Forgiveness is not only for him but for you.. It relieves you of bitterness, resentment, anger.. just the negativity. Forgetting is a difficult thing however it can be accomplished. I believe asking God will give you the strength and courage to forget. Also, healing time is another way to forget. When our brains replace ugly memories with good memories, we tend to forget the bad. But I have to add, remembering some of the bad allows for a perspective. It reminds us of what we could of loss and/or how to better prepare ourselves in case it happens again which we hope and pray it will not happen again. I can tell you, forgetting is the most difficult thing I am trying to overcome but as time passes it gets a lil easier. I hope this provides words of encouragement. Marriage is not easy and is more difficult when infidelity has been thrown in the mix because its the ultimate betrayal.. I have a different look "NOW", I think he betrayed God and himself more than me... He short changed himself with you. God is Awesome... so love yourself and let what God has in store move you. I am finally celebrating in the growth of my trial and what I have learned from it. God said, be joyous in all trials... which is difficult but in the end, we can actually see the beauty if you believe.
R-

BTW, I think I got the genders reverse but it applies to Faithful Spouse... sorry

I feel differently. For me my H's infidelity, the betrayal is unforgivable.
And who could forget the pain?

The triggers can be bad. However, over time that will get better, especially if your H is being good. But you will not be able to erase the memories. You don't need to dwell on them either though.

Why should you trust your H? That trust needs to be earned.

I have it all - the triggers although these days those aren't as bad, the memories, nightmares. I do not trust my H and check on him all the time. He gets very frustrated with me. At a session with his T that
I went to, my H brought this up. The T explained that my H had taught me not to trust him. I almost laughed. This is exactly what he did.

So don't be too hard on yourself. They cheat and we suffer. I turn to my H all the time and just tell him I need to be comforted, I need to hear he loves me. I need to know his A is over. I need whatever and it's up to him to make me better. See if this works for you.

I don't listen to anyone who tells me to forgive to forget to just move forward with my life, put his A in the past. Nope. I want my H to apologize every single day. I want him to put me first. That's what helps me. Try it.

What has he done to ensure this will never happen again... If it is "business as usual" of course you will be triggered.. Is he telling you about his day, telling you where he is, how long he will be gone... Ect texting you through out your day.. This can make it easier.. Forgive, probably not. Unless he can give you, show you there is a plan in place.
I am better .. Not great, I can work without anxiety .. He texts me often

What hasn't he answered to your satisfaction?

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. Under a year is still early. I'm at 1.5 years, and just now, over the period of the last 4 months, have I been able to calm down. However, that said, the triggers have been removed, and that probably has everything to do with it. The OW lives in another town, and my H doesn't travel there to see his dad alone anymore, which is when it would take place. My betrayal also did not involve a love affair situation, as it was mostly carnal pleasure.

If there are situations which cause you triggers, the only thing that works for me is to eliminate them altogether, because triggers can take years and years to subside, and if there is anything he does or has to do, that would involve a trigger, they'd never go away.

I have been able to forgive him in a compassionate way, but there still lives inside me the discombobulation of how he could do such a thing. So for me, as long as my H doesn't ask to do something that triggers me, we're fine, but the moment anything is mentioned that triggers me, we're not fine, and this is what he has to live with.

Regarding the forget thing, I wish I could, but the sensible me knows very well that forgetting is not a possibility, and the term 'to forgive and forget', has no meaning to me, and whoever came up with it, was not a betrayed spouse, I can assure you of that. You will probably never forget, but as long as he keeps it in check, and obeys your rules regarding triggers, the pain subsides and allows you to fill those massive crevices with delightful things, which is how one heals.

Regarding the counter-productiveness of harboring triggers, I don't believe you or I, or any of us, have any control over triggers. They are what they are, and no amount of belief is going to assuage the extreme cutting feeling that I experience when they happen, and to ignore them, in my opinion, is what's counter-productive. Our triggers are a barometer of where we are in our healing journey, and you can tell yourself the sun is shining as much as you want, but when it's pouring rain, it's pouring rain.

You say your situation has a lot of triggers, and this is what concerns me, that perhaps your husband has not done everything he can to remove them, in order to allow you to heal. This burden falls on them, the cheating spouse, and without their commitment to removing the triggers from your life, you won't be able to move on.

