should make anyone stand back and say no. Not If you value your spouse. Period.

The daily references about affairs that seemed to me to be constantly in my face definitely caused so many triggers. Maybe it was just a commercial for a show or movie. But that's all it took and I'd be thrown into another fit of tears. Time is key. as NJFOOL posted, it took me 2+ years before I felt just ok. The continued counseling, communication was key. No question you ask is off limits.

You may also want to take a look over at the Rebuilding Marriage after the affair here as well if your looking to rebuild. A great group of folks that are working on their marriages in hopes of saving it. http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/rebuilding-marriage-after-infidelity.

I'm almost at 5 years after dday (May 11).

Triggers:

There are several ways to deal with them. First, by avoiding them when possible.

Second, by using distractions (music, exercise, hobby, or even a little pain (snapping of a rubber band around your wrist) to help your mind to stop going there.

Third, redefining them with new meaning, the new overwriting the old.

Fourth, the pain of them can dull over time, that's assuming the CS is doing their part in the healing process. If they aren't, the triggers will stay fresh.

But both of you need to know you won't be getting over it in a few days, weeks, or months; it's likely to take a minimum of two years, IF the CS is doing their part, to not feel so stricken by them.

I don't have that many triggers as I used to, and when I do, it is more of a moment of sadness at the loss rather than a full breakdown. Right now, there are mainly two things that tend to trigger an emotional reaction from me:

Certain songs she started playing, especially by one particular artist, that had a sexual meaning to them, and to some extent when I wake up and she's not there in the house and I didn't know she was leaving.

Happened to me just this past week. I was too tired to go to our Sat. morning Zumba class, and so I stayed in bed. She couldn't go to sleep having just woke up, so she decided to go by herself after I was fast asleep. That was a little triggery not just because she wasn't there when I woke up, but she'd left a note where she went (which was good) that she went to the gym. As it happened, the gym is where she met AP#2, the one she had full sex with for 7 weeks before I discovered it. Different gym than the one her A happened at, but seeing that, it did make me think of the As she had had and old feelings about it all bubbled to the surface. I wasn't worried anything would happen (many people there know us and that we're married, if she was seen working out or swimming with another man it would get back to me).

But the main thing that needs to happen is for the CS to heal themselves by evaluating where they went astray and dealing with those issues. I told her shortly after dday that my healing will be in direct proportion to hers. If she didn't do the work to heal the breakdown of how she went down that path, the effects of the affair in me would stay constantly renewed, trust could not be rebuilt, and the marriage would end. Thankfully, she did do what needed to be done, which gave me the room to begin my own healing process. It's kind of hard to heal when you feel the knife still in your back. That keeps the fear alive and the pain fresh, and triggers stay multiple and strong. In those situations, to heal will have to be without them.

Forgive:

It is certainly part of healing to forgive if you plan on staying together. But you need to keep in mind certain realities.

One, forgiveness is a process with us humans. We often forgive someone, but find ourselves picking it back up, or a new layer is revealed that needs to be forgiven.

Two, forgiveness and healing are not constant straight upward slopes, but often two steps forward and one back.

Three, forgiveness does not mean you act like the affair never happened, which is rugsweeping. Affairs have consequences that takes years to heal. There is a difference between bringing something up in order to manipulate the CS with guilt, which is unhealthy and what forgiveness should prevent, and refusing to sweep issues under the rug for the sake of peace and avoidance of conflict.

You wouldn't be happy if your doctor told you to forgive your flu-laden-head for making you so miserable then send you on your way without any medications because now we can't bring it up anymore since it has been forgiven. The CS still has the painful task of correcting within themselves where they went wrong and helping the BS to deal with it as much as possible.

Forgetting:

Forgetting can have two meanings in this context. The one I believe is meant by the phrase, "Forgive and forget," is the context that it will not be brought up again in order to convict the CS of their crime.

IOW, if a judge forgives a law-breaker of his crime, it then requires letting them out of jail. Then the matter has been dealt with and the books are closed on the case. Now those records are stored somewhere and generally accessible for people to look at and remember what happened, but the judge cannot reopen the case short of new evidence, and put you back in jail for what you did. Likewise, the BS, if they've truly forgiven the CS, means they aren't going to hold the pain they gave you over their heads in a "see what you did to me!" type of response. It doesn't mean you should hide your emotions when triggers hit, or just pretend as if it never happened. Only that the case of what the CS did to the BS and the relationship has been closed, and not intentionally revived to guilt the CS.

The broader meaning of forgetting--that you no longer recall that it ever happened or any details about it, or the pain it put you through--is different, and is impossible to do short of dementia of some kind. As a matte of fact, to do that is harmful. The affair has become part of your relationship journey. It has changed who you are individually and as a couple. The rebuilding process requires that you work to incorporate that part of the reality of what happened into a new relationship that will work for both of you. If that doesn't happen for the BS, rebuilding will fail either by leaving you stranded in an unhappy marriage or in divorce.

If it cannot be integrated successfully, the story ends like an unresolved novel. Or in the writing world, it would be the same as no longer being able to suspend disbelief at a plot so the reader puts the book down and doesn't finish it. That's why BSs have such a drive to know the details of what happened, and trying to make sense of it, because they're attempting to figure out "Is there a valid route to how this event can be believably integrated into our relationship, or do I need to end this chapter and start a new one with someone else?"

The latter definition is what many often think of when they hear "forgive and forget." It's not that you literally forget that it happened, only that once forgiven, the subject is no longer raised in accusations, only in healing. Keeping in mind this will take some time to work through for both of you. It isn't a one second you treat them as guilty of hurting you, the next all is well and we can now move on. The more you heal, the more you've forgiven. The more you forgive, the more you'll heal.

To illustrate, I'll tell you a real story of a couple who was on here back in 2011-2012 when I came on the scene here. I won't give a lot of details, though some of us old timers may guess who I'm talking about.

A wife cheated on her husband and he found out. He was understandably outraged, and naturally most of us BSs got that. But as time went on, it became painfully obvious that he was using her cheating to control her. He didn't let her go out much, or associate with anyone, male or female (she had a lesbian affair), and any argument about anything, however unrelated, he'd win by bring up what she did as way worse than what he'd done, so she didn't have any rights to complain about anything. This went on for some months. In that time, we learned that he actually introduced her to that sexual relationship because he wanted a threesome, thought it would be great to watch his wife get off with another woman. But he found he didn't like it as much as he thought he would, and stopped the proceedings between the two women, but he had both of them.

But she discovered that the experience hooked her into desiring more of it, and though he refused to let her do it again, she continued with that woman behind his back. Certainly what she did was wrong and needed to be dealt with, but obviously he was unwilling to release his one trump card to guilt her into doing what he wanted her to do. Meanwhile, his hands were guilty of similar sins.

That's an example of not forgiving or forgetting in the spirit of the saying. Dealing with the emotional and consequential fallout of an affair is not refusing to forget or forgive. It is how you heal and rebuild.

It would be especially hard for me to forget since I wrote a book about the whole experience: Healing Infidelity

Hope you can work through these issues.