Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
Welcome to the first day of your ecourse on The 7 Things You Need to Know to Truly Heal.
Have you ever heard the expression: It ain't what you don't know that's the trouble; it's what you know that just ain't so?
Well, right now what is standing in the way of your recovery is exactly that: the things that you know that just ain't so. We'll be addressing the most important ones over the next seven days. Because the new awareness you gain as you read this ecourse will make a huge difference to the speed of your recovery.
A lot of things that you thought you knew that just aren't so are things that your partner has told you. Maybe other people told them to you before when you were growing up. And they probably also told you that they were just being honest with you. So you believed them.
That's perfectly normal. Especially if it started when you were a child. We were all programmed, as children, to believe what our parents told us after all.
But you're not a child any longer. You're an intelligent woman who has decided to make a better life for herself. And because you're focusing your thoughts and your energies, now, on how to change things for the better, you WILL succeed.
You just need a little encouragement to help you to stay on track.
So think of me as your coach. I'll help you clear away the old stuff that you thought you knew that just ain't so. So you can move on along that track that much faster.
So let's get started.
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7 Things You Need To Know to Truly Heal
Lesson 1
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YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME
What's happened in your relationship is NOT your fault.
All the things your partner has blamed you for are not your fault.
All the things you have blamed yourself for are not your fault.
Now it may be a big step for you to believe this right now. But just think about it for a moment.
Did you deliberately set out to mess up in your relationship and in your life? Did you really go into your relationship to make yourself feel as bad and as wretched and as worthless as possible?
Of course you didn't. You gave it your best, over and over again. You did everything you possibly could to make it work.
How much did your partner REALLY do to make it work? Apart from telling you that it was all your fault?
So you see, it's time to stop blaming yourself for what happened in the relationship. It is absolutely NOT your fault.
Time, instead to start honoring all the courage and loyalty and commitment you've shown.
Just imagine the results you'll see now that you're starting to harness those strengths for your own recovery.
So remember, you've started along the right path. Just keep on taking one small step after another along that path and you WILL reach your destination.
You will survive and THRIVE.
Welcome to the second day of your ecourse on The 7 Things You Need to Know to Truly Heal.
We've already dealt with the damaging guilt that abused women feel when their relationship breaks up. And by now you've started to recognize that it's NOT your fault.
That's so important that you might like to repeat it to yourself at least 3 or 4 times a day. It's NOT your fault.
Today, we're going to look at another key false that holds women back.
They think that they're life is over.
We've all done it.
However miserable our partner has made us, when we start to think about life without him we tell ourselves that our life is over.
Now where did that come from?
Could it be that there was a bit of brainwashing that went on? Did he ever say to you something like: You're nothing without me or You'll never manage on your own?
When you look back at the relationship through your own eyes, how much of the time were you actually supporting him? Maybe financially, maybe emotionally. Maybe both.
How much of the time were you managing for two; or maybe more, if you have children? Supporting him, when you needed some support too?
Now you are already learning how you can be your own support.
If that sounds improbable now, in a few months you'll be able to look back and see how getting rid of a few wrong beliefs has empowered you to make your life so much better.
Which brings me to Lesson 2
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7 Things You Need To Know To Truly Heal
Lesson 2
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Your Whole Life Lies Ahead of You
Helen Keller said:
When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us."
Now I know just how hard it can be to stay positive when times are tough. Had it been someone other than Helen Keller who had said that about happiness, the temptation might be to say: Yeah, right! It's okay for you. But Helen Keller really knew about pain and struggle and happiness.
So how do her words apply to you? Well, they apply quite literally, of course. And they also apply metaphorically.
When you caught yourself out thinking: My life is over, you were looking at the one door of your life that had closed. Weren't you?
How can you know about any other door that's opening for you, if you don't turn your gaze to look for it?
What ever made you think your life might be over?
Some women say it's because they're fifty, or forty, or thirty, or twenty. I've even heard teenagers say it; and believe it.
It's true that you're older than you were at the start of the relationship. But equally, you're the youngest right now that you're ever going to be.
And instead of being with someone who wanted to crush your spirit and squeeze the independent life out of you, you're now free to create the life you want for yourself.