If you're unsure, spell them out here, and we can try to help you with what you can do to resolve them, and offer you a sounding board of what is and what is not acceptable. You won't be judged on what you should have, could have, yada yada done, because that's behind you now, and we are all in that very same boat. What's important is you, your current state of mind, and how you can move forward to a better place.

I wish you well.

For the one who say, don't listen to anyone who said forgive or forget...
It is a choice in the matter... It does not indicate by any means that you accept the fact your husband or spouse cheated. It merely means to forgive so you do not hold onto the bitterness and develop resentment. I do forgive my husband and forgetting what he has done is very difficult. However, I love him tremendously and want to move forward for healing. I want my husband to know what he has done is not going to define me. It has defined him already. If the cheating spouse is sincere about his betrayal and is truly dedicated to making things right with you... than let him. If you love him, learn to let it go and heal together and make what you have now and moving forward better than before. It is easier said than done but true forgiveness releases me for his wrongdoing. He will carry it forever.. He will carry the burden forever... There is nothing that will change the fact of what he done but allowing him to redeem himself and more than likely will make him a better person. If you continue to hold it over his head, he is likely to do it again because he will never be able to please you or meet your standards. Trust me, I wanted my husband to apologize everyday, be at my feet and make it right all by himself... but beating him down everyday got us nowhere.. If you love yourself you will forgive and establish new memories and a new life because that is basically what needs to happen. It a new season and the old-ugly unwanted season is over.. This is not for him but for you as well. I choose to love and love him 100%.. My vows of for better or worse means a lot to me. I can only do my part and he has to do his.. If he is willing, let him and I can almost guarantee ~ life will be much better... and you never know.. better than what you could possibly imagine.

And another thing, those who say

"Regarding the forget thing, I wish I could, but the sensible me knows very well that forgetting is not a possibility, and the term 'to forgive and forget', has no meaning to me, and whoever came up with it, was not a betrayed spouse"

I WAS A BETRAYED SPOUSE so I take offense to the comment considering everyone is different.... I lived with it for many years and maybe ignorant to the fact of leaving my husband but I hold true to my Christian values. It is our choice to divorce or wait for things to change. People do change and God willing, I was able to endure the trial for a better life today. So, lets not make things convoluted to the fact that those who try and are willing to forget, want to not relive the trauma of what a cheating spouse has done and how it affects them physically, mentally and emotionally. I am learning to deal with this in a different way than many who just allow it to torture there mind ~ day in and day out. I am not naive to the fact of the situation but God has changed my husband, my marriage and our lives altogether.

To forgive someone is like forgiving a debt.. Would you loan someone 1,000,000 and if they defaulted on loan.. Forgive their debt? To forgive is to say I will never bring it up, it didn't happen, it doesn't exist.
My opinion ... Everyone is different

That's a good point Cali.

Broken, I can hear you quite well, without the caps. We all have our ways of dealing, and I'm happy to know yours works for you. The point I am making is that it is impossible to forget something so traumatic, unless one sustains an injury resulting in amnesia.

One cannot unsee, unhear, or unknow, what they've experienced, it's not physically possible, at least it's not for me, and perhaps many. Betrayals result in post traumatic stress disorder, and you cannot bend your brain to just forget it happened. You may be able to, but I certainly cannot.

So, it's best in this case to agree to disagree, because after all, this post is about someone looking for advice, and not sparring with each other over our belief system.

I wish you well.

