Infidelity Support Group

Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...

4,945 Members
18,074 Posts
1 Online
Relationships & Sexuality
/ Infidelity Support Group

Angry.

crazymoon5150
crazymoon5150
My best friend and I have been friends for 20 years. Well in the last few weeks Ive become so angry towards her, and I dont know if I should just sever the ties or try to salvage our friendship, She had always been there for me , even when I found out my Husband cheated with a coworker, she was my sounding board, picked me up dusted me off, She had been married herself for 11 yrs, been with her husband for 17. Well I had been going thru this for roughly 3 years and she never batted an eye she was there, then the last year of so she started to change her attitude by some of the things I was saying to her ,she started siding with the Other Woman, looking back I started remembering things she'd tossed at me, "Well maybe he just doesen't love you any more and you should let him go" Or its not fair that the other woman gets all the anger directed at her, my anger towards the woman my H cheated her was misdirected " at first I thought she was being diplomatic, being she was my friend and was "Do the right thing " or miss goody two shoes as we used to joke around and call her, well, it all came out in the last year, NO SHE WAS NOT messing with my H, someone elses. A friend of ours, that we also went to school with, who is /was married, at first I tried to be understanding about it ,because there was history, But now Im just down right angry , all the things I told her , she was doing to someone else, she says shes not a homewrecker that he never loved his wife , and always loved her, I told her, you are in fact a home wrecker and thats what all cheaters say, my H told me the same thing, Its like I dont know her anymore, Both of them whom I have known for 20 plus years are now two people that I handle being around anymore, Since they are "happy" now, everyone else can just go take a hike .. they dont think they have done anything wrong , they act like the end justifys the means, To be around them makes many of us queasy, They make thierSTBX.( yes niether are even divoriced yet, this all happened within the last year) out to be monsters, abusive, disgusting, horrible people, IDK.. Ive deleted my FB, MySpace, Messengers Ive just totally wiped them out of my life, and the thing that bothers me the most was that she basically told me I was "Stupid" for working it out with my Husband, only to find out why because the wife of the guy shes with wouldnt let go, and was fighting for her marriage, like I did, Ive been posting here since my ordeal and just wanted some advice, should I trash my 20 plus years friendship with my "Best" friend or try to slavage, I just can't look at her anymore, :(
deleted_user
deleted_user
To put it bluntly, I would lose her. The fact is, you're angry. She gave you advice, all the while screwing over her husband, who is a friend of yours, and screwing someone else's husband, who is a friend of yours. Evidently, even though she didn't do anything with your H, she clearly doesn't respect marriage or friendships. It is a terrible spot to be in, but how will you trust her? How can you go to her, talking about the infidelity, knowing she carelessly is ruining her own marriage, plus someone else's? People who are supposed to be her friends. She sounds toxic and selfish, and no one needs that in their lives.
lori47
lori47
Not sure if your friendship can be salvaged. You love your husband and willing to look beyond, but your bond with your friend isn't the same. You will always remember the pain you have gone thru and know she is causing someone else the same pain. It will be hard enough to get over what your H has done. Why invest that much emotion into a friendship when you are definitely 2 different people with 2 different standards.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I can definitely understand the anger you are feeling towards your long time friend. I would probably feel the same way.

Maybe you should distance yourself from her right now. I'm not sure you'll want to make that permanent though. Leave room for you to rethink/revisit this in the future. This is all happening really fast at a very emotional time (for everyone).

Just my first thought.....
deleted_user
deleted_user
If you are trying to work on your marriage, spend your energy doing that. I don't think I would like a cheating friend too close to me and my husband. The energy you need to work on your marriage is enough drama inyour life. Your friend lied to you- and ldt a life that was a lie. Do you really need that drama in your life? Maybe when everyone grows up and stops being so self focused there will be time for frindships. For now- it is just too much negative needy emotional energy that you need for yourself.
3GuysMom
3GuysMom
A very close friend of ours wife(my best friend) left her H for a close friend of theirs. My H was furious with this guy that she left her H(one of his best friends)for. Less than a year later he was cheating on me and still saying how wrong it was that this happened to our friend. He felt guilty about what he was doing, but didn't stop until I found out. I think that cheaters are very selfish and can only think of themselves while they're doing it. I often wondered how my H could justify being pissed at my friend and the other guy while he was doing that to me. I understand where you're coming from. That's a tough position to be in. You must do what you feel is right in your heart.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I wouldn't bat an eye as I threw the walking, talking piece of garbage from my life. Let me keep this as short as I can: Now that she's OW "material", she's not to be trusted, or held in your company. Beyond the fact that she has no moral compass and is a bumbling idiot is also the notion that she believes other women's husbands are up for the taking. She'll continue sniffing out other taken men to fill the voids where a heart and brain once took residence. Its best that it not be YOUR husband. Once a snake.....
deleted_user
deleted_user
Crazymoon, let me tell you my thoughts without reading the other replies. I believe, and know firsthand, that when people become involved with another person outside their marriage or committed relationship, all normal reasoning goes out the window. In fact, almost everything that the person once held "dear" to them no longer takes precedence. The cheater simply throws out everything in order to feed the self gratification of the affair. That's just the way it is. All good memories, all loyalties, all concern for those close to them, basically EVERYTHING, becomes secondary. As my counselor said to my wife and I last year, people become "stupid" in affairs. So very true that statement is.

So for you, your best option is to leave your long-term friend alone. You can't have a "real" friendship with these circumstances going on. You'd just be pretending when in fact there's this huge underlying resentment held by you towards her. It stinks because it's yet another loss for you. It's almost like another betrayal by your husband, only this time it's your friend. It hurts, it's hard to believe, and it definitely changes the dynamics moving forward. But she's doing what satisfies her own needs. She was willing to lie to you and cast HER history aside in order to pursue this married man. All you can do is watch her sail off on her own and let her be.

Maybe in time she'll realize what REALLY matters in life and then try to come back to you. She might recognize just how bad she's hurt you too. But then you'd have to decide if you'd really WANT her back in your life. You know you'd never hold her in the same regard as before, so would it even be worth it to you to rebuild this friendship? Only you could answer that down the road.

The only opposing thought here is that people are fallable to making very bad decisions in life. I think we all do at one time or another. God knows I made decisions that have totally changed the course of my life and have seriously affected my "inner being". But I do also have a forgiving heart and don't hold grudges BECAUSE I recognize that we aren't perfect. That's the one redeeming factor for me. I've made mistakes, others make mistakes, and in the long run, do we cast down EVERYONE because of ill-rooted choices? No. Not in my mind. You just give it time and hope those you know have the kind of soul that recognizes right from wrong.

Give it time. LOTS OF TIME. Maybe down the road she'll see ruins she's left behind and come back to make it right.

-TheRule
Blindsidedagain
Blindsidedagain
Same as 3guysmom here but 2X!

My best friends wife was having an affair, and left him.
He was over my house very often crying, as I supported him.
He would call his wife a whore....etc.
My STBX would day "she's not a whore".

Withing a few months, STBX began her affair.

Also......I was STILL not talking to my sister......due to her affair.....when STBX started her affair.

THEY JUST HAVE NO CONSCIENCE!
Posts You May Be Interested In
  • deleted_user

    Food Allergy?

    Posted by: deleted_user
    Last Reply: Iafaforallergy
    7
    My 6mo twin DD's are EBF and just started rice cereal on the first. Everything has been going fine except this morning one of them had a diaper rash (lots of redness around her anus). I read this as one of the signs of an allergy. BUT I did just buy a different brand diaper yesterday (which they have used randomly before w/no issues). Do you think its the cereal or the diaper? Im ready to start...