Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
So even though it seems like a million years ago I just realized it's actually only been 4 or 5 months since I found out, things have gotten much better but still hard. I've made a lot of changes; went from fantasizing about swimming deep out into a lake until I couldn't swim anymore and only stopping myself for my babies to getting my license, changing my hair color after 10 years (random, I know), getting myself a new wardrobe, started attending college to get my bachelor of science in nursing (4.0 so far after 4 big tests!) etc. etc. I'm trying to put the shattered pieces of myself back together.
Strangely I don't feel as though the damage he inflicted on my low self-esteem stuck. I did a lot of soul searching and realized I was a great wife and he is the problem, not me. I can finally say that with confidence. I take care of myself and my family, am fun, very loving physically and emotionally, etc. Far from perfect, but do my best. My biggest problem is I'm now horribly jaded and trapped with constant thoughts of should I stay? Or should I go? As well as randomly lashing out at H. I had trust issues to begin with and no matter what he does now I always feel like there's something going on because things were so great, happy, and normal when I found out, I had no clue until she butt dialed him while I was sitting there and he got nervous so I got suspicious. Now normal & happy equates with lies and cheating to me.
I've lost respect for my H and don't usually see him the same way anymore. I loved him madly and would have until the end of my life but now am unsure if I'm even in love with him or just love him as a friend and the father of my kids. Really as much as it's unfair I feel like I've lost trust in men in general, I love them but don't think I could let one close emotionally again. Not logical I know but the truth. Past experiences and then this have embittered me I guess.
How do you know when it's time to end it? Everyone always says you just know but just know what? I have 2 babies and feel like that really affects my decision as I don't want them having a childhood even remotely close to the sad years that mine was.
Also, on a side note, this forum and the people on it have played a big part in the way I've dealt with this situation and come out alive so thanks to everyone who's ever responded to one of my long posts.
Strangely I don't feel as though the damage he inflicted on my low self-esteem stuck. I did a lot of soul searching and realized I was a great wife and he is the problem, not me. I can finally say that with confidence. I take care of myself and my family, am fun, very loving physically and emotionally, etc. Far from perfect, but do my best. My biggest problem is I'm now horribly jaded and trapped with constant thoughts of should I stay? Or should I go? As well as randomly lashing out at H. I had trust issues to begin with and no matter what he does now I always feel like there's something going on because things were so great, happy, and normal when I found out, I had no clue until she butt dialed him while I was sitting there and he got nervous so I got suspicious. Now normal & happy equates with lies and cheating to me.
I've lost respect for my H and don't usually see him the same way anymore. I loved him madly and would have until the end of my life but now am unsure if I'm even in love with him or just love him as a friend and the father of my kids. Really as much as it's unfair I feel like I've lost trust in men in general, I love them but don't think I could let one close emotionally again. Not logical I know but the truth. Past experiences and then this have embittered me I guess.
How do you know when it's time to end it? Everyone always says you just know but just know what? I have 2 babies and feel like that really affects my decision as I don't want them having a childhood even remotely close to the sad years that mine was.
Also, on a side note, this forum and the people on it have played a big part in the way I've dealt with this situation and come out alive so thanks to everyone who's ever responded to one of my long posts.
But a big differance is I know I love my wife. I think she is a good person who made a terrible mistake, and she seems to be genuinely remorseful. I also did a lot of soul searching and I can honestly say that I wasn't a very good husband in the time before and during her A, so contrary to the popular thinking here, I feel that I share some of the blame for her A. It could have just as easily been me that cheated at that time, so that realization has really helped me forgive her and try to get past it.
Back to your situation, I think if I felt the way you describe, I might go or at least start putting my exit plan together. You won't be able to fool your kids, and being brought up by parents who don't like each other or trust each other is probably more unhealthy than being raised by a single parent. It's only been a few months and things are probably still pretty raw. Maybe a little more time will make things clearer and the right choice will become more obvious.
I wish you well
jim
You need to give this time. You need to keep talking to him. He needs to offer you more reassurance. What I have learned is that you cannot heal alone if you stay married. It is the CS who helps you heal.
You are doing great now and that is wonderful. But you have young children and you are a family. It's not all about you.
If you are randomly lashing out at him it's because you are still hurting.
Try not to lash out but rather, get him alone and talk.
To me this is like being ill and taking antibiotics for a couple of days. You feel so much better so you stop taking the antibiotics. You feel
better about YOU so you are going to ditch him? huh?
You can change your associations. You can re-frame how you look at things. I think you still have a lot further to go in all of this.
Are you doing any kind of therapy?
Of course you have lost respect for your H. I have lost respect for mine as well. Embittered? Sure, what else is new. Trust? Forget it.
This is all normal. Rebuilding a relationship as intimate as a marriage takes time. It's hard. And you do have to fortify the door because the demons do try to slip back in and undermine your efforts.