Start by stepping fully into your own life, making it your own.
You haven't done that for a while. You'll find it feels much better than you would have imagined.
Oh, and you can't buy a great new life off the peg, somewhere, at some large out of town shopping mall. You have to create it step by step. Just the way you are starting to now.
So remember, you're treading the right path. Just keep on taking one small step after another along that path and you WILL reach your destination.
Welcome to the third day of your ecourse on The & Things You Need to Know to Truly Heal.
You may be feeling that you'll never get over all the hurt and the suffering you've been through.
Actually, that's just the heart's way of flagging up the importance of understanding everything that happened so you won't respond in the same way to the same signals ever again.
There are only three obstacles to getting over it:
1) understanding why you were vulnerable to someone like that in the first place
2) recognizing the danger signs in his appeal for you
3) breaking the pattern of going over and over the relationship again and again, driven by the belief that if you had just been different', it' would have turned out better.
Well, the truth is this: it was never going to turn out better. He chose you because he sensed, right from the start, that he could feed his self-esteem off you.
Whether because, initially, you came across as a strong woman or he could play the rescuer, he knew that he could use you to make himself feel more of a man.
If you're finding that difficult to understand, you don't need to worry about it for now. Just think what happened to your self-esteem in the relationship.
Your belief that you won't get over hinges on your conviction that your self-esteem has been smashed to pieces and once it's gone, it's gone.
The truth is very different. Not only can you rebuild your self-esteem far quicker than you'd think, once you know how, but you can use all the broken pieces to build a strong foundation. The edifice that you will build on that foundation will be taller, better constructed, and stronger than what you had there in the past.
Which brings me to Lesson 3
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7 Things You Need to Know to Truly Heal
Lesson 3
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You will get over it
Your lost self-esteem may take longer to find than a new boyfriend, so prioritize accordingly. Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo
For many women, the temptation is to get over it' by finding another man. The idea is that if the next man thinks a lot of them, it or more correctly he will rebuild their self-esteem.
How does that work? Just supposing it does work out like that and most times it doesn't; most times when you're down, you'll meet someone else who wants to drain you of what little you have left you haven't rebuilt your self-esteem. The foundations of any renewed self-esteem lie outside you, not within. That's no basis to build a life on.
So how do you start to build strong self-esteem?
You break the habit of going over the relationship in your mind, and repeating all the damaging things he said about you.
How do you do that? By starting to direct your thoughts to the present and the future.
How much time do you really spend thinking about what you want your future to look like?
In a week?
And in a day?
That's what I thought.
The reason that I've heard most commonly for not doing so is that it's not going to happen.
The reality is that it's not going to happen unless you really believe that it will happen.
It's not enough to think it; you've got to let yourself believe it.
So how do you do that?
Start writing out how you would like your future to be, 2 and 5 years down the line.
It's not enough to just spend a few seconds thinking about it in your head. You need to take 10 minutes, even 20 minutes or so, writing it down. You probably won't have any clear idea at first (after all, for a while now you've just developed two visions of your life: one with him in it, the good vision', and one without him, the cataclysmic vision'). That's why you need to do it 3 or 4 times a week.
Be as clear and specific as you can be, about every aspect of the new life you want for yourself.
Each time you do it, fold the piece of paper in half, write a note on it: Not to be opened until a date 2 or more years ahead, and hide it somewhere.
Believe it or not, there's a magic in writing things down. When you do come back to it, although you may have almost forgotten what you said, you'll be surprised to see how much of it has come true. Taking the trouble to write things down has a funny way of making them happen.
And the exercise is a great way of showing you how you can shift your focus from the past onto the exciting, rewarding future that lies ahead for you.
So, since we both know you're serious about getting over it, start today. You can even email me your vision for the future.
Next email is the fourth step to truly healing.
Welcome to the fourth day of your ecourse on The 7 Things You Need to Know to Truly Heal.
Carlos Casteneda once said: 'We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same.'
While I wouldnt want to take issue with the great man, in the case of abused women, Id suggest a slight modification: We stay with a relationship that makes us miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same.
