Infidelity Support Group

Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...

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OuchMyHeart 09/25/2013

So even though it seems like a million years ago I just realized it's actually only been 4 or 5 months since I found out, things have gotten much better but still hard. I've made a lot of changes; went from fantasizing about swimming deep out into a lake until I couldn't swim anymore and only stopping myself for my babies to getting my license, changing my hair color after 10 years (random, I know), getting myself a new wardrobe, started attending college to get my bachelor of science in nursing (4.0 so far after 4 big tests!) etc. etc. I'm trying to put the shattered pieces of myself back together.
Strangely I don't feel as though the damage he inflicted on my low self-esteem stuck. I did a lot of soul searching and realized I was a great wife and he is the problem, not me. I can finally say that with confidence. I take care of myself and my family, am fun, very loving physically and emotionally, etc. Far from perfect, but do my best. My biggest problem is I'm now horribly jaded and trapped with constant thoughts of should I stay? Or should I go? As well as randomly lashing out at H. I had trust issues to begin with and no matter what he does now I always feel like there's something going on because things were so great, happy, and normal when I found out, I had no clue until she butt dialed him while I was sitting there and he got nervous so I got suspicious. Now normal & happy equates with lies and cheating to me.
I've lost respect for my H and don't usually see him the same way anymore. I loved him madly and would have until the end of my life but now am unsure if I'm even in love with him or just love him as a friend and the father of my kids. Really as much as it's unfair I feel like I've lost trust in men in general, I love them but don't think I could let one close emotionally again. Not logical I know but the truth. Past experiences and then this have embittered me I guess.
How do you know when it's time to end it? Everyone always says you just know but just know what? I have 2 babies and feel like that really affects my decision as I don't want them having a childhood even remotely close to the sad years that mine was.
Also, on a side note, this forum and the people on it have played a big part in the way I've dealt with this situation and come out alive so thanks to everyone who's ever responded to one of my long posts.

whodathunk 10/14/2013

Alan54 is a sex addict and cheater so I would take that assanine remark as having sour grapes.

Learningskills 10/14/2013

Alan: Hmmmmm....cheating.....a positive relationship...now that is a "new" spin for me. Never felt a thing positive about it at all. And, I don't need TV to tell me how I feel personally. Might work for some, but not for me. Hollywood is Hollywood, the grand world of fantasy, more than most anything else? I'm pretty sure I know it's a lotta bull? I think likely that I know me better than anyone else ever could. I know what I feel about infidelity, from its tiniest wee creepy thing, to its largest life de-hancement, and it has never been positive for me at all. And, I suspect it isn't ever going to be either. I do think that some folks might perceive their relationship is somehow better after the fact. And, in ways, it may bring some honesty and change in some things to a relationship. I'm so glad they can feel good about it. But, for me, I believe the betterment could have been accomplished without the crazy of infidelity. I've never seen a single case where it's necessary. But, I don't know everyone, so? I certainly do know how I feel though, and it's up to me to know my own feelings, no one else can do that particular job. And, for everyone else the same.

So, glad you feel good about it.

Learningskills 10/14/2013

Anastasia: I'm glad that anything I say might be helpful. I've been there, and done that, more than once. So, what I believe, and what I say, is entirely from my personal perspective of hard-earned experience. Though I am still married to my H at this time, and "in ways" "some" things are better than they ever were, "some" things changed permanently. Unfortunately, that has always held true for me. I love my H in ways, and in other ways not as much as I once did. His behavior assured that beyond any reasonable doubt. But then, he knew that, like all cheaters do.

The most important or beneficial thing I discovered, is that I know now far more than I ever have that "he" desires the marriage to survive. That's a good thing to know. Though, he cost himself..and me...aplenty "before" he came to that realization? I also know how I really feel, on every level. And I know that there are things that will never, ever, be as good as they once were.

I have weighed many factors in my decision making, and "I" made the decision that "I" can live without the parts the infidelity killed, i.e., trust, romance, sexual satisfaction, emotional connectedness, just off the top of my head. In exchange for? Comfort, security, friendship (kinda), family cohesion.

But, I'm not young any more, so, my perspective is not the same as a young person; though, I'd have conclude that I could only wish that when I was young I would have known what I know now....without earning it the hard way? If I had, things would have gone far differently than they did. That's ok, I'm good, I'm moving forward with my life, along with him, but, it is not the same, I don't feel the same, I can't feel the same, and so, I stay for different reasons than I when I chose him more than thirty-three years ago. I don't have the luxury of youth, nor time. And those, "may" be very important factors for some. Youth seems to have strong needs, and mine are few at this age. Thank goodness! I always thought they were so important, and now I'm glad they're gone? Little drives me any more. I am self-motivated and self-directed...a good thing to be.

That is why I say it is up to the individual BS on what they are willing to live with...because live with it...they certainly shall.

deleted_user 10/14/2013

Agree SheenRE #14 post hits the nail on the head. Infidelity is the end of the marriage as it was, it will never be the same again. There are some who say that it has made their marriage better in the end and for them I am happy but I just cant subscribe to that theory. My marriage will never be the same again, not even close. The question I am left with is the parts of us that are left enough to stay for and for me the biggest thing that plays into that are the kids. Everyone says kids will be fine, I am just not so sure. Or everyday life in many ways seems "normal", it doesn't feel the same but the things are the same. We still have great jobs, a big house I built, two wonderful kids that think they have the best mom and dad there is and are thankful for the life they have etc etc. My constant question in staying or going is simply that is there enough left worth staying for, not just for me but for my kids, our families, and in some ways myself.

Learningskills 10/15/2013

County: I'm so sorry! I do know how you feel. I once stayed because of our child. I thought it best. I didn't put my needs, or wants, above those of my child. In ways, I'm glad that's the decision I made. In others, not so much. As it turned out, my Hs continued hidden agenda came out in the open once again, around twenty years after round one. Our daughter was an adult by then, and the unfortunate witness of his crazy. She was the one to tell me. She asked me a question, "mom, do you still believe that it is always best to reveal the truth?" I answered as I always have, "yes." Well, it is true that the truth will set you free. It did set me free of any misconceptions on my part. And, it did set me free of feeling the need to be the perfect wife, mother, sibling, daughter, or any other label I can think of. So, in that way, a very good thing. However, my daughter was severely emotionally injured by the thing. And that, I really hate with a passion. And, there is nothing I can do about it. I don't regret tending to the needs of my child. But, I do regret not kicking his behind every time he breathed.

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