10/8/16 will be 8 years since I walked in on my wife and the scum of the earth. So, what I will tell you is get ALL the info you need to heal or you WILL NEVER heal together. I went through 2 years of trickle truth before I gave up asking for the answers to the questions I still have. Tears were a great ploy for her to get me to stop asking questions, whether intentional or not, I hated seeing my wife cry. It tore me up inside every time. So it was swept under the rug and I went through the next 5-6 years in silent anguish. We forged on but there were triggers everywhere, to which I finally became callous.That is not recommended, but that's the way I dealt with it. And now I just moved out on Monday. I finally couldn't take it anymore. Although I would not blow up on her when we would have arguments or disagreements, in my head it would be the; "who do you think you are" thought process. "After what you did? Who do you think you are?" But communication was not a strong point for me and it got to the point where I wasn't telling my wife ANYTHING about how I was feeling(good or bad) because I didn't trust her with MY feelings. She had to tell this piece of s*it something bad about me to justify doing what she did(and I'll never know because I stopped asking questions). I wasn't going to give her the ammo to shoot me if she was going to stray again. Again, lack of communication, but that's how I lived. Inside me. In the last couple years we went back and forth with divorce/no divorce scenarios but because we had to younger kids, I stayed around. But now I've come to the end of my rope. If you don't fix it NOW and to YOUR SATISFACTION, I'm afraid you may be in the same situation I am in now(PLEASE DON"T WAIT YEARS). Don't get me wrong, a weight has been lifted, but YEARS of suffering could have been avoided if I could just communicate with her. The years of leaving the room when a affair type situation would come on the TV or movie can be avoided if you get everything from you husband that YOU need to heal. EVERY! LAST! DETAIL! that you need to heal. I'm sorry you're here but I'm glad you have the forum to talk to someone. I went 10 months before I found a place to vent!! That was a horrible year. I was suicidal, LOL and homicidal but I didn't act on them. Thank God! BUT................. I got to kick his ass a couple times though. ;-) Good luck to you, and everyone here who has to go through this horrible nightmare.

Maybe some can not reprogram ourselves to forget.. As you said, it is an agree to disagree subject. However, my point was different to give someone hope for their marriage. Torturing a CS is not going to make a marriage better and in many ways it will only push them even further away.. So if you love someone and can forgive, why push them further away? I know there is a healing process in all of this and I am still going through it however I choose a different route which is to love my husband regardless of what he has done. My love is not conditional for him.. Trust me it has not been an easy road and many times I would have rather left because of the torturing thoughts but if he is willing to do the right thing and work towards a more loving and faithful marriage - I am willing as well. So, to come full circle, it had to do with forgiving him so we do not carry negativity within ourselves.

Some people believe in unconditional love.. I don't. If you read the bible.. It doesn't ever mention it either.
My H and I are better now than before his A. This is how we have done it. Honesty, about our past, present and fututre. He has givin me honest accounts of his A until I was satisfied... We do not bring it up any more. We spend 15+ hours together each week. We meet each other emotional needs. We discuss how we are doing? If there are any issues we need to work on..(each week). he has given me just compensation for his actions. There is a plan in place, no friend of the opposite sex, no working alone with someone of the opposite sex. No social media of any kind.
We have to be in complete agreement about everything, and happy with the decision. If we are not we find a different solution. Until we come to a mutual agreement.
Do I trust him.. Probably no the same as I once did. Do I look at his text messages and emails .. Occasionally. Does he know... Yes. Do I have a program that looks at deleted texts... Yes
Refuse to be a victim again. I love him and I am happy

Thanks for all the advise. My triggers are anything from a the mention of a jewelry store to a room in my house, so it's been a struggle for me to keep my balance. I should point out, and some might not agree or understand, but ours is an unconventional approach to this because we have not told a sole. Why you ask, one reason is that my mother is not well and I will not have her worrying about me. I don't want to tell my girls because they have a picture in place of their fathers and my marriage that I don't want to spoil for them, I know to some this might sound crazy, maybe someday when this hopefully becomes a distant memory, but not right now. The only person I told passed away last summer and I was crushed, still am, she was a wonderful person and I miss her for all kinds of reasons, not just the obvious. Oh I guess I should mention that we never separated , which I guess would be obvious given that we told no one. So although I'm moving along I can't turn off my brain just yet.

Lenoire, Ty that is exactly what my point is. it's like telling a jury to disregard what they just heard, that's all I'm saying. I'm in it for the long haul for my family, but I just can't seem to get it together with all that has happened, after all it's been 12 years, even though he says it did not become sexual until some years later. I told him that doesn't matter. There was also a one night stand with an ex he left me for. There were woman who were supposedly just friends trying to help him with me. I had the utmost trust in my husband to the point where I never questioned a thing he did, Man did I learn the hard way, so now for me I have to learn a whole new way of dealing with my marriage, and I resent it because I had no clue how unhappy he was. I could have done something about it before he let this get so far. My marriage took on a whole new dynamic after I found out, which was by error. My cell was acting up so he offered his old one and the rest is history