All the time you were trying to keep your relationship together, your attention was fixed on what more you could do. Of course, if you had been the Superwoman you tried to be, and if you had no needs, wants, dreams and frailties of your own, you would have done more.
Would he have thanked you for it? Honestly? If youd been able to do everything he asked of you perfectly, anticipate his every whim, put him first every second of your day (waking and sleeping) would he have changed back into the man you first fell in love with?
Maybe youd like to think that he would have, that he would have realized all that potential you fell in love with. Its a comforting thought.
Heres another thought thats less comforting, but more realistic. The only reason why he has behaved as cruelly towards you as you know he has is because he has it in him to do so.
Thats one aspect of his potential he hasnt had too much of a problem realizing. In fact, hurting you would give him a real sense of his own power. Sure, he might apologize later, but not until he had made sure hed really smashed you down. And, even then, hed always do it again, wouldnt he?
The amazing thing is the strength that youve shown in taking all that he has dished out and still holding onto your hope and faith and the dreams you had about the relationship.
Which brings me to Lesson 4
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7 Things You Need to Know to Truly Heal
Lesson 4
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You have enormous strengths to draw on
Its normal for women in your situation to feel weak and helpless.
Whats actually happened is that their sense of their own identity has been totally undermined.
Because you dont have a clear sense of who you are any more, since youre not who you were before, you assume that you must be weak and helpless.
The fact is, it takes enormous strength to hold fast to a purpose when you are unsupported and youve lost sight of your own identity.
Courage, in the words of Mark Twain, is not the lack of fear. Its acting in spite of it.
Courage is putting one foot in front of the other on your journey of recovery, however hopeless, or frightened, or despairing you may be feeling.
You showed enormous strength in nurturing your doomed relationship.
You show great courage is each small step that you are taking right now.
The difference is this; by putting the same amount of work into taking small steps on your journey to healing that you once put into saving the relationship that made you so miserable, you will get far further, far faster, than you would have believed possible.
The only thing is: youll see it best if you measure it every few months, not every few hours or days.
You know how children on a journey are always asking: Are we nearly there yet? almost as soon as they leave the house? And you know how frustrated they can get with the answer when theyre willing the time away. Well, thats what were doing, before you discovered all that youre learning through this ecourse.
Welcome to the fifth day of your ecourse on The 7 Things You Need to Know to Truly Heal.
Have you ever thought about the old saying: With one leg in the past, and one foot in the future you can only p*ss on the present.
That's exactly how a lot of women, in your situation, live their lives.
They spend most of their time and energy looking back and regretting; and they project their need for a partner who will compensate for their recent unhappy relationship. So, without meaning to, they p*ss on their present and themselves.
Even worse, they lay themselves open to make the same mistakes again.
There are two main ways of bringing this about:
1) choosing someone who is very like your previous partner, in terms of temperament, values and behaviors - rather than looks;
2) choosing someone because they seem the exact opposite of your previous partner.
Either way, the ex-partner still holds power over them. The ex-partner is still the bench mark.
The attraction of what you already know can be hard to resist. While opting for someone who seems diametrically opposed to a previous partner may feel like a guarantee that things will have to turn out different. But it's not.
You ended up in a bad relationship because you weren't looking for the signs in the right places.
The only sure fire way not to repeat the same mistakes again is to start to become very aware of all the clues that abusive men give you; even in the early days of a relationship. And, believe me, they all do.
Which brings me to Lesson 5
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7 Things You Need To Know To Truly Heal
Lesson 5
You can learn how not to make the same mistakes again
Most people can't get behind the wheel of a car for the first time and drive away like a seasoned driver. But one or two can.
Most people can't sit down at a piano for the first time and play a Mozart sonata; although you might find the odd one or two who can play whatever they hear by hear.
Most people won't put their trust in someone who they know is emotionally damaged, had a hard life', and a history of troubled relationships, and achieve their happy ever after. But one or two do.
One thing you've learned from your experience is that you're uncritical to a fault. You're so prepared to believe the very best of your partner (and probably the worst of yourself) that you're blind to the warning signs.
