Whew! That's a tough one! I, too, had a girlfriend that counseled me when I was beginning to have feelings for my OM. She told me she had an affair the year before, so I felt I could confide in her and maybe get some help for the confusion that was going on in my head at that time. However, she really didn't help me the way she should have, and even joked with me about her affair - telling me that she told her husband she had been raped. All along, she made me believe that she would be there for me, but she wasn't at all. In spite of her joking around, she told her husband what I was going through. He, in turn, told my husband, and then all hell broke loose. In the end, I realized that she really wasn't the good friend I thought she was. No, I can't blame her or her husband for my wrong doing, but I wish they had been there for me. Why couldn't they have counseled me, instead of just blatantly turning me in? I could have been vengeful, and turned around and told her husband that she lied about being raped. However, I'm not that kind of person. I've never spoken to them again, either.

It sounds like you ARE a good friend to both of these people. I'm sure it's tough to feel like you are in the middle, too! I guess you just have to decide how important your friendship is to each of them. If you get too involved either way, you may end up cutting off your friendship with both of them, especially if you end up ratting on her. If you value the friendship with her, just keep trying to talk to her about what she's risking by continuing her behavior. Maybe you could share this message board with her and/or people's stories you've read here, as well. I think if someone had told me about DS before I had my affair, I might have stopped things before they went too far. Perhaps if she read about all the hurt people go through, it would make her think twice about what she's doing. Also, I'm now a firm believer in "what comes around, goes around"! Sooner or later, the truth does seem to come out!

Well, I hope some of what I said might help you. Good Luck!

You're in a very tough place... I think NOW that I have been hurt my husband's affairs. I would tell her to do the right thing, the moral thing is not to have an affair, if she EVER had any feelings for her husband she owes him to be up front and honest with him. If she continued to have her affair I would stop all contact with her, by keeping her sercret it looks like you think it's ok. WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF HER HUSBAND CAME RIGHT OUT AND ASKED YOU IF YOU KNEW SHE WAS HAVING AN AFFAIR ? What would you tell him, would you be honest or would you LIE to him too? Good Luck.

my friend was cheating on her hubby and worse yet she was telling him we were going out on a girls night(which we were) then she would call the om and have him meet us..

I finally told her no more...that I couldn`t deal with her using me to see him and that she had to tell her H cause I couldn`t look him in the eyes..my h and I spent alot of time with them ..

my advice would be to tell her to come clean to her H and that you are done being her accomplice..yes you might lose her friendship but if she values your friendship she will not keep making you uncomfortable like this and putting you in the middle

I found out my wife's friend (who was kinda my friend too) knew about it, in fact she wanted to sleep with the same guy! I was pretty upset with her friend when I found out because I feel it's a GOOD friend's responsibility to tell someone when they are messing up. I wish her friend would have told her to take a step back and at least have enough respect for me to tell me something was wrong and she was looking outside the marriage. I think her friend should have been a friend, not some chatty cathy to laugh and make fun of me and my stupidity and being played like a fool. If any of my friends were doing the same thing I'd feel compelled to at least give them the quick "hey man, are you sure this is what you want to do? Shouldn't you just tell your wife? At least be a man and break it off with the wife first then go get on that buesiness, but have some FREAKING integrity!" And I think that's exactly the word, INTEGRITY, can you look yourself in the mirror? Can you REALLY LOOK at your self in the mirror? Ask them that, see how they feel about being a POS and how careless they are with someone's love and their relationship.

Ahh, the dilemnas of friendship. To stay loyal to the friend even when you know what they are doing is dispicable and selfish, or to not be loyal to the friendship and possibly save the innocent spouse the pains of a sexually transmitted disease. Since the affair has happened, the husband is going to be hurt once he finds out. That is the nature of infidelity. It tears at the very soul of those that were cheated on.

Your freind may well be able to keep her affair a secret. In that case, her husband will be blissfully unaware but is being robbed of the initimacy that he should be getting from his wife. She, on the other hand, if she has ANY conscience at all, will likely start to suffer from guilt because she KNOWS that what she is doing is WRONG!! This guilt will eat at the relationship and destroy the love that is supposed to flourish in marriage. If she is not happy in the marriage she should spare HIM the pain and divorce him. I do not envy your position.

being loyal to a friend is all fine and dandy, but when they go against something that you feel strongly about... when they try to make you go against your integrity... they are not being a friend. when they are acting like that, asking oyu to lie(because not telling is the same as lying) to cover them... that isn't right.

Believe it or nor, Sara is a wonderful person. That is why this part of her life does not 'fit' who she is... I have asked her, are you sure tihs is who you want to be??? Its not you, its not what you stand for. She tells me she loves her husband. But they got married young (she was 18) and she never got the chance to sow her oats. I told her I understand that and that must be hard for her, however,she is now in a committed, long term relationship and that unless he is fine with an open marriage she needs to STOP what she is doing because it is dishonest with him. He is aware they have issues, as they have had them all along. He is a very traditional, family man and I highly doubt he will walk away from the marriage unless who knows she has cheated on him, again. He is already aware of the one of the times - the first time many,many years ago. She tells me her family would never accept her leaving John, and that she would never leave her marriage for another man, because she is not like that.... I am becoming more confused. Not that one time is EVER ok, but the first time she told me about an affair I truly thought she was seeking for something that was missing, that was why I suggested personal counceling so she could find whatever this void was and fill it, instead of continuing in this manner. I want her to be happy. I understand personally what it means to not be happy and be locked in a marriage, but I don't think that justifies continuing in wrong behavior. I have told her all of these things.