I, too, am biding my time as my wife has made it clear that the constraints of marriage are not for her. The first time she went outside of our marriage (that I know of) was a couple of years ago, during which I was devastated. Then there was a "lull" in which there didn't seem to be any infidelity, but no affection between us either. The last couple of months she has been spending time with "friends" whom I have never met. I know what's going on. But this time, I'm numb to it, but in a healthy way. I feel strong as an individual and confident in the fact that I have stayed here and stayed strong for the sake of our three young children, who get a lot more of my time than they do from their mother...
I have confidence knowing that staying here and choosing NOT to go outside of marriage is a choice I have made from a position of strength in order to have the maximum positive impact on my children during these formitive years. And like you, I have trust issues, so I'm not exactly yearning to get out in the dating scene either.
When I do choose to pursue leaving (assuming I don't get papers to that effect first), it will be MY choice.
Take your time and build upon your own strengths. The choices you make as a result will be the right ones. Best of luck to you!
One day he'll realize how much he screwed up and you may not be there. His loss.
I dont know just exactly how or when you know its time to leave I just know I haven't reached that point yet and at this point I wonder if I will ever reach a point where I KNOW its time to leave OR to stay or if I will just kind of sit on the fence forever making it work day to day. I have two kids and that is the #1 factor in me staying and I feel as long as I can keep their lives somewhat normal I will put myself 2nd and make it work.
Lastly congratulations on doing the things for yourself it sounds like you are still able to live and move forward on some fronts despite the pain and stress and turmoil you are going through, there is a lot to be said for that, I haven't been able to do much other than just survive it so far but hope to be like you and find something to put myself into. Good luck.
I don't know "how long" because everyone's time frame is different. Some people decided right away, some are still married and battling this issue years after. It all depends on you.
I can tell you,though, that I understand the minor hit on your self-esteem and how it didn't stick. My self-esteem skyrocketed in response to his cheating...n self-pitying over feeling "less than". It was an awesome push for me and I now I look, feel better and have a more fulfilling life.
Divorce was the best decision I ever made, but it's not for everyone. No one can give you a time-frame :)
Good luck!
Whenever I think my problems are that bad, I remember i own a home, have a job, a great kid, family, friends and no debt, and then I know what I got going on in my life pales in comparison to real problems.
Guilty for considering leaving a relationship with someone who is a compulsive lying sex addict..Guilty for thinking of leaving someone who had so little respect for me or our children that he put our unborn son's life at risk by sleeping around before and during my entire pregnancy...Guilty for leaving someone who admits it wasn't her, could have been anyone and had tried for an affair before but the previous OW turned him down and had been lying about multiple other aspects of his life.
I thought about what you said for a very long time and I'm pissed off. It's your opinion but I HEARTILY disagree and think it was extremely judgmental of you to assume that anyone who leaves their spouse after such a huge betrayal is doing so because of some idealized glamorous Hollywood image of love. That's bullshit.
You say " if only they could let go and open themselves to positive relationships"...I think that's exactly what many people who leave are trying to do is it not?
Should everyone have to spend the rest of their life wishing for someone they could allow themselves to open up to again without crippling fear? Not everyone's situation is the same.
To compare giving up on a marriage tainted by long term or multiple infidelities and lies to throwing away a car with a scratch is asinine.
I would take that comparison and change it to writing off a car that's been in a major collision and will require years of commitment to repair back into driving condition but which will regardless never drive as well as when you first bought it anyways.
Doable, yes but not always a choice you want to commit your life to. In marriage yes you take vows. I've upheld mine. He hasn't.
Marriages can be rebuilt after affairs, I'm not saying they can't. But to judge people so harshly who decide that they can't let it go and continually forgive and live with the embarrassment, anger and constant suspicion is a jerk move.
To sum it up, you really pissed me off and I think the wording of your response was ill planned and insensitive.
I can tell you this. Almost 4 years out and the trust has never come back and whatever feelings of love I had before have completely vanished. The intimacy is gone and quite frankly so has the sex. If he had an affair now I wouldn't care. We're getting a divorce and the only regret I have is that I didn't do it sooner.
Alan54smith is smoking crack. Ending a marriage after infidelity is not equal to trashing a car because of a little scratch. The person that haves the affair totals the car-the end!!!
Do what you have to do honey. Your husband screwed up and the consequence for intimate betrayal should be the loss of the relationship. If more people subscribed to that, more people would be less likely to cheat.
Good luck.
1. Has no clue what they are talking about;
2. Is a CS/OP who is seeking to lessen their guilt through minimizing;
3. Or is a troll.
Ouch, not worth spending the emotional energy worrying about it.
I would add that it won't hurt to give this all some more time to decide. I think the "you'll know when when its time" refers to the point that if you have to ask, you're probably not ready yet.
There are those who hang on for years when they probably should have given the boot after year one. But even then, maybe they just weren't emotionally ready. Each person is different and each situation is different. Only you can make the choice that it is time. That said, 5 months is early in the process. Unless you have simply lost all hope it will change and get better, it won't hurt to hold on for another few months to verify that one way or the other until you are sure.