Some people can run faster than others. Some are better at sport, or art than others. Some can sing; others can't. Some are good at math; others aren't. It's not a question of better or worse. It's a simple fact.
Some women are better at relationships than others. Picking good potential partners is not one of your natural gifts. But it is something you can learn.
So how do you do it?
Take new relationships SLOWLY. This serves two purposes: first, it gives you the time to notice things; second, abusive men tend not to want to spend too long courting their prey and they will either start to lose interest or show their true colors.
Make a written record of every little incident' where a new partner behaves in a way that you don't quite like, or you find upsetting. You may start to a see a pattern. He may sulk if he doesn't get his own way, or ignore your feelings, or get angry over small things.
Listen carefully to what he says about his previous girlfriends. If he tells you that they all behaved badly towards him, then that's probably exactly what he'll say about you, one day. If they've all disappointed him, you can bet you'll end up disappointing him too, however hard you try. Because he sees himself as a victim of the women in his life.
Listen carefully to how he talks about other people. If he expresses hostility or contempt for most of the people in his life, that is his base emotion. The time will come when he will surely visit that hostility or contempt on you.
Notice how easily he becomes angry and how angry he gets. You won't be immune from his anger for too long. You can even provoke his anger to see exactly how he behaves; if you dare. And, of course, if you don't, then you really should not be with him.
Find out about his relationship with his family. If his relationship with his family has broken down, or even if his mother seems to dominate him, it bodes badly for his relationship with you.
If he has children by a previous relationship, find out how well they get on with him. If they don't like him there's probably a good reason and it may not be just because his ex-wife/girlfriend is a bitch'.
If he has any addictions, whether to drugs, drink, gambling, sex or anything else; unless you want to play second fiddle to an addiction, that's your cue to run very fast, in the opposite direction. He may beat his addiction one day, but you certainly can't do it for him, and the chances are he will drag you down with him.
If he has a history of violent behavior in his past, assume that you will end up as his punch bag, if you stick around. Your love won't change his behavior.
Get a copy of He's just not that into you by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo and read it until every word is etched on your heart. It will help you to distinguish between the way a man treats you when he truly care and the way hell treat you when they don't.
Grow your circle of friends and well-wishers, so you aren't putting all your emotional eggs in one basket.
Learn to love yourself first. That doesn't mean you shouldn't love other people, it's simply doing the opposite of putting yourself last. You've seen where putting yourself last has ever got you.
Welcome to the sixth day of your ecourse on The 7 Things You Need to Know to Truly Heal.
Unhappiness has a way of collapsing time and space. Thus, when we are unhappy, we not only feel it will last always and forever, we also believe that everything about our life is wrong, bad not good enough and nothing. Robert Holden, Happiness Now.
Unhappiness also has a way of collapsing the human spirit. I say collapsing rather than crushing because its not a permanent thing. It just feels that way. The human spirit can always be re-inflated. And it neednt be nearly as hard to do as you might think.
Its been hard, because you have been trying on your own and without the right tools at your disposal. Its like trying to inflate one of those large exercise balloons just by blowing into it. It can be done, but it will take you much longer and be much harder than it need be; so much harder that you might well be tempted to conclude that youre wasting your effort.
Maybe youve felt like that at times about your recovery; youve worked so hard and yet you dont seem to have put all the hurt and misery behind you.
Well, that only happens when you try to create something different using the tools youve always used.
When you start using the right ones, youll be amazed how much faster and easier it becomes. In fact, it stops feeling like work and starts to feel like a celebration of life, of yourself, of happiness.
Which brings me to Lesson 6
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7 Things You Need To Know To Truly Heal
Lesson 6
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You can discover the way to feel far, far better, more of the time, than you ever did.
Like Robert Holden, I believe you never lose your capacity for happiness.
If you need proof, you only have to look at the moments of laughter and joy youve experienced, however bad things have been. Maybe youve shared laughter with a friend or with a child, even when your relationship was breaking your heart.
You couldnt have done that if you hadnt kept your capacity for joy.
In the past youve fallen into it by chance. But you can discover how to do it systematically, so you will never be weighed down by misery again. My ebook The Woman You Want to Be
Have you ever heard the expression: It ain't what you don't know that's the trouble; it's what you know that just ain't so?