On the flip side, I love her husband like a brother. He is a good man and it hurts me knowing she is doing this to him, although I know he knows she is 'unhappy' in the marriage. I dont sit around with her and make jokes about him. I tell her she is risking losing a good thing and what will she do if he walks out... things like that. I don't feel it is my resposibility to tell him, she needs to step up and do that. Seeing him everyday is getting harder. I feel like I am screwed. I tried to help and now I have gotten myself in this mess. My fear is that when/if he finds out this was going on and becomes aware that I knew (althought I WAS NOT encouraging it) he opinion of me will be dashed. And, that matters to me. I suppose I should continue to be a friend to her and encourage her to do the right things, but make sure she is aware that if he asks me I will can no longer lie on her behalf.

no... if she is good in every other arena of her life... but htis one... that sounds to me almost like an addiction, and one that she is going to have to face the consequences of before she is willing(only possibly) to kick it... but as it is, you might not be encouraging, but you are enabling... if you don't want to tell the husband, that is ok, but don't let her bring this specific problem to you. That you can't condone, and if she tried to make you her confident in this, and only this, that things will change.You are not being a friend to her by enabling her either... Now, you can't change what she does, and what she does in the bed is something that should be between her and her husband, don't let her use you to get her emotional fix... it will eat you up(as it already is)

Why does it feel as if I am the one cheating?

I have had the same thing happen to me... I had a friend who was a great person... She would do anything for me or any of her other friends...
I worked with her and I knew about her problems in her marriage... Her husband drink alot and didn't help her at all at home..
One day she came into the office and told me that she had met a wonderful man and was very interested in he, as he was very interested in her. His wife had died the previous year and she was thinking about going out with him...
I told her that she needed to divorce her husband first... I begged her not to get involved with him until she was free...
I think she really appreciated me talking to her and being her friend...
In a few months I left the job, but she later called me to tell me that she and her husband had divorced....
She was free to date and find someone who would treat her like she always should have been treated...

What would I tell you, Givemewin.... is tell her that she is wrong and until she changes how she is treating her husband, you can't be friends with her....
You are making yourself a party to her adultery... and she is not being fair to you!!!
Find yourself more friend and leave her alone!!!

You probably feel like you are the one that is cheating because you are aware of both sides of the situation. You state that he is a good, traditional man that will be crushed to hear that his wife is cheating ... AGAIN. You know that what your friend is doing is wrong and hurtful but you don't want to stand in the way of her happiness. If her happiness involves hurting others then she is not a very good person (and the sowing her oats stuff is crap - my (now ex) wife sowed LOTS of oats before we ever met and that did not stop her from cheating). And you are right; if the husband finds out about the infidelity and knows that you knew, you will be kicked to the curb and lose his friendship. You are not in an admirable position. This will continue to eat at you until you are forced to make a decision ... either abandon the friendship or to tell the husband of the affair. Either way people will be hurt and feel betrayed. I'm sorry you are in this position ... it sucks.

By the way, my ex had a friend that was the confidant for a lot of my ex's indiscresions. She kept all of the secrets to herself because she knew the damage it would cause if it was known. Her loyalty to the friendship was returned by being dumped as a friend ... after 20+ years of friendship. This treatment was more than she could bear. Eventually she called me to tell me that she was concerned for the wellfare of my children because my ex was living a reckless lifestyle and my ex did not have the best interests of the children at heart. Be prepared to lose the friendship of both people because it may happen.

What I am hearing from most is that I may be in the wrong...? I WISH she had never told me. I want to be clear I dont agree with what she is doing. I have struggles of my own, but evenso I was in an unhappy marriage for years and did not cheat, because it is WRONG. She hears this each time she brings it to me.

Should I step up and take responsibility for her actions and break the news - in order to maintain my own integrity? Somehow I feel that would be overstepping. It seems as though my own intergrity is on the line for her actions....

Because this has never been an issue for me I was unaware of just how damaging it could be. I guess somehow it is good to know this could all get turned around and somehow I become part of the problem. I need to look at it from his perspective and see how it would be in his shoes...

So what I am hearing is that I need to tell her that although I love her and she has been there for me unless she stops this behavior I will no longer be her friend or I am gonna bring this to her husb attention?

It still feels I'd be trying to take control over a situation that I have not control over...

guess I need to get over it. boy, this is gonna be fun.

For me, I would have a hard time continuing to be friends with someone that I knew was engaging in activity that is going to hurt someone else. If you have read the posts of others here, you are aware of how much pain cheating causes to those that were cheated on. It is a hard choice but you need to do what is going to be best for you.

Yep, I do. I think I may take your recent post in reasons for cheating and give that to her. Although her husb is none of those things. What is it gonna take to shed light on this for her? maybe the loss of a friends ear to hear...