I'm glad you're getting help. I have to admit, the moment I found out, I couldn't take the pain, and the first thought I had was to end it. Through a series of circumstances (probably divine intervention) I didn't. There have been a few more times after that night that I thought about it, but in those times, I focus on my kids. Don't do that to your kids. Yes, the pain you would cause your wife seems gratifying in your mind in those moments, but you would get no satisfaction out of it, and your kids would have issues for the rest of their lives. It gets better, one way or another. Stay in counseling, and if she's doing what you need her to do to heal, focus on those positives. The pain fades. Stay strong.

Hey, when I first discovered my H carrying on I had a lot of anger and hurt, I was in so much emotional pain that I nearly put myself in a violent position between a violent and irrational patient and the police, but because I had younger trainees that night I didn't want them also to just injured or set a bad example but I DID crave to feel physical pain to equal my shattered emotions they were very very dark days.
I did consider suicide for a short time but (I really had to focus on the pain and trauma it would cause to others besides H). I would never do that to my children, as I lived that as a child, the night my mum discovered my fathers affair was the night she took her last breathe so I dismissed that idea out of guilt I've silently wished she was here so many time over the last 33years and I saw it never really made any difference to my father as he married his AP 6 weeks after her body was found, so although we would love to inflict a painful revenge on on our CS it's not the way to do it. For me to be healthy, and strong in MY decisions is revenge enough for me.
It is great she and the others seeked that extra help you required and it's positive that you are getting the support you need at this time, unfortunately there is no quick fix. But I must say your wife does appears one putting in effort to help you though this.
Stay strong and good luck and take each day one day at a time and focus on the positives.

yes & no, i understand, i don't, my wife choose not to attempt to reconcile, she is with the slimeball

trying to reconcile has challenges that i think you'd have to live or you wouldn't be able to imagine

i understand the despair, i don't understand the suicide thing
i don't think you were weak
i do understand why a person may look at a chair, a rope, and a beam, and see a way out
but, it all reduces down to who you would leave behind
your kids

so now that you are not in the depths of despair, etch that in your brain, it may hep alot if some more bad shit or new bad shit comws your way


okay, we got the kids you have to stay in the game thing settled,
yes, betrayal absolutely sucks, it messes with your mind, heart, and soul ----- (i would really be concerned for a person that claims it didn't)

me: despair probably about 8 months, absolutely stunned and numb yet on fire for those 8 plus anther 8 months, since then - on the mend with a long way to go.

i don't think there is a normal timeline

keep on truckin, stay in the game, post here ---- most people that reply (all people) offer well intended comments, from different perspectives, which is good, made me rethink mine sometimes

go look in the mirror, you'll see a normal guy, heartbroken by bad shit, hurt but not fragile, a father that is in process of pulling it together

thank you all for your warm welcome.


my wife is in individual counseling as well, and we both attend couple therapy
she has been working on herself these last few months.

The first thing that i did after D Day was tell her she needed to start going to Sex-Addicts-Anonymous meetings
The 2nd thing I told her was she needed to get a STD test, and I got one my self.
Thankfully, both of us came back clear. Will go for a 6 month check in in June to make sure nothing else came up

The first month/s were the worst. Lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks.... was a wreck..anxiety attacks...panic attacks...suicidal thoughts.... my intensive therapy helped tremendously...but I know now that no therapy will provide a WHY, or an answer...the therapy just gives me some clarity of mind and skills on how to cope with pain in life.

"Pain in inevitable. Suffering is optional"

But....even w my coping skills....... I am still suffering. I know it's going to be a rollarcoaster. I tell myself even when I fall down....i am not falling backwards....i may fall down...but its all part of the journey forward and I'll be picking myself backup again

I was diagnosed w moderate to severe depression in 2006. I had long though I suffered from depression for years, but never did anything about it, until my cousin who was 1 year younger then me, killed himself.... at the funeral we found out he had suffered from depression for years. I make a dr appt the next day, started CBT therapy and Celexa

I used to use a benchmark of WORST DAY in my life... i was 23 and found out my 25 year cousin died in a motorcyce accident. That was the bench mark for me. After DDAY...... i have a new bench mark

Some days I feel NORMAL.... and then i start to ask myself "why do you feel normal....you shouldnt feel normal at all....ever..... your wife had 8 affairs in 15 months...you should never be normal again"......

My Pysch moved me to Prozac a month or so ago, and that seems to help...but now, even though my thoughts dont obsess about the details and visions of the affairs...i do get consumed by the emotions day to day.
Some days its SADNESS....some days its FEAR...some days its ANGER..... its 4 months after dday, and post intensive therapy...and its ONLY NOW, that I am starting to be able to get in touch with the emotions I am feeling...

I endedup hacking her phone and mail and found tons of nude selfies she sent to the guys she actually met and had sex with, and other photos she sent to guys she never met, and read all the texts/sexts/mails etc...

I have quit going back to those, although i did make a backup off all of that stuff in case i do decide to proceed w divorce.

She admitted to me, that one of the guys she was with from June-Sept, that she actually "Fell in Love with"...and she "fell in love with him" because of all the guys she was with...he reminded her most of me??????????

She is working thru it...I am working thru it. We both want to save the marriage and not have our children suffer for her mistakes.

Its maddening for me somedays.... one day I feel I LOVE HER....the next day i feel NOTHING for her

The DBT/IOP therapy was life changing and life saving for me. DBT is a therapy developed by Dr. Marsha Linehan and involves four main modules
Emotional Regulation
Mindfulness
Interpersonal Effectiveness
Distress Tolerance.

Higher recommend her books or websites

Lookingfo,

I know..those thoughts were crazy. I l know i wouldnt do that to my kids...but for 1 day.... i just came to the conclusion that I could no longer live with the pain....i wanted the pain to stop.

now, my though is "i want to learn to LET GO of the pain" ..... or more accurately....i want to learn how to let go of the emotions and deal w the pain and keep on living

I am going back to one-one counseling and my wife is staying in indiv counseling as well and we both will continue couples counseling

Shortie72,
My wife has been changing over the last 4 months since disclosure. She is more open about her feelings...i do believe she is truly sorry...i do believe she wants to be a different person. I am a different person
We are working at it...its just so early into everything...4 months post dday.....

i know divorce is an option. i have the papers...all i need to do is file anytime i want to, but im committing to work on the marriage now....and divorce as a last resort..... and for me, 4 months isnt enough time to make a final decision, so i am going to keep working w my wife and therapists on the relationship

Refurb,
I never attempted to end my life, but for 24 hours, I was pretty convinced that was the only way to end the pain. I know that, there are lots of options now a days.... its not how to STOP the pain...its how to WORK THRU the pain

over the last month, when i look in the mirror, i am starting to recognize the guy who is looking back at me. i didnt recognize that guy for a long time post dday

Sounds like you've made some progress in four months. It does take time to heal from the revelation. If she's doing all she should, you will gradually get better over the next few months and years.

If she hasn't read it, the book, "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald is a highly recommended read. Not bad to read the book together.

Hang in there.