Well, right now what is standing in the way of your recovery is exactly that: the things that you know that just ain't so. We'll be addressing the most important ones over the next seven days. Because the new awareness you gain as you read this ecourse will make a huge difference to the speed of your recovery.
A lot of things that you thought you knew that just aren't so are things that your partner has told you. Maybe other people told them to you before when you were growing up. And they probably also told you that they were just being honest with you. So you believed them.
That's perfectly normal. Especially if it started when you were a child. We were all programmed, as children, to believe what our parents told us after all.
But you're not a child any longer. You're an intelligent woman who has decided to make a better life for herself. And because you're focusing your thoughts and your energies, now, on how to change things for the better, you WILL succeed.
You just need a little encouragement to help you to stay on track.
So think of me as your coach. I'll help you clear away the old stuff that you thought you knew that just ain't so. So you can move on along that track that much faster.
So let's get started.
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7 Things You Need To Know to Truly Heal
Lesson 1
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YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME
What's happened in your relationship is NOT your fault.
All the things your partner has blamed you for are not your fault.
All the things you have blamed yourself for are not your fault.
Now it may be a big step for you to believe this right now. But just think about it for a moment.
Did you deliberately set out to mess up in your relationship and in your life? Did you really go into your relationship to make yourself feel as bad and as wretched and as worthless as possible?
Of course you didn't. You gave it your best, over and over again. You did everything you possibly could to make it work.
How much did your partner REALLY do to make it work? Apart from telling you that it was all your fault?
So you see, it's time to stop blaming yourself for what happened in the relationship. It is absolutely NOT your fault.
Time, instead to start honoring all the courage and loyalty and commitment you've shown.
Just imagine the results you'll see now that you're starting to harness those strengths for your own recovery.
So remember, you've started along the right path. Just keep on taking one small step after another along that path and you WILL reach your destination.
You will survive and THRIVE.
Welcome to the second day of your ecourse on The 7 Things You Need to Know to Truly Heal.
We've already dealt with the damaging guilt that abused women feel when their relationship breaks up. And by now you've started to recognize that it's NOT your fault.
That's so important that you might like to repeat it to yourself at least 3 or 4 times a day. It's NOT your fault.
Today, we're going to look at another key false that holds women back.
They think that they're life is over.
We've all done it.
However miserable our partner has made us, when we start to think about life without him we tell ourselves that our life is over.
Now where did that come from?
Could it be that there was a bit of brainwashing that went on? Did he ever say to you something like: You're nothing without me or You'll never manage on your own?
When you look back at the relationship through your own eyes, how much of the time were you actually supporting him? Maybe financially, maybe emotionally. Maybe both.
How much of the time were you managing for two; or maybe more, if you have children? Supporting him, when you needed some support too?
Now you are already learning how you can be your own support.
If that sounds improbable now, in a few months you'll be able to look back and see how getting rid of a few wrong beliefs has empowered you to make your life so much better.
Which brings me to Lesson 2
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7 Things You Need To Know To Truly Heal
Lesson 2
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Your Whole Life Lies Ahead of You
Helen Keller said:
When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us."
Now I know just how hard it can be to stay positive when times are tough. Had it been someone other than Helen Keller who had said that about happiness, the temptation might be to say: Yeah, right! It's okay for you. But Helen Keller really knew about pain and struggle and happiness.
So how do her words apply to you? Well, they apply quite literally, of course. And they also apply metaphorically.
When you caught yourself out thinking: My life is over, you were looking at the one door of your life that had closed. Weren't you?
How can you know about any other door that's opening for you, if you don't turn your gaze to look for it?
What ever made you think your life might be over?
Some women say it's because they're fifty, or forty, or thirty, or twenty. I've even heard teenagers say it; and believe it.
It's true that you're older than you were at the start of the relationship. But equally, you're the youngest right now that you're ever going to be.
And instead of being with someone who wanted to crush your spirit and squeeze the independent life out of you, you're now free to create the life you want for yourself.
Start by stepping fully into your own life, making it your own.
You haven't done that for a while. You'll find it feels much better than you would have imagined.
Oh, and you can't buy a great new life off the peg, somewhere, at some large out of town shopping mall. You have to create it step by step. Just the way you are starting to now.
So remember, you're treading the right path. Just keep on taking one small step after another along that path and you WILL reach your destination.
Welcome to the third day of your ecourse on The & Things You Need to Know to Truly Heal.
You may be feeling that you'll never get over all the hurt and the suffering you've been through.
Actually, that's just the heart's way of flagging up the importance of understanding everything that happened so you won't respond in the same way to the same signals ever again.
There are only three obstacles to getting over it:
1) understanding why you were vulnerable to someone like that in the first place
2) recognizing the danger signs in his appeal for you
3) breaking the pattern of going over and over the relationship again and again, driven by the belief that if you had just been different', it' would have turned out better.
Well, the truth is this: it was never going to turn out better. He chose you because he sensed, right from the start, that he could feed his self-esteem off you.
Whether because, initially, you came across as a strong woman or he could play the rescuer, he knew that he could use you to make himself feel more of a man.
If you're finding that difficult to understand, you don't need to worry about it for now. Just think what happened to your self-esteem in the relationship.
Your belief that you won't get over hinges on your conviction that your self-esteem has been smashed to pieces and once it's gone, it's gone.
The truth is very different. Not only can you rebuild your self-esteem far quicker than you'd think, once you know how, but you can use all the broken pieces to build a strong foundation. The edifice that you will build on that foundation will be taller, better constructed, and stronger than what you had there in the past.
Which brings me to Lesson 3
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7 Things You Need to Know to Truly Heal
Lesson 3
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You will get over it
Your lost self-esteem may take longer to find than a new boyfriend, so prioritize accordingly. Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo
For many women, the temptation is to get over it' by finding another man. The idea is that if the next man thinks a lot of them, it or more correctly he will rebuild their self-esteem.
How does that work? Just supposing it does work out like that and most times it doesn't; most times when you're down, you'll meet someone else who wants to drain you of what little you have left you haven't rebuilt your self-esteem. The foundations of any renewed self-esteem lie outside you, not within. That's no basis to build a life on.
So how do you start to build strong self-esteem?
You break the habit of going over the relationship in your mind, and repeating all the damaging things he said about you.
How do you do that? By starting to direct your thoughts to the present and the future.
How much time do you really spend thinking about what you want your future to look like?
In a week?
And in a day?
That's what I thought.
The reason that I've heard most commonly for not doing so is that it's not going to happen.
The reality is that it's not going to happen unless you really believe that it will happen.
It's not enough to think it; you've got to let yourself believe it.
So how do you do that?
Start writing out how you would like your future to be, 2 and 5 years down the line.
It's not enough to just spend a few seconds thinking about it in your head. You need to take 10 minutes, even 20 minutes or so, writing it down. You probably won't have any clear idea at first (after all, for a while now you've just developed two visions of your life: one with him in it, the good vision', and one without him, the cataclysmic vision'). That's why you need to do it 3 or 4 times a week.
Be as clear and specific as you can be, about every aspect of the new life you want for yourself.
Each time you do it, fold the piece of paper in half, write a note on it: Not to be opened until a date 2 or more years ahead, and hide it somewhere.
Believe it or not, there's a magic in writing things down. When you do come back to it, although you may have almost forgotten what you said, you'll be surprised to see how much of it has come true. Taking the trouble to write things down has a funny way of making them happen.
And the exercise is a great way of showing you how you can shift your focus from the past onto the exciting, rewarding future that lies ahead for you.
So, since we both know you're serious about getting over it, start today. You can even email me your vision for the future.
Next email is the fourth step to truly healing.
Welcome to the fourth day of your ecourse on The 7 Things You Need to Know to Truly Heal.
Carlos Casteneda once said: 'We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same.'
While I wouldnt want to take issue with the great man, in the case of abused women, Id suggest a slight modification: We stay with a relationship that makes us miserable, or we make ourselves strong. The amount of work is the same.
All the time you were trying to keep your relationship together, your attention was fixed on what more you could do. Of course, if you had been the Superwoman you tried to be, and if you had no needs, wants, dreams and frailties of your own, you would have done more.
Would he have thanked you for it? Honestly? If youd been able to do everything he asked of you perfectly, anticipate his every whim, put him first every second of your day (waking and sleeping) would he have changed back into the man you first fell in love with?
Maybe youd like to think that he would have, that he would have realized all that potential you fell in love with. Its a comforting thought.
Heres another thought thats less comforting, but more realistic. The only reason why he has behaved as cruelly towards you as you know he has is because he has it in him to do so.
Thats one aspect of his potential he hasnt had too much of a problem realizing. In fact, hurting you would give him a real sense of his own power. Sure, he might apologize later, but not until he had made sure hed really smashed you down. And, even then, hed always do it again, wouldnt he?
The amazing thing is the strength that youve shown in taking all that he has dished out and still holding onto your hope and faith and the dreams you had about the relationship.
Which brings me to Lesson 4
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7 Things You Need to Know to Truly Heal
Lesson 4
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You have enormous strengths to draw on
Its normal for women in your situation to feel weak and helpless.
Whats actually happened is that their sense of their own identity has been totally undermined.
Because you dont have a clear sense of who you are any more, since youre not who you were before, you assume that you must be weak and helpless.
The fact is, it takes enormous strength to hold fast to a purpose when you are unsupported and youve lost sight of your own identity.
Courage, in the words of Mark Twain, is not the lack of fear. Its acting in spite of it.
Courage is putting one foot in front of the other on your journey of recovery, however hopeless, or frightened, or despairing you may be feeling.
You showed enormous strength in nurturing your doomed relationship.
You show great courage is each small step that you are taking right now.
The difference is this; by putting the same amount of work into taking small steps on your journey to healing that you once put into saving the relationship that made you so miserable, you will get far further, far faster, than you would have believed possible.
The only thing is: youll see it best if you measure it every few months, not every few hours or days.
You know how children on a journey are always asking: Are we nearly there yet? almost as soon as they leave the house? And you know how frustrated they can get with the answer when theyre willing the time away. Well, thats what were doing, before you discovered all that youre learning through this ecourse.
Welcome to the fifth day of your ecourse on The 7 Things You Need to Know to Truly Heal.
Have you ever thought about the old saying: With one leg in the past, and one foot in the future you can only p*ss on the present.
That's exactly how a lot of women, in your situation, live their lives.
They spend most of their time and energy looking back and regretting; and they project their need for a partner who will compensate for their recent unhappy relationship. So, without meaning to, they p*ss on their present and themselves.
Even worse, they lay themselves open to make the same mistakes again.
There are two main ways of bringing this about:
1) choosing someone who is very like your previous partner, in terms of temperament, values and behaviors - rather than looks;
2) choosing someone because they seem the exact opposite of your previous partner.
Either way, the ex-partner still holds power over them. The ex-partner is still the bench mark.
The attraction of what you already know can be hard to resist. While opting for someone who seems diametrically opposed to a previous partner may feel like a guarantee that things will have to turn out different. But it's not.
You ended up in a bad relationship because you weren't looking for the signs in the right places.
The only sure fire way not to repeat the same mistakes again is to start to become very aware of all the clues that abusive men give you; even in the early days of a relationship. And, believe me, they all do.
Which brings me to Lesson 5
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7 Things You Need To Know To Truly Heal
Lesson 5
You can learn how not to make the same mistakes again
Most people can't get behind the wheel of a car for the first time and drive away like a seasoned driver. But one or two can.
Most people can't sit down at a piano for the first time and play a Mozart sonata; although you might find the odd one or two who can play whatever they hear by hear.
Most people won't put their trust in someone who they know is emotionally damaged, had a hard life', and a history of troubled relationships, and achieve their happy ever after. But one or two do.
One thing you've learned from your experience is that you're uncritical to a fault. You're so prepared to believe the very best of your partner (and probably the worst of yourself) that you're blind to the warning signs.
Some people can run faster than others. Some are better at sport, or art than others. Some can sing; others can't. Some are good at math; others aren't. It's not a question of better or worse. It's a simple fact.
Some women are better at relationships than others. Picking good potential partners is not one of your natural gifts. But it is something you can learn.
So how do you do it?
Take new relationships SLOWLY. This serves two purposes: first, it gives you the time to notice things; second, abusive men tend not to want to spend too long courting their prey and they will either start to lose interest or show their true colors.
Make a written record of every little incident' where a new partner behaves in a way that you don't quite like, or you find upsetting. You may start to a see a pattern. He may sulk if he doesn't get his own way, or ignore your feelings, or get angry over small things.
Listen carefully to what he says about his previous girlfriends. If he tells you that they all behaved badly towards him, then that's probably exactly what he'll say about you, one day. If they've all disappointed him, you can bet you'll end up disappointing him too, however hard you try. Because he sees himself as a victim of the women in his life.
Listen carefully to how he talks about other people. If he expresses hostility or contempt for most of the people in his life, that is his base emotion. The time will come when he will surely visit that hostility or contempt on you.
Notice how easily he becomes angry and how angry he gets. You won't be immune from his anger for too long. You can even provoke his anger to see exactly how he behaves; if you dare. And, of course, if you don't, then you really should not be with him.
Find out about his relationship with his family. If his relationship with his family has broken down, or even if his mother seems to dominate him, it bodes badly for his relationship with you.
If he has children by a previous relationship, find out how well they get on with him. If they don't like him there's probably a good reason and it may not be just because his ex-wife/girlfriend is a bitch'.
If he has any addictions, whether to drugs, drink, gambling, sex or anything else; unless you want to play second fiddle to an addiction, that's your cue to run very fast, in the opposite direction. He may beat his addiction one day, but you certainly can't do it for him, and the chances are he will drag you down with him.
If he has a history of violent behavior in his past, assume that you will end up as his punch bag, if you stick around. Your love won't change his behavior.
Get a copy of He's just not that into you by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo and read it until every word is etched on your heart. It will help you to distinguish between the way a man treats you when he truly care and the way hell treat you when they don't.
Grow your circle of friends and well-wishers, so you aren't putting all your emotional eggs in one basket.
Learn to love yourself first. That doesn't mean you shouldn't love other people, it's simply doing the opposite of putting yourself last. You've seen where putting yourself last has ever got you.
Welcome to the sixth day of your ecourse on The 7 Things You Need to Know to Truly Heal.
Unhappiness has a way of collapsing time and space. Thus, when we are unhappy, we not only feel it will last always and forever, we also believe that everything about our life is wrong, bad not good enough and nothing. Robert Holden, Happiness Now.
Unhappiness also has a way of collapsing the human spirit. I say collapsing rather than crushing because its not a permanent thing. It just feels that way. The human spirit can always be re-inflated. And it neednt be nearly as hard to do as you might think.
Its been hard, because you have been trying on your own and without the right tools at your disposal. Its like trying to inflate one of those large exercise balloons just by blowing into it. It can be done, but it will take you much longer and be much harder than it need be; so much harder that you might well be tempted to conclude that youre wasting your effort.
Maybe youve felt like that at times about your recovery; youve worked so hard and yet you dont seem to have put all the hurt and misery behind you.
Well, that only happens when you try to create something different using the tools youve always used.
When you start using the right ones, youll be amazed how much faster and easier it becomes. In fact, it stops feeling like work and starts to feel like a celebration of life, of yourself, of happiness.
Which brings me to Lesson 6
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7 Things You Need To Know To Truly Heal
Lesson 6
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You can discover the way to feel far, far better, more of the time, than you ever did.
Like Robert Holden, I believe you never lose your capacity for happiness.
If you need proof, you only have to look at the moments of laughter and joy youve experienced, however bad things have been. Maybe youve shared laughter with a friend or with a child, even when your relationship was breaking your heart.
You couldnt have done that if you hadnt kept your capacity for joy.
In the past youve fallen into it by chance. But you can discover how to do it systematically, so you will never be weighed down by misery again. My ebook The Woman You Want to Be
Thanks for posting this